A/N; In interest of making things happen in this story instead of just having it be lots of rambly thinking, I've already changed my mind about format. Woo! Next chapter will be third person PoV of things actually, you know, going on, interactions and conversations and all that good stuff! May or may not include fluffy flashbacks with requisite happy times and kissing, as well as lots of aaaaaaangst. We all love angst, right? Yes we do.

Anyway, this will all also help me sort out the timeline, which I swear makes sense, but which I realize isn't going to come across very clearly here. Next chapter's already more or less written, but I'm going to space posting things out just a little bit. Where's the fun in getting it all at once?

It wasn't as if he just let me walk away. I mean, I had the plane tickets already. I couldn't not go home. What would I tell my parents? My friends? "Oh, sorry guys, lost the ticket, think I'll be staying here a while longer"? I had school to get back to. My life. It wasn't like some big, dramatic thing. I just .. I had to go. That was all. That was life.

Besides, it wasn't me who .. I mean, it wasn't my idea to..

God, he makes such a huge fucking drama out of it and I spend nearly every night worrying myself sick, watching him rip himself to shreds with rage and pain and what the hell can I do but sit here?! It hurts just, just sitting here and hearing him say all those things, to know how much he's suffering because he loves.. me. He loves me. He told me so.

I love him, too. I guess that's why this is so fucked up. Why can't two people who're in love just .. be together? Why is that some hard, strange idea for people to grasp?

I mean, I -- I know. This makes sense, too. This is just life. But like I said, it wasn't my idea for us to break up. It was his.

I didn't make him confront his parents about me. Didn't make him come clean. Didn't make him have those arguments. He said he wanted to. And of course I was hoping it'd work out, but somehow I didn't think...

His mom's really .. nice. I like her a lot. I felt like she and I had something in common .. we'd both make fun of him when he wasn't around. I wonder if she hates me now. Probably.

And yeah, it .. it made sense, too. The distance. It really was too much. Right? I mean, when you can only fly out to see a person every few months or so, once or twice a year, that's not .. really a relationship, I guess. A real relationship means being there to ..

To ..

You know, maybe I'll never know.

It just .. you know. It's over, now. I mean, we're still friends and all. We care about each other too much for .. to just, you know, stop. But it gets so goddamn hard, watching him burst and fall apart. It's all my fault. It's all for me, because of me. He loves me too much. It'd be frightening if I didn't feel exactly the same in return. I guess I'm just .. quieter, out of us two. He always was the reckless one, the loud one who'd go out in the crowds and draw attention by being a big ham and there'd be me just .. standing back and watching and laughing. I always loved it when he did that. Idiot.

But now it just means that .. he acts out his pain, and I keep mine inside. I just don't say anything. Why make it worse for him? For both of us? I don't really know who I'm trying to fool, anymore, him or myself. Maybe if I seem okay, he'll move on. Maybe if we pretend none of this ever happened, he'll be able to heal, and I won't have to watch him die every single day. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know what I'll do if he hurts himself, because I still really fucking...

This is so ... messed up. It's just not fair. I love him.

Why didn't I hang on to him?

Why didn't I .. why didn't I fight? I know .. he was so desperate and uncertain and I knew he wasn't sure, but I let go.

Maybe it was his idea, but I was the one who said okay. In the end, it was really me who turned his back.

Because when he asked me back two months later, I still said no.

I just couldn't do it. Nothing had changed. And god, you know, I wish .. I wish I just had. Especially considering what happened after.

And I'm not -- I'm not talking about after.

I guess I should have known. Axel is really ... he's incredible. I was surprised when I found out he was single, right before he asked me out. I guess he just seemed like the kind of guy .. other people would snatch up if they could. If he'd let them.

So I really shouldn't have been such an idiot. It was wishful thinking to believe he wouldn't find someone else.

It just happened so quickly. Like a sucker punch to the gut.

I never told him how much it hurt. He didn't need to know.

You know, I, I ... maybe I should .. have fought. I try to tell myself that it's ... it's okay, somehow. That being his best friend is all I really need. Some days that works, and some days it doesn't. It took so long for things to reach any sense of normalcy between us again. Because he just suffered and suffered and suddenly this new person came along and he wasn't .. suffering anymore. Just like that, or so it seemed. And what the hell did that mean for me? The person he'd been pining over? I let him go, and he left. I really don't .. know what I was expecting. I was so pissed at him for a while, for that. What the hell was I, anyway, for him to just toss me aside so suddenly? That stupid, goddamn--

No, no, that's not .. I know. I know whose fault it is. I could have held on. I should have fought as hard for him as he fought for me, and I didn't. And I really hate myself for that. But right now we're just best friends. I support him and he supports me and somehow it works out. Things aren't really the same as they used to be, but I guess that's to be expected.

He used to say .. if maybe, years from now, if somehow things worked out .. maybe we could be together. I haven't even dared to think I'll get another chance, you know? I don't want to bother hoping only to have my heart crushed again. It's just not worth the pain.

But I know that if he asked me again -- asked me back -- I'd say yes.

You know what, though?

Sometimes I just want to kick his stupid ass for doing this to me. Jerk.