A/N; I am a liar. I am a terrible, horrible, disgusting liar. I meant to do this with regularity! When I said I had the next chapter written, I meant in my head, as opposed to in WordPad or any other place useful or digital. I do apologize for failing. Life bit me in the ass, as it will, and I lost all passion for writing.
I thus dedicate this chapter to the adorable toastyoats, whose flurry of reviews and favorites made me smile on a very shitty night. Thank you for reminding me that this story existed, and that I like writing, and that this is fun and awesome and the best way to be spending my time while things are crappy around here. Updates will be sporadic, likely in bursts, but I'll be damned if I won't finish this.
Hanyway, to conclude this irritatingly long author's note, here's the RL chapter, as promised. I no longer envision a rhyme or reason to which chapters will be the boys' thoughts and which will be third person real life happenings - they'll be dictated by my whims, as with most things in my life. Enjoy, review or don't, all that jazz, and happy belated new year to all you freaks and geeks.
The first time they kissed was something special. They went out to a dark road where they could see the city lights across the river, and though they started out far apart, in the blink of an eye Roxas somehow found his way into Axel's arms.
The first time they kissed was something truly, utterly stupid. Unbelievably, insufferably fuck-me-up-the-ass, choke-me-on-the-sap idiotic. At least, according to Axel's later analysis. An analysis delivered once he stopped laughing at the way Roxas had darted under his arm when they walked through a dark tunnel on the way back to Axel's car. Roxas had glowered and huffed, breath puffing in a great white cloud in Axel's face, before sulkily tucking himself tighter under Axel's arm. That's when Axel made his thoughts known, and that's when Roxas punched him in the arm, huffed, and failed to keep the grin off his face.
Most of the drive home was spent in silence, but towards the end, Roxas couldn't help a murmured concession of "Yeah, okay, that was a little .. cheesy."
"But perfect," Axel drawled, smirking.
"But perfect," Roxas agreed before hitting Axel again. "Asshole."
The lead-up to that moment of embarrassing perfection had started three days prior, when Roxas had shown up for the first time at Axel's doorstep, pink-cheeked and nervous. He'd looked so fucking cute in that bright scarf over the black pea coat, Axel had thought with a great deal of self-loathing.
Not that he himself had been nervous, you see. No sir. Not Axel, number one cool customer on the east coast. Totally hadn't worn a hole in his carpet waiting for Roxas to show up at the door. Except he had, oh, but he had. Threadbare and worn was his poor abused carpet by the time he finally heard Roxas's voice crackling, staticky, through the door pager. He had wandered and paced and chugged his way through three cups of coffee and had just decided on sitting down to tear his hair out when he'd heard the merciful rapping of knuckles against wood. He did his manly best to hide the knee-meets-coffee-table-thanks-to-trying-to-stand-too-quickly induced wince when he ran down to let Roxas into the building.
It had all been worth it, though, when Roxas said hi. His voice so familiar, reminding Axel of rustling papers and lazy sunshine. And the way he'd smiled had filled Axel to the brim with ...
Something.
He ushered Roxas inside, knowing he was grinning like an idiot and not caring, and let the door shut behind them.
The plan had been set in motion months prior, when the two finally settled on meeting. They both lived in the United States, which made air fare considerably cheaper than it could have been, much to the relief of their wallets. There was one teensy, tiny little snag, though. Roxas lived in Bumfuck Nowhere, Midwest, United States of Totally Lameass, while Axel lived on The Motherfucking East Coast, Just South of New York City, United States of Awesome. In light of these facts, they had made the mutual decision that Awesomeville beat out Bumfuck, the tickets had been bought, and the waiting had begun.
It was a good plan in part because they were both in college, and Axel, in particular, hadn't lived home in years. He had his own (pretty nice, in his opinion) apartment, his roommate was on vacation, and his parents knew better than to visit uninvited. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Except for the part where Axel's car broke down two days before Roxas arrived. Hence the kid taking a cab all the way there from the airport while Axel paced like a caged tiger. The cab fare made Axel feel slightly nauseous, but he decided it was all totally worth it the moment they got all of Roxas's things put away and he could pull the kid into his arms for a real hug for the first time.
Roxas, for his part, was just glad to be on safe, solid ground again. He wasn't much for flying, heights, mass crowds of people, or waiting. He'd experienced all four in abundance, and he'd been just about at his wit's end. At least, until he walked up to the door.
His smile had been one hundred percent genuine, and one hundred percent for Axel. Above their first kiss, above their first hug, above their first anything, their first moment seeing each other in the flesh had been more important, more incredible to him than anything. Actually seeing the face of the guy he'd fallen in love with from a distance was just .. good. It was really fucking good. It was real.
Not much happened in those first three days after Roxas arrived. They were both aware - hyper aware, painfully aware - that they only had a week total, and time was slipping away much too quickly. But Roxas had wanted to see the big city, never having set foot in New York before in his life, and those days where a whirlwind of travel and tours and winding through crowds and sightseeing and museums and diners and whatever the hell else. Not that they didn't spend time alone. Oh, they did. But somehow, Roxas never got around to working up the nerve to kissing Axel just yet, and Axel never got around to coaxing him into it. "Coaxing" didn't feel right, anyway. The moment needed to be special.
Let it be said that Axel is a closet romantic. Or, perhaps more accurately, a closet case romantic. For all his cursing and laconic, wicked sarcasm, he was a bitch with a heart of gold, and he wanted to treat Roxas right. That, or at least make him blush. It was one of Axel's goals in life to make Roxas blush and then proceed to tease him dead about it.
So he'd planned their little visit to that lookout days in advance. He hadn't planned the way the moment would go, but the way Roxas had ended up in his arms and looked up at him with those big baby blues, well ...
"Perfect," he muttered that night as he dressed for bed. "Man, if only I coulda had some romantic music swelling in the background."
Three days gone and they'd only kissed. Axel didn't get his hopes up for sex in the next four. Roxas was too reserved, too quiet. Axel didn't want to push him. For all his innuendos and teasing, he respected boundaries. When forced.
And Roxas forced them. That he loved Axel did not mean he was going to give the guy carte blanche to ravish him. Or slobber all over him, which is the image Roxas's mind gave him. Gross. Not that Roxas didn't like intimacy, didn't like the feel of Axel's arms around him or the heat of his mouth or the way their tongues tangled together or, uh. Er. Any of that. He did like it. Very, very, very much. But just because he liked all that didn't mean he was even particularly interested in sex. At least, not now. Even if it meant months more, he wanted to wait. He didn't want to have a moment where they sat down and said, "Okay, let's have sex!" It wasn't going to work like that. It would have to happen naturally or not at all. And considering they slept in completely separate rooms, well. Having it happen "naturally" was a long shot.
They'd agreed before Roxas arrived to sleep in separate rooms. They'd known each other for over a year, had been technically dating for months, but this was their very first time meeting in person. For Roxas's comfort and Axel's peace of mind, they settled on separate rooms for this little visit, until they got more used to each other's, well ... presences. The realness of actually being with each other, of seeing every smile and feeling every brush of fingertips. It was overwhelming. Plus, well.
"Fuck, we're such girls," Axel had muttered somewhere around day four.
"You think so?" Roxas propped his chin on his hand, letting his spoon laze into his bowl of cereal. It was an honest question. "I mean, I don't know. Sure, we've known each other for a while, but we're practically strangers in person. I wouldn't want to just hop into bed immediately."
"Girls," Axel groused, stabbing at his eggs with a little more zeal than was necessary. "I mean, I know. It's a good idea. But shit, seriously, what's the big deal? I won't jump you, you won't jump me." He looked up, then, giving Roxas a rare serious look, green eyes inscrutable. "Just one night, Roxas."
This was not familiar territory. Roxas had paused, expression this side of deer-in-the-headlights until he regained his composure and thought it over seriously. For all intents and purposes, they sort of WERE strangers. At least .. in person. Which didn't make much sense, since they'd been speaking regularly for months, but it was something Roxas felt, deep down. It felt right to take this slow, to take the time to get to know Axel as a real human being and not just text in an IM box or a voice on the phone.
Just one night, he said.
"Okay," Roxas said after a long pause. "I .. think I'd like that too."
And so it was that Axel and Roxas fell asleep in each other's arms, and never once engaged in anything that would merit a rating above PG. Very Disney. Very cute. Very ... powerful.
Axel found himself thinking about that night over and over as he drove Roxas to the airport on the final day. The normal part of him, the part that was an asshole and a clown and powered with ten kinds of bravado, thought he goddamn well should have tried something. Hell, he'd have settled for a fucking handjob. But the other part of him, the deeper part, the part that surfaced with stony expressions and quiet words when things turned nasty, knew better. Unfortunately. As fluffy and retarded as it was to just fall asleep together like some lovey dovey couple in a shitty rom com, Axel knew that he'd end up treasuring that night, those long, quiet hours, way more than he'd treasure a handjob. The handjob, sure it'd feel nice, but in a blink it'd be over and there'd be sweat and cum and uncomfortable slick sticky wetness and one of them would fall asleep and then they'd wake up thinking they'd missed some sort of chance. Girly as it was, at that moment, falling asleep with Roxas in his arms, Axel had felt more at peace than ever before in his entire life.
Goddamn shame it probably wouldn't ever be happening again, then. Ever.
They talked about it all the way on that long drive up to the airport. Roxas was quiet, Axel was blazing, and it went more or less the same way it had gone a hundred times already.
"I don't really know what to tell you," Roxas had murmured.
"I don't know what to tell me either! I know pretty goddamn well they won't be happy. It's long distance, it's not smart, why didn't you tell us you were gay, oh my god." Axel beat the heel of his hand into the steering wheel for the sixth time and glowered at the car in front of them. "It's going to be hell. But I've gotta do it, Roxas. If this -- us -- if this is gonna last, one set of parents has to be in the know and supporting us."
"But you already said they won't support you," Roxas pointed out. "What makes you think they'll change their minds?"
"Nothing. Nothing really. Good grades? Being on my best behavior? Fuck, I try my best, I do everything they ask, they've gotta just give me this. This one fucking thing. They can't really deny their son something that makes him feel good, right? Happy? Isn't that what parents are supposed to want for their kids?"
Roxas only shrugged a shoulder, looking out the window. "I guess. It never works out that way, though. They want what's 'best.' And if you don't agree with them on what that is..."
"It all goes to shit." Axel groaned, letting his forehead thump against the wheel as he came to a stop at a light. He did it hard enough that he made the horn blare, startling the car ahead of him and earning an angry flipping of the bird after the guy rolled down his window. Scowling, Axel had flipped it right back.
After that had come finding the right terminal. Parking. Dragging Roxas's suitcases in through the sliding doors, getting him checked in, and making their slow, meandering way over to the gate. Axel kept his arm slung around Roxas's shoulders the whole time. Loose, easy contact, but neither could bring themselves to tighten the meager connection. It would have felt too desperate.
But the moment came, inevitably, no matter how hard either of them wished it wouldn't. Roxas refused to even face the gate, instead plopping himself down in a seat and looking only straight ahead at the opposite wall. Axel, after a moment's hesitation, dropped down beside him. They had a few minutes before Roxas had to go, after all. Might as well make the best of it.
"I'll, uh. I'll let you know what my parents say, once I talk to them."
Roxas made a vague noise of affirmation, but didn't look up.
"It'll be okay, Rox. I know I can convince them. Once they're on board, it'll be smooth sailing."
And then Roxas did look at him, and Axel felt all his fake optimism shatter and vanish. He sighed heavily, looking away himself. "Or something."
"Seriously, Axel. It'll ... be okay. Maybe not the way you think, but ... we'll see each other again, you know? It won't be that long."
"Yeah," Axel murmured, finally caving to what they both wanted and planting a kiss on Roxas's hair as he wound an arm back around his shoulders. "Yeah, I know."
He did know. But what he knew was not what he had really thought he'd know. Which, really, was painfully circuitous, but basically meant that Axel knew they were in for a lot of shit, and not the happy ending they wanted.
He knew, for instance, with a leaden certainty, that he'd never see Roxas again after the kid walked through that gate. So it was with stinging eyes and a stony expression that he sent Roxas off, watched him hand over his boarding pass and lug his shit onto the conveyor belt for the carry-on luggage check, walk through the metal detector, and, and. And. Axel managed a half-hearted wave, which was returned with a quiet smile. And then Roxas vanished around the corner.
And so it was that Axel ended up in some shitty airport cafe trying not to cry his eyes out and failing.
And so it was that he drove back to his apartment and had a fantastic, thunderous fit, storming and raging and breaking until he felt better.
And so it was that he went home to see his parents for the last week of his winter break and confront them about Roxas, the love of his life, and try to convince them that Roxas was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
It didn't work.
And so it was that not two weeks after Roxas's visit, one of the greatest times in both their lives, that Roxas and Axel broke up due to irreconcilable distance.
It was really such a tragedy.