A few moments after I became aware of the steady pulse throbbing in my head I opened my eyes, grateful for the darkness in the room. I recognized the familiar scent of my small room in the samurai house in Kanna and another scent, more dear to me than anything else, so close to me that I felt I could just reach out and grasp it so it would never leave my side again.

"Kyuzo?" I asked, my voice weak and husky.

There was no reply, but I knew he was there, listening. My head hurt so much tears stung my eyes and I bit my lip so I wouldn't whine. I still had some dignity and I intended to keep it.

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Nine hours."

"Did I…"

"Manage to almost kill yourself?" he asked caustically. "Yes, you did."

Was that irony?! Kyuzo and irony were two things I could never bring together no matter what, although I had been trying in the last few years. So why now? Behind the unexpected sarcasm, he sounded a bit upset, perhaps even more than that, and it made me feel weird, since I didn't know this Kyuzo who showed so much emotion all of the sudden. He was a stranger to me.

"How…" I started, unsure of whether he would bite back again or not. "Uhm… I don't remember too much. Just ten nobuseri and myself, pinned to the ground by a sword twice my size."

I didn't know why I felt the need to explain the situation to him. I was sure he didn't want to hear my pathetic excuses for the trouble I had got myself into, and yet I thought he had the right to know what a silly weakling I was. I wanted to see it in his eyes: disappointment. Disgust. Repulsion. Anything that could indeed prove to me that this wasn't the Kyuzo I knew, the Kyuzo that wouldn't judge me. It hurt more to know that he didn't care. After all, he had tried to teach me. I was the one who had refused to learn.

"I'm sorry." I managed to mutter.

"But you did kill the nobuseri without any collateral damage." another voice responded, making me start up in surprise.

I gritted my teeth as I recognized Kambei's voice. Was he trying to fuckin' cheer me up?! Anyway, that was a private conversation!! He had no right to barge in when he saw fit and neither did he have any right to be in my room uninvited!... Unless Kyuzo had agreed to his coming. Damn blond.

"I'm glad you're still alive, Chidori-san. We lost Gorobei in the battle." the old man continued, as if I cared who had been weaker than me and died.

"One man less is an important difference. Two would have been too much, huh?"

I felt him kneel next to where I was lying, his white robes rustling lightly.

"It's not about men, but about allies. Friends."

I scoffed, frowning irritated.

"I am not your friend. An unwilling ally perhaps, Kambei-sama."

He took a moment to meditate upon my words and then rose from the wooden floor.

"I see." Kambei said, something in his voice telling me that he really did see why I was there actually.

As soon as he was out of my room I felt relieved. I hated him even more now. I was beginning to think he'd forgotten me completely. He didn't know who I was. To him, I was just Chidori now, no one else. To everyone else as well. But who was I to Kyuzo? After so many years we had spent together I had begun to hope that he would think of me as more than just a dumb, stubborn student. I hoped he thought of me as a friend. However, hope was never enough for me. I had to know.

"Kyuu-chan?" I whispered, using his nickname for the first time since that first day.

I wanted to ask him what I meant to him. Even knowing that I meant nothing was still better than nothing. I was frustrated. About what, I didn't know. Nothing was ever enough to me.

"Did you worry for me?"

What a stupid question to ask an emotionless person like him.

"No."

I don't know why on earth I was expecting a different reply.

"I trust you." he added, making my eyes pop open in surprise.

I sat up as fast as the throb in my temples allowed, looking for him in the dark to lock my eyes with his. I told myself I must have been hallucinating. Perhaps I was already dead, or this was all just a dream.

"You… what?!" I asked sheepishly, desperately struggling against the damned tears forming in my eyes. "Are you drunk?" my only defense came out of my mouth as a quavering, irrational question. Of course he wasn't drunk. After all, I got drunk a lot more often than him… who never did.

Yet there was no reply.

"This is nonsense." I muttered. "Who are you and what have you done with Kyuzo?"

The Kyuzo I knew never trusted anyone. I was angry and although the reason was beyond my understanding, I wanted to release my anger on something… or someone.

"Don't tell me that, dammit!" I shouted, ignoring the stabbing pain that shot through my body when I moved again so that I could grab him by the collar. "I don't want you to trust me!!"

I wasn't insane. I had my own reasons for reacting like that, reasons I was suddenly aware of. Now I knew. I was angry because I knew I would disappoint him. I didn't deserve to be his friend. If he didn't trust me, there was nothing for me to worry about, because he would expect me to fail, or better, not care.

"Find someone else to trust." I said, suddenly calming down enough to let my hand slide along the soft fabric of his trench coat.

I could see the bandage wrapped around my head hanging from my left temple and I raised my hand to remove it completely, but he caught my wrist and forcefully pushed my hand back down in my lap. He pulled the bandage tighter around my head and made a knot, making sure it would hurt a bit more than it was necessary so that I would remember not to tell him what to do ever again. I refused to show the pain, though.

After he finished retaliating, Kyuzo pushed a bowl of rice into my hands and stood up, heading for the exterior door. I didn't really want him to go.

"Kyuzo?"

One more step and he stopped, not turning around, but obviously willing to listen to what I wanted to say.

"Will you… stay here tonight? It rained a lot this morning and the soil is damp. You might… catch a cold."

I let myself fall against the wall and hit the back of my head as the door opened and closed. Did that mean he was upset with me? Funny. I was upset with myself too.

Because of that, I was still awake when he came back, half an hour later.