A/N: I totally apologize for the longer then intended update. School has been a bitch (20 units) but I was able to squeeze in time here and there towards this chapter. I hope I didn't loose any of my readers. Thank you for all of your patience and I'm seriously going to try and update much, much sooner now. R&R! : - )
P.S: I also what to say "Hurray!" for Matt, Trey and the staff at SP for winning the Emmy for 'Imaginationland' for best animated feature, at the 'one hour or longer' category during the Emmy's a couple weeks ago.
Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this chappy and please review! The more reviews the more inspired I get.
The ordinary coldness of the late night did not take affect on me as I sprinted as fast as my legs could carry and my Converse didn't help since their not proposed running shoes. I knew once I slowed down the unforgiving frostiness will take effect on my body considering I only had on a pair of black sleep pants with a winter green t-shirt and a black loose jacket over it. I ended up hopping over Stan's fence and running down the street, my head spinning wildly, having no idea what I just did or where I was going, not that I cared to begin with. I didn't dare turn around to see if he was following behind me, uneasy as hell to face him now. I soon realized I was running towards Starks pond and when I felt sure enough Kenny wasn't following I slowed down my steps and heaved in wonderful breaths of crisp air.
The pond was frozen over as usual and the ground surrounding the solid water displayed its everyday deep white blanket of snow. I sat on a wooden bench that faced the pond and rested my elbows on my knees looking into the distance, gazing at nothing in particular as every single thought that been gnawing at my mind came rushing through me with all its weight.
I can't love…I can't…I was never able to…not with a friend…and definitely not with a guy. There is no way in hell that I can be truly 100 percent gay. Maybe what I was telling myself earlier at my computer was a way to trick my mind, an excuse, really, for what I had accidentally written down…yea that's it, it doesn't mean anything.
I've only ever kissed two people in my life, and that's not including what happened just a few minutes ago. My first was with Rebecca Cotswold in the 3rd grade, I realized a few years that I probably only liked her because she was in fact a very gifted and smart girl, I viewed her as one of those rare prodigy kids. I was only attracted to her intellect, finally someone I can hold a stimulating conversation with, but that flew out the window as quickly as it came in. My second kiss was from this other girl, Bebe Stevens in the 7th grade only because it was a dare from Stan himself, and I royally didn't enjoy the tortuous 10 seconds. As I grew older I've also lightly contemplated the thought that I might be an asexual considering my lack of attraction towards girls…
Fuck, I wonder why.
"Shit…" I sighed, as I tensely covered my face with the palms of my hands. The icy quality the air possessed gradually began to bite at my senses once my heart pace returned to it's normal speed again.
I suddenly hear soft footsteps crunching on the snow near me. I instantly stood and turned around having to adjust my eyes within the darkness, the only aid of light coming from the full moon that floated above me. I slightly stressed on who it can be, I was certain I had lost Kenny.
The stranger finally appears, I witnessed a familiar outline once I got a firm look on the perpetrator. I finally come face to face with the stranger, it's the last and yet only person I wanted to see.
"…Kenny…" I mumbled involuntary, hardly audible, even to myself.
Kenny stood there holding a cautious stance, I suppose he did so to make me feel a bit more at ease, however it wasn't working. His eyes locked to mine through the moonlit darkness and I can feel my whole body immediately flush. He looked concern and I can almost sense a trace of guilt in him, but this unfamiliar part of me didn't care how he felt.
"I…I" Kenny began, not exactly knowing what to say, he stuttered and fisted his hands together in frustration, and that's something Kenny never does.
"What?" I spat, my irrational mind speaking before my true self could, I don't know why I was being such a dick.
Kenny blinked with a trace of uncertainty, trying to absorb my unwelcoming tone of voice, as he clenched his hands together even tighter, if it wasn't so dark I bet I'd be able to see them turning white.
Kenny opened his mouth then closed it, hesitant on what to say. "…Kyle…" He slowly begun. "I really thought- I mean-I-
"Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!" I spat, pure venom laced each word, I hardly recognized my own voice and it's fucking disturbing.
Kenny took a step back his baby blues alarmingly growing wide as his mouth was ajar with shock, he continued to stand there, simply looking at me, examining me. I suddenly felt this moisture stinging at my eyes as my throat developed a hot lump. I don't know what the hell's coming over me. Kenny continued to intently stare at me his stunning set of eyes boring through mine, after a while his gaze began to make me feel vulnerable, he's able to do that to people and believe me it was working. The more he watched me the more I tried not to leap over and punch him in the face for making me feel this way.
"Why the fuck are you acting like this!?" Kenny finally demanded, loud enough for all of Starks Pond to hear as he waved his arms around in aggravation. He knew I was weakening my asshole demeanor and he took full advantage of that.
I have to admit I was slightly taken aback from his sudden behavior change, that's one thing about Kenny he doesn't take shit from anyone, and that's definitely including me.
"I'm not a fag." I seethed through my teeth, heavily knitting my eyes together with anger.
Kenny shifted never leaving my eyes and continued to have that same look, as if he was studying me. He then decided to walk towards me still keeping the cautiousness vibe he held earlier.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't move, like I was held in place from some sort of entity lingering in the air. I can feel my mind aching to run away, as usual with situations I get overwhelmed with and can't handle, but something deeper was telling me otherwise. When Kenny finally stopped his saunter he was as close as he was to me in Stan's tree house.
"…Your lying" He uttered straight into my eyes.
The next moment I acted on pure impulse, I punched Kenny square in the jaw and I'm pretty sure I knocked the wind out of him. He held the side of his jaw with a tense hand and patted at the developing soreness. Streaks of his hair covered most of his face so I couldn't see much of a reaction, but I'm pretty sure he want's to kill me right about now.
I have to be honest, I'm not much of a fighter. The only real fights I've ever gotten in was with Cartman, but he was a pussy most of the time during those brawls that I wouldn't necessarily count those few instances as a true fight.
The next thing I knew I'm on the ground with my arms wrapped around my tender stomach. I instantly felt bile rising and I tried with dire effort to not vomit right there on the snow. Kenny had swiftly socked me in the stomach as fast as you can blink an eye. I was attempting to release the stinging pain that evaded my stomach through my guttural moans not caring how loud or how much of a wuss I was feeling. His punch hurt.
"God damn it, Kyle…I didn't mean to hit you that hard." Kenny appeased as I sensed him kneeling towards me and he timidly rested a hand on my back, after about a minute or so he began to softly rub my back clearly feeling bad for what he did. I let his hand rest there despite myself and allowed him to continue his wonderful caressing I nearly got lost within his touch but this part of my mind abruptly rushed back to my conscious telling me that this sensation is something your not suppose to be feeling.
"Stop touching me!" I seethed, lifting my head and glowering at him as I completely ignored the now slowly fading pain that coursed through my stomach.
Kenny immediately took his hand off me like he's been burned as his eyes looked into mine pleading for some shed of hope. "Your gonna tell me what the hell is wrong with you." Kenny commanded never leaving our fixed gaze.
As his eyes continued to search for an answer I can now certainly feel the pain in my stomach wane and I gathered what strength I had and shoved Kenny away from me. "I don't have to tell you anything." I angrily muttered breaking our gaze.
Kenny was caught off guard as he hit the snow covered ground a lot harsher then I intended. I instantly got up and stalked past him feeling my stomach tingle away the last of the tender pain. I truthfully didn't know where I was walking to or exactly why I was being an absolute asshole but my this part of my mind kept telling me just to walk away and continue being the way you currently are, falsely convincing myself that it will fix whatever problem is at hand.
I felt a hand at my shoulder stopping me at my tracks and being forcefully spun around and there was Kenny with knitted eyes pressed together in clear frustration. I slapped his hand away as if he was plagued with some fatal air borne disease.
"Don't fucking touch me." I said with heavy emphasis on each word I poured out.
Kenny however didn't listen and ended up grasping both of my shoulders in what felt like desperation. He looked at me again, searching but I decided to linger my eyes to the ground beneath me instead.
"Kyle, you can seriously stand here and tell me you don't feel the same way?" Kenny pleaded his question as he lightly shook my shoulders.
I didn't answer, I couldn't think of one. I simply closed my mind down, nudged away from his grasp, turned around and resumed walking away, with nothing less then a grunt.
"Your not gonna fucking walk away Kyle." Kenny shouted not chasing after me this time.
I continued to walk completely ignoring him, feeling like shit.
"You can't run away from everything Kyle! You always fucking do this to shit you don't feel comfortable with!" Kenny bellowed.
That comment stopped me at my tracks, gluing me into place and I felt this horrible sinking sensation travel through my chest. I never did turn around to face Kenny I was too afraid to nor did I have any willing power to do so. After a few long agonizing moments I can faintly hear Kenny's soft footsteps walking towards me, if my ears weren't ringing so hard I probably would have heard his steps a lot better.
"Kyle." Kenny soothed from behind me as he placed a gentle hand to my shoulder. At that moment I felt this hard lump develop in my throat and resisting the urge to shed fresh tears. I took in a deep breath and I felt Kenny's hand move from the heave of my back.
"Kyle." Kenny said again not loosing the kind quality to his voice. "It's alright." He said as if he knew exactly what my problem was.
I turned around and faced him with a light frown. "It's alright?" I said in a mocking tone. "What the hell is alright with what you did back at the tree house!?" I demanded as I backed away from Kenny.
"I should be asking you the same thing." Kenny said with huff laced with exasperation as he advanced on me as I continued to back away from him. "Why did you enjoy it?" He asked matter-of-factly
I instantly can feel my face loose its coloration. "I-I…I " Fuck, now I'm stuttering, something I never do. "I didn't!" I manage to choke out, I can now feel the tears stinging at my eyes wanting to come out.
"…Denial..." Kenny simply commented resuming with his genuine tone as his eyes looked away from mine for a split moment. "I know you felt something, I swear you did." He insisted having the utmost hope in his voice.
"Your wrong." I muttered, slightly shaking my head side to side.
I still kept backing away from Kenny as he walked towards me, I suddenly felt my back hit against something hard. I can smell the crisp scent of fresh wood and pine, I bumped into a damn tree.
I stayed there and Kenny was soon right in front of me, almost to my chest. I looked up glaring, hoping it would make him back off but I know for fact a death glare means nothing to the boy that suffered the most fatal of inhuman deaths.
"…Are you sure you believe to everything your saying?" Kenny asked in a mere whisper, his voice sending my knees to give out in its strength.
Here is the question I've asked myself for years, and I've refused to answer it in all its truth.
Fuck…I don't feel good.
I didn't answer his question. I stood silent, keeping his gaze this time. Without thinking, I can now sense my mind weakening the protective barrier I kept up for so many years and engrossed on how beautiful his eyes looked in the moonlit darkness. I felt safe and cared for when I looked into Kenny's eyes, I really did, and I finally told that unfamiliar part of my mind that.
I suddenly felt an abundant amount of overwhelming emotion gust through me and the tears that has been threatening my eyes finally released.
At that second Kenny eyes changed into total concern, he cupped the sides of my face with both hands and wiped the tears that rolled down my flushed cheeks with his thumb. He rested his forehead against mine and looked not only into my eyes but into my entire soul.
"…I love you too." he murmured.