"Edward said you enjoyed the house," Carlisle stated, changing the subject.

I smiled. "Yes, I did."

"He also mentioned some changes you wish to make."

I smirked. "Only a few things."

"Ah, which reminds me." He disappeared for a sixteenth of a second and reappeared carrying a handful of bags. "I was not sure what you would like…"

I laughed. "Carlisle." Even after saying his name again and again, I couldn't get used to it.

Together, we rummaged through each bag. I pulled out dress after dress, color after color and fabric after fabric. The scent of each store mingled with Carlisle's scent. Eventually, I settled for a soft violet dress with lace at the sleeves and beads around the collar – definitely something I would have never thought about wearing around Charles.

I looked at Carlisle who had been watching me the entire time. The agony in my throat made it hard to focus. Should I ask to go hunting again? I'd already gone twice and it hadn't been one full day yet. I heard Edward make his way up the stairs and into the room. I didn't look at him but Carlisle turned his head.

"You don't need to ask, Esme," Edward stated.

Carlisle looked at me. "Ah." He stood up and went to Edward, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you."

Edward shrugged. "She doesn't want to tell you, Carlisle – that's the problem."

Carlisle looked back at me with a crinkle in his eyebrows. "Esme," he said softly, "you need to tell me."

I swallowed – a sad attempt to dissipate the burn – and looked up. Edward had disappeared. The pain in my throat was too great that I didn't hear him leave. "Carlisle…"

He walked over to me and took my hand.

We were out of the house in two seconds' time, running somewhere, anywhere. We stopped ten miles from the house. He paused, letting go of my hand. I wanted to reach for his but I stopped. Was he angry? Was he hurt because I didn't tell him? Again, something I didn't understand.

"Esme, I know it bothers you but I don't want you to not tell me when you're thirsty. It's vital for you to tell me."

I breathed in but smelled nothing, agitating the burn even more. "I'm sorry. I'm still taken aback by everything and it's awkward and…" my voice trailed off.

He was silent for a full minute, his back towards me. I swallowed air, repeatedly, begging the pain to disappear. And then I smelled it.

Him? Her? It didn't matter. Ten, fifteen, thirty miles away? It didn't matter. My throat was screaming to be pleased, to be satiated, and this human would do it.

My eyes flitted in all directions. Where? Where? Where? my mind was screaming. My mouth was watering as venom coursed through my entire body. A snarl ripped from my throat.

"No," I heard my angel's voice through the discord.

"Carlisle," I pleaded, tense. "I need this."

"You want it, Esme. You don't need it."

But the fire in my throat said otherwise. The monster was screaming to be fed properly. Although the strength to object Carlisle and find the human outweighed the strength it took to simply stay, I couldn't upset him. I turned in a sixteenth of a second only to be slammed against a tree. It fell to the ground with a loud crack.

Carlisle had me pinned to the ground, holding my arms to my side. "Esme!" he hissed.

Then I realized I was crying silent, tearless, choking sobs. Yet amidst the tears, I was thrashing. Seconds later, Edward appeared and he too held me pinned to the ground.

"You can't have her," Carlisle began, soothing and reassuring. His golden eyes searched my crimson pair. "You never know what she has at home – a husband, a family, children… Surely, you can understand that, Esme."

Another snarl. Yes, I could, but my throat couldn't, the monster inside of me couldn't. I was being bitter but the monster I was didn't care. It was torture, like the burning agony of thousand flames licking my whole body – the transformation – heightened to the highest degree and concentrated in my throat. The scent of an animal didn't come close to that of the human. Simply thinking about the human's scent kept my mouth moist with venom. I didn't want to be a monster.

Carlisle looked at Edward. Serious expressions held both their faces.

Edward shook his head as he whispered something – too low for even me to hear – and Carlisle simply nodded. Then he loosened his grip on me as Carlisle's tightened but Edward continued to hover.

"I am a monster, Carlisle," I admitted through choking sobs.

Hurt flashed across his face and disappointment swam in the pool of gold. "No, Esme," he said and I felt his grip loosen, "you aren't – at least, you don't have to be."

But the tearless sobs wouldn't stop.

—

It wasn't easy. Although Carlisle and Edward managed to take me far away from human as possible in order to hunt, the human's scent remained in my head the rest of the day and throughout the night. I tried not to concentrate on the scent for too long. I heard Edward and Carlisle arguing although I only heard Edward speak.

Carlisle had bought some extra things for me: paper and sketching pencils. Perhaps Edward had helped Carlisle learn what I liked. Nonetheless, I had to get my mind off the human. I opened the window and looked out. Trees surrounded the entire house. The sun seeped through, throwing its rays against my skin.

I loved the sun as a human. As a little girl, I would come home from school and spend hours in fields of flowers, basking in the sun day after day as it turned my skin dark, but now, as a vampire, I could never do that. Carlisle had been so kind to me, so gentle, and loving. I believed him when he said he knew what he had to do but I jumped because I wanted to leave this world … Yet I had awaken to live again. Not just to live, but live eternally without Nathan. I sighed, pushing myself away from the window sill. It began to rain so I shut the window.

I sighed. In quick vampire speed, I ran down the stairs and out the door, into the rain. Then I ran. I ran and ran until I was somehow physically tired of running. I sat down, leaning against a tree. With my knees close against my chest, I set my chin on top of my knees.

I listened intently to the rain hitting the trees and the ground. I felt nothing – no warmth, no cold. And then I was choking again, tearless sobs. Silent and empty. Why? my mind continued to ask me. I shrugged to no one but myself. I don't know.

Carlisle. My beautiful, saving angel. And Edward. I sensed so much in his gestures, his words, and his eyes. Could I leave them? Could I drop everything and leave like so many times before? It was different this time, I was no longer a human and what now, would I be running from? Not from an abusive husband, not from a father who threatened to find me. But rather from a man I had dreamed about for years, thinking I would never see him again. The relief I felt when I first saw him with the eyes of my new life held no comparison to when I first saw him with the eyes of a sixteen-year-old human girl.

I uncurled my body and stood. I took off sprinting, deciding to return home again. I heard Edward and Carlisle in the library yet neither of them came to me – I didn't want them to. I buried myself in the room upstairs and sketched.

For the rest of the night, I sketched. I sketched the house, Edward, and Carlisle. I pulled Nathan from my memory. He was still a vague memory but I could still remember. The more I thought about him, the easier he was to remember.

As night gave way to day, the sun was still hiding behind the rainclouds. I listened as Carlisle left the house. He didn't come to say good-bye. He must be angry. I shook my head, glancing around my room.

My sketches were scattered across the room. I sighed deeply. I listened as footsteps came closer and closer. I breathed in. It wasn't Carlisle's scent. The scent reminded me of honey, lilacs, and oddly enough, it reminded me of the warmth of the sun on my human face. I waited.

"Esme?"

I turned to Edward. I had never paid much attention to him until now. He was muscular but lanky. His eyes were amber, not yet golden like Carlisle's, but not crimson like mine. He wore a pair of beige trousers and a burgundy button-up shirt. His chiseled features reminded me of Carlisle as his skin matched both of ours.

"Edward."

"I couldn't help but listen to you…. Please know that Carlisle isn't angry with you."

I bit my lip.

"We know how hard it is for you, Esme. We wouldn't be trying to stay away from humans unless there was another way. Carlisle is a good man; he wouldn't do anything if he did not know it was possible."

I nodded. I had only evaded on Carlisle's kindness for a few days but Edward even longer. My mind quickly drifted to perhaps leaving again.

Edward furrowed his eyebrows. "He doesn't want you to leave either."

Oh, the mind reading again. I had forgotten.

"Perhaps you don't see you the way Carlisle does, but I do. He would be heart-broken, Esme."

Heart-broken like I had been when I lost Nathan?

"Yes, Esme, exactly so."

I sighed. "When will he be home?"

"Around noon."

I nodded.

"Esme, if you ever need to go hunting, please don't hesitate to ask. Carlisle asked for me to watch you while he was away… I… I don't want to disappoint him."

He spoke of Carlisle like a proud son would speak about a good father. This made me a small smile break across my face.

"In many ways, Carlisle is a father to me. I respect him."

Hesitantly, I reached to stroke Edward's face. He didn't pull away. So young, I thought. "I see that you are good to Carlisle and now to me. He couldn't ask for anyone better, Edward."

To this, Edward grinned. "I'll be downstairs."

I nodded and watched him leave. I picked up the sketches around the room and placed them on the bed. I scurried downstairs to see Edward on the couch, a book in hand. He didn't look up. I drifted into Carlisle's office, ignoring the sudden pain in my throat. The burning would forever be there.

As I stepped into his office, the warmth of Carlisle's scent hit me. I smiled. The desk was piled with books, some open, some closed, and some overlapping one another. I imagined Carlisle at the desk, reading book after book as his long, pale, beautiful fingers turning page after page, taking in as much information as he could about everything. I ran my hands over book spines, listening to the pitter-patter of the rain.

I sat in the large chair, facing it towards the window. I opened the tan curtains and watched as the rain hit the window. And I waited for Carlisle.