Chapter Fifteen: Implications
"What about it?" she asked, scanning his assignment. She looked back at him.
Draco gave her a pleading look, and wondered why he'd even said anything. What could she possibly make of that information? Would she even believe that there was a distinct possibility that they were soulmates? She had become his best friend, in reality, the only person in the world who actually understood him on some level - but how would she take it if he mentioned something that sounded like it could go a step further?
He hadn't even thought of her as his best friend until he'd read that passage, and now he wished that he hadn't read it; it was twisting everything up into something he didn't recognize.
Or maybe twisting it into something he did recognize, but didn't want to admit to or acknowledge.
"What did it say about soulmates? Does it have to do with the prophecy you're researching?"
Draco shook his head and closed his eyes. "It has to do with us."
Hermione looked at him incredulously, hoping that he didn't mean what she thought he meant. "What are you on about?"
Draco opened is cloak and took out a leather-bound book. He was feeling distinctly sick to his stomach now that he'd gotten a taste of what her inevitable reaction would be.
"It's right here - " he flipped to the bookmarked page and gave her the book.
He watched her face as she read the passage, wondering why he would ever tell her. Of course she would be appalled by the very idea that they could be soulmates, and of course she would be appalled of the very idea that he would think about that. What the whole thing suggested - that he thought that they should give it a try romantically - would surely send her running. And even though that was not his intention, there was no way for her to know that.
"I don't know what to say to this, Draco." He looked up at her, reading her expression. "I'm... I don't know what to make of it all."
"You don't have to make anything of it. It's just something I read that explained a lot. It was bothering me."
"No, Draco. It's not just something you read," she said lowly, looking at him. There was an edge to her voice. She didn't know why she was suddenly feeling agitated - perhaps a tiny part of her had hoped that there would be something - anything - that would bring them together, but not like this. She looked at him, and saw his expression - he was... disappointed? It was too much. "What does this mean to you?"
"It was just a thought - you don't have to get mad about it."
"I'm not mad."
"Well, you certainly look mad," he assessed, looking down.
There was silence as she stared at him.
This has happened before, so why do I feel like this? Of course patients think they love me because I listen to them and I simulate a friendship. Of course he would feel the same way; I'm probably the only person he has in the world. And as much as I care about him, I never thought he'd feel this way about me.
"I'm sorry," he said, not looking up at her.
"Don't be sorry. I know that this kind of magic is very strong, and I believe every word that is written here... I just don't know if it applies to what you were saying about that awareness that I appear to have."
He wasn't sorry about the implications - he was sorry that he'd brought it up. "Of course it applies, Granger. It says it nearly word for word; it describes it so perfectly. You just don't want that person to be me." There was a note of accusation in his voice.
That had definitely hurt her more than it should have. Hermione realized that she was practically rejecting him when he was putting himself out on a limb, which was something he hadn't done since she'd made him cry. "I never said that."
"You were thinking it. And who said," Draco continued, raising his voice a bit, "that I even wanted that, in the way that you think? I never said that."
"You were thinking it." He was starting to get defensive, and she wasn't about to let this be about her.
It was pretty clear at this point that they weren't on the same page.
"How do you know that?"
She shook her head, looking back over the passage. "Why would you tell me if you thought it wasn't the case? ..."
"It doesn't matter," he said, getting up. "Think what you want. Make of it what you want. I've stopped caring. Are we done with the therapy bullshit yet? Because I don't know what I'm doing here - "
"That's hogwash! Therapy has helped you so much - "
"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT."
Hermione blinked. Why was he so mad suddenly? "Sometimes you make no sense. What are you talking about?" she asked quietly.
He saw the therapist come out - she was trying to quell his temper by being calm. It made him even more angry. "I'm talking about that soulmate thing. I'm NOT trying to chat you up, and I'm NOT saying that I want us to hook up and have kids or something. I'm just saying that it explained a lot. Why are you always jumping to conclusions? Stop being a fucking therapist for two seconds, and just read the words on the page."
Hermione shook her head, feeling her throat close up. He was getting very close to something that she did not want out in the open - the fact that most of the time, she couldn't turn off the therapist in her. She was constantly analyzing and looking for secret meanings. She looked at him squarely, viciously dishing out her next words. "For the two hours you are in my office, I am your therapist, and no one else. How many times do I have to tell you?"
Draco stared at her, still standing. His eyes were piercing, trying to figure out what she was thinking. If she looked away, he would know - and she did not need to be the one on that couch right now. She could tell that her words had definitely hurt him - his expression now reflected a certain coldness that she knew from their first meetings. And more than anything, she could tell that he really wanted to bring her down.
It was obvious that he'd thought that they were friends now. And it was obvious that he was hurting for her deception.
The fact that it wasn't deception in his case... was something he did not need to know to understand her point.
He shook his head, looking up at the ceiling as if to deter any tears from falling. "You know, Granger... when a person gets every feeling of privacy, and friendship, and caring from you... and then you suddenly turn back into the government social worker..."
It had hurt him more than she had realized. His actual heart had been shat upon at this point. So he can let people inside. She was immediately contrite. "You know I didn't mean it like that - "
"Did you? I'm not sure anymore. When you took me to St. Mungo's and stayed there all night waiting for me, what was going on there? Was that a part of your job?"
Hermione stared at him, searching her brain for something to say. He was close to his breaking point again; she could feel him teetering on the fringes of sanity.
"And when you came over to my house to play doctor, what was going on there? Are you, in reality, just as evil as I am? All of that feels so manipulative now."
She closed her eyes for a second, trying not to lash out at that. "Sometimes you think I'm talking to you as Hermione Granger... most of the time I'm talking to you as a counselor. I've told you to forget about who we are - "
"And I've already said that I couldn't do it."
" - But I really do care about you, Draco."
He snorted. "The same way you care about your little friends? Or the way you care about some abandoned cat you find on the street, that would die without your care so you feel obligated to take it in. You manipulate the poor thing into thinking that you care, when in reality you are just doing it because you feel like you have to or you're out for some petty revenge for the scratches the cat has dealt you. "
Ah. So is that why he wanted to know what she got out of it all yesterday?
"That's not even what's going on here, Draco - "
"Of course it is! Don't even try to tell me otherwise. I've got you figured out."
Hermione narrowed her eyes. He was getting to her now. "Oh really? I highly doubt that."
His temper visibly flared at her holier-than-thou tone. "Climb down," he said dangerously.
"You know what? If you're too blind to figure out why I help you, then you can bloody leave!" She threw out her arm, pointing at the door.
He leaned forward. "Make me."
She stared at him incredulously. This was her office. Has he learned nothing since he's come here? Certainly he knows better than to challenge my authority in my own office.
"If you're too scared to admit the truth, then I'm not the one who needs a shrink."
She realized, then, that they were arguing just like they'd used to. This argument they were having - an argument that was saying basically nothing - was seriously hurting everything that they'd accomplished.
"Are you telling me that my entire paper is wrong? I can't believe I actually thought that you cared."
"I DO CARE. I CARE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW!"
He snorted again.
Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, getting out of her chair slowly. She knew that she was getting a little too emotional about this, but she had not broken open the barriers of his mind only to have him close this out. "Do you have any idea how much I've done for you? Do you have any idea of how many opportunities I've had to sabotage you, opportunities I did not take? And do you have any idea why I haven't sabotaged you?" She was standing right in front of him, jabbing her finger at him. "Don't you even dare make this about me and what I do. Yes, I manipulate. But I do it because I care. So much."
He looked down at her. "That makes no sense."
"Why do you think I try so hard? If I didn't care, then I wouldn't do some of the things I do for you. Sometimes, I need to manipulate in order to help you. This is, after all, more than a job to me."
He laughed humorlessly. "So is that why you do this? You think that you're contributing to the greater good?"
Did I NOT just say that I do this because I CARE?!
Hermione crossed her arms in front of her, lifting her chin a bit. He still wasn't getting it - and furthermore, if he was about to challenge her ideas about her job and its contribution to the world, he was about to get stepped on in a major way, therapy be damned.
To her surprise, he nodded and looked at her squarely, speaking quietly. "You don't need to tear me down. You know I get it." He waved his hand at her.
She furrowed her brows. He was doing it again; he had gotten stuck on some extraneous thought and said something that only he would understand. These thoughts tended to come completely out of nowhere. "You get what?"
"That I'm a shithead." He stepped forward, and she had to tilt her head up to keep looking at him.
She didn't exactly know how to answer that, so she nodded. Now she understood - he was arguing because he didn't know what else to do. It was his way of covering himself.
"You really need to stop doing that," she muttered.
"I know it."
She sighed, stepping around her desk and falling into her seat. "You've got nothing to protect here."
He raised his eyebrows at her. "I feel like I do."
Hermione shook her head and closed his emotional magic book before rubbing some life back into her face. Please tell me that I didn't waste the last five minutes of my life. "You've done well with this assignment. I am really happy about it - or I was, before we went off like that. It shows that you are changing on the inside."
Draco shook his head and fell heavily onto the blue sofa. "You're doing it again," he said tiredly.
She stared at him. This time, she didn't have to ask him what he was talking about. "You know what I mean."