Chapter Eighteen: Books and Parchment

She titled her head. "Okay then. When you listen to yourself when you talk - "

Draco snorted. "Here we go again - therapist assignment to shove me back under my rock."

"I wasn't finished, you twit. When you listen to yourself when you talk to yourself, in your head, is what you are saying mostly positive or mostly negative? Tell me the kinds of things that you say to yourself on a daily basis."

"Oh, you mean things like, 'I'm so fucking stupid,' and 'I can't believe I didn't fix that while I had the chance,' and - "

"So you engage in a lot of negative self talk," Hermione said, waving her hand. "That's what I wanted to hear," she muttered to herself, causing Draco to stare at her incredulously. "Now, do you know what the cause was of this negative thinking?"

"You."

Hermione shook her head and made a note on her parchment. "Do you find yourself speaking and thinking negatively about your life, experiences, and yourself?"

"All the time."

"What is it that you like about your personality?"

There was a moment of silence before he responded, "I can never think of anything."

"Dislike?"

"There are much too many things to name at this point."

"Hmm. If there was one word to describe yourself, what would it be?"

Draco thought again. "'Fascist' comes to mind." Hermione gave him a look, and he shrugged. "I don't know, really."

Hermione continued writing. "Well, I don't think I need you to answer any of the other ones. You have cognitive distortions. Do you know what that means?" Draco shook his head. "It means that your perception of reality - of your self reality - is distorted in areas. When you evaluate a situation and come to a conclusion that is not the reality, that can be a cognitive distortion.

"Now, people who have a low opinion of themselves have that opinion because of quite a few factors, including their evaluation of their aptitudes and deficits; their life experiences and what they perceive to be the causes and effects; the thoughts they tend to have in certain situations; general pessimistic thinking; and negative generalizations or irrational beliefs. All of these are contributors to your unhappiness and your pain. In fact, most of these things are properties of people who have depression."

"There's a clinical condition for depressed people?"

"Yes, just like there is a clinical condition for people who shout random obscenities. It's not supernatural."

"So... you think I have depression."

"No, I know that you don't have depression. You still have an amazingly large ego for someone who hates himself so much. What you have is a by-product of your life and experiences." Hermione finished filling out the sheet of paper and set it aside. "The entire time you have been seeing me, I have been trying to get you to understand reality, because your perceptions of things are always completely off base. I've had to reprogram you, so to speak. And I'm not finished. Now that I have let you know what morals you should have and you have adopted some of them, I need to start changing, more, the perceptions you have about yourself, because they are not always accurate."

"Sure they are. I'm an idiot - correct. Everyone hates me - correct. I've come this far on pure luck - correct."

"No, Draco. There is something different with you. For some reason, the perception you have of yourself is a tangled mess that we need to sort through and rearrange together. For some things, your ego shows, and for others, you put yourself down. We need to establish what's the what."

"So you basically made me think of myself as a piece of crap and now you're trying to fix it?"

"No! I brought to light what you already knew and didn't want to accept. That was my gift to you - and trust me, it is a gift. Now we need to start clearing out the negative feelings. What I'm not going to do is tell you that you are the king of the world and oh-so-wonderful. I am going to mold you into the person worthy of being thought of in a positive light, and will help you see the goodness and the progress when you cannot see it for yourself."

Draco looked at his splotch on the ceiling, the calmest look coming over his face. It was beginning to look more like a rabbit. "I'm a bad person, Hermione," he said softly. "I don't know if you can change that."

Hermione stared at him for a few reasons. She had never heard him speak in such a familiar manner to her - the way her name came out of his mouth sounded extremely strange, as if he had never said it before or had only just learned what her real name was. It was also the first seemingly sincere time he had told her this, and he sounded like he really thought that way.

Underneath it all, she saw something else as well -

He didn't think he could change anymore. He didn't think that he could heal.

"We have done so much, Draco. Of course it gets better."

"I think I've reached that wall you talk about."

Hermione shook her head. "We're starting the healing process anyway. One thing you learn about patients is that there are some things that are set in stone, never to be changed, and there are some things that aren't. We'll find what we can change here, and understand the things we can't."

"For example, I've tried to make myself care about people. I've tried to make myself care about the world, care about its problems, and even care more about myself... but I don't think I can do it."

Hermione shook her head. "It doesn't just happen overnight, and it doesn't just click one day. Caring is something that grows over time, and is not something you can force yourself to do. I'll let you know when you are there."

Draco straightened his tie. It was the morning once again, he had work once again, and he had to see his therapist at 10 once again.

The difference?

Draco was feeling extremely good.

He had taken some of Hermione's blue potion the night before and had determined that newborn babies could not sleep better. He had gotten a proper breakfast. And it had been a few weeks since Hermione had given him a that nightmare. He couldn't really know why he was feeling so great - it was something in the air, maybe. Or - just maybe - it was Hermione Granger's therapy sessions.

He doubted that though.

Draco stared at her.

"Is it true?"

Hermione kept her gaze on her desktop, knowing exactly what he was talking about. For whatever reason, everyone was extremely surprised by the news. She hesitated for a few more seconds before letting him have it.

"Yes. I am pregnant."

Draco ran his hands through his hair. To be honest, he didn't know how he felt about that. When Ron had told him that morning... it was like the world had suddenly stopped turning. It's not that he wasn't supportive... but he just did not know how to take it.

Hermione Granger was the one continuity in his life at the moment, the one thing that stood still when time would not. Now, even she was changing...

He cleared his throat. "Whew, Granger. What timing. You're the type to wait for marriage."

"Am I, now?"

Draco shook his head. "Well, I know you two are getting married soon... I don't know, it's just... so weird."

Hermione looked at him. "Just because I am a serious person does not mean that I lack the reproductive organs necessary."

Okay, he really didn't need to hear all of that. "I thought Potter was more your type anyway. I thought you'd go for him."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well," Draco said, thinking. "You know, the knight in shining armor, sword blazing... kind of thing. And he does have nice eyes. Innocent looking." Hermione's lips quirked into a smirk, so Draco quickly backtracked. "I mean, I notice these things. I'm not gay or anything, but I do notice."

She shook her head, opening his file on her desk. "Harry is a complete stud - or he could be if he had a little more meat on his bones - but he is like a brother to me more than anything."

Draco's face lit up a bit. "Younger or older?"

Hermione thought before grinning back. "Most of the time, younger." She got out her quill and parchment. "So why don't you have a girlfriend, Draco?"

Draco shook his head, leaning back on the couch. "Much the opposite of public opinion, my bed is all sealed in slippery plastic. No girl wants to date me."

Hermione made a note on her parchment pad, nodding. "I'm sure that's not true," she said quietly.

"Trust me, it's true. No one wants to date a felon. It's an instant mood killer on dates."

Hermione suddenly grinned. She was looking really nice today, actually - she was glowing. "I have to tell you this story."

Draco shrugged, wondering at her good mood. "Go for it."

"Okay. Once when I was fifteen, I was riding the public bus system, and this guy tried to chat me up. He was a complete creep." Hermione paused and wrote something on her parchment. "So in order to get rid of him, I had to think fast."

"A little 'Stupefy' under the seat?"

"No. I pretended to be insane. I was saying things like, 'I take medication for my homicidal urges,' and 'it doesn't kick in for another hour.' And then I would say, 'If you want to go on a date with me, I have to know your full name and address just in case my psychotic step-dad has to kill you later.'"

"Wow. I'm impressed." He was chuckling.

"It was quite funny, actually. I was saying things like, 'I stabbed this girl in the eye once,' and 'I have a criminal record in Switzerland.' He got away from me really quickly."

"Wow, Granger. That is creative."

"I know. I was really proud of myself, I went home and told my parents about it. They laughed too." She was silent for a few seconds before she looked back at her parchment. "Okay, back to my question. Are you even trying to get a girlfriend? Significant others have a way of making us feel good about ourselves."

Draco smirked. "I never try. I just wait for them to come. You know, you chase a butterfly and it flies away, but if you sit still, it just might land on you."

Hermione nodded, writing away. "Well, that is an interesting philosophy. At least I know you won't become a womanizing pig."

He shook his head and looked at the ceiling. "That never got me very far. People hated me anyway; the only girl who could stand me was Pansy, and she had her own reasons for liking me. Of course, after I went to Azkaban she met some other guy somewhere, which is fine, I guess."

Hermione looked at him. "Are you still thinking about that bit?"

"No, it's fine. I could tell she wasn't all that happy; I wasn't ever really nice to her, even when we were going out. I ignored her a lot."

"Just so you know, women hate that."

Draco nodded admittedly. "Yes, I figured."

"Anyway, I was asking because it is a step in your healing process, a step towards caring about people. We've been working on this for a little bit, haven't we? But you need to take it a step further. You still have half a year on your parole, no wand, and no big beautiful Malfoy Manor - but we are not concerned with that yet. Trust me, once you get it back it won't even feel like home."

"It never did," Draco muttered.

Hermione stared at him for a few seconds before saying, "But it must be gorgeous."

Draco shook his head, eyebrows raised. "There's no doubt of that. Huge library too..." He smiled at Hermione's look of interest.

She shook the look off her face. "Well, like I said, we aren't concerned with that yet. Right now, we are trying to get you on a positive track. Since you don't really have your family left, and it would take a miracle for you to care about them based on what you've told me... we'll try the significant other. The girl who works at the counter here, Asteria, likes you. I know she's a little young, but only by maybe two years. Why don't you take her out to lunch or something - she's got her seventh year at Hogwarts coming up fast."

He remembered her - she was pretty. And her eager "Hello, Mr. Malfoy," every day was not lost on him. He, of course, only nodded to her in return.

"I say you should go for it. As a therapy thing, and a personal thing." Hermione smiled.

Draco stared at her. "Is it me, or are you suddenly placing some stock in girlie stuff like having a boyfriend?"

She glared at him playfully. "I realize its importance - I'm not all books and parchment. But I've always had better things to do."

"Well, maybe I do too."

"No you don't. Ask her out as you leave. I'll be watching you."

So much for having Granger as a soulmate. "Yes ma'am."

Author's Note: Make sure you guys visit my profile page for author's notes and updates... also, I have a treat for all you fans - some fanart (sort of.) The link is on my profile page. Happy reading!