Cannonball Run 2003
Chapter Five:Desert Life
Night had fallen shortly after the teams passed the roadblock. Team M.I.T. once again had their black headlights on.
"It's nice to know the black headlights work." said Jackie.
"Yeah, better than the navigation system." said Michael.
"How's it coming, by the way?" asked Jackie.
"I'm about ready to chuck it." said Michael.
Just down the road, two highway patrolmen were waiting in the darkness with a radar gun.
"Remember the good old days when we used to chase speeders?" asked one.
"Yeah, this is really boring." replied the other.
Their radar showed up on Jackie and Michael's display quickly. "Hold up, we got something." said Jackie.
"Well, I'll be damned!" said Michael. "It's a Kojak with a Kodak."
"We're passing 'em now and they don't even know we're here." said Jackie.
"Sayanora!" called Michael.
"Bye bye." quipped Jackie.
The Subaru whizzed past the police car. The only indication the cops had that anything had passed was a reading on the radar gun.
"What the hell was that?" asked one cop.
"I dunno, but it was going a hundred and forty miles-an-hour." replied the other.
The Drake raced into an Outback Steakhouse's parking lot and squealed to a halt. A waitress ran over to the car with a bag of food and a few drinks.
"Thank you for coming to the Outback Steakhouse." she said. "Although, it was kind of hard to understand what you saying over the phone."
"Yeah, that's because when I called you, I was going a hundred and fifty miles an hour." replied the Drake.
"Plus, he doesn't have Sprint." said Ron.
"That was three No Rules Burgers." said the Drake. "One with American cheese and bacon. One with American cheese and barbecue sauce. The last with Swiss cheese and sauteed mushrooms. With that were three Cokes."
Just then, the Drake was captivated by the waitress' beauty.
"Have you ever considered marrying for money?" he asked.
The waitress was a little shocked.
"Uh, how much do I owe you?" he asked.
"Thirty-five dollars, fifteen cents." she replied.
The Drake took off one of his cuff links, handed it to her, and said "Keep the change."
He then drove off, then backed up. The waitress walked back to the car.
The Drake handed her a hundred dollars and said "Get a physical!" He then drove off again and yelled "I shall return!"
The ambulance took a separate route and was hit by a rainstorm. Victor was driving with Pamela keeping him company.
"J.J. explained his reasons for being in this race." said Pamela.
"Means a lot to him as you can see." said Victor. "It's already cost him one relationship."
"What do you mean?" asked Pamela.
"Her name's Gina." said Victor "She and J.J. dated for several years. She came with us on the Cannonball last year. She and J.J. had a diagreement and she left somewhere in the Mojave Desert."
"What did they disagree on?" asked Pamela.
"Everything." said Victor. "J.J's motivations, the risk, Captain Chaos."
"Captain Chaos?" asked Pamela.
"He's my alter ego." said Victor. "Brave, strong, drives like a Waltrip. Everything I wish I could be."
"Don't say that." said Pamela. "You're doing great."
"Yeah." said Victor. "But not as great as Captain Chaos would."
"You really have a lot of faith in this Captain Chaos, don't you?" asked Pamela.
"He's everything I want to be." said Victor.
Somewhere else, Mad Dog was racing along.
"That was a pretty good idea of how to pass the roadblock." said Batman.
"I'd rather not talk about it." said Mad Dog.
"Is that because of..." asked Batman.
"I said I'd rather not talk about it!" said Mad Dog.
It was at that moment a group of teenagers in a Lumina pulled up behind them with their brights on.
"Yeesh, dim your lights, pal." said Batman.
"Let's see if they're paying attention." said Mad Dog. He promptly turned off his lights, then hit the brakes.
The Lumina swerved around them. As they were passing, one of them threw a beer bottle at them.
"Now, you've crossed the line." said Mad Dog. He turned the lights back on and got on the Lumina's tail.
Mad Dog put the pedal to the floor. The Lumina picked up some speed to escape from the pickup.
"Yeah, stay on his tail." said Batman.
The Lumina raced around another turn, then started trailing smoke. It pulled off to the side with Mad Dog pulling in right behind it.
The Lumina's driver got out looking stunned. He stared at the smoke and steam coming from under the hood of his car with his mouth wide open.
Mad Dog took out one of his business cards, stuck it in the kid's mouth, and said "If you ever want to try that again, here's my address. Next time, I'll pinch your head off and shit in the hole."
He marched back to the truck to find Batman had taken the driver's seat. "I like your style of diplomacy." said Batman.
The next morning, Terry and Mel were seated in an interrogation room somewhere. Mr. Foyt walked in.
"Good morning." he said. "I trust you slept nicely."
"Don't 'good morning' me." said Terry. "You blew up my Chevelle. Do you have any idea how much work I put into that thing?"
"Do you also have any idea how much trouble you're in?" asked Foyt.
"I've got a general idea." said Mel.
"Now, there's an easy way out of this." said Foyt.
"Edelbrock manifold, cams, connecting rods." said Terry. "That stuff doesn't come cheap."
"You can tell us who your competitors are." said Foyt.
"Can I go back to the cell with the Kiwis?" asked Mel. "'Cause there's no way in Hell I'm giving up my friends."
"May I remind you that they're winning and you're not?" asked Foyt.
"And whose fault is that?" asked Terry.
"Mr. Fletcher and Mr. Sharp." said Foyt. "I am giving you a way to avoid jail time in this case."
"Not interested." said both of them.
"Fine." said Foyt. "Take them back to their cells."
"Uh, Mr. Foyt?" said the officer. "You're not our commanding officer."
"What was that?" asked Foyt.
"You're just the consultant." said the officer.
"Take them back to their cells." ordered Foyt.
"Fine." said the officer.
Team M.I.T. had reached the desert states.
"Great news." said Michael.
"What?" asked Jackie.
"I've finally got the navigation system fixed." said Michael.
"Really?" asked Jackie.
"Really." said Michael. "And it says that we have reached Santa Fe, New Mexico."
Jackie smiled at the good news. Then both frowned as they passed a sign reading "Welcome to El Paso, Texas".
"Damn! Damn! Damn!" yelled Michael as Jackie performed a spinout.
Mad Dog decided to sleep late and let Batman drive. Batman had other ideas.
He popped open a dashboard mounted DVD player and inserted an adult movie.
The movie's announcer explained what was going on. "This is the tale of a woman who has been abducted."
Batman listened intently.
"Tomorrow, she will be set free unaware that she has been loved as never before."
Knowing a sex scene was coming up, Batman turned and watched the screen.
A truck's air horn brought him back to reality. He swerved to avoid the collision and wound up driving off road. He pulled back onto the road and narrowly avoided hitting another car.
The whole debacle woke up Mad Dog. He grabbed the DVD case and yelled "What the hell are you doing?" while hitting him with the case. "Don't you know how many people get themselves killed doing that? What? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
Jill and Marcie raced down the highway with an Arizona DPS trooper on their tail.
"Oh shoot." said Jill.
"Do that nitrous thing again?" asked Marcie.
"Why not?" said Jill.
Marcie opened the valve on the nitrous tank and flipped the switch on the control unit. "We have nitrous." she announced.
"Ignition." said Jill.
She floored the accelerator and got her needed speed boost. Unfortunately, she hit a turn and started to lose control.
"Turn it off!" yelled Jill.
"What?" yelled Marcie.
"Turn it off!" repeated Jill.
Jill came out of the turn and tried to regain control, but failed. The Toyota spun out. The police car coasted to a stop and the door opened.
Jill rolled down her window. "Don't worry." she told Marcie. "I've got a Plan B."
The state trooper walked over to the spun MR2 ready to ticket the driver. Jill unbuttoned her blouse and teased her hair a little. She then turned to the officer...and discovered the officer was female.
"Well hello, hot pants." said the trooper. "You wouldn't happen to have a driver's license tucked down in there somewhere."
"Yes, ma'am." said Jill as she took her license out of her purse. Marcie just buried her face in her hand.
The Drake also ran into trouble with the police. A pair of California Highway Patrol officers had pulled him over outside of Needles.
"Never seen a damn BMW go a hundred and fifty before." said one officer as the Drake signed the ticket. "What do you have in there?"
"Stock." said Ron before giving the "sort of" gesture.
"Well, I'm sure you've heard about my mother's intent to become a major land owner in Southern California." said the Drake as he signed the ticket. "I'm sure she'll keep you all on as members of the Highway Patrol regardless of how shabbily you treated her son."
"Tell it to the judge." said another officer.
"Very well." said the Drake as he motioned Susan and Ron to return to the BMW.
The Drake and his entourage got back into the car and the CHP officers returned to theirs. Suddenly, the Drake restarted his BMW and raced off.
"This is for you and the judge!" he yelled as he threw the ticket out the window.
"That god damn yuppie!" yelled one of the officers as he returned to his car. Within seconds, they were in pursuit of the Drake again.
Another CHP officer was in pursuit of the GMC while Batman was driving.
"First time in a high speed chase?" asked Mad Dog.
"You bet." said Batman.
"You handle it well." said Mad Dog. "Try this side road."
Batman turned down the side road, but the officer followed.
"Shit." said Mad Dog. "Still on our tail."
"Doesn't get much worse than this." said Batman.
Just then, he saw a railroad crossing with a passing train up ahead. A loading ramp for cattle sat in front of him.
"I think I have an idea of what to do." said Batman.
"I think I see what it is." said Mad Dog. He grabbed the door's pull handle and the center console to brace.
Batman aimed for the ramp and watched the train. A flatbed car was coming. Batman timed the jump precisely and cleared the flatbed car. The truck came to a landing on the other side.
Batman looked back at the train and let out a yelp of excitement.
"Evel Kneivel." said Mad Dog. "You've got yourself some competition!" Then he and Batman shared a laugh.
Team M.I.T. was being chased as well.
"Come on, I gotta ditch this smokey." groaned Jackie.
"This is weird." said Michael. "I think I'm still having problems with the navigation system."
"Why's that?" asked Jackie.
"Well, it says there's cross traffic up ahead, but there's no side roads." explained Michael.
Just then, they came upon the cross traffic which turned out to be a group of dune buggies racing through the desert. Seeing an opportunity to escape, Jackie turned to follow them. The officer couldn't follow.
"Subaru four-wheel-drive." remarked Jackie as the Impreza raced up the hill.
He then crested it and bounced down the other side. The Subaru and the buggies tried to climb another hill, but it was too steep. The buggy drivers let their vehicles roll back down the hill, but the Subaru wouldn't.
"Great, now we're stuck." said Michael.
"We were going great guns, though." said Jackie.
"Wait." said Michael. "Remember our secret weapon?"
"Are you refering to the JATO bottles?" asked Jackie.
"They don't need traction." said Michael.
"I'd like to say no," said Jackie as he activated the JATO bottles "but it's our only option."
The trunk popped open and revealed the JATO bottles.
Michael flipped a few switches and said "Passengers, prepare for takeoff."
The JATO bottles began to hiss in preparation for ignition.
"Ready?" asked Jackie as the JATO bottles roared to life. "Hit it."
Michael hit the ignition button and sent the Subaru right up the hill. The excess thrust even sent the car airborne a little.
"Hey, try to avoid the side of a cliff or we'll become an urban legend." joked Michael.
Blake and Fenderbaum raced through California.
"I think we're making up lost time nicely." said Fenderbaum.
"Yeah, but we have a lot of lost time." said Blake. "If I get my hands on McClure, I'm gonna..."
A voice came over their radio. "This is a message going out to all Cannonballers. The police are all over on high alert. Report to the emergency meeting place immediately."
"Now what?" asked Fenderbaum.
"I guess we'll find out." said Blake.
TO BE CONTINUED