"Go, go, go!" Kakuzu screamed, merely slowing down in front of the hospital. Deidara leapt out of the car, stumbling, but catching himself. Kakuzu zoomed off, obviously late for something important. Deidara swept his hair out of his face and walked briskly up to the hospital doors.
Deidara quickly made it to his personal doctor's office. He slipped inside just in time, and was immediately handed a pregnancy test. "Go take the pregnancy test," the doctor said.
"What, un? Jiraiya-san-"
"No buts, its regulation for any non-virgin with a uterus."
"How do you know I didn't do him?"
"Did you?"
". . .no. . ."
"Then go take it," Jiraiya finished their conversation and pushed Deidara into the bathroom joined to the small office. Deidara sighed and did as he was told.
A minute later he emerged and handed the test to Jiraiya. "A plus means 'Good job, you're not pregnant', right?" he asked. Jiraiya checked the test, did a double-take, shook the test, and stared at it some more.
"No, a plus means 'you're fucked, hermaphrodite, you're pregnant.'" Jiraiya said.
"Oh, thanks, makes me feel much better," Deidara muttered. "And I'm a guy, guys don't get pregnant." Jiraiya sighed.
"You'd better sit down, I have a few things to explain to you." He sat Deidara in the chair across from his desk and sat down at the desk. "Now, you, unlike most people, were born with both sets of sex organs-"
"Yeah, yeah I know all of that! And the orphan budget didn't cover the payment for the full sex change, so the doctor sewed up my vagina and hoped I didn't explode." Jiraiya coughed.
"Not exactly, but that's the basic idea. Out of generosity, the doctor also got rid of your hormone glands in your ovaries, so that the eggs wouldn't develop and you wouldn't get your periods. It's worked so far, hasn't it?"
"Jeez, what an ass. If I ever meet that doctor, I swear I'm gonna kill him."
"That's beside the point. And how do you know the doctor is a he?"
"Because only a guy can screw up a damn sex change that badly, un."
"Ahem. Now, then, it seems as if an egg has developed. We haven't monitored you, the budget doesn't extend that far, and apparently an egg developed and somehow made it to the uterus without any- well, I suppose there were some hormonal signals. Somehow. And somehow, it seems as if your boyfriend's sperm worked its way into your uterus." Jiraiya concluded, looking as if this settled things.
"So. . .I'm fucked?" Deidara asked.
"Basically. You've somehow gotten yourself pregnant without vaginal sex. Good job."
"Good job? I'm only seventeen!"
"So? People get knocked up at earlier ages than that, Deidara. As early as twelve-"
"I want an abortion. Like, right now. Just take the whole fucking thing out, all the shitty equipment, everything." Deidara crossed his arms. Jiraiya rubbed his head.
"Abortions aren't that easy, and neither are sex changes, Deidara."
"It wouldn't be a sex change, un! It would just be making me a normal dude."
"Deidara, first let's come to terms with this whole pregnancy thing. How the hell did you get knocked up without a vagina?" Deidara groaned and lay his head on the table.
"How am I supposed to know?" Deidara mumbled. Jiraiya sighed.
"You're dating Akasuna Sasori, right?"
"Um. . .not right now. . ." Deidara muttered, blushing.
"Oh? So who's kid is it?"
"Sasori's, un. I haven't. . .ahem. . .with anyone else. . ."
"I see. And Sasori didn't know of your. . .erm. . .special case?"
"Of course not, un! He didn't even know I don't have parents, yeah." Deidara replied.
"I see. So does this guy have like, mutant monster sperm or what?" Deidara lay his head on his arms, not saying a word. "All right, I'm sorry. When did you two break up?"
"Two weeks ago, yeah," Deidara muttered.
"I see. When was the last time you two had sex?"
"I'd say about three weeks ago," Deidara answered. Jiraiya chuckled.
"I see. Is there any other way his sperm could've entered your body?" Deidara blushed and looked away, nodding. "I see. But you're not going to tell me, are you?" Deidara shook is head. "Let me guess: blowjob?" Deidara nodded, blushing deeper. "I see. Here, why don't you go take another test?"
"Give me a huge glass of orange juice and wait fifteen minutes, then sure, un," Deidara replied. After a silence, he broke down. "God, what if I am pregnant? What the hell would I do?"
"Calm down, Deidara. Here, I'll go get you some orange juice, so just sit tight and don't freak out on me," Jiraiya said soothingly, and left. Deidara sighed, and looked down at the pregnancy test Jiraiya had left on the table. That little pink plus sign was the worst thing he'd ever seen.
Deidara stared up at his ceiling. After the second test, Jiraiya was convinced he was pregnant. The doctor had sent him home with promises to schedule an abortion, and also promised to call the second he got it arranged. 'See, it'll be difficult to get someone to do it, because of the duel-gender thing. And your lack of vagina, of course.' But until then, Deidara was to stay out of trouble. Deidara found it hard to live without getting into trouble, so he had simply gone to school, come home, and tried not to start fights with Hidan, and especially not Itachi. It had been five days, and Deidara was itching for some adventure. As if answering his prayers, his cell phone rang. "Hello?" Deidara answered.
"Hey, Dei. I just got in a fight with Kakuzu and I want to do something. Got any ideas?" Deidara glanced out the window.
"I have a few," he replied with a sly smile.
"I knew you would."
Jiraiya stared at the phone. It was just one call. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hello, how may I help you?"
"Hi, I'm calling about orphan funding. How much would be given for an abortion?"
"How old is the orphan we're talking about?"
"A seventeen year old. . .uh. . .male?"
"I'm sorry sir, but no funding can be spent on an abortion for a male orphan. Funding only goes to female orphans for abortions. Is this orphan a female?"
"Ok. . .said orphan is a hermaphrodite. How much funding would be given then?"
"Um, I don't believe our policy covers that. Let me put you on hold for a moment, while I look it up. . ." Mozart's 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' began playing. Jiraiya sighed. He wasn't paid enough for this. Well, actually, that was the problem here. "I'm sorry, I'll have to redirect your call to my supervisor. Hold on one moment. . ."
"Hello?"
"Hi, my name is Dr. Jiraiya, and I'm calling on behalf of a patient of mine. I'm just wondering how much funding would go to getting him an abortion?"
"How old is he right now and when is his birthday?"
"He's seventeen, and his birthday is in January."
"Excuse me, but did you say 'he'?"
"Yes, my patient is a clinically proven hermaphrodite."
"I see. . .well, when will the birth-"
"I'm talking about getting an abortion. How much money would cover him?"
"I'm sorry, but we don't exactly have money to cover it. The most you'll get is fifty pounds."
"That isn't near enough. That won't even cover the abortion, let alone the sex change!"
"Well, I'm sorry, but funding only covers him until he's eighteen. But, in recent years, funding stops at seventeen and a half."
"You're kidding. So if he breaks a leg, no one is going to pay?"
"Look, funding for orphans is already sketchy. We wouldn't pay for a sex change anyway, and an abortion for a seventeen- who turns eighteen in January- male-"
"He's got a uterus-"
"Would be nonexistent. I'm sorry, sir, but an abortion is out of the question. You'll just have to make do with getting him through the pregnancy."
"This is completely-"
"Ludicrous, I know, but it's not our fault."
"Right, of course. Whatever. Thank you for your time." And Jiraiya hung up rudely. This was perfect. There would probably be only one call harder than the one he had just made. The call telling Deidara he would have to stay pregnant.
"It's really nice of you to take me out like this. . ." Deidara said, looking around.
"Sempai, it's normal. It's just lunch," Tobi said, smiling. Deidara shrugged.
"No one ever bought me lunch before," he muttered.
"Well, I'll be the first." Deidara sighed and gave in, checking over the menu. They had just seen another movie, and Tobi had insisted on taking Deidara out to lunch at a restaurant. It wasn't a nice restaurant, a little outside café at most, but it was still the first time anyone had bought Deidara lunch.
"So, you don't talk much about your family," Tobi said conversationally. Deidara froze, water glass half-way to his mouth.
"Um, you're right! I don't!" Deidara gave a fake smile and wished something would change the topic. It had been the same with Sasori, whenever the red-head had bitched about his own home life, Deidara had remained completely silent about his own lack of parents. He could tell his friends easily, the only danger was Kisame hugging him to death. But for some reason, whenever he looked into Sasori's eyes, he just couldn't bring himself to tell him. Luckily, Tobi sensed Deidara's sensitivity and dropped the matter.
"You look pretty with your hair up," Tobi said, smiling. Deidara blinked. Ino had somehow found out he had a date, and insisted again on doing his hair and picking his clothes.
"Thank you," Deidara said, deciding wearing his hair up would be a must.
"You're welcome. I have a sort of weird question."
"Shoot."
"Do you know an Uchiha Sasuke?"'
"Oh, sure. The little brat with the stick up his ass? I'm friends with his older brother, Uchiha Itachi," Deidara gave a genuine smile. "What do you need to know about him?" Just as Tobi was about to answer, Deidara felt his cell phone vibrate.
"One sec," Deidara was sure to give Tobi a beautiful smile as he answered his phone. "Hello?"
"Deidara, hi, this is Jiraiya. I have some pretty weird news, so are you sitting?" Deidara blinked and glanced at Tobi.
"Not now. Please, don't do this to me now," he hissed. "Give me a minute." He placed a hand over the phone. "I'm really sorry Tobi, but I have to take this call. Sorry!"
"It's all right," Tobi gave a reassuring smile. Deidara sighed with relief and stood up, rushing off to the bathroom.
"Ok, what's this weird news?" he demanded.
"I've done some research, and as it turns out you can't get an abortion," Jiraiya said. Deidara blinked, then leaned against the wall.
"No," he whispered. "No, seriously, I need this abortion."
"I'm sorry Deidara, but what you're asking for is impossible. You'll just have to go through with this pregnancy, and-"
"No! Fuck no!" Deidara cried. "I can't! Jiraiya, I just can't! There's no way in fucking hell that-"
"Deidara, calm down. We need to think about this-"
"When hell freezes over and Sasori gets the stick out of his ass! There's just no way!"
"Deidara! Listen to me!" Deidara took calming breaths and slowly slid to the bathroom floor. "I want to see you tomorrow, right away."
"Tomorrow's Monday-"
"I know what day tomorrow is! Now just shut up and listen! Instead of going to school, just come to my office."
"No buses go by your office early enough."
"I don't care right now. I have a colleague who is more experienced in this field than I am, I'll ask her to come by. Deidara, do you understand?"
"Jiraiya, I can't do this," Deidara stuttered. "I just can't."
"So what do you expect to do instead of go through with this?" Jiraiya asked angrily.
"I- I-"
"Don't even think about it!" Jiraiya cried. "Deidara, listen to me, don't kill yourself!" Deidara took deep, shuddering breaths.
"Jiraiya, this is ludicrous. Why can't I get an abortion?"
"Medical reasons. There's some complications."
"Look, I'm seventeen, I can't have a baby. What am I going to do with the baby, anyway?"
"You could give it up for adoption, or-"
"Oh, yeah, like that ever works," Deidara grumbled.
"You could be, like, a surrogate mother and get a couple to promise to adopt your kid once it's born."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. Now, where are you?"
"In the bathroom of some café. I was on a date with Tobi, until you ruined my life."
"Right. Who's this Tobi?"
"Tobi? We're going out. . ."
"You sound hesitant."
"Well, I'm pregnant, so we're probably going to cut it off at some point. Whatever. So tomorrow?"
"Yeah. See you then?"
"I suppose. . ."
"Right. See you!" And Jiraiya hung up. Deidara leaned his head back on the wall and took deep, calming breaths. Shakily, he stood up, took a glance in the mirror, and left.
"Are you all right, Deidara?" Tobi asked worriedly. Deidara nodded, sitting down.
"Yeah, un. I'm fine." he muttered. Tobi got the hint not to ask further, but the worry showed on his face for the rest of their date.
A/N: I forgot a warning: OOCNESS!! And what Deidara decides to do with the baby is NOT what you SHOULD do! So don't try this at home, kiddies! And review please, four reviews and I post the next chapter!