Deidara practically hit the ground rolling ad Kakuzu zoomed off. Brushing himself off, he quickly made it to Jiraiya's office without further incident. There, he found himself in the presence of Jiraiya, and three women. One was blond and looked to be the oldest, the second was younger with brown hair and an inviting smile. The third was extremely young and had pink hair and a cute grin plastered on her face. Deidara blinked confusedly. "Wrong room?" he asked.
"Deidara, this is Tsunade, a comrade of mine." The blond woman nodded.
"And this is my assistant, Shizune," Tsunade indicated the brown haired woman. "And this is Sakura, she's still in training." The pink haired girl grinned wider.
"Hi!" she said, reaching out a hand. Deidara tentatively shook it.
"So what the hell are they doing here?" Deidara asked.
"I said I would call in a colleague of mine, and I did. Did you think I'd be handling the first pregnant male on my own, did you?" Deidara sighed.
"Sure, un. So they're here to. . .help?"
"Basically." Deidara turned to Tsunade.
"So I can't get an abortion?" he demanded. Tsunade sighed.
"No, you can't get an abortion. Haven't we been over this?"
"Just checking to make sure a doctor who doesn't have shit for brains thinks the same thing."
"Deidara!" Jiraiya cried, but Sakura giggled.
"Nice one, Dei-kun," she giggled. Deidara raised an eyebrow at the nickname, but said nothing. Not like that name belonged to anyone.
"So what the hell are we going to do?" he asked.
"Here, sit down," Shizune directed him to a seat. Tsunade cleared her throat.
"I've looked over the information, and the only solution I could see was recreating your female organs and go through this like a normal, female pregnancy. But Jiraiya-" she sent the other doctor a glare "-disagrees. Why don't you tell him your unethical but cheaper idea, Jiraiya?" Jiraiya coughed awkwardly as Deidara gave him a glare that could melt bricks.
"You know what? I like your idea, Tsunade. Just one minor surgery, and presto!" Jiraiya looked around, laughing awkwardly.
"Slap him for me, will you?" Deidara asked Tsunade. Luckily, Sakura and Tsunade both slapped Jiraiya upside the head.
"Right. Now, Deidara, you're a teenage gay guy, you've probably never even thought about pregnancy at all," Shizune said, turning to Deidara as Sakura and Tsunade continued their fight with Jiraiya. "I'll tell you about the basics, just to give you an overview. You'll have insane mood swings, strange, random cravings, and you'll get fat."
"Oh, why must God hate women so much?" Deidara groaned.
"It's not God, simply genetics. Now, you'll have to keep yourself healthy and start eating more. I'll make a list of foods you have to stear clear of, and I'll also add things to eat more of. Let's see. . .any questions?" Deidara was looking slightly overwhelmed.
"Um. . ."
"Here, I'll write down all the rules of pregnancy!" Tsunade cried. "Sakura, I'll dictate, you write."
"Yes ma'am!" Sakura saluted and got out a piece of paper and a pen.
"Right. No sushi, raw meat, deli meat, hot dogs, cheese, seafood, and liver. That sound good? Right. Also; no smoking, drinking, or fighting."
"No fighting?" Deidara cried, suddenly snapping into attention.
"That's right. You'd hate to harm the baby, right? So keep away from fights," Tsunade instructed.
"How am I supposed to blow off steam, yeah?" Tsunade shrugged.
"Write poetry? That's not exactly a problem. How many fights do you tend to get into?"
"At least once a day, un," Deidara mumbled.
"Well stop it. Now, remember, moderation is good. So eat a variety of things, like grains, milk products, protein, fruits, and vegetables."
"Where am I going to get those, un?" Deidara asked. Tsunade sighed.
"Ever hear of a grocery store?" she asked sarcastically.
"Whatever. So I gorge myself on all these healthy foods, give up drinking-" Deidara stopped and looked around quickly. "-not that I ever did that-, give up all sources of fun, get fat, get moody, eat gross things, and pop out a baby?"
"Wow, I never thought I could hear pregnancy summarized so well." Jiraiya said. "That's about-"
"That's not all at all!" Tsunade whapped Jiraiya upside the head with the back of her hand and turned back to Deidara. "Right. Any questions?" Deidara was looking still quite overwhelmed, and the first thing that came to mind he blurted out.
"Do I have to tell Sasori?" he instantly regretted asking it, he regretted bringing it up even.
"Sasori?" Sakura asked.
"Uh. . .yeah. . .the father?" Deidara felt his face flush.
"If he goes to your school he'll probably find out anyway," Tsunade said slowly.
"You don't mean Akasuna Sasori, do you?" she asked, leaning closer. Deidara felt his face heat up further.
"Uh. . .yeah?"
"Oh my God! He asked me out, like, a year ago! He's so creepy!"
"Sakura. . ." Tsunade warned. Sakura blinked, then realized the look in Deidara's eyes.
"Oops, sorry," she said. "I'm sure he's-"
"We broke up a few weeks ago, un," Deidara said softly.
"Jeez, you have to tell him that you're bearing his baby? I feel for you." Sakura gave Deidara a quick hug. Deidara was used to getting overly sympathetic people hugging him, and felt no awkwardness to this girl whom he'd only just been introduced to hugging him.
"Sakura! Get off Deidara!" Shizune cried. Sakura dropped her arms to her sides. "All right. We'll schedule an ultra-sound for six months from now. We might need to schedule some others, just to check up. And that surgery to reopen your vaginal canal-" Shizune turned to Tsunade. "When do you think we should schedule that?"
"Um, how about next week. I'll be able to get him in on Friday. Does that work for you?" She looked to Deidara.
"Sure, un. I'll just skip school and come here?"
"Right. And you'll be able to rest up over the weekend." Tsunade laid a hand on Deidara's shoulder. "Are you all right?" Deidara looked up into the kind face of the older woman.
"Yeah," he said, giving Tsunade a shaky smile. Suddenly he stood, bowing to Tsunade. "I'll be here at eight thirty, instead of going to school?"
"Shizune? Am I free?" Tsunade asked.
"Yes, Tsunade. You always tell me to keep your Fridays free," Shizune replied.
"Good. You got all of this, Deidara?" Tsunade turned to Deidara. Deidara nodded. "Right. I'll see you at eight-thirty?"
"Yeah- wait! I can't- oh never mind. I'll find a way to get here. Anything else?"
"Don't forget your list of things not to do during pregnancy!" Sakura waved the sheet around.
"And I'll write you a note to get you out of gym class," Tsunade offered, taking a piece of paper and beginning to write.
"Wait-" Deidara yelped. "Don't tell him I'm pregnant." Tsunade looked up.
"And what do you propose I tell him?" she asked.
"Just something else, like I've got a bad cold or I've been recently decapitated-"
"Deidara, just give him this note and you'll get out. Ok. . .you're going back to school, right?" Deidara nodded slowly. "Right. Sakura, drive him to school."
"Will do!" Sakura saluted and Tsunade threw her a set of keys. Deidara sulked out of the room. He had planned to just cut the rest of the day, and Tsunade must've seen that for the way she trapped him.
Sakura was more than chatty on the way to his school. She mostly just filled the air with easy, friendly topics that Deidara had little reaction to, but finally she managed to get through to him with something they had in common.
"So, how long did you and Sasori go out?" she asked conversationally. Deidara stared at her, then regained himself.
"I dunno, around a year?" he replied. He hadn't really kept track of when he asked Sasori out.
"Really?"
"And how do you know Sasori?" Deidara asked, trying to make conversation.
"Oh, his grandmother used to work at the hospital, and he used to come around a lot. He always seemed like a cold person, but maybe he was just shy?" She glanced over at Deidara, and Deidara understood she was trying to be nice.
"Nah, cold, heartless bastard till the end," Deidara said.
"I see. So. . ."
"If you're a gossip central and just want to know the grimy details, all you have to do is ask, un," Deidara stated. Sakura gasped.
"You cut to the chase," she noted.
"Sasori said the same thing. . ." Deidara smirked at the blush that covered her cheeks. There was something about making straight girls blush that would never get old. Of course, getting non-straight girls to blush wasn't all that easy, and not nearly as satisfying.
"What did you see in him? I mean, you two broke up and all. . . What for?" Deidara shrugged.
"I don't exactly know. He just called it all off. But I was fine with. . .not breaking up. . ." Deidara trailed off.
"I see. Are you interested in anyone else? I could set you up-"
"You're just as bad as Ino. Yes, I'm interested in someone, but it'll have to end."
"Why?"
"Because I'm pregnant. What sort of self-respecting male would want to date a pregnant male? And it's just plain wrong." Sakura looked sympathetically over at him.
"You don't have to give up everything while being pregnant, you know," she said.
"But he'll be too nice to break it off. I know he'll want to, it's just wrong to date while pregnant-"
"You seem to have a lot of views on pregnancy for a gay guy," Sakura cut in. "Do you like him?"
"Duh, un. That's why I want to call it off," Deidara stated matter-of-factly.
"You're not making any sense. Who is this guy, anyway?"
"A guy at my school, un. He's in my grade."
"If you had to describe him in only three words, which three would those be?"
"Um. . .nice. . .is not demanding two words or one?"
"I'll count it as one."
"Ok, nice, not demanding, and. . .sweet." Sakura smiled to herself. Deidara was cute when he was being honest.
"Sounds like a guy who won't really care. You tell him, and see what he says. I'd take a bet he wouldn't care. Or else he'll want to help you. Don't worry about it, it doesn't sound like he will."
"Sasori, can we talk?" Deidara asked. He had ended up skipping out on the rest of Monday, and now it was Tuesday morning. All Monday night he had told himself he would tell Sasori this morning, and he wasn't about to back down. But Tobi was a different story.
Sasori stopped, sighed, and turned around to face Deidara. "I suppose," he sighed, sounding as if it were a great trial.
"In private, if you don't mind," Deidara said, grinding his teeth to keep from punching Sasori. What the hell had he ever seen in him? Sasori found this slight wish the most grievous request ever made of him.
"Fine, Deidara, have it your way," he consented, giving Deidara the impression of a slug as they made their way to the nearest boys' bathroom. Deidara didn't bother checking under the stalls, no one in their right mind used the school bathrooms this early in the morning. "What's so important we have to talk in private for?" Sasori asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Deidara took a deep breath and looked at the tiled floor.
"You're going to freak out," he mumbled.
"So? Just get this over with, I have other things I need to do." Sasori stuck his nose in the air, as if Deidara didn't smell right.
"Ok. . .I'm pregnant. . ." Deidara waited a long, painful moment before peeking up at Sasori.
"How?" Sasori asked emotionlessly.
"I- I'm a h-hermaphrodite, actually. . .it's sort of complicated. . .but you're the father, and-"
"If you expect me to take care of this. . .thing. . .then don't even bother asking. The answer is no. I'll give you the money for the abortion." Deidara took a long, shaking breath. Not like he expected Sasori to care.
"I- I can't get an abortion," he whispered. "There's complications, and- I can't have an abortion."
"So what do you expect from me?" Sasori demanded. "Do you expect me to pay child care? I don't have to, I'm still a minor-"
"I'm not looking for money, Sasori."
"Then why bother telling me?" Sasori rolled his eyes. "You're as naïve as ever. You don't know how lucky-"
"Shut the fuck up, Sasori!" Deidara screeched. He almost flattened Sasori then and there. "You're the lucky one, you have your grandmother to take care of you! She cares enough to tell you to keep away from me. But who do I have? I'm an orphan! No one cares about me!" Sasori stayed silent for a long moment. "And you want to know what else? I'm not going to get any money from anyone for this baby that I'm forced to give birth to."
"I'll give you mon-"
"I'd be a sick person to accept your money. I don't want it." Deidara spat at Sasori's feet. "That's what you can do with your damn money." Sasori looked livid.
"You're such an ungrateful whore," he hissed and whisked out of the bathroom. Deidara stood silent for a moment, then took a choking, sobbing breath and leaned against the wall. And to his intense horror, a stall door slowly slid open and he nearly had a heart attack.
"T-Tobi?" he breathed. Tobi blinked and nodded, slowly taking a step forward. Deidara gulped thickly and looked at the ground, his face heating up. "You heard?"
"Every word." Tobi took another step forward, and another, until he was looming over Deidara. "Deidara-"
"I know, I- I was planning on telling you, really. I- I'm sorry, I know you probably hate me now-" Deidara turned to leave, but Tobi caught his shoulder, gently spinning the blond so they were facing.
"I don't hate you," he said with confusion in his voice. He reached out to cup Deidara's cheek. "Deidara, I had no idea-" he stopped himself. "So you're pregnant?" Deidara nodded wordlessly. "And you can't get an abortion?" Deidara nodded again. "And you don't have anyone to take care of you?" Deidara nodded again. Tobi gave him a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you!" Deidara blinked at Tobi.
"What do you mean, un?" he asked suspiciously.
"Whatever you want it to mean. I have a job, and I've saved up a bit of money. I can help pay, or-" Tobi rubbed his thumb over Deidara's jaw bone. "-I can help emotionally."
"You won't-"
"I have no intention of leaving you, Deidara. You need someone to help you, and I'll be that someone." Taking a deep breath, Tobi leaned forward and clashed their lips together. Surprised, Deidara's mouth dropped open and Tobi dipped his tongue in. Catching himself, Deidara wrapped his arms around Tobi's neck and tilted his head, sucking expertly. When they parted with a pop, a string of saliva connected their mouths. Deidara gave a shaky smile and pressed his face into Tobi's chest.
"Thank you. . ." he mumbled.
"No problem," Tobi replied, letting his hands rest on the small of Deidara's back.
A/N: You guys suck. I'm posting this without the correct amount of reviews to say this: GIVE ME FOUR REVIEWS, DAMNIT! All I ask is to review, so I know you're reading, so I can know if you've fucking read it or not! Jeez.