Kakashi leaned against the doorway, watching Iruka wash the dishes. He sighed. "Ruru-chan?" he asked.
"What?" Iruka snapped, not even turning around to face Kakashi or putting down the dish he was washing.
"Are you angry?" Kakashi slunk into the kitchen.
"Oh, no, I'm not angry," Iruka drawled sarcastically, washing the dish with more venom.
"Is it something I did?" Kakashi asked innocently.
"You have got to be kidding!" Iruka snarled, whirling around to face his husband. "Something you did? Of course! The only times I've been angry over the past three years is because of something you did!" Kakashi's face fell at the angry mask Iruka's had become.
"Oh?"
"Yes! Your dog eats my passport, because you left it loose! I'm late for work because you can't find your shoes! I should have known this wouldn't end well when you were late to your own wedding!" Kakashi winced. That one stung.
"I'm sorry, Iruka," Kakashi sighed, bowing his head like a scolded child. "But I don't know what I did."
"When we got married, you said you wouldn't mind having a kid," Iruka said.
"I know. . ."
"And I was so happy when Deidara called! I thought I'd finally get my wish, but-" Iruka sighed. "But you don't want to adopt from a student of yours. It would be too weird."
"Iruka, I-"
"No, you just weren't thinking. Or maybe you didn't know, or- oh! Maybe you thought it wouldn't make me angry! Well you know what Kakashi? It did." Iruka turned back around and began washing the dish again. Kakashi wrapped his arms around Iruka's waist, pressing his chest to the smaller man's back.
"I'm sorry. . ." he whispered in Iruka's ear. Iruka elbowed him harshly in the ribs, forcing Kakashi back.
"Sorry ain't going to cut it, Kakashi," Iruka growled, turning back around. "Don't you get it? There's a baby out there, that's going to be born that needs someone. Do you think Deidara can raise a kid?"
"Someone else is bound to want it," Kakashi reasoned. Iruka shook his head.
"I talked to Deidara. He said we were his last hope. If we don't take this kid, then he's going to have to keep it himself," Iruka sighed. "But we can't, now can we?"
"Oh come on, that's just silly," Kakashi said. "Someone is desperate enough to adopt it."
"He's talked to about twenty-five interested families. They've all hung up on him or slammed the door in his face." Kakashi stayed silent, trying to think of another reason not to take Deidara's kid. It wasn't as if he disliked Deidara all that much, he truly did have a distaste for Hidan. But it would just be so weird, knowing who the parents were, and having overseen the parents' education. And they couldn't, anyway, because they were married.
"So. . .we're really his last chance, huh?" he said softly. Iruka nodded. "Jeez, this is insane. Iruka, believe me, I would seriously adopt this child. But-" Kakashi sighed. "But it's not possible."
"I know," Iruka sighed. "But the least we can do is help. Don't we owe it to him for having to turn him down?"
"I know. Think of that poor child, being raised by Deidara."
"Kakashi! Is your image of him always going to be diluted by what he's done in the past? Can't you see he's sacrificing himself to keep his baby from an orphanage? And he doesn't expect anything. He's refused financial aid from people who just wanted to buy him off, and now he's going to work his hardest to support a kid he didn't ask for. Would you suddenly sacrifice what little you ever had for something you never even expected?" Kakashi still wouldn't look up at Iruka, looking very scolded. "And will you just fucking grow up? Maybe it's best if we just don't get kids, because then I'd have to take care of two of them," Iruka turned back around, washing the dishes with gusto. Kakashi sighed.
"You're right. I'm being stupid," he sighed quietly. "And I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. So many more people here need support. . ." Kakashi coughed. "So what are we going to do?"
"We're going to help Deidara-san any way we can. And you'd better not throw any more bitch fits," Iruka said.
"Right. Got it."
"So what do you want to do today?" Tobi asked. Naruto had gotten a ride home with Itachi and Sasuke, so Deidara and Tobi had decided to do something together.
"Hmm. . .we can just hang out at my place, un. . ." Deidara said slowly.
"Sure. Can you give me directions?"
"Yeah. Turn right here, un."
"Ok." Tobi turned right, trying not to think about the dilapidated state the buildings were in. As they continued, the buildings just looked worse and worse. Finally, Deidara leaned over and pointed at a three story building.
"There, that one, un," he said. Tobi blinked, but didn't comment on the poor quality of the building. "I think you can park in the back so no one breaks the windows, yeah."
"Ah. . ." Tobi drove around the back of the house, parking next to an amazingly broken down car. They got out and Deidara lead Tobi over to the back door of the large building. They found themselves in a small kitchen. A few children about eight or nine were milling around aimlessly.
"Deidara-sempai!" one of them squealed, leaping up from the floor and running to hug the older blond. Deidara sighed.
"Shouldn't you be doing your homework or something, un?" he asked.
"Is Deidara-sempai pregnant?" the child asked. Deidara sighed again.
"Yes, haven't we been through this, yeah?" he replied, attempting to dislodge the child from around his waist.
"Just checking. Ibiki-san said teenagers make their babies die." Deidara sighed.
"That's long and complicated, un. Ibiki-san is a-" he caught himself. "Ibiki-san has never been pregnant, has he?" the child shook her head. "So how would he know?"
"He said also having babies is for women," the child continued. Deidara sighed, glancing at Tobi.
"Sorry about this, yeah. Anko has a very short memory, hmm," Deidara said, glancing pointedly down at the kid.
"But Ibiki-san said babies are for women to bear!" Anko insisted.
"I am a woman, all right?"
"But you don't-"
"I'm also a man, got it? I thought I explained this to you, un."
"But I'm still confused!" Anko cried. Deidara sighed.
"Anko-chan, please just let go of me, yeah. Don't you have homework, yeah?"
"It's Friday!"
"Right. So let go of me and go socialize with everyone else, yeah. I have a guest, un." Anko let go of Deidara and ran over to Tobi.
"Hi! I'm Anko!" she cried.
"Hi Anko, I'm Tobi," Tobi said, patting her on the head.
"Are you and Deidara going to go make babies?" she asked.
"Anko!" Deidara cried. "Where are you getting all of this, yeah?" Anko looked down guiltily.
"Some older boys were saying that when two people love each other they got and make babies." Deidara sighed.
"No, Anko, don't listen to them, un. You'll understand in a few years, yeah." Deidara glanced at Tobi.
"Aw, but Deidara-sempai!" she whined.
"Ask Ibiki-san, un. I'm sure he'll tell you all you want to know," Deidara said, smiling slightly.
"But Ibiki-san isn't here!"
"I know, un. But he'll be here to make us dinner, so you can ask him after dinner, yeah." Deidara looked around the room. "Why don't you go over and talk to Hinata-chan, un? She looks lonely." Anko made a face and motioned for Deidara to bend down. Deidara did so. She stood on her toes and whispered in his ear.
"She's too shy. She won't talk."
"Maybe you can find something she wants to talk about, un. And no, dango probably isn't something she wants to talk about, un. Maybe find something you two have in common, yeah?" Anko sighed, as if Deidara had suddenly grown up and gotten behind on the times.
"All right," she Ibikid slowly. Deidara smiled and patted her head.
"I'm going to go up to my room with Tobi, so don't come in without knocking, hmm."
"All right. You and Tobi have fun!" Anko gave Deidara a quick hug before skipping over to a shy little girl sitting at the table. Deidara watched her for a moment then, with a satisfied smile, he turned back to Tobi.
"Come on, un. I'll show you my room, yeah." Deidara turned and walked out of the kitchen, Tobi following him. They came to a rickety staircase, that looked like something out of a building code inspector's nightmare. Deidara, without any hesitation, started up them. Tobi followed, testing each step carefully. They finally reached the second story, and Deidara turned around, quickly climbing up the next set of stairs. Tobi followed him. Finally, they reached the third story. Deidara led Tobi over to one of the plain doors with peeling paint. "I have to apologize; I haven't cleaned up very much so there's not a lot of room, un," Deidara sighed as he opened the door. Tobi was shocked. The room was about as big as some people's walk in closets. It was completely dominated by a bed and small dresser. Though, it looked as if the dresser wasn't employed; clothes were strewn everywhere. The walls were covered in posters of birds and explosions, all except a piece of paper taped to the ceiling. Deidara walked in, kicking a pair of jeans out of his way. "You can have a seat on the bed, I guess, un," Deidara said with a shrug. Tobi picked his way over all the clothes and sat down on the bed.
"Is. . .um, that is, how long has that crack been in the ceiling?" he asked.
"Crack? Oh, yeah, that, un. Uh, since I got this room, yeah. It doesn't bother me much, yeah, but I just have to duct tape it up in the winter, un."
"Duct tape?"
"Well, yeah, cause the snow leaks through, un," Deidara replied.
"Who was that Ibiki person you were talking about?" Tobi asked. Deidara smiled.
"He's supposed to take care of us, un. So far he makes breakfast and dinner, yeah. At least, for the littler kids, yeah. He says once you're twelve, you have to learn survival skills, un." Deidara shrugged. "He's very blunt, un."
"Ah. . ." Tobi was still looking around.
"Why're you so quiet, un?" Deidara asked.
"I'm just thinking. You handled Anko pretty well."
"What? She was just asking questions, un."
"You're pretty good at handling little kids, though," Tobi persisted.
"Well, when I was younger, all the older orphans just beat up on me, yeah. Might as well not follow their example, right?"
"They beat you up?" Tobi asked, shocked. Deidara shrugged.
"Where do you think I learned to fight, yeah? Doesn't matter, though." Deidara sighed, eyes almost closing before they shot open, his face twitching in shock.
"What's wrong?" Tobi asked. Deidara was staring at his pregnant belly.
"It- my baby- moved. . ." Deidara trailed off, a sort of enraptured expression on his face. Tobi looked at Deidara's stomach as well. Deidara looked up and grabbed Tobi's hand, placing it smoothly on his swollen gut. Tobi was a bit surprised, but then he felt a soft pushing against his palm.
"Wow. . ." Tobi breathed. Deidara didn't say anything, his hand silently sliding off Tobi's. Tobi glanced up in shock. Deidara was looking down, small tears sliding down his cheeks. "Deidara, what's wrong?" Tobi asked worriedly, hand leaping up to wipe away the tears. But more just kept leaking out of Deidara's gorgeous blue eyes.
"I- it's the hormones-" Deidara whispered choppily. Taking a shuddering breath, he calmed himself. "What am I doing to this kid, un? I just- I want it to be happy, yeah. It can't be happy if it has to be stuck with me, un."
"What makes you say that, Deidara?" Tobi asked softly. "Are you unhappy, Deidara?" Deidara shook his head.
"No, I couldn't possibly ask for more, yeah." He looked into Tobi's eyes, and Tobi saw complete sincerity. "But, just by being me, everyone hates me and the baby, yeah. Who's fault is that, un?"
"Theirs. Deidara, you have to stop laying the blame on yourself. You had no idea you could get pregnant, and neither did the doctors. You can't help it that you're left with the baby, and what you're doing is a million times more mature than what anyone else in your position would do." More tears flowed from Deidara's eyes, and small sobs shook his shoulders. Tobi reached out, pulling Deidara against his chest, petting his hair and humming softly, as if calming a child. Finally, Deidara's eyes dried, and he sat back.
"I'm sorry, un," he said softly.
"It's all right, Deidara," Tobi replied reassuringly. "You're under a lot of stress. You needed just a good cry."
"You know so much about me it's scary, yeah," Deidara said jokingly, wiping his eyes. "So I guess I'm going to raise a kid, huh?" Tobi leaned forward, kissing his forehead.
"No, we're going to raise a kid," he whispered. Fresh tears flowed from Deidara's eyes.
Tobi met Zetsu by the back fence as usual. And again, as usual, he fed him. "You take such good care of me," Zetsu said, grinning toothily. Seemed like today would be a good, talkative day for Zetsu. You could never tell with the schizophrenic. "You know Sanin Orochimaru?"
"Orochimaru? Um. . .I think. . ."
"He's going with Akasuna Sasori."
"What?" Tobi leapt to his feet.
"What's so surprising about it?" Zetsu asked.
"It's. . .Sasori! I mean, he could care less about anything! Why is he going with the gay slut of the whole school?"
"Deidara wasn't the gay slut of the school?"
"Hey!"
"I'm only repeating what everyone in the school seems to think. Orochimaru wasn't getting enough attention since Deidara became pregnant, so he decided to do something to win back his title," Zetsu explained.
"I wonder if Deidara knows. . ." Tobi mused.
"Does it matter? Sit back down." Tobi looked around. This wasn't such a big deal. . .was it? "And Orochimaru has expressed an interest in Deidara." Ok, now that was a big deal.
"Are you sure?" Tobi asked. Zetsu nodded.
"Though, of course, Sasori doesn't know," he replied. "Now sit down."
"We have to go warn Deidara!" Tobi cried.
"We? I'm staying here."
"Come on, Zetsu, I'm going to leave you if you don't come," Tobi crossed his arms over his chest. "What's wrong, anyway?"
"Deidara-san and his company aren't exactly people I would like to associate with. . ." Zetsu coughed.
"Zetsu, are you scared?" Tobi asked.
"No. . . what's there to be scared of?"
"Deidara's friends are pretty scary. . ." Tobi said. Zetsu sighed.
"I am not scared."
"Come on then!" Tobi grabbed Zetsu and dragged him to his feet.
"Damn it! Hidan, I am not a shield, yeah! By the time this baby comes out, it's going to be completely fucked up by you guys, un!" Deidara cried.
"But Itachi's scary!" Hidan whined. Deidara sighed.
"Maybe he wouldn't be so scary if you didn't try to get him to believe in Satan all the time, yeah," Deidara said, rolling his eyes. "Let go of me, un! Itachi's not going to kill you!"
"Who said that?" Itachi growled.
"Jeez, Hidan, you really got him pissed, didn't you, yeah?" Deidara said. "I have half a mind to let him get you, un."
"What's the other half thinking?" Hidan asked.
"The other half wants me to beat the crap out of you myself, hmm."
"Please don't," Hidan begged.
"He's yours, Itachi," Deidara said, stepping back. Just as Itachi jumped at Hidan, and suddenly they were both rolling and punching on the ground. Finally, Hidan ended up on top. It looked like the fight was going poorly for Itachi, until Kisame stood up and grabbed the scruff of Hidan's shirt, pulling him off Itachi.
"That's enough," he growled. A bit of blood was trailing from Itachi's nose, and Hidan was beginning to bruise over both eyes, but so far neither of them was particularly hurt. The fight only went too far with a broken bone or two. Itachi, now standing, was giving Kisame a quizzical glance.
"Do you think I can't handle myself?" he asked sharply.
"No! Um. . ." Kisame glanced around. Deidara looked about to say something, when Tobi came up with a protesting Zetsu.
"Oh, hi Tobi," Deidara said. "What brings you here, un?" Zetsu was trying to get his arm free of Tobi's hold, looking like a trapped animal. "And what's with your schizo?"
"Schizophrenics? I love schizophrenics!" Hidan perked up. Deidara rolled his eyes.
"I think people with OCD are much more fun, yeah," he argued.
"Um. . ." Tobi piped up. Deidara looked back at him.
"Oh, yeah, hi," he said.
"Um. . .have you heard about Orochimaru?" Hidan and Itachi looked up, for neither had been listening, and stared at Tobi.
"What about that sicko?" Hidan snapped. Itachi said nothing.
"He's going out with Sasori now, and. . ." Tobi gulped. "And he said he expressed interest in Deidara." Deidara snorted.
"Wow, honestly, yeah. Next thing he'll want Hidan too, yeah," Deidara said unworriedly. "And he's not going to try anything while I'm pregnant, right?"
"Nah, I bet he'll rape you, self induce your labor, and rape your baby, too," Hidan said. Tobi blinked, face paling.
"Oh come on, Hidan, don't be so sour, un," Deidara said, glancing at Itachi. Kisame had it covered, a tentative arm around the Uchiha's shoulders. Hidan turned to Tobi, and Zetsu gave a little squeak before diving behind Tobi.
"So? Got any other information?" he demanded. Tobi shook his head. Hidan turned his back on him, looking at Deidara. "What are we going to do?"
"I dunno," Deidara shrugged. "Sasori's going to get his ass kicked, yeah. But who really cares, un?"
"But-" Hidan sighed. "You know he's using Sasori, right?"
"Well duh, no one in their right mind would date him, right, un?" Deidara sighed. "But if Orochimaru hasn't done anything, I don't see any use in worrying over it, yeah." Deidara was now looking curiously at Zetsu. "So. . .what's with him, un? Does he not like pregnant people, yeah?" Zetsu said nothing. Tobi looked around, trying to find some excuse for Zetsu's behavior.
"He's shy," he said as way of explanation.
"Am not," Zetsu muttered. Hidan seemed less interested in Zetsu than in his boyfriend's ex-boyfriend.
"But what if he attacks you?" he tried. Deidara rolled his eyes.
"Don't be stupid, Hidan. When is he going to attack me, un?"
"When no one is around. Oh come on, Dei, like it hasn't happened before," Hidan sighed.
"Oh, yeah, like no one was around, un. Lee-san happened to save my ass, yeah," Deidara replied. "Now that I'm not missing the bus anymore, and if I did I'd get a ride home with Tobi, I'm not alone after school, yeah. And besides, I can defend myself, when the odds aren't stacked against me, un."
"Like he would attack you alone," Hidan said.
"Mmm? Oh, right. . .well damn." Deidara leaned back, still unconcerned. Itachi leapt up and ran off suddenly, and without a sound. Kisame was gaping like a fish, and even Konan seemed a bit surprised.
"Way to go, Dei," she muttered.
"What did I do, yeah?" Deidara asked defensively. Konan stood up, turning her back on Deidara in favor of her twin brother.
"Go find him," she said softly. Kisame got up.
"Right," he said, leaping into action and tearing off after Itachi. Konan then turned to Deidara.
"Don't take Itachi's rapist so lightly, Deidara," she said seriously. "I can't count the times Itachi's beat the tar out of you on one hand, or even both. And now you're disregarding an outright threat from a person who was able to overpower him." Deidara looked down.
"Sorry, Konan," he said guiltily. Konan sighed.
"It's not me you have to be sorry for, it's Itachi. You had better give him an apology once he gets back."
A/N: Hey all, you said you liked long chapters, so you get what you asked for! And yes, I only did this to get some KisaIta action, and this entire plot device with Orochimaru is for THEM, so you all better LOVE me for taking ANOTHER detour! Jesus, the baby was supposed to be born like, three chapters ago! Ahem. Review please!