I don't know how I am supposed to keep calling this a journal. I looked up journal's definition today. It says "a record of experiences, ideas, or reflections kept regularly for private use". Private use. As in for my eyes only. As in for me. But it's not for me. I'm not writing a journal for myself. That might be valuable. No, this is like everything else in my life right now, exposed for lots of other people to see.
I never have time to myself. I never have space to myself. Wherever I go or whatever I do, there's a camera, a microphone and heaven only knows what else. I have a homing device in my watch, which I am told to wear at all times. I didn't wear it one time and I got chewed out for 40 solid minutes. Granted, I should have had it, but doesn't anybody understand that I need some space and privacy?
It's not that I have anything to hide. It's not like I want to go off and do evil things or torture puppies. I just want to have time to relax and be by myself. Or be with my family and friends without wondering who's watching and what they're thinking of what I'm doing or saying.
And, now, it's not enough that my every move and every word is recorded. No. Now, you guys in the government are trying to capture my thoughts, too. It's too much. I need some space, some time, to myself. A place for my own thoughts. A time to fully relax and decompress. It's not about missing missions – it's about letting me be myself, at least occasionally between missions.
It's not like I asked for any of this. I'm not Casey who joined up for the greater good. I didn't decide, one day, that I was going to be an agent and give up myself for the greater good. It was thrust upon me. I'd like to think I'm a good guy and have done my share in helping make the world a better place. But it's not fair to ask me – no, force me – to lose myself in the process.
Heck, even most agents have more time and freedom than I do. Sure, their lives are in constant flux and they may have to leave at any time for some new assignment. Their lives are in danger all the time. But, the same things are true for me. I have all the same dangers, all the same liabilities and questions. At least agents can be by themselves, get a night off, spend time not watched. They can even go someplace and not be followed or tracked every second of every day of every week of every month of every year. It really wears on me.
I just want some time away. It's like being in jail, only worse. Or better, because I do get to spend time with Morgan and Ellie.