I decided today, in a moment of extreme boredom, that I might as well write in here what I'm thinking and feeling. Heck, I might get some free professional counseling. And if I keep just writing mindless drivel, that might indicate emotional immaturity or something. It seems like I'm damned whatever I do. So I might as well just write what I'm thinking, because it will go faster that way.
I guess part of the reason the government wants me to do this is that they're worried about this whole mess with Jill. I can't say I blame them. I still don't know how I should feel about it. I mean, I know she's Fulcrum and she used me. But sometimes I wonder if she's as trapped as I am. Did she ask to be Fulcrum? I certainly didn't ask to be who I am. And I find myself doing things I never thought I would do.
At the same time, she almost did the unforgivable. She probably would have killed me, too. Whether or not she started out on the right foot, she lost herself on the way – or the person I thought I knew at Stanford. I better never get myself to the point where I've lost myself that much.
At least she's safely behind bars now. Safer for me anyway. I just don't understand why she continues to affect me the way she does. Even after I found out she was Fulcrum, I wanted to believe that she cared for me. Was it a relationship thing? Or was it me just hoping that a spy could maintain some of her own life? That even a Fulcrum agent wouldn't have to be completely consumed by what she does?
I just don't know. I do know that I'm glad she's gone. And that chapter in my life feels more closed and complete than it ever did before. I spent over five years trying to get over Jill the first time. And I'm not sure I ever really succeeded. This time, though, I feel completely over her. I broke up with her, for reasons I understand. And I have no intention of looking back.
Though, as I am looking back, I remember Lou. She was a better fit for me than Jill was. But that time, my being a spy got in the way. Can a spy have a normal relationship? Can I? Then again, what is normal? I used to think I knew. But now, I just don't know.
I know that this doesn't feel normal. I guess it's not supposed to. But, in some ways, it feels right. I suppose anything can feel normal if you do it long enough. That probably was Jill's problem. Did she ever think about whether her changing normal was good or right? Do I?
I guess maybe that's the point of this. To make me ask those kinds of questions. Man, I really hate it when the CIA/NSA people are right.