Oh, my entire body aches. I hate being sick. I know it's just a fever and chills and such, but it really made for a miserable day.
Part of it is that I can't believe what I did in my journal yesterday. All day, I've just been in bed, with not much to do but think about what I wrote. And wonder what it might mean for me. And for Sarah. In a way, it feels really good, because I no longer have to try to keep secrets. I've never been too good at doing that. But I dread what the reaction is going to be. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. And it's probably stuff most shrinks have heard before. I still don't feel like it's anybody's business. Even though I want to talk about it.
At least I know I'm going to be OK physically. One of the benefits of living with two doctors is that you get great free medical advice. Ellie turned on her doctor mode and made sure it was nothing serious. I don't know how she can do that. Her demeanor changes. She is still Ellie. But somehow, she's different. She's not shy about anything and turns clinical. It's a rather full transformation.
Is that how it is for Sarah? Does she turn into an agent like Ellie does into a doctor? Or did she turn into an agent and can't turn it off, like Ellie can? I mean, after she declared me fundamentally healthy, Ellie turned back into my sister and gave me a hug and asked if I needed her to stay home and take care of me. For her, it's like a switch – doctor off, sister on. Even though she's always still Ellie. Has Sarah lost her switch? Or is she always herself? Thinking about this just makes my headache worse.
It's hard to keep a train of thought today. Thinking hurts. This journal feels really random.
It's a relief to just write and not edit. I guess after everything I wrote yesterday (still kicking myself for that), there's just not much of anything left to hide. Not that I guess I was really hiding anything. I mean, I can't record every thought and feeling I have, can I? Who's to say that what I write isn't everything I think about? Or who's to say that what I choose to write about is important?
The plus side of being sick is that I can finally rest. With missions and fake dates and work at the Buy More and gaming with Morgan and everything else going on, I've been running more than a bit ragged. I probably need the sleep more than I would care to admit. I wonder if Casey and Sarah get a chance to rest on days like this. I mean, I know they still have to protect me and watch out for me, but it's not like we're off saving the world or fighting bad guys.