I got another verbal commendation from General Beckman today for another successful mission. This one went without a hitch. We were able to simply monitor video feeds and I provided information. The case was straightforward so Sarah and Casey didn't have to go make any of the arrests (I'm sure it was "get to" in their minds, but I'm happier seeing them safely away from gunplay).
The problem with verbal commendations, though, is that they don't really do much for me. Sure, it feels good, but I'm learning to know when a job is well done and when it's a disaster or near-disaster.
I can't spend a verbal commendation. I can't take it to the bank and deposit it. It doesn't help me move out from the soon-to-be newlyweds. It doesn't help buy Christmas presents or donate to charity. It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I just wish there was more substance behind it. The words start to feel hollow and meaningless after a while.
Plus, it's not even an award that I can take and show off to my family and friends. If I could just say to them "See! See what I did?" Granted, Ellie would worry and the Captain wouldn't be that impressed. But Morgan would probably wet himself with glee. That would be so much fun. And then I could tell them what I had done. I would feel cool and important for a while.
I'd also have somebody to talk to then. I could brag to somebody who hadn't done it all before. I could talk about how scared I was at other times. Or pass along how cool it was to feel like a real spy and to fool the bad guys or to get away with some scam.
I wonder how Casey and Sarah deal with it. I guess Casey probably just doesn't. He just lives life alone all the time. He's like Chocolate Harry – he has always been lonely. Maybe he's not so lonely now, but he doesn't seem to like the feeling of realizing that he's lonely, to the point where he goes out of his way to try to not understand the opposite feeling.
Sarah isn't like that. She seems to like being appreciated – she knows what it means to talk about issues that matter with people. She may not be any good at it. She may be reticent to do it. But she understands. But it's hard for either of us to crow to the other, since we were both there, usually.
I hope Sarah finds an outlet and learns to share. She's too beautiful a person (and I don't mean physically) to keep it all bottled up and turn into a Casey. That spark of life is still very bright within her. I'm not sure why she doesn't let it show more often, but I see it peeking through occasionally. It's wonderful. She's never as real as she is in those moments.