Wow, it's been quite a while since I've had a flash or we've had a mission. It's really nice. I need the break. I hope that means the fulcrum guys are staying well away from here. Maybe LA is getting a reputation as a bad place to do business if you're a bad guy. Team Bartowski hasn't done too badly.
I can't decide exactly how I feel about not having missions. On the one hand, I hate the feeling of terror when my life or any of my friends' life is in danger. But I like making the world a better place to live. The feeling of accomplishment at the end of a mission really is rewarding, even though I can't really share it.
These times without missions are great to rest. But I still work at Buy More. And that job just doesn't satisfy me any more. I don't think it ever did, really. It was just a place to go and something to do – a sop to my conscience while I dealt with all the other issue in my life. Now, though, even when I'm there, I'm thinking about other things.
And then there's the fact that no missions means cover dates with Sarah are just that – actual dates together, just the two of us instead of covers for missions. That is wonderful in one respect, because we have time to bond and I can just focus on her; and I think she focuses on me. But it's also terrible, because I have nothing to distract me from her. And I told her I just wanted to be friends – the first lie I've told her that she believed.
So it's torture of sorts, being on cover dates with Sarah. I want it to be so much more than cover, but it can't be. It can't be.
On the plus side, I'm not nearly so tired on these days without missions. I'm able to do my job at Buy More and still have time and energy to hang out with Ellie and make up for my absences with Morgan. It's a time to recharge and I definitely need some of that –a lot of that.
But time inexorably leads to questions – questions about my future, about my present, and even about my past. I don't have answers to those questions. And the people who do aren't inclined to share them with me. I can make all the plans I want, but without cooperation from the government and one agent in particular, they're just swimming upstream.
Plus, no missions and no activity leaves me little to write about in my journal, so I have to stretch to reach 500 words. At least I'm two-thirds of the way done, more or less, with my month. I wonder what the shrinks are making of all this. I can't imagine it's good, but, like so many things, it is what it is and I can't really change it.