Can I really give mom's charm bracelet to Sarah? What message is that going to send? I mean, I want to give her something real, but our relationship is so complicated.
As a cover gift, it's perfect. It's exactly what I would give a real girlfriend at this point in our relationship. Ellie is ecstatic, saying that our parents would be delighted that I'd found someone special enough to give that bracelet to.
And it is beautiful. And it will look so wonderful on Sarah. But what message is it sending to her? Since we agreed to keep consideration of any kind of a real relationship off the table, we've grown to be such good friends. I lean on her and I really think she leans on me and trusts me. She maybe trusts me more than she's ever trusted anyone in her life, which is an enormous responsibility, but which makes me grin from ear to ear.
The thing is, am I abrogating her trust in me by giving her something real? Am I denying what I said before, about how we both know we can't have any kind of a real future? I want a real future with her. So, as a real gift, it's appropriate, too. Even if we don't have a future together, the time we have had is worth so much more than that bracelet, at least to me. I'm happy to give it to her.
But is it going to tie her into emotional knots? Every time it seems we may reach some level of emotional connection, Sarah fights me. She doesn't want to emotionally connect. I don't want to give her something for Christmas which is going to make her unhappy or worried.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if she just accepted the gift? That she would acknowledge what it means, on all the weird levels of our relationship, and treasure it? That would make all this decision-making agony all worthwhile. And it could happen. She's slowly starting to open up to me. We've bonded over our fathers and other things.
But we're bonding as friends. Very good friends. But not as boyfriend/girlfriend, necessarily. I've heard people say that the best romantic relationships start as friendships. We certainly still have chemistry. Or, at least, I think we do. I'm hardly an expert. It could just be that we have this cover romantic relationship to maintain.
It's too late to get something else. Ellie will look for the bracelet. I just hope that Sarah will understand what all it means. And what it doesn't mean. I don't expect romance from her. I can hope and dream and wish, but I don't expect.
When she opens it, I'll watch very carefully and then just pick my words carefully afterwards. It would be nice to give it to her someplace private. I guess if she won't cover over on Christmas, I'll just give it to her at work. And be ready to tell her what it means.