I have a degree from Stanford. For so long I thought about how my life would be different if I just would have been able to finish up my time there. But now that I have my degree, what have I done with it? Nothing. What can I do with it? I just don't know.
I've though about trying to find another job, of course. But the realities of mission life means that whatever job I found would have to be one where I could leave any time I like, for random periods of time. Plus, I would have to be able to work whenever my schedule allowed, not whenever the company wanted there. That's a nearly impossible bill to fill.
Plus, there's the need for 24-hour surveillance. That's pretty easy at the Buy More, with Casey working there and Sarah practically next door. The CIA put a lot of money into building the castle below the Orange Orange and connecting it to Buy More in a variety of ways. They're not going to be happy with that investment not paying off, if I were to try to leave my job.
So, I have a degree from a prestigious university, and it does me no good. I suppose I could try grad school – I mean, I thought about it some when I was at Stanford. And you can take some graduate courses from home. But I'm already plenty old to be entering the engineering field from retail sales. Spending 10 years in part-time grad school doesn't exactly sound like the best way to remedy that situation.
I was semi-serious when I told Ellie I might want to be a secret agent. I look at Casey and Sarah and see some things that appeal and some things that make my skin crawl. The sense of aloneness and the necessity, most of the time, of never letting anybody know you… that would be an awfully large adjustment for me to take. And if I'm tired of not having control over my future now, how would it be if I were actually an agent? They know they have no control over their future – they just follow orders. And go where they're told.
Still, if that were the only way to have any say over my future, or if that were the only way to stay together with my family and friends, could I do it? Would I be able to make the sacrifice to live that kind of a life? Even if I could, would the government want me?
It doesn't matter. You just have to give up too much of yourself to be an agent like Sarah or Casey. I couldn't do it. "Acceptable casualties" is a term Casey uses too often. I just don't believe there is such a thing. But I doubt that attitude would be conducive to long-term survival – not if I were to try to become a secret agent. So I guess that's out.