I hate writing New Year's resolutions. Ellie expects everybody to make one every year and every year it drives me crazy. As Dad used to say, "It's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." OK, he used to sing it, but I use the term 'sing' in the loosest possible sense.
That's not my problem. I know I'm not perfect. But I have no idea which flaw I should try to address at this particular point in time. Or to which part of my life I should focus on. Spy life? Romantic life? Buy More life? I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions that it's hard to make energy to focus onto any one aspect.
Ellie's resolution is to eat healthier. She already eats so little junk food that I don't know how she makes it from one day to the next. It will mean even less salt and fat in her cooking. Her cooking is so fantastic that it won't matter. So I'll eat a small portion of my meals healthier, but I love going out and my junk food too much to successfully make a resolution like that. I need something else.
I know Ellie would like to see me spend less time playing games with Morgan. But I refuse to give up that time. That's one of very few times where I can almost fully relax and be myself. Morgan is so non-judgmental that he makes a safe outlet. Even then, though, I have to be careful about talking too much about Sarah or being around actual guns or whatever. But it's close to full relaxation. I am not going to give that up.
Sarah would probably have me resolve to work out more. I can't imagine my doughy physique is particularly attractive. It certainly doesn't compare to her amazing body, but, then again, nothing ever does. If that were my goal, I'd never get started. Maybe, though, if I were in better shape again, I wouldn't have to always stay in the car. I'm not sure when I would work work-outs into my schedule, but it's an interesting idea, at least.
Casey would probably tell me to get basic weapons training. Again, knowing how to shoot a gun might be a very handy skill to have in certain situations. I don't know how I'd justify that to Ellie, though. I could maybe pass it off as a gaming thing, if I could get Morgan to join me, but I never want to have to shoot a gun. I just don't think I can resolve to learn how to shoot.
Maybe I should just resolve to stay in the car. Or listen to what Sarah tells me to do in general. I just can't leave her to face danger alone, though. It may be smarter and it almost certainly is generally safer (even though it's not really ever safe in the car either), but it's just not who I am. I can't change that. I think, on some level, too, Sarah is touched that I care so deeply about her that I'm willing to risk my own life, even though it drives her crazy.
My best resolution might be to continue being me. I am who I am and I'm finally feeling good about who I am. Part of that is Sarah but part of that is seeing what all I can accomplish. Sarah told me "You can do anything. I've seen you in action." I'm starting to believe her. Maybe that should be my resolution – believe in myself as much as others believe in me. I like that. I resolve to believe in myself.