Thanks to everyone who's reviewed.

Before it drives me completely insane, here's part 14. It ends in a rather unfortunate place, but at the rate I edit my longer chapters, if I hadn't chopped this one in half you'd have been waiting til Christmas. Enjoy.

Colum had returned late in the afternoon with Rhett's bags and an invitation from Morland Hall to dinner whenever was convenient. He had stayed for a supper of leftovers from the night before and had enjoyed a drink with the pair before making his departure.

Now, several hours later, Scarlett lay awake staring into the darkness of her bedroom, Rhett's deep measured breathing next to her evidence of his slumber.

She was a coward. She'd had an opening wide enough to drive a herd of stampeding elephants through and yet she'd chickened out. And in doing so, by putting it off, she had made it even harder.

She thought back to the conversation they'd had a few hours earlier as they prepared for bed, when he had drawn her into his arms and kissed her hair, and it had become clear to her he had no intention of anything more than sleep happening in their bed tonight.

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"What about-?" Scarlett asked as she sat on the edge of the bed, her bare feet dangling.

"What?" Rhett asked, putting an arm around her shoulders.

"Well, aren't we going to- ." She faltered. Did he not want her in that way? No, of course he did, she'd felt evidence of his desire for her when he had kissed her earlier.

"Aren't we going to what?" he enquired innocently.

"You enjoy making me squirm, don't you," she grumbled, folding her hands primly in her lap.

"Occasionally," Rhett smiled as he pulled her a little closer. "Scarlett, it's been an emotional day. I don't know about you, but I'm tired. There'll be plenty of time for that. I've waited this long for you, I'm sure I can hold out a little longer. Lets just go to bed."

Confusion flitted across her face. After the way he'd been teasing her all day, she'd just assumed that they would-

"Are you still angry at me about Cat?" she asked in a small voice.

"What? Scarlett, no. Where have you been today that you've not heard what I said to you?"

"On a cloud mostly." Rhett chuckled softly.

"So it would seem. Well come back down to earth for just a minute and listen to me. I understand why you did what you did, my pet, and I'm not holding any grudges against you for that. I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and realise I've wasted a golden opportunity to be happy by harbouring resentments when there's no need and they're only going to make me unhappy. I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. We did it before and god knows it was a disaster." He took her hand in his, entwining his fingers with hers, then pressed the back of her hand to his lips."And don't ever think for a minute that I don't want to make love to you. I still want you more than I've ever wanted any other woman."

"And I've made you wait longer than anyone else," she finished.

"You have indeed." he smiled gently at her.

"Then why? It's been nearly two months, there's no need for us to wait."

"I don't want to rush you into anything or make you feel obliged to be with me so soon. I sprung quite a surprise on you by turning up here this morning and you've been jittery all evening about exactly this. Am I right?"

She shrugged. "That doesn't mean I don't want to."

"I know it doesn't, but it's been an emotional day for both of us. I want you to feel sure that you're ready. And you've just had a baby, Scarlett. Your body's been through one hell of a trauma." He paused. "I don't want to risk you becoming pregnant."

She stared at him dumbfounded, then looked away. How could she not yet have told him she would never bare another child? She'd thought of it earlier as she had fed the baby for the last time before putting her down for the night, but they'd been so wrapped up in Cat and each other she had been unwilling to break the mood. When she had finished nursing Scarlett had handed the baby over to her father who had put her on his chest and lain on the couch like that until Cat was asleep. The scene had touched her deeply, his love for their child so obvious to her that she couldn't bare to ruin it for him. Not just yet. And as the promise of what she'd expected to happen in this bedroom loomed large in front of her, she'd simply put it from her mind. Tomorrow. She would tell him tomorrow.

"Not after what you've just been through," he continued, putting his arms around her. "I can't, no I won't risk losing you Scarlett. Not when I've just got you back. Not ever." She could hear the raw emotion in his voice as he spoke, see the fear for her safety written plain on his face. "There are things we can do to prevent your conceiving, one in particular that's more effective than the others, but I didn't exactly come prepared for that eventuality. It doesn't mean we can't be together. There are other things we could do in the mean time," he trailed off as she looked away.

She had some idea what 'other things' he was talking about, things that at one time would have turned her stomach to even think of, things that now seemed intriguing, even attractive to her were Rhett to perform them on her or vice versa. She blushed at the thought. He could do whatever he wanted with her, but not because they had to avoid intercourse. She had to tell him that wasn't necessary and yet she couldn't bring herself to do so.

"From the colour of your cheeks I take it you know at least something of what I'm talking about?" Hot blood was flooding her face. "Think about it, take some time to get used to the idea. We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with." He pulled her closer and kissed her hair, then drew back the covers and they climbed into bed.

And so she lay there, a feeling of dread mingled with a small amount of what she could only describe as relief that he hadn't wanted to make love to her. She wanted to, god knows she ached for him, and yet she was nervous. Was that part of the reason she hadn't been able to tell him?

They had been together only twice in the six years since Bonnie's birth and she was afraid of disappointing him. She'd never worried about that before, had never much cared about pleasing Rhett in bed, she'd simply allowed him to take what he wanted from her as her duty as his wife. Her marital relations with him had, in that respect, been much the same as with her other husbands. Any emotion Rhett felt had always been carefully held in check, and for her part, was absent altogether.

Of course she was no innocent, but in some ways she felt she was just that, like a virgin bride on her wedding night. They had never been together, she had never been with anyone, in a way that made her feel completely open and vulnerable, stripped naked, as she did now. It frightened her. That drunken night he had carried her up the stairs and a brief coupling on a rain swept beach somehow didn't count. Neither had been in control of themselves, driven by rage or fear, their actions fueled by lust or alcohol or jealousy. Now there was nowhere to left hide.

She felt a pressure she had not known before to make sure he enjoyed himself, to give him as much pleasure as she knew he was capable of bringing her. And she honestly had very little idea how to go about accomplishing that. Unlike Rhett, her knowledge of the act was basic. He'd probably had all manner of things done to him by all manner of different and vastly more experienced, not to mention more skilful women than she. Scarlett shook off the thought, she would not think about that now. Perhaps she could ask him to teach her what he liked, if she didn't die of embarrassment first. He certainly knew how to please women.

But more importantly, what would he think of the fact that there would be no more Butler babies? He'd tell her once more it was immaterial whether she had one child or twenty, but she didn't know if she'd believe it. Rhett loved babies and she would have given just about anything to provide him with another. But it wasn't to be. And it broke her heart. Years ago Scarlett hadn't cared, but she now hated to deprive him of the joy of having another baby. The thought of having that conversation worried her far more than being physically intimate with him again. And the thought of extinguishing forever any hope he might harbour of future babies together, made her feel sick.

She pushed herself up onto her elbow and looked at his sleeping face in the faint light of the low-burning fire, his head turned slightly towards her on the pillow. Would he look at her differently now, as less of a woman?

Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked them away. Cat started to whimper in her crib signifying she was awake and wanted to be fed so Scarlett slipped out of bed as gently as she could so as not to disturb Rhett. She put her bare feet on the cold floor, pulled on her wrapper and made her way over to the baby. Positioning herself comfortably in the rocking chair, Scarlett drew a soft blanket over her knees to keep the chill out and unlaced her nightgown. She sat rocking gently while she fed the baby, her eyes closed as slow, weak tears trickled down her cheeks.

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"Scarlett?" She started as she felt his hand in her loose hair. She opened her eyes and involuntarily clutched at the neckline of her nightgown, making sure she had properly covered her breast when she'd finished nursing. Silly, she'd let him watch earlier, but it still felt foreign to her to have a man's eyes on her like that, even if they belonged to her baby's father.

"I didn't hear you get up," she said, swiping a hand quickly across her cheeks to erase the evidence of her distress, but she knew it was too late. He would have already noticed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you like that." He crouched down next to the chair and gently stroked the baby's head. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong?"

"I was just having trouble sleeping. It's nothing Rhett, " she said quietly, her eyes trained down. He lifted her chin gently and turned her face to look at him.

"I don't believe you. You've been crying." He cupped her cheek and brushed the wetness away with his thumb. "But tears aside, I can always tell when you're lying to me, Scarlett."

She frowned at him, pursing her lips in displeasure. "I'll have to work on that."

"I rather hope you won't need to. Are you finished?" he asked softly, gesturing towards the baby. When Scarlett nodded he took the sleeping child from her, kissed the top of her head and replaced Cat in her crib. His eyes lingered there for a moment before he turned his attention back to her mother.

He held out his hand to her, pulled her to her feet then picked her up in his arms and, taking her place in the rocking chair, sat down with Scarlett in his lap. He tucked the blanket securely around them both and pulled her close to rest her head against his chest. "Comfortable?" she nodded against him. "Now are you going to tell me what's bothering you? Please?"

"It's about earlier," she started quietly, "why you didn't want to- Well I just thought we were going to-" Oh god, why was this so hard? She could feel heat rising in her face and thanked the lord the room was barely light.

"Make love?" She nodded and Rhett sighed and pulled her a little closer.

"And then when you gave me your reason why you thought we should wait, well I should have said something straight away. But I was suddenly afraid. I didn't want to ruin the moment and I don't want it to ruin everything now." She couldn't look at him, see the bitter disappointment she knew would be in his eyes when she told him.

"What could possibly ruin what we have Scarlett? I thought we'd worked through all our problems. We love each other, I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything." She nodded and sniffed a little.

"I can't have any more babies, Rhett," she said in barely more than a whisper. "Not ever."

"Is that what this is about?" He took her hand in his, "Scarlett, I wouldn't want you to risk it, not after what you went through to have Cat." His words made her feel slightly better, though there was always a chance he might change his mind or come to regret it later. "Like I said earlier, there are things we can do to prevent-"

"No Rhett, listen to me." She sat up and turned to face him. "Physically, I can't, no matter how much we try. There was so much damage done by the miscarriage. Grainne told me when she delivered Cat that she-" Scarlett swallowed hard and took a breath. Her cheeks heated as she felt his eyes on her, waiting. "She took the womb out with the baby."

Rhett sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes wide with horror. "My God, Scarlett!" His body was rigid beneath hers and she knew he would have been on his feet had she not been in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly against him as if afraid he might still lose her, realising how just how close to that reality they had come. "What you've been through. I feel so guilty for not having been here."

"What could you have done Rhett? Nothing. It's done and it can't be undone. No matter how hard we try, it isn't going to happen. I'm so sorry, I wish things could be different."

"Don't ever apologise for this, Scarlett. You don't have anything to be sorry for, do you hear me."

She nodded. "The irony is I'd go through it all again if I could guarantee the outcome, and even if it wasn't certain, I might still risk it. I finally understand how Melly could have made that decision. It seems so simple to me now." She looked up into his dark eyes."Oh Rhett, I'd give you a dozen babies if I could."

He couldn't help but laugh and cocked an eyebrow at her. "A dozen? I'm not quiet sure I believe you on that, my pet. Even if you are half Irish." She swatted him on the shoulder.

"Well, maybe a quarter of a dozen then." She smiled and nestled a little closer. "I was devastated when I found out, just when I finally learn what it is to love a child I don't get to repeat the experience. Are you very disappointed Rhett? "

"In a strange way it's a relief. I'd be too afraid to touch you otherwise for fear you might become pregnant. I couldn't bare to lose you Scarlett, not for the sake of a baby. Yes, I love children, our children, but to risk having another baby only for it to cost you your life would be madness." He leaned in and whispered in her ear, "Now I can have my wicked way with you to my heart's content and we don't have to worry."

"Well, when you put it like that!" She squirmed purposefully in his lap and elicited a soft groan in response.

"No, but seriously Rhett, you're not too disappointed are you?" He could see the worry in her eyes.

"I already have three beautiful children, Scarlett, that's more than I ever thought I'd have. And yes, it's enough, don't ever think it's not. You, just as you are, would be enough for me. You're all I've ever wanted. Anything else is just icing on the cake." He kissed her temple and gently stroked her back.

"Thank you for saying all the right things, Rhett. I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders."

"Are you well now though?" His face was serious, as he put his hand on her belly and she covered it with her own. They both knew how lucky she was to be alive.

"I'm fine. I don't feel much different really, well maybe better than I have in the last few years. I had some trouble after the miscarriage, but that's all in the past now."

He frowned slightly. "I didn't know. You never said anything."

"We were barely on speaking terms at the time, Rhett. And that's not exactly the sort of thing you discuss with your estranged husband, is it."

"I suppose not. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we wasted so much time and I'm sorry we weren't there for each other when we needed one another." He drew her closer to him and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"I'm sorry too, Rhett. For making you miserable, for making you wait so long for me, for not giving you a chance when you could have made me so happy, and especially for holding onto the dream of something that could never have matched a reality with you. For all the things I did wrong in our marriage."

He put his fingers to her lips. "Enough of that. I think we've both had enough apologising today to last us a lifetime." He put her on her feet and stood up. "How about we make the most of what's left of this evening. Would you like to go back to bed?" he asked and she took his hand in hers.

"What about Cat?" She looked over her shoulder towards the sleeping baby.

"She's not invited to this party."

"Rhett, I don't want to wake her."

"Were you planning on making a lot of noise?" He chuckled at her open-mouthed expression, then swept her off her feet into his arms before she could answer and strode purposefully over to the bed.

TBC

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Thanks for reading. J.