Author's Notes: It is with pride and honor that I present to you the fifth chapter of Shameless. I am extremely sorry to all my loyal readers (so far only two have made their presence) who have been waiting for this – the Holidays seemed to be taking up much of my time.
Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl is not mine, yadda yadda. Can I stop putting this up mommy? Plz?
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SioPao-chan: Astig na bata? Haha, salamat talaga po. Mahirap po talaga mag-isip ng mga events para sa ito. Sana naman kukuha yung Newberry Award naman. Yung muna ang gusto ko. :D
LOL, HE'S NOT EMO. It just… popped out of my head. Mary is the pseudonym of the person whose point of view this is written in. :P She is constantly mistaken for someone else. Artemis will indeed appear again. He's a side character here, along with Butler, though, so he doesn't appear as much as most fangirls wish. Ehehehe.
Punkartgurl13: I feel so loved seeing your reviews on all my chapters. Anyway, yes, HE SAID WHORE. I would have mellowed it out… but it seemed so amusing I couldn't resist it. I'll use preposterous one of these days, promise! Haha! I've inserted you in this chapter. Squint.
Myles is a male stripper. I must deal with it.
Oh, your reviews have encouraged me these past few… months.
Jello1029: Yes, Myles Fowl is extremely sexy. Let's wait for the Beckett moments, shall we? One of the best? Oh, my, I feel so flattered. Haha. This was just the result of me having energy drinks in my system and wanting Myles & Beckett to be popular. Thanks for the compliment. I need the encouragement to keep typing.
To all my reviewers: It is your encouragement that made me make such a looong chapter! Be happy!
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"When all else fails – you know the bar's waiting."
-A Reona-chan & Friends Saying-
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Nothing too exciting occurred during the time we set off on our little expedition (which Myles keeps telling me has something to do with my identity – what the fuck?). Myles was the same egotistical bastard, even at sea, Beckett was shy (and unbelievably adorable), and Artemis kept throwing a mop at me, which I avoided on purpose. Butler, however, watched with a shaking head and a disapproving look. At least one person was on my side (Beckett wasn't counted – I don't think he has a side).
At the moment, I was looking down at the clothes I was now wearing, giving out a small sigh as I took in the baggy pants and white shirt. They didn't fit very well at all, and I was completely sure with myself that they weren't exactly clean either, but hat wasn't what concerned me. If the time I've spent with the Fowls had taught me anything, it was that none of this was going to go like one of those fanfiction romances. I would not be sweeping Artemis Fowl, Myles Fowl or Becket Fowl off his feet, and I was really not sure I wanted to sweep off the first two. Running my hands through my hair, I lamented being stuck on a boat (ship, as the enthusiastic antique-collecting Beckett kept reminding me) with no shampoo, and more importantly, no hairspray.
Not that I'm high maintenance or –
- okay, so I'm a little freakin' high maintenance when it comes to my hair. Cut me a damn break.
I was suddenly whisked into some evil Fowl boy scheme, anyway; it was better to worry about something useless than something that would risk your life.
Outside the door of the small cabin I was left in as a detention room (I had spit in Myles's face and had kicked Artemis in the shin this morning – not a very good thing to do), I could hear the crew cheering at something retarded and I moved toward the door quickly to see what it could be. Opening it, I gasped as I came face to face with a mumbling Beckett, a satisfied Artemis, and a clearly smiling Myles.
"Hello, love!" Myles exclaimed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and causing me to roll my eyes. I frowned and wrenched his arm away. Freak kept making personality switches. Pissed me like hell.
"What did you do to make them so happy?" I asked, frown still on my face (he won't ask if you frown).
It is Artemis, however, who answers, and he looks up at the ceiling with some sort of absent-minded look. "We'll be heading into the nearest town, now," he murmured. Beckett, then, seems to take interest in the conversation and gawks at my outfit.
"You look like a pirate, Mary!" he exclaimed, eyes wide before Artemis 'shush'es him and makes him keep quiet.
I snorted. I actually did. I was sorely tempted to tell Beckett that I had never even had a speeding ticket in my life, let alone pillaged or plundered on the high seas. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that the reference would be completely lost on him (like everything else – which was cute).
Myles looked down at me for a long moment and finally my gaze followed his. He was staring at my locket... well, my locket or my breasts. I couldn't quite be sure. Blushing, I tucked the locket underneath my shirt and buttoned every button except for the top one. There, now both were hidden. I gave him a triumphant look.
He smiled up at me, teeth gleaming.
"I wasn't looking at your locket, Mary," he said conversationally, enjoying my blush. And before I could say anything (what could I say to that!), Myles was walking away to join his men on the main deck (to gossip?), leaving me to follow. Artemis and Beckett seemed to have something else to do, so they left as well. And thus, I did go, grumbling and cursing the whole way. The newness of all of this was starting to wear off and I was feeling more than a little bitchy.
These Fowl boys didn't know what they were in for.
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I had been in a bar before, but never one like this one. In fact, I was pretty sure that up until this moment, I had thought bars like this didn't even really exist. Of course now, up until that morning I had also thought it was impossible to get sucked through the time and space continuum into a fictional book, so today did seem to be my day for standing corrected.
The second we walked through the door, everyone looked up. Men seemed frozen with their drinks in mid-air, women stopped giggling and looked at us with wide eyes, and even two men engaged in a fight stopped momentarily as the identity of minors leading full-blooded crewmen walked in. Myles smiled and everything returned to normal, except for the women who were now cooing like pigeons and making their way over in droves. The man behind the bar was asking us what we wanted as Myles prepared to sit and every seat around him filled with whores. No wonder he had such a big ego! I turned to the older man.
"What have you got?" I asked.
"Beer," he barked, pushing drinks over to two men on my left. I waited for him to continue but he didn't.
"Cosmopolitan?" I asked sarcastically, pretending to think it over. "Bay Breeze? Scotch and Coke?" He looked at me like I was mad and I thought he may be right.
"Beer it is then!" I called, with mock cheerfulness. He slid a dirty mug over to me and I gave him a sarcastic grin, tipping my glass to him.
"Service with a smile," I said, not even caring that he was ignoring me. "Just the way I like it."
Taking my glass, I stopped to take a sip before walking back to Artemis, Myles, Beckett and the others. Wonderful. It went down like battery acid and tasted like piss. Yuuuuummmmmy.
Beckett smiled when I approached, looking up from the table full of ladies who were enraptured with his brother's every word. It seemed all the other crewmates, even Juliet (Butler would not leave his master's side – though I barely noticed he was there), had been wise enough to go off on their own and find things to do. Everyone except for me.
"Ah... Miss Sanders. Ladies, this is Miss Mary Sanders. She's from England, as it were," Myles started, making Artemis wonder what he did to make his brother such a ladies' man. I grinned inwardly when a picture of Artemis telling Myles how to look pretty popped up into my head.
The girls didn't even look up at me and I couldn't have cared less. Instead I took another drink of the beer and grimaced, feeling it still burn. I knew if I drank enough of it then eventually the nasty taste would go away.
"That's right," I said conversationally, pulling over a chair and wedging it between Myles and a redhead. I'm not usually so bold in real life but beer and time travel had done wonders for my nerves. "Chip-chip-cheerio, jolly good, and all that shite."
The redhead looked like she might kill me when I sat down and Myles looked pleased. I took another large drink of my rum (it was getting slightly better with each one) and watched as the redhead left her chair to perch herself on his lap. She raised her eyebrow as if to say, 'Well, how about that?' I promptly raised my middle finger and sat on Beckett's lap as if to say... well, no need to explain what I meant by that, now is there?
Feeling bored with the stupid girls and the minor who seemed to love every bit of it, I turned slightly in my chair to look around the room. There were all sorts of people here, but I could tell that most or all of them were lowlife scum. The men were like most of the crew, dirty and unkempt (though I will admit, far less handsome) and the women were all in tight dresses with their hair pulled back, being either barwenches or whores. Juliet and I were the only two women wearing pants, and I was the only one left in this room. I slumped down farther in my chair and tried to keep my head down so no one would notice me. Something told me that this was the kind of place where you wouldn't want to stand out.
A few men on my left were having a conversation and I couldn't help leaning a bit to hear it (what? I wanted to feel like some agent from Mission Impossible for once!).
"So, they can't find her then?" One man said to the other. I couldn't see him but his voice was gruff, deep.
"She left before they got there and left nary a sign where she was going." The second man's voice was not as deep but was every bit as rough, as though he were speaking while parched of thirst. "They found that scrap o' paper with that nonsense on it. Ye know, the way to the treasure be through her heart or summin' like that."
My heart froze and I had to fight to remain nonchalant. I had held that paper in my hands. I had found it in...
"When the old man wouldn't explain, they slit his throat in his bed and left looking for the lass."
I looked to Myles who currently had two girls nuzzled into his chest, one under each arm. Could he have done that? He was an evil genius but...
I took a large gulp of my beer, considered, then finished it off. Well, this was just wonderful. It was either be on board with a strange, potential murderer or in a town full of strange, definite murderers. My options were getting better all the time.
"More beer!" I shouted to the bartender. The girls laughed as I nearly fell over trying to get up. "Make it two," I said, gritting my teeth. Getting shit-faced might not really help things, but it would make me forget for at least a little while.
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"You know what your problem is," I said to Myles, pointing to him, Beckett and Artemis's lips quirking up into a small smile. It wasn't really a question.
"I don't have a problem," he slurred, smiling. One of the girls was tugging on his arm, trying to get him to go off alone with her. It was safe to say that Myles and I were fairly smashed (Beckett may not look it, but he is smart – he didn't touch a drink at all, so did Artemis).
"Your problem," I continued, ignoring him, "is that you are a man. Even if you do walk like a woman." I finished another drink and tried to count the cups to see how many I'd had but the math made my head hurt. Diagonally from me, Myles tilted back to put his feet on the table and would have crashed to the floor if it hadn't been for the women fretting over his every move.
"I do not walk like a woman. I am all man, understand?" He gave me a perverse grin and I nodded mockingly.
"Right Myles. You are a buffet of manliness." I gestured nonchalantly to his face. "By the way, your hair's not maintained."
His hand came halfway up to the top of his head before he stopped it but that was enough. I was sent immediately into peals of giggles that not even the suddenly intense look I was getting from Artemis as a warning could stop. When I finally had gained control of myself, I continued.
"The problem with men is that they're all liars. They say 'we want strong, smart women. We want someone to keep us on our toes.' But in the end it's always like this." I gestured at the girls. "You all truly want stupid women, who won't argue with you, who will laugh at your dumb jokes and be submissive and make you feel better about yourself. Even you Myles Fowl. Even you."
Beckett clapped his hands and patted me on the back. "Awesome show, Mary," he said, and I felt myself blush a little. Artemis would have grinned if he weren't so apathetic. He cradled his chin with his hand and watched me with appeal.
There was a fire in Myles's eyes now, even though he was still smiling. The girls looked like they weren't sure if I was trying to offend them or steal their man. A slightly more sober version of me would have realized it was time to stop. As it was, I went on.
"You know what you need Myles Fowl? I'll tell you what you need. You need a real woman. A woman who won't take all of your crap. A woman who'll tell you how it is and to hell with ya if you don't like it. A woman who..."
"Tell me," Myles interrupted, and now he didn't look quite so drunk. I wondered if I had been tricked somehow. "Did you have someone in mind?"
I shifted in my chair under his gaze, that gaze, and now the whores did look nervous. I went to take a drink of my rum only to find it empty.
"I am not nearly drunk enough to answer that question," I told him, trying to appear haughty. He smiled and slapped the table, calling loudly, "More beer!" A few voices nearby laughed and I sighed as the tensions eased.
So I drank another glass of rum, this one more slowly, as I sat at the table with my head propped up in my hand, feeling like it might fall off and roll on the floor if I didn't hold it up. I drifted for a while, seeing people go by, hearing their noisy shouts and laughter but feeling separated from it still all the same. I was drunker than I had ever been before and I didn't really like it (I told you once – I am a lightweight).
I opened my eyes some while later to see Myles standing with the redhead who was busy nipping at his ear.
"I'll be needing two rooms, mate," Myles called cheerfully. I raised my head and looked at him and he once more turned his grin on me. "Will ye be bunking with us, love? There's plenty o' genius to go around!" he said, giving me a look and gesturing at the redhead. I gave him back a look that spoke of anger and intense violence, hoping that look could convey everything I was feeling at that moment, every bitter fear and bit of anger at being stuck between murdering geniuses with no way home. He spun back to the man behind the bar, trinkets jingling. The vision made my head spin along with him.
"Three. Three rooms, mate."
The bartender slid the keys across the bar and Myles slid some coins back to him. Sighing, I laid my head down among the empty glasses and closed my eyes, thinking how sad it was that this was the second time in two days that I was falling asleep drunk off my ass. I didn't even notice when Beckett and Artemis moved to help me up.
And that was the last thought I had for a little while.