Chapter 6: Soot and Socks

A/N: Draco will be gone for a teensy bit, but don't worry, he'll be back REALLY SOON

Just so you are warned, I hate house elves. I hate them thoroughly and passionately, and guess what? They hate me too. This makes life suck. It's like every time a house elf sees me it just decides to make me miserable. It sucks the most when it's doing it in the most polite way possible. With their little squeaky voices, and huge ears. You get the point.

Anyways, so you can imagine my distaste at the first thing I see being a house elf. Just the house elf alone would be enough to send me back up that chimney begging forgiveness. The fact that that particular house elf was one I hadn't seen since the last time my parents held a party together, made me shuffle back into the chimney.

Of course, this was the least bright thing to do, since inevitably, the chimney was filled with soot. Nice, black, dirty, DISGUSTING soot. The house elf snickered. HE ACTUALLY SNIKERED.

"Miss needs a bath, and different clothing. Or maybe you started out being that way." He said between his little stupid, dumb high pitched snickers.

Thanks to my even temper and great ability to be nice I screamed at him. Bad move. Next thing I knew, there was more black, only I wished I could call it soot.

There goes any resemblance of humanity I might have had.

Wait.

Since when can house elves make black nasty appear?

Worse yet, it was not that stupid, damn house elf, it was a big, fat man, in a large black robe. Just like death.

THAT HOUSE ELF BETTER NOT HAVE KILLED ME.

My god. That would be the worst death ever. I mean, that's ridiculous, that's like the lamest way to die! It's like Martha from one of mom's parties, who got run over by a garden gnome stampede. I mean, I thought those things were extinct! Just think, some poor middle aged rich lady, stumbling two blocks down the road, and BAM. She was trampled flat, right in front of the Steward's lawn. Worse yet, they had to clean her remains up, and they didn't even like her! The weirdest things happen, I mean, once….

"uh. YOU! Hello, come on now, I just lost my menacing edge, shit."

Oooops, the lumps talking.

Now that the black goopygas thing cleared, he isn't as black, but still just as large.

"Come on now, you don't look that ugly, just don't make me kill you!" Fatty thinks I'm pretty? Ew.

"um, HI?" I guess I do want to stay alive.

"Finally" Oh now he's going to be gruff again? Great I should've stayed quiet. "Now, Where did you come from? Why are you here? And why do you have a trunk? Tell me quick, or you won't feel anything for a long while"

I hate commands. I hate them with a passion. But I do love the senses. Damnit

"I'm uh, Soootsie!" Wow. My ability to make up names right on the spot is amazing huh? "I'm Sootsie Sock….Man. SockMan." Pure genius.

"Well Sootsie, come, you have trespassed, and as your last sight, you will be granted the luxury of seeing the most important man in the universe. Seeing will make you at peace with yourself." With that he grabbed me and pulled my arm towards the light at the end of what looked like a long hallway. Not realizing that along with my arm, my whole body was too follow. My shoulder did not like my slow realizating.

Great. He's an Dali Lama enthusiast. Just who I wanted to kill me.

Wait, aren't they supposed to be peacefull???!!!?!?!

"Thank you!" please don't let this fatty notice sarcasm!

"Let's hope he's not in the mood to play with around with you and let out a few rounds of torture!" Yeah, real convinsing bud. You'd like to hear my screams just as much as that damned house elf.

The walls around me were just black. Jeesh, emo much? As I was dragged down the endless hallway, the light seemed to cast a yellowy glow on the walls, faintly showing the intricate carvings. Wow, someone either got really bored, or really mad at the interior designer. The end of the tunnel, was not at the light, but several feet past it.

Passing the light was the worst feeling in the world.

As I flew by it, I saw that the carvings were writing, and pictures, mainly death.

GREAT

I'm in a serial killer's house.

JUST PERF… wow.

Sir fatty, stopped at the end of the hallway, at a large purple door.

Either the owner of the house is gay, or he really, really, really, really wanted a dark color other than black.

I did my little prayer to every god whose name I knew, asking them to make the door magically keep glued shut with magical god glue of magic.

Nope, the doors flew open.

The gods, really don't have it out for me do they?

When the doors flew open, there was no lighting change, no flood of sound, just a soft scrape as the hit the wall.

And then I heard the low hisss from the corner.

Slowly a man, got up and walked through the shadows. He grabbed the fatty and shoved him off.

So much for living, if fatty can fly through this man, I'm seriously screwed. Maybe if I just squatted down, he'd feel sorry for me?

didn't take long to grab me and pull me into the dark room. Great. This person is sooooo great and amazing, and he's probably going to rape me before he kills me. That sure is enlightening.

"How did you get here?" Geesh, not one for hellos ay?

"Um, see, my mom gave me this paper, and I read aloud the address and I'm not sure at all where I am, and I'm lost and I'm not trying to mess with anything, I'm just looking for my daddy, which probably isn't here, so I'll just let myself out and go find a crazy person to delete my memory and then I'll accompany them back to St. Mungo's and then we will all live happily ever after?" Mr. Strong just kept looking at me and he stopped pulling, but he didn't let go "Okay? Okay? I'll go now, thanks for the exercise and the tour, the house really is amazing, I mean! Woah the intricacy of everything man that must have taken forever! My house is kinda like this, but it is lighted, you ever notice how dark it is? You probably don't go outside much do you? Man you are probably lacking a ton of vitamin D, you should try to get out more, like try walking a house elf, they sure deserve it, the stupid creatures, have you ever noticed how ugly they are, I mean WOAH it's like…"

" Be quiet. You talk too much." Jerk.

"I'm sorry?" I shouldn't have to apologize, that dumb hoe.

" Do not apologize, I am the one to be apologizing miss." MISS???!?!?! NOW HE IS GOING TO BE NICE? Men these days are so weird.

"um, if I may, why?"

"Miss, please do not ask to question, although I am not permitted to tell you." Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreak!

With that, he pulled me farther into the room until he stopped at another door, a dark green one, and he pushed it open.

Light flooded onto my face and my eyes immediately squinted. Ow. Vapire effect to the max. I mean, I've always wondered how Dracula would feel if he came out of his coffin and like his little girlfriends pointed spotlights and halogen lights at him. Hah, now I know.

When the burning stopped, I slowly opened my eyes, and saw to my surprise a non-black room. It was various shades of green perfectly blended. This guy is gay. He has to be gay!

I turned to see mystery gay man, and to my surprise I saw Mr. Malfoy. Now, of all men, he was the one I least expected to be gay, I mean, he's gorgeous. His blond hair, beautiful grey eyes, and that perfectly sculpted face. I mean, that's unfair that MEN get that.

"You must go home, now." What is wrong with this guy?

"Are you my daddy?" Maybe I'll get a cool dad!

"No, now go home, and apologize to your mother"

"Are you like my uncle?" I could settle for a cool uncle

"no"

"Are you mother?!?" Hey, it could happen!

"no, now go before I do something your real father will make me regret."

" How?" Does he expect me to just poof there?

" Why don't you aparate?"

Okay maybe he does.

"um, I kinda can't I mean, I guess I could try, but I might get like killed and like split and that would like really suck…"

"no." Did he really just interrupt me? " I will take you home, just be quiet, and stop with your unimportant chatter"

And with that, he took two strides while dragging and I felt my stomach go inside out.