A/N: Psh, I don't even know who it's going to be yet. Oh wait…yeah, I do. Hehehe.

Anyone know how to get a song out of your head? "I Ran" has been stuck in my head for over a week. Last time something like this happened, it was senior year and "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Oh well, at least they're good songs.

"Come on!" John hollered to Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder. They didn't want to have anything to do with contributing anything positive to the paper, so they volunteered to distribute the paper. "It's hot of the press and I want everyone to read the first issue."

"Settle down with these stacks of papers, Cena. You don't want to over exert yourself and tear your pectoral muscle again," Zack teased Cena.

"Yeah, what I wouldn't give…" Curt sighed under his breath so John wouldn't hear.

"Whatever, you cronies. Just get these damn papers out."

"Mickie!" Maria squealed. She was doubled over with fits of laughter. "Did you read Jeff's article?"

"No, not yet. He writes about hair, right?" Mickie asked, being the forgetful girl that she was.

"Yeah…Just read it. It's on page six."

"Page six? Alright…" Mickie sighed, turning to the page that Maria had instructed her to.

Cool Hair Stuff
By: Jeff Hardy

Long, multi-colored hair is in.

Jeff Hardy, out.

"What the hell is this, Maria?" Mickie giggled.

"Apparently, Jeff thinks he's Ryan Seacrest. This is seriously the funniest thing ever. I can't believe John even let him publish that."

"Duh, Maria. John can't read."

The Chronic Chronicles
By: CM Punk

Randy Orton was caught littering in the hallway. Relating to drug use, he was caught littering and?

Littering and?

Littering and?

Smoking the reefer.

No one knows if Randy Orton will be fined one thousand dollars as stated in the Drug and Wellness Policy. If he doesn't, Triple H will certainly be ravaging for another title shot.

Well, more than he already does, at least.

And remember, punks don't smoke the rock.

"I am going to kill Edge," John Cena grumbled as he looked through the published first issue of the magazine.

How this had escaped his grasp, John didn't know. If he had seen this, Edge's comic surely wouldn't have made it into the final issue.

Sprawled across page four was a badly drawn stick figure labeled "John Cena," and the figure was unable to wrestle its way out of a wet paper bag. The paper bag was being doused by The Rated R Superstar himself.

Why Pants are Unnecessary
By: Randy Orton

Pants are unnecessary.

Well, that is not completely true.

They are unnecessary if you are me, but you're not, so I better see everyone at work wearing pants. They are an essential key to every the wardrobe of every person in the world who is not named Randall Keith Orton.

I do not want to see the cottage cheese thighs of you people. I'd like to keep my eyes, thanks.

Therefore, my pants are useless. Your pants are about as useless as tires on a car.

That, you unattractive fools, is your fashion tip of the week.

That Crime Scene, Crime Scene, Yeah, Yeah
By: Big Shad of Cryme Tyme

So, it seems as if that dude, Batista, was seen with some little homies backstage at SmackDown. The homies were little dudes, man. They were fresh out of the cradle, if you know what I'm saying. I don't want to know what Batista was doing with them kids, but whatever it was…JTG and I will not be auctioning off merchandise from that encounter.

Santino Marella was seen being chased down the hallways by security. The crime? Butchering the English language. That's not cool, dude. Santino is my homie, and any homie of mine is a cool dude, no matter what language they speak. Cryme Tyme does not discriminate against language of origin. We discriminate against origin of items to sell.

On a final note, it seems as if the big guy was almost in trouble for smacking a homie in the head with his power walk. That's intense.

Remember, pilfering and selling on national television is not a crime!

The Shit List: Because I'm that Damn Good
By: The Game, Triple H

You kids know that I wanted nothing to do with this bullshit paper. So, first on the shit list?

John Cena, of course.

He was all high and mighty head running this thing. Good for him. Another golden star to add to his never ending chart of golden stars.

But no, Cena can't be alone on this list.

Vince McMahon, welcome to the club.

It was his idea to do this, and now I have to waste my time writing this thing every week.

What are you going to do, Vince? Fire me?

Nice try.

"Oh. Hell. No," John stammered as he reached the last page of his first published issue.

The Real Sack (Because the WWE Magazine Version Sucked)
By: Anonymous

Do you want to know the real reason that Randy doesn't wear pants? He likes to show off his stuffed trunks.

Kane was seen eating fried chicken. Fried, not grilled. Isn't that against his religion?

The real reason The Undertaker "retired?" He was too ashamed to be in the same business as John Cena and Eve Torres.

Did you know that Eve rigged the Diva Search competition? Her extended family called in nonstop. That's three hundred people in twenty different countries. Yeah, her mom got around.

THIS JUST IN! KELLY KELLY WAS SEEN WEARING MORE THAN TWO SQUARE INCHES OF CLOTHING! The world stopped turning for that brief moment.

Until next week, the sack hits the sack.

Hey, Cena. Guess who?

"I AM GOING TO KILL EDGE!"