A/N: YOU HAVE ALL FAILED ME! No one got it! Ahhhhh.

"Edge, I need to talk to you."

"What else is new? Look, I'm not giving you fashion advice. That's what Randy's column is for. So, I really don't see the point of me having to talk to you," Edge said, continuing to walk past John Cena.

"I'm willing to pay you for your services."

Edge stopped dead in his tracks. "Wait a minute," he said, turning around and walking up to John. "You are willing to pay me to help you?"

"That's right."

"I knew this day would come!" Edge cheered. "This is like…insane! This is like Batman paying the Joker! This is like…like…awesome! So, what's up?"

"I need you to use all of your resources to find out who the hell the Sack is," John said.

Edge shook his head. "Not happening, tough guy."

"And why not? I'm going to pay you."

"This is the one thing in your life that causes you agony, and I intend to fully cash in on it. No pun intended, of course," Edge smiled. He blew a large gum bubble and left John to be by himself.

The Chronic Chronicles
By: CM Punk

Okay, so I've been getting some weird emails lately. Ever since that song "Don't Trust Me" by 3OH!3 came out…

I guess there's a line about a girl with the straight edge x's on her hands, and she washes them off so she can go drink with bands or something. Like, for the record, I don't do that, so it would be great if you would stop harassing me about it. I go to shows but I don't drink.

It's possible, you know.

But here I am, just CM Punk trying to make the impossible possible.

Remember, kids, punks don't smoke the rock.

The comic this week wasn't as anti-Cena as it usually was. Well, it was, but there was no amazing drawing of Edge somehow torturing John Cena. Instead, it was a comical interpretation of Cena's latest "You Can't See Me" shirt.

"He's losing it," Cena grinned as he saw Edge's lackluster illustration.

Legacy
By: The guy with the tats

I quit.

The Palace of Wisdom
By: The Shaman of Sexy, John Morrison

Dear Tuesday Night Delight,

Girls are telling me that my chest hair is gross. Do you agree?

Cody, I knew you would be coming to me for advice sooner or later. Yes, I agree. No man should ever cover their temple with body hair. It's gross. Do you think millions of women around the world would want to lick my jewel encrusted abs if they were covered with nasty body hair?

I don't.

Wash that dirt off of yourself. But that still won't help you get the World Tag Team Championship back.

"Three articles? Three freaking articles? This paper is falling apart!" John whined as he looked over the week's issue. He looked up at the man sitting across from him. "Chris, where's your article?"

Chris was reading his own copy of the paper. "John, you don't know how to count."

"Okay, fine. Two articles because Randy's doesn't count."

"No, your mathematical skills still fail."

"How so?"

"Four. You forgot about the Sack!"

John's head snapped in Chris's direction. "Really, Chris? Why are you so keen on the Sack? It's you isn't it? That's why you don't have an article this week! It was because you were too busy working on the Sack article!"

Chris rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you took a look at the article…"

The Real Sack
By: Anonymous

No evil rants this week. I'm tired of all the false accusations. I want credit for my work, damnit!

When everyone else quits this paper and I rule all, then you shall know who I am.

And by the looks of it, it's almost time.