Danny Phantom
Road to Ghost Hell (Also Known As "Danny Phantom's Totally Awesome and Yet Strangely Queer Crossover Special")
Chapter 3: How to Move in Next Door to a Retarded Fat Guy, by Blackspiderman
Enjoy!
TV-PG-DLV (This story is rated for some excessive violence, and a bit of inappropriate profanity)
Meanwhile, over across Rhode Island, in Quahog, Spooner Street, 31 Spooner Street to be exact, lived a not-so normal dysfunctional family just like the Fentons. They were known as the Griffins. They consisted of Peter Griffin, 43, 293 lbs, 5'11'' of the Pawtucket Brewery, and his wife, Lois, 41 years, married to him for 20 years.
Together they had three kids: Meg, the oldest, and the most disrespected of the entire family and even some of Peter's neighbors ("Meg is my least favorite of your children." Cleveland once said in the episode Hell Comes to Quahog.), Chris, 14 years old, is a retard like his father, and Stewie, the youngest, and who has already been introduced earlier, is a matricidal baby bent on ruling the world when he grows up.
They also have a dog, Brian, also introduced earlier.
He arrived home holding some money in his hand, and yet he was still depressed. He took a seat on the couch and turned on the TV.
"Tonight on CBS: The Late Show with David Letterman, with special guest, President-elect Barack Obama."
And with that, Brian shut off the TV, not wishing to hear or see anything to do with politics. Not that he disliked Obama or anything. He just wasn't in the mood for that. He was too depressed, and Lois saw that as soon as she walked in.
"What's the matter, Brian?" She asked as soon as she sat down on the couch next to her. "Another rough week at the Cabana Club?"
"Oh no, Lois." Brian began sarcastically. "It was wonderful. There were lots of friendly faces, Frank and I even met up with Senator Barack Obama. And I'm engaged to Jennifer Hudson!" He handed her the money. "And I'm swimming in loot."
"Brian, there's only $140 here."
"Yeah, don't you think I know that!? I gotta tell you, Vlad Masters is being a real douchebag. Ever since that disasteroid incident and where that Phantom kid...god, what was his name, uh..."Inviso-bill"? Anyway, ever since, he's totally been ignoring us! Even the Senate of Wisconsin dropped their sponsership with us!"
"But didn't you and Frank buy the club? I mean, you don't really need a sponser to keep it up and running?"
"Well, legally no. But, but in that scenario, we're relying on donations from people, Lois. We need money coming in to have money going out. Luckily our fans have been generous lately. Except for the homeless guys."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to Brian counting a load of money in his hand, when a homeless guy in raggy clothes shows up next to him.
"Hey, you songs were great." The homeless guy said in a dry tone. "Here, take this as a token of my appreciation." Brian held out his hand with the stack of money, and the homeless guy placed a white, blank piece of paper only slightly bigger thank a dollar bill.
"Um, this isn't money."
"No. It's whatever you want it to be. Your imagination, your money, your life."
"I-I don't-I don't-"
"Your imagination. Your rmoney. Your life."
"Sir, there's the exit. Have a nic-"
POW!
Brian was sucker punched by the homeless guy, who then proceeded to take the stack of money and run with it, unseen by anyone else.
(End Cutaway)
"I'm telling you Lois, we need to find a new sponserfor the Quahog Cabana Club, or we're as good as screwed." Brian stood up and walked out of the kitchen and found Stewie at the table, eating. Brian tossed Stewie some money. "Hey Stewie, payday."
He caught the money and was very displeased with the results. "$70! What the hell? I know business was bad, but come on, this is just painful."
"I know, we're sinking fast!"
"Oh, when I get my hands on that cat-bathing bastard Vlad Masters, I'm gonna wring his neck dry of water, and all that other fluid crap we humans need to survive."
"I know, I'm angry too. But Masters is nowhere to be found No one here knows what happened to him. And Mayor West claims that he decided to become a suicidal astronaunt, plunge himself into space, and then take off his spacesuit."
"It's funny though. As idiotic and unrealistic that sounds, it actually makes sesne. Such a historic moment since most of the things that imbecile says makes no sense."
"True."
"By the way, have you seen that little bitch Lois? I need to make a #1 and she's nowhere to be found."
"She's in the living room with Peter."
"What's that queer up to this time? He's not trying to blow up someone's house is her? 'Cause that's my job!"
"Nah, he's looking out the window to see if our new neighbors are coming today."
"Wait, we're expecting new neighbors? That way today? The fat man told us not for another week!"
"Yeah, Peter's not really good with dates."
"Clearly." Stewie jumped down from his highchair and then ran upstairs past Lois and Peter. He wasn't heard from again until the new neighbors would come just a few moments later.
Meanwhile, Lois was growing concerned for her husband as to why he was watching outside the window so intensely. "Peter, why are you watched outside the window so intensely?"
"Because, Lois, Joe told me that we're expecting our new neighbors today. I just want to make sure they're not total psychopaths or sex offenders or any of that crap. I know better this time, and I know exactly who it is."
"Oh Peter, isn't it great that you're re-uniting with an old college buddy?"
"No, I crashed into his car the other way and introduced him to my parole officer." Peter said gleefully, causing Lois to sulk. "I don't know who the hell he is, but based on his rant on 'ghosts', I'd say he's either homicidal or gay."
"Well then how do you explain that?" Lois asked, pointing to Maddie Fenton as she and the rest of her family was stepping out of the Fenton RV, after having just arrived in the neighborhood.
"Simple. Sister."
"Then explain those three kids."
"See, I have this method I use for determining the status of new neighbors, and it all has to do with how many kids there are and how old they are. See, the older girl appears 17, so she's been adopted, the boy is 15, so his paternal father was Jewish, and the younger girl appears 12, so she must've escaped from a cult when she was 7, then went on to rape Jerry Louis."
"And you get this information...from where?" A perplexed Brian asked.
"Now Brian, us latinos never reveal their secrets."
"Ugh! Peter, you are unbelivable." Lois said.
"Yeah, this is even worse than when you were convicted of being a false doctor."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to a room with two woman, one of them being pregnant, and the other on the phone, and a man next to the pregnant woman, helping her push her baby out.
"Roger, the ambulance isn't here yet!" The lady, named Angela, yelled to the man, who was named Roger.
"Damn! U-Alright, alright. Carol-" He turned to the pregnant woman, whose name was Carolyn. "You're going to have to push Push!"
The pregnant lady grunted and groaned and screamed the entire time. The baby slowly started popping out and Roger was right there to see it. After ten minutes of grueling contractions, the baby finally came out. It was a beautiful baby boy.
"Carol, it's a baby boy. Congratulations." Roger said, tearfully. He handed Carol the baby, and she held it with joy.
"A baby boy? Oh my god, I'm so happy! I'm gonna name him after my great grandfather, Trevor." She said also tearfully, and hugged the little boy like she hasn't seen him in years.
But then, just as the moment arrived, it vanished, as Peter Griffin, a temporarily certified pregnancy expert came bursting through the door, holding all sorts of equipment that was used for torture of terrorists instead of helping a pregnant woman. "Sorry I'm late, folks."
"Finally. Well, you're too late." Roger said dryly. "The baby's already o-"
"Sir, sir, sir, please." Peter replied completely cutting Roger off, making him upset. "I think I know what I'm doing!"
"But the ba-"
"We better hurry up and get this thing out!" Peter put on some gloves.
"The baby's already out! You're late!"
"Sir, I am a prefessional, so why don't you take your tired ass home so I can help this baby!?"
"This is my home!"
"Don't wanna listen? Fine!" Peter then proceeded to push Roger out of the way to the ground, and then grabbed the little baby and actually tried to shove the baby back into Carol's vagina, causing her to scream. He was struggling with the head. "Wh-Why the hell won't this thing go in-oh that's enough." Peter stopped suddenly. "Alright, let's get this thing o-ohhhhh." His eyes suddenly lit up with realization. "That was the baby?" Carol, Angela and Roger all nodded, with anger, frustration, but mostly anger. "Ohhhh. That make sense. That giant ball must be his head, and the other little balls must be his cubicals. Ah, now it makes much mo-" He turned around to leave when he was stopped by a gun nozzle. Roger was standing there, holding up a big shotgun. His teeth were grinding. "Oh, are you mad about th-"
"SHUT UP! Ok, just shut the hell up! It's bad enough you were twenty minutes late! But to shove an innocent baby back into her-oh you are just the biggest fucking douchebag I have ever met up in my life."
"I hump fat lady?"
"I ought t-wait, what?"
"I hump pregnant lady?"
"Y-You mean Carol?"
"I have sex with her then asphixiate baby?"
"NO! Just get the baby out of her vagina and save him before he suffocates!"
"I have sex with you then asphixiate baby, then watch two ladies have sex with each other?"
"What the hell are you? Some kind of retard."
A moment of silence. "House keeping?"
Boom!
Roger shot Peter in the head, and then after getting the baby safely out of Carol (Again), the three of them left the scene and left Peter for dead.
Later that week, Peter was sentenced to 82 years in prison for attempted murder of a minor, faking being a professional doctor, sexual harassment, and battery & assault, but was released on a $2.5 Million bail posted by an annonymous source. Roger, Carol, & Angela were each sentenced to 12 years in prison on the charges of leaving the scene of a crime and not reporting it to police, and attempted murder. Though they got out on a $50,000 (Roger), $80,000 (Carol), and $100,000 (Angela) bail respectively. Carol's baby also died from suffocation the following day due to being placed back in Carol's vagina for so long.
(End Cutaway)
Meanwhile, across the street, the Fentons were about to settle into their new home. They opened the front door, and welcomed themselves to their temporary new home.
Their new home consisted of three bedrooms, one for Jack & Maddie, one for Jazz, & one for Danny & Danielle. The family unpacked their bags into their new rooms.
"Boy, this is the life." Jack said. "Nothing but the clothes on our backs and the dignity we stand for."
"Dad, we're a ghost hunting family that's mocked from here to Tibet." Danny replied dryly.
"Yes, but we're mocked with pride."
"Oh dad..."
"I don't know about you two blubberheads, but I'm going to take a shower." Danielle said, making her way to one of the two bathrooms in the home.
"Why?"
"Because Danny told me taking a hot shower when suffering stress eases your muscles." She left the room, taking with her one of Danny's bathrobes and a towel.
As soon as she stepped into the bathroom, and got herself ready for the shower, she turned on the shower and let the hot water soak her skin. Danny had told her that showering under hot water when under a lot of stress would ease up your muscles. So she took his advice.
Unfortunately, her shower was short lived when one of their neighbors, local pervert, Glenn Quagmire, popped his weasely little head through the window of the bathroom, and spied on Danielle.
The perverted man then broke the silence and said to her, "I'm not sure which cheek to pinch, so I'll leave the choice to you, gorgeous!" This little sexual harassment about her, uh...you-know-what (her rear end, and if you didn't figure it out you're a homosexual) caused Danielle to scream. The screams were heard through the entire house, from her family.
"That sounded like Danielle!" Maddie yelled as they all started running up towards the bathroom. The rest of the family went to get ghost weapons since they all thought it was a ghost, while Danny pressed on upstairs, not about to lose his new future sister.
"Oh no you don't, ghost!" He yelled as he slid towards the doorway of the bathroom. A white ring formed around his body, as he pulled his hand back, ready to charge up a ghost ray. But just as the ring seperated into two and traveled up and down his body and finished his transformation, he realized it wasn't a ghost. "False alarm, guys! It's just a sexual predator. Wait a minute, that ain't a false alarm!"
"Hey, a little privacy please!?" Yelled Quagmire, as he was in the process of slapping Danielle's rear end, like the pervert he is. "I was in the middle of attempted to seduce this attractive little whore! I was gonna slap her ass with a riding crop then play tea party with it, and then I was gonna take pictures of it and post it on Myspace. She would've been the 793rd woman I've ever had sex with!"
"What!?" Danielle screamed in horror, still covering herself with her towel.
"Dude, you are sick, you sex offender!" Danny yelled.
"Well yes, I am. But that's me. I am just a sick person. But let's get something straight, you bastard! I. Am. Not. A. Sex Offender. in RhodeIsland. Only in Michigan." He smirked as if he had just won a Gladiators match. Danny was quickly getting aggrivated by this, and soon did not hesitated, and he resumed firing a ghost ray at Quagmire. The blast was not using all of Danny's power. Only about 30%, but it was enough to push Quagmire out of the window, anddown to the ground.
"Dad, call the cops. There was a sex offender in our house harassing Danielle!" Danny echoed as he flew out the window and towards the ground, tackling Quagmire again, shoving him at least 3 feet into the concrete of the street. "You're going down, punk!"
"Oh and you're not? Come on, you just attacked me outta nowhere. Really, who do you think the police are gonna believe, huh? A snot-nosed little cretan like you? Yeah, pretty obvious here!"
One minute, thirty-six seconds later...
The police had arrived in front of the Fentons' house, and had arrested Quagmire on charges on sexual harassment on a minor, attempted rape, and breaking and entering. Quagmire would be facing up to 27 years in prison on these charges if convicted.
"You son of a bitch." Quagmire mouthed to Danny as he was shoved into the back of the police car, and driven over to the police station, while the rest of the neighbors, including the Griffins, and now the Fentons, stayed behind to contemplate what just happened. Danielle was joining her family outside, and thankfully, was now wearing clothes.
"Uh, listen, I'm real sorry our neighbor, Quagmire, um...harassed your younger daughter." Peter said apologetically. "He, kind of can be a nut, sometimes. After all, he's had sex with every woman on this block except for my wife."
"Oh that's OK." Jack replied, knowing for a fact that it wasn't OK. "Well, it wasn't OK that he harassed Danielle while she was showering, but for the moment he's in jail, and that's all that matters."
"Oh don't worry, bub. If Quagmire's really the nut I've come to know, and that cop who arrested him was a Puerto Rican chick, then he should be out in say, a couple of hours."
"Joy." Danielle mouthed to herself.
"Anyway, since we're out here, I might as well introduce you to the family. Um, I'm Peter Griffin, and this is my wife, Lois, we've been married for twenty years. These are my sons, Chris,"
"Monkeys throw their poo! AHAHAHAHAHAH!"
"And this is Stewie."
"Ooh, he's so cute!" Danielle joyously reacted, attempting to pinch his cheek. "How old is he?"
"None of your fucking business. Now change me!" He yelled to her face, crossing his arms and giving Danielle the stare of the devil. She was taken aback by this quite a bit, as was Danny.
"Oh, and this is Brian." Peter said, pointing to his dog. "He's very good with literature."
"It's true. In fact, allow me to recite one for you." Brian took out a book and opened to a specific page, and began reading aloud. "There once was a man in Peru, who dreamt he was eating his shoe. He awoke with a fright in the middle of the night, to find that his dream had come true." (Taken from Spongebob Squarepants "Sleepy Time")
"So...it's about an Australian hooker?" Peter asked stupidly, once again not thinking about what he was saying, causing Brian to glare angrily.
"What the hell does Australia have to do with this poem? Besides, t-the first line of the poem says "A man from Peru."
"...so you're saying that we need to go invade Iran?"
"Uhh!"
"And uh, who's that?" Jazz asked, pointing to Meg. Peter had completely forgotten about her.
"Oh, oh sorry. Where are my manners?" Peter said politely, and then proceeded to punch Meg's lights out He had 'forgotten' to do that. "So, anyway, who are these little bastards?" He whispered the word 'bastards' so Jack couldn't hear.
"Oh, this is my daugher Jazz, my son Danny, my other daughter Danielle, and my wife Maddie. We're ghost hunters."
"Yeah, and I can bowl an average of 182" Danny said proudly, though by the expression on Peter's face, it seemed like at the moment, he didn't really care.
"Oh my god. Who. The Hell. Cares??" And he was right.
"Hey, don't talk to my brother like that." Jazz defended. "Did you know his dream is to become an astronaut? And that they only choose 100 people every 2 years to go up into space?"
Peter at first seemed astonished by this amount of trivia, shown by his blank expression. But, his next words, "OK, this girl is seriously sucking the fun out the air. If I break her neck, but I make it seem like an accident, would I be charged with manslaughter or murder?" said otherwise that he didn't give a crap. "And, and how old is this little twit?" Peter asked about Danielle.
"She's twelve." Maddie replied, with a little hint of uneasiness in her voice.
"Really?"
"Yeah. There a problem?"
"No problem. But I read this fortune cookie the other day that said 'Possible Middle-School Lesbian will visit neighborhood." That statement right there was enough to make Danielle's jaw drop. "And that I'd fall in love with Rose O' Donnell, but hasn't hapened yet. In fact, I've actually contemplated thoughts of killing her. So, uh...just, um...gonna go over there..." Peter saw the angry expressions on everyone's face, so he started tip-toeing away so he wouldn't cause anymore trouble.
Two Hours later...
Peter was waiting outside for the mail to arrived, when all of a sudden, his neighbor, Glenn Quagmire, who was arrested earlier, shows up J-walking down the sidewalk.
"Hey Peter!"
"Quagmire, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, me? Turns out the chick that arrested me was a Buddist chick!"
"Buddist, huh? Coulda sworn she was Puerto Rican..."
"No, just black."
End of Chapter 3!
Preview Time!
Next Time:
"Meg, oh my god! She had her period! Oh this is too great-"
"Peter, SHUT UP!!" Peter's neighbor, Joe Swanson, yelled. "Peter, it is 2:00 in the morning, and I am very tired! I apprehended four people, two of the black in the murder of a 14-year old Jew!"
"What the hell is going on out there!?" Another one of Peter's neighbors, Cleveland Brown, yelled out to him.
"Dammit, Peter! We're trying to sleep!" Quagmire also yelled.
"I'm just saying I'm proud of her. She missed her period last month and it wasn't because she was pregnant!"
"Well maybe she's a lesbian!!"
"I'm jus-what?"
"I'm-I'm just saying. Maybe she's a lesbian. I read that lesbians stop getting their period at the age of 16."
"Quagmire, she was sixteen last year and still got her period!" Joe yelled to Quagmire.
"Oh! Oh, maybe that was the Spanish chick I was humping."
"Is there any type of religious chick you haven't humped yet?" Cleveland asked.
"Um, yeah. I don't do athen chicks."
"Athen chicks!?" Peter yelled.
"Can't stand them. Never have, never will."
"Wait a minute. Loretta was an athenist." Cleveland yelled.
"Yes, and she cheated on you! Look who's the loser now!?"
Expected Update: December 21st.