Christmas Movies; Akatsuki Style! (A Naruto Crack Story) CH 1
Merry Christmas everyone! I have no idea where the idea for this came from but I ran it by my beta and she thought it'd be good. This is my present to everyone on so enjoy…I can't really return it.
Things were quiet around the Akatsuki hideout… a little too quiet.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" That's better.
"TOBI GET BACK HERE YEAH!" Deidara yells as his partner runs down the hall with clay birds following him.
"NO!"
"TOBI, UN!"
"NOU~!"
Thud.
Tobi runs straight into Kisame while he's running from his sempai.
"Kisame-san!" He says, his eyes overflowing with chibi tears. "Save Tobi!" The fish man looks slightly surprised.
"What'd you do this time Tobi?" The masked ninja sweatdrops a little.
"Tobi touched Deidara-sempai's art!"
"TOBI, YEAH!!"
"Gack!" Deidara catches up and starts strangling him.
"Don't touch my art, un!" He says shaking him for emphasis.
"T-Tobi understands!" He manages. "Tobi is a good boy,"
"Meeting in the living room," Itachi says monotonously as he passes the trio.
~Minutes later~
The entire Akatsuki is seated in the plush sofas that Kakuzu almost had a heart attack buying when he saw the price. He got them for half off and came home with another heart. Everyone else agreed never to talk about the incident ever again but it was on everyone's mind whenever they sit on the couches.
Anywho… Pein had an important announcement.
"As of twenty minutes ago, the Akatsuki is broke."
Cue collective gasp.
"It turns out that the bank of Under-Kakuzu's-Mattress wasn't as reliable as we thought it would be and somehow the money disappeared. We're either going to have to start selling the stuff around the hideout-"
"I VOTE WE SELL TOBI, YEAH!" Deidara says gleefully. Pein continues on like he hadn't said anything, but there's a noticeable anger vein on his forehead.
"Or we could get jobs. Suggestions are welcome," Tobi starts waving his hand around like a little kid in school.
"Tobi knows! Tobi knows!" The leader of the Akatsuki looks around but finding no other suggestions, is forced to pick Tobi.
"Go ahead," He says with a drawn-out sigh.
"Tobi thinks we could remake Christmas movies!" He says clapping his hands together, obviously pleased with himself. The vein grows bigger and he's about to say what a stupid idea that is but Kakuzu cuts him off.
"That's a good idea," He says pulling a clipboard out of no where.
"Huh?" Everyone but the stoic Uchiha says looking at the banker like he grew a second head.
"Movies make a lot of money. They're easy and cheap to make and they make a lot of money," He says dryly. "Plus, it being the Christmas season will work on our side as well,"
"Alright," Pein says pinching the bridge of his heavily pierced nose. "Does anyone have a suggestion for a Christmas movie we could redo?"
Surprisingly, several hands shot up.
"Frosty the Snowman,"
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,"
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas,"
"Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,"
"CHRISTMAS IS AGAINST MY F***ING RELIGION!" Hidan yells looking very upset.
"Hidan-san," Tobi scolds. "That's not a movie!" Facepalms all around.
"Alright, Kisame the Snowman…Tobi the Red Nosed Reindeer…How Itachi Stole Christmas…Konan Got Run Over by a Reindeer…" Kakuzu murmurs writing said names.
"Do we get any say in this?" Konan asks, slightly irked by the process of being run over.
"No," Pein says as he feels another headache coming on. "We need the money," She glares and he knows that he's going to regret asking for suggestions later.
"Meet back here in an hour for the filming of…Tobi the Red Nosed Reindeer,"
"YAY!" Tobi yells and goes to get his red nose. The rest of them sigh and go reluctantly to get in costume.
This is what they came up with after much heard work. The final result is like as follows:
The TV screen goes staticy before it clears up, focused on someone's toes.
"Is it on?" Zetsu asks. "Of course it's on stupid!" The camera turns around to show an annoyed Zetsu. "I hate cameras, I hate you!" The two sides glare and Pein sighs behind him.
"Just point the stupid camera at the actors. We need this money," He grumbles. The camera gets up set up right. It's pointed at a badly painted scene of what's supposed to be a snowy forest but just looks like some preschoolers had a field day with paint. The only things that are visible are the words "SANTA ISN'T REAL!" which have been crossed out and painted over many times. That and if you squint and you look up at the right corner, you can just barely make out two deer going at it. Hidan's personal touch.
"Tobi's ready!" He announces happily. Hidan says something under his breath as he starts talking, seeing as he's the announcer.
"Once upon a time there was a gay little f***er named Tobi. He was a reindeer and had a red nose," A happy Tobi bounces out into the camera's field of vision with a red nose on top of his mask with reindeer antlers. "He had a d**n shiny nose,"
Tobi's nose shines red a few times.
"But all the other gay f***ers were real $$holes and didn't let him play the reindeer games." Deidara comes up and whaps Tobi on the top of the head with a rolled up newspaper.
"We don't like you, yeah. You can't play with us,"
"Nou~" Tobi sobs exaggeratedly. Zetsu groans behind the camera.
"Lame,"
"Then it was f***ing foggier than pea soup in Maine and the fat $$ Santa came in, useless as always,"
Pein steps in to the shot wearing a Santa suit and pillows shoved into to make him look fat. Itachi wheels out the clothesline that is holding the forest scene to show a fireplace and a window with a snowman mooning everyone. Hidan strikes again.
"Tobi-it-is-too-foggy-for-us-to-see-the-way. You-must-guide-us-with-your-shiny-nose. It-is-the-only-way-for-us-to-get-the-presents-to-the-children-of-the-world. There-will-be-no-Christmas-with-out-you. Tobi-with-your-nose-so-bright-won't-you-guide-my-sleigh-tonight?" He says robotically.
"YES!" He says striking a dramatic pose. "TOBI TO THE RESCUE!"
"Yay," He says with absolutely no emotion as he walks off the 'stage'.
"Then Tobi the red nosed reindeer saved f***ing saved Christmas so all the little heathen children of the world could celebrate the holiday that never really existed while Santa went and had a three-"
"That's enough Hidan. We want to sell this movie," Kakuzu hisses giving him a dark glare.
"FINE!" He throws Tobi at the 'stage' and storms off to go make sacrifices to Jashin to make up for participating in the 'heathen holiday'.
O_O" Wow…that turned out interestingly. Next up *drum roll* Kisame the Snowman! Come laugh along with us as Kisame scares off all the little children and gets beat up by an old lady! YAAAY! Stay tuned.