Danny Phantom
Road to Ghost Hell
Chapter 5: The 'Jack'ass strikes!
A/N: This chapter and the next one are going to introduce a new sideplot for Stewie. I just came up with the idea a few days ago. I was originally going to make it a new story, but that's not going to happen. Instead, it will be the sideplot to this story, and I find it quite appropriate.
A/N: Plus, I'd thought that by now based on how the first chapter did that this story would already have thousands of hits. Then again, it's only been out for 2 weeks. And on top of that, it's already beating my other three PPG/FG crossover fanfics, so that's good. (They don't even have 200 hits yet, and this already has more than double that!)
Enjoy!
TV-PG-DLV
After Danielle's little ordeal with Peter, Lois took him into the house to treat his injuries, while she also took Danielle in for some hot chocolate after she saw Danielle crying after beating him up.
Soon after, the entire Fenton family joined her inside and shared some coffee and a couple of funny stories.
The only ones who weren't having a good time were Peter, Danielle, and Stewie (Danielle was still stressed over the incident, and now for beating Peter up for no reason, Peter for being beaten up, and Stewie for unknown reasons.)
"Here's that beer you asked for." Jack Fenton said as he came in from the kitchen and handed Peter a beer.
"Thank you, Jack." Peter replied happily before his attitude suddenly turned sour again. "Did she roughhouse with it?" He referred to Danielle. "Maybe have a little anal s-"
"PETER!" Lois blasted, afraid Peter would say something that would either offend the girl or confuse her. "I'm sorry, honey. Peter can be a little hostle when he's mad."
"What the hell happened back there?" Brian asked. "One minute he was cleaning the house with Stewie and the next he was being brawled down by some mutant."
"Yeah, um. We've been meaning to tell you this, but we weren't sure how you'd take it..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa buddy, if you're about to say you're a registered sex offender, then I don't want anything to do with you or your bastard familiy."
"Peter!" Lois blasted again. "Go ahead. You were saying, Jack?"
"Ooh, ok how do I say it. Um...well, it kinda has to do with my kids. So, get ready. Here it is."
Two minutes, twenty-three seconds later...
"And that's how we ended up here today."
"Wow, wow Jack. I had no idea."
"Yeah. And to this day, I'm still being hunted in Wyoming under the name of O.J. Simpson. They think I'm Asian."
"Whoa, that is big stuff, man. And, what about your kids, uh...what with them, uh..."
"Oh right, my kids. Well, my son and youngest daughter, Danielle and Danny, have ghost powers. I won't go into how they acquired them, but let's just say...it's sorta my fault. And I'll regret hurting them for the rest of my life."
"That's why I felt green stuff on my chest when your daughter beat the f#cking crap out of me." Peter said, rubbing his head. "I kinda thought I was having an erection. But then I thought to myself 'Hey wait a minute. The only time I get an erection is when I'm naked and looking at a prostitue's picture on the web'. So that didn't work. Then I thought-"
"PETER!"
"What? I said 'prostitute', not 'hot, sexy Asian chick'! That's Quagmire! Jeez, bite me, Lois!"
"Look, the point we're trying to make is," Jack said, comforting Danielle as she wiped tears from her eyes. "Danielle's a good-hearted, kind and loving soul who would never, ever try to hurt anyone on purpose. She just thought you were trying to hurt your son since you were holding him over the edge of the roof."
"Yeah, but Lois says it's okay as long as I'm not drunk. It's easier that way since I'm not as young as I used to be. But of course, it didn't seem that way to your daughter." Peter was beginning to get angry again, but not like when he was first beat up. "If she thinks I'm an abusive father who doesn't know right from wrong, then I don't see any reason to have this whore in my house!"
"PETER! She's gone through hell and back these past few weeks. She saw a child get hurt right in front of her! The least you could do is show a little bit of compassion. And if you can't even do that, then just shut up!"
"Well that still doesn't excuse her behavior, Lois!" Peter studdered, getting angrier by the second. "Lois, she pushed me off the roof and beat the crap out of me and didn't stop even after I was screaming in pain!"
"Peter, didn't you just hear a word these people said-"
"Lois, for god's sake, less questions and more shut the hell up! I'm not in the mood!" Peter was now clentching his fists tightly, even started to rip the cast holding his arm. "I'm gonna give this girl the beating of a lifetime when I get out of these bandages!"
"Look, I'm sorry. I would never hurt an innocent person on purpose! It just-"
"You're not allowed to speak! You've ruined everything!! You made me drop my boy on the ground after you brutally-"
"Wait, wait, Peter! Stewie! Where's Stewie? Oh my god, where's my baby boy?" Lois started panicking but was soon relieved when Stewie came through the open front door, pissed as all heck. "Oh my baby!! My beautiful baby boy!!"
"Hey, you whore." Stewie said angrily to Danielle. "Remember me? I'm the guy that the fatman was holding when you viciously attacked him. When you knocked him off the roof, I fell to the ground. And, uh....oh, this is where it gets good. You may have noticed there's a huge gash in my head." Stewie leaned his head forward to reveal a huge 3 1/2 - 4 inch cut in his head. Everyone in the room gasped, even Danielle. "Yeah. When I landed, my head smashed into some sort of spear that was sitting on the ground. Not sure whose it was, but it had the initials J.F on it. At first I assumed it was Justin Timberlake because of the J, but then I remember his last name, and the fact that there was a picture of some sort of creature on it."
"Oh dad..." Danny groaned, knowing clearly it was his dad's invention. Only he would be dumb enough to put a picture of a ghost on his own inventions, let alone his own initials..
"Oh, and guess what else. You may have also noticed-" Stewie turned his head to the left to reveal that his right ear...well, it wasn't there. "-You may have noticed I'm missing an ear! A Rottweiler came by earlier and managed to rip it off. Turned out to be Joe Swanson's Rottweiler. He can be quite hectic sometimes."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to inside of Joe Swanson's room, where he is polishing his wheelchair.
"This is my wheelchair!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. "My wheelchair is my best friend! Without me, my wheelchair is useless. Without my wheelchair, I am useless." Then his telephone rang. "Shut up!!"
"OK. Jeez, jackass."
(End Cutaway)
"Yeah, he bought the Rottweiler to keep watch outside his house when he's busy with...'other things'. He came along and tore my ear off. Grabbed it out of its mouth before it ran off and put it in an icepack I got from 7/11." Stewie then pulled out a cup and handed it to Danielle. "So when you ready to apologize or tell me what a filthy, stinking douchebag you are, just talk into this cup." Stewie handed her the cup.
"Oh Stewie! This is inexcusable!" Lois barked to Danielle, suddenly turning angry.
"Yeah, what if something had happened to Stewie!" Peter yelled.
"I have a life-threatening gash in my head and an ear in a plastic cup. What the hell do I gotta do to get some attention? Transplant a testicle?"
"Look, I didn't mean to hurt the little guy. It just looked like you were going to hurt him, and I can't bear to see kids get hurt-"
"You know, this is all because you've been hanging out with that Frank Sinatra guy. I am gonna call his mother, and you are gonna st--"
"Peter, Peter, stop. W-What the hell does Frank Sinatra Jr. have anything to do with this stuff?"
"Ah, sorry. Force of habit. I guess I haven't gotten over when you bit me in the arm after that time in the parking lot."
"Peter, I bit your arm in the house because I felt you and Lois were ganging up on me for living my life the way I wanted."
"Ohh. Well, then what was with the um...uh, the parking lot-"
"That was when you locked your keys out of the car."
"Oh yeah, I remember that. I was just getting off of Xanex, too."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to an semi-abandoned parking lot. Only a few cars were there, Peter's sedan being one of them. His keys were out of the car, but for some unexplainable reason, he wasn't. He had locked his keys out of the car and he couldn't get them back.
"Dammit. Uh, hey! Somebody!" He shouted through the window to try and get someone's attention. A bypasser went by without even glancing towards him. "Um, excuse me, sir? Sir? Ok sir? Sir, you see those keys? You see those keys? Sir? Sir! S-oh screw you!" He had finally given up trying to get his attention, and instead took a clothes hanger, took it apart, and slipped the little hook through the crack between the window and the top part. He moved it carefully to get to the keys. He finally did hook on the keys, but they fell off, and he accidentally let go of the hook.
"Waaaaaaahh!"
(End Cutaway)
Stewie went upstairs into his room to clean off his gash, since it became apparant that after that first glance at his gash, Lois didn't bother to take any action of it, Stewie decided to take matters into his own hands.
"Damn vile woman." He kept muttering to himself. "See a big gash in a baby's head, but do you do a damn thing about it? Noooo. No, you just sit there like the smug little tool you are and let me rot while I bleed internally to my death." He was attempting to put peroxide on his open wound with a cotton-ball. "What's next? You murder Jimmy Kimmel and blame it on that jackass Mickey Rooney? Alright, where're those bandages I keep in here?" Stewie took a quick look around and then up to a high shelf that had a box of bandages on it.
Evidnetally, without even thinking, he jumped up and in seconds, he was levatating. He then flew up to the box and grabbed it and brought it down to the floor. As he was getting the box open, he suddenly opened his eyes wide, and realized what he had just done.
"What the hell-" Stewie, perplexed, jumped into the air again and stayed afloat. "AHHHH! AHH! Oh god, oh god! AHH! I'm a monster!" He landed on the ground, and then proceeded to scratch his head. When he was done, he brought his hand to his face, and saw a green substance on it. He screamed again. "AAAAHHHH, What the hell has happened to me? Yesterday, I'm a 2-year old baby with matricidal thoughts of his mother and today, I'm a mutant. I must find out why!" Stewie ran over to his toy chest, where a baseball bat was sticking out. He pulled it towards him, and part of the wall opened up, revealing a titanium vault door. He walked up to what looked like a keypad, and punched in his entrance code, which was 0-2-9-3.
"I change it everytime the fatman changes his weight to remind me how much I hate that cow."
The doors opened, revealing another set of titanium doors, and this time, it was voice activated.
"Password?" Stewie's super computer, whom he named Karen for unknown reasons (an obvious parody of Spongebob Squarepants), said.
"Cool Hwhip. See? You didn't think there was a reason I put so much emphasis on the H? Thought I was just being a douche, huh?"
"Password accepted. Welcome back, Stewart." And like that, the doors swung open, and Stewie walked into his giant secret laboratory, filled with weapons, experiments, porn, ("Hey, don't say that, you bastard!!") and other freaky things a scientist would have in his lab.
"Good day, Karen." Stewie said dryly, walking up to the main control panel of his super computer. "How's your lover-boy, Sheldon, doing?"
"Oh, Plankton? That little tool? Ugh, same old, same old. Always has been for the past 25 years. Trying to steal the Krabby Patty secret recipe! Hey, why don't you try to steal the damn TV remote from under the floorboard!"
"Yes, yes, well tell him the next time you see him that Stewie says 'F#ck you'. He'll know what you mean."
"So, what's new with you?"
"Hmm, not much. Got dropped on my head, fatman being a moron again, and oh yes, this!" Stewie held up a needle that had green goop in it, the same green goop that he was bleeding moments earlier.
"Eww! What the hell is that green stuff??"
"Well, that's where you come in, Karen. I need you to analyze this stuff and tell me what it is." Karen ejected out from one of its cubbyholes a platform with a cup in it. Stewie squirted the green goop from the needle into the cup, and then pushed it into the hole. The supercomputer began analyzing it, and in seconds, it was finished.
"Wow, that was fast." Stewie said, after a ping was heard indicating the conclusion of the analyzation. "But then again, what do you expect from Optimum Online, right? It is the fastest internet service ever created? Well, that and Tylenol. So, what does it say?"
"Well, according to my analysis and records, this green substances is 100% pure ectoplasm energy."
"Elaborate."
"Ectoplasm is a green, almost enzyme like substance, is found only in the spectral form of an afterlife form. Also Known as , a ghost."
"Ghosts, eh? Hmm, you know now that I think about it, that invention of Jack Fenton's really makes sense now. It's just a shame that that man is retarded.
"OK, what are you babbling about now?"
"Oh, yes, you see, earlier I was cleaning cobwebs with the fatman, and out of nowhere, there's this girl that charges at him, and forces him to drop me. So I landed on this pointy thing that apparently belongs to that man, and it gives me this gash, and well, that's how I started bleeding that green ectoplasm."
"I see."
"So, if I'm correct, when that shard opened my head, it must've transferred stored up ectoplasm that would in normal cases overpower a ghost thus causing them to disassemble, but instead entered my bloodstream, diffusing into my body cells, and has given me this new found power, in layman's terms, turned me half ghost, just like that other ghost boy, Danny Phantom. And if I'm wrong, Karen, then please revise my will, saying that I'm leaving Chris my .45 calibar gun instead of Meg."
"You mean the same gun Jennifer Hudson's mother & brother were killed with."
"The very same."
"Sounds reasonable. She's my least favorite of the family, anyway."
"Yes, who doesn't fell that way? Well, if I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life, I should at least find out the extent of this new development. Prepare yourself, Karen. You're going to need all of your reserved power. We have a long night of training and research ahead of us."
So Stewie began the tests with a full body exam, which Karen administrated. She checked his heart beat, pulse, brain function, lung fuction, kidney function, all of the functions of the major organs. She also got a blood sample of him, and checked the concentration of blood cells, and ectoplasm cells. For him to be half ghost, there'd have to be a 50% concentration of blood cells, and 50% concentration of ecto-cells.
Right now, Stewie was at 11% ecto-cells, 89% blood cells. His currently ectoplasmic energy levels were unstable.
Stewie also stepped into a scanner that gave him an outline of his body, showing him the exact locations in his body where the ecto-cells were. He also did several other tests including hand prints, eye scanners, DNA samples, Google searches on 'Danny Phantom' and 'Ghosts'. All of this took a large portion of the night. Non-stop research, tests, etc.
Finally, at about 1:30 am the next morning, Stewie was nearly done with it all. His levels were now 50% blood cells & 50% ecto-cells. He was completely stable in his ectoplasmic energy.
"Ectoplasmic energy levels stable, sir." Karen said after hours of long tests.
"Excellent. Now there's absolutely no drawbacks to having this power." Stewie said, his voice now echoing full blast as he spoke. "Oh wow, that's one strong echo. Oh, and look at this, a white aura around my body. My god, I'm really starting to love this!"
"Well, that about does it for testing, right?"
"Not necessarily. The research I've done on that ghost boy shows that there are several spectral abilities that come with having this power infused with my DNA. But, we'll cover that tomorrow. I'm tired, tonight, and I've already got crows feet. Good lord, you stay up past 8:00 and you pay for it in the morning." Stewie yawned and then headed towards the exit of his lab. He climbed into his crib and began drifting off to sleep. "Don't wanna become a late-night owl, like Peter did back in his 30's."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to a drunk Peter Griffin coming into the front door of his house, holding a beer bottle. He heads straight up to bed, as it is 5:30 in the morning and he's very tired.
The next morning, he awakened at about 1:00 and walked downstairs, suffering from a hangover, to find a very angry Lois standing in the kitchen.
"Well good morning Peter." She said grinding her teeth. "How did you sleep?"
"Oh L-Lois, it's only you." He slurred, walking into the kitchen. "J-Just fine, L-Lois. How'd you sleep?'
"Oh like a rock. And then I woke up at about 7 and got ready for the damn Broadway Music of 'Mary Poppins' that you promised to take me too!" She started screaming, but got a hold of herself soon, and kept it to a dull voice of rage. "What the hell did you do last night?"
"Ima-Ima night owl, Lois." He walked around the table to behind her, his breath smelling of alcohol. "That's what night owls do. We party 'til we can't feel feelings anymore, and then we go home, -" He then proceeded to give a hard slap to Lois's butt. "-and smack the asses of the pigs we call wives and poor liquids into their butt cracks and take pictures of it naked and then post 'em on our myspace pages." He laughed. "Quagmire is so gross!"
"Peter!! How dare you!"
"What? I-It's not my fault that every damn night I have to come home to an u-un-unappealing w-wife that do-doesn't want me to live! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go meet Quagmire at the Clam." Peter proceeded to the back door, only to be stopped by a black policeman. "W-What the hell-"
"Peter Griffin?"
"Um, y-yeah?"
"You're under arrest for the assault of John Lennon and grand theft of the Drunken Clam."
"What!?" Peter was then put in handcuffs and led away to a police car.
"You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present at you in court. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be assigned to you. Do you understand and accept your rights as I have explained them to you?"
"Where do I splooge?"
"Do you, or do you now understand and accept these-"
"Look, I've got a stun gun and a pack of cigarettes in my back pocket, and I don't need your words to drive me to flip you off and grab them and kill you with! So just shut! The F#ck! up! Where do I splooge?"
(End Cutaway)
End of Chapter 5!
Next Time:
"Well, Karen, I must say, I'm even impressed with these discoveries, and it takes a lot to impress me, like when Will Ferrel tried to make amends with me by showing me that Christmas film, Elf, in Blu-Ray HD. But I guess now the only question is, do I use my new found power for the good of Rhode Island, or for my own personal gain? Eh, I'll flip a coin." Stewie took out a penny from his back pocket, and then flipped it up high into the air. The only problem with this, is that it didn't come back. 5 seconds...nothing. 10...nothing. 20...zip. 30...nadda. Stewie quickly grew very annoyed because it wasn't coming back, and because he was also slightly low on sleep from the previous night's testing. "Huh. Well that's new. Karen, remind me to never flip a coin again. And I ever become president of the US, I'll have to make a law banning coins from America."
Expected Update: Thursday, January 1st, 2009.