Danny Phantom
Road to Ghost Hell
Chapter 6: Stewie 'Snake' Griffin
Enjoy!
TV-PG-DLV
The next morning, about 7 am, Stewieawoketo the sound of soft giggling. He opened his weary eyes and saw Peter standing over his crib, with a big smile on his face.
"Fatman, what do you want? It's 7 in the morning. It's summer. Shouldn't you be at work?" Stewie asked groggily, still tired from last night's tests.
"Hey Stewie." Peter said in a baby tone.
"What?"
"Hi."
"Hello, you bastard."
"Whatcha' doin'?"
"Sleeping. What the hell kind of question is that? It is 8 in the morning. What the hell are you doing?"
"Nothing. But I did do something that I think you're gonna love." Peter grabbed Stewieoutof his crib and took him back into his room, where he showed him his computer that had a picture of Will Smith on it back when he was shooting 'Men in Black', as well as a description of him. "Remembr that girl that gave you those boo-boos yesterday?"
"Yes, Danielle Fenton. I remember her. She cause me my gash and my ear to be torn off." Stewie muttered to himself. And also gave me these strange new phenomenal powers.He thought to himself as he placed his hands on the desk, only to soon have them turn intangible, and phase through the desk. Stewie immediately saw this, and screamed. He took his arms out as they returned to normal. Peter luckily didn't see this and only thought he was cranky, which he was.
"Oh I know you're cranky, Stewie. But as soon as I'm done here, I'll put you back to bed. Check this out. I managed to sketch that girl showing off that big ass of hers, even naked sometimes, and then I post those on my facebook page and wrote a description saying what a prostitute she is."
"Oh yes. Nothing says 'revenge' like showing off a girl's as--wait a moment." Stewie took a closer look at the computer and was dumbfounded at what he read. "What the hell is this?This isn't even close to a description of her. This is a description of the events of the Oklahoma city bombings! And this is a picture of Will Smith back when he was filimg 'Men in Black'! Ugh, how does that happen?"
"See, Stewie?" Peter asked, once again ignoring himself. "I'm dictating her as a negro! Cool, huh?"
"Well in that scenario, why the hell didn't you just draw her and then color her skin brown instead of just putting up a picture of Will Smith? You're ruining his reputation instead of hers!"
"Stewie, this is just another one of your crazy schemes!"
"This was your damn work!"
"You'll find out."
"OK, now you're just not making any freakin' sense. I feel like hitting you with something metal now."
"You just leave that to me."
"Alright, you know what?" Stewiejumpedout of Peter's arms, fed up with his stupidity. "You stay here and make a complete moron of yourself. I am going back to bed." And with that, he struddedoutof the room and back to his, where he was about to climb into his crib when suddenly, when he jumped up and instead of landing back on the ground, he stayed afloat in the air, and his legs were replaced with a spectral trail coming from his waist. "AHHH, dear lord, what the hell is happening to me!?" He yelled as he tried to land on the ground, and his leg returned.
"Dammit all. Looks like naptime will have to wait." Stewie growled again as he headed towards the toy chest, and opened up his lab. He turned on the power switched which then activated the lights in his lab and his supercomputer. "Karen, open up the training room. I've got a day of training ahead. While I'm in there, I'd like you to do some extensive background research and analysis on 'Inviso-bill' different spectral abilities. It seems I've acquired some of them, but I must find out which ones. Oh and could you also send in a laté, three sugars? The fatman woke me up this morning and pissed me off big time! I got almost as pissed as the fatman did when that old lady ran him over."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to Peter just coming out of Joes house after a nice day of watching movies and drinking. He was about to head home when suddenly, a Voltswagon came up at about 70 miles per hour came up and hit Peter straight on as he was on the sidewalk. The driver gave no warning whatsoever, and left Peter screaming his head off as the person continued to drive on top of him, trying to get past him.
When it finally stopped, the driver stepped out of the car, and showed herself to be an elderly lady, about 87-89 years old, with a walker. She looked straight forward, not even noticing that Peter was on the floor, bleeding eternally. It was as if she didn't care.
"Excuse me, sonny." She said with a dry monotone, still talking forward. "Could you tell me where the drug store is? I need my daily dose of meth."
"What the hell is wrong with you!? You stupid, twisted skeeze! If my kneecap wasn't broken and bleeding I'd come over there and kick your ass!" He shouted, pointing to her in hopes of getting her attention. All she did was stare out into space. Then she turned her head to face Peter. "Finally-"
"Shut up, you fat piece of f#ckingsh#t. I'm talking with someone here."
"You're talking to ME! You stupid old whore!"
"OK, you asked for it." She then took out a .22 calibar, and shot Peter twice in the shoulder, causing him to scream even louder. "Now, Main street, you say?"
"What!? I didn't say no street? Are you retarded or something!?"
"Ok then. Main street it is." The lady stepped back into the car, and hit the gas pedal, and once again ran over Peter, leaving him screaming even louder than he's ever screamed before. Then in a fit of rage, he pulled out one of the bullets lodged in his shoulder, and threw it and one of the tires of the car. It then went flat, and in a panic situation, the old lady steered a right turn, and then ultimately crashed right into Cleveland's house. For the next few minutes, Peter layed there on the floor, groaning in pain and holding his knee (similar to what he did in the episode Wasted Talent.)
(End Cutaway)
So Stewie spent the next couple of hours in his training room, testing out his new powers. His supercomputer had printed out several pages listing the various ghost powers that Stewiecould have access too. Due to his very young age and still developing body structure, the only powers Stewie did not have were the Ghostly Wail, and any powers involving Cyokinesis (Ice Powers).
"Alright, Karen," Stewie growled, gearing to test out his brand new body. "Let's get this underway." He held up the papers. "It says here the first spectrailability I have access to is the power of levitation. Now I just concentrate, and-" Stewieclosedhis eyes and took a deep breath. Then, he jumped off the ground and did not touch back down. He was floating in mid-air, and was immediately intrigued. "My god, this is incredible! This'll make history! Not like the founding fathers."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to the founding fathers sitting around in a meeting hall, ready to sign the declaration of independance.
"OK, we are here to sign this declaration of our independence." One of them said outloud to the entire room. "Before we do so, let's take roll call. Thomas Jefferson?"
"Here!"
"Benjamin Franklin?"
"Present!"
"John Footpenis?"
"It's Hancock now!"
"Why?"
"Mind your business, that's why!"
(End Cutaway)
Stewie rose back into the air, and started flying around, gradually gaining speed as he did so. He flew around in several circles for several minutes, and after about the 12thcircle, he rose up as high as he could, and then flew directly across the room, witha radar gun sticking out of the wall, indicating his speed.
"What's it say, Karen?" Stewie asked his computer.
"89 mph, sir. Not bad for a first timer."
"Yes, and I'm sure I'll just get even faster, just like the fatman will get even more retarded. Pretty soon, he'll probably advertize a live suicide attempt as a pain reliever and then get run out of the states."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to an open street in Quahog. It's a busy street filled withlotsof pedestrians. They are all minding their own businessuntil suddenly, Peter, who is standing on the curb, along with a guy of a different religion standing on a 2 1/2 ft platform and a noose tied around his neck, pulls out a blowhorn and starts yelling into it.
"Attention, jackasses of Rhode Island!" He yelled. "What I am about to show you will change the way you think of us. Observe! A Jewish guy! Just your ordinary working man. 5'11'', very nice build, the works. Making less than minimum wage, working 70 hours a week, an abusive wife that's 388 pounds overweight, 12 kids addicted to heroin and crack, and just recently having his parents and siblings die in a house firing along with his $290,000 in life savings, and to top it all off, he was recently in a car accident and forced on a liquid diet, where he dropped from a slim 176 pounds to skeletal 145 pounds, and his wife blames him for it, when clearly, the evidence shows the other guy, who, for the record, died on the spot, was at fault! And after going through all of that, he still does not have the decency to try and end it. But, with my quicker-fix it solution, he'll never feel pain again."
"Ooh, wow. Cool. This seems promising." Some of the pedestrians immediately began speculating positive things for this.
"Now, as you may clearly see, this man is standing on this platform, with a rope around his neck. Now this rope is attached to a hook twenty-five feet above. Now when I give the go ahead, this man will jump off the platform, and the noose will take effect. Now, this noose will stretch out those stressed out arteries in his neck, which will cause them to expand in size, and stablizeblood flow through his neck and head. Then, after a long period of time, the other arteries in his body will also begin smoothing out, allowing easier blood flow which will ultimately reduce stress and likelyhood to suffer a heart attack or a stroke."
The pedestrians began cheering as Peter was ready to unleash his new 'toy'.
"OK, go!"
Peter gave the man a thumbs-up, and within seconds, jumped off the platform. The noose broke his face and began choking him to death. Peter simply believed this was all part of the scheme. The tourists began worrying.
"It's alright, it's alright. Thisi sssimply the processof stressrelease. As the noose catches his neck, it'll soothhim into a state of a deep sleep, allowing the smoothing of the arteries to accelerate at a faster pace. In just seconds, I swear, he'll open his eyes and cheer for us. OK? Wake up, Frank." Peter tapped the man's head gently, hoping he'd open his eyes. Unfortunately, he did not. In face, his eyeballs rolled into the back of his head and his face went pale. Peter started shaking him. "Wake up, sleepy head." He put his head to the man's chest and did not hear a heartbeat. "Oh boy. Uh-oh, this is not good. Oh god." Peter was quickly surrounded by the pedestrians, who started taking out guns and weapons. "Um, if it makes any of you feel any better, that-that wife of his that was abusive and morbidly obese...I raped her 17 times last year in less than 24 hours! Ha? Haa? AHHHH!" And at that point, they all started chasing Peter around the city.
(End Cutaway)
Meanwhile on the outside world, the Fentons were going off on their usual day: working on inventions, cleaning in the house, comforting Danielle in her stressed-out state.
That mood soon went from bad to worse. There was a knock on the door, and Danielle got up to answer it. It turned out to be Brian.
"Uh, hey there, um, Danielle, right?" He asked, a bit of nervousness in his tone of voice.
"Yeah? What are you doing here?"
"Um, yeah about that...remember yesterday when you viciously attacked my master, Peter, on the roof? You know, cleaning the cobwebs?"
"Uh-huh..."
"Well, he's pretty P.O'edaboutit. So, if you could just...not step out of the house for the next couple of days...and um, whatever you do, do not look up into the skies...too late!" The sound of a n airplane engine was heard on the ground. Brian, Danielle, and now Danny as well, looked up into the skies to find a small airplane going acrossthe sky, with a long, white tag that had a perfectly drawn picture of Danielle in a prosituteoutfit, withthe words 'Russian Hooker just moved into town. If found, please stay away from. Can be easily angered, smells really funky, and looks like a younger version of Jamie Lynn Spears without the penis' running across it. Then it had a picture of Peter giving the middle finger at the end of it.
Danielle and Danny were bothhorrified and confused. Brian remained cool and collective because...well frankly, he has to deal with Peter's crap 24/7 and he's gotten quite used to it by now. "Don't worry. He usually only does these things once and for a day. By tomorrow, this'll be old news, and the new news'll be rumors of you having gotten laid by Colin Ferrell. He makes a bad habit of saying the wrong things at the worst possible time, like when he tried to teach the wonders of cloning to the Russians."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to an auditorium filled with thousands of people, with Peter giving a presentation about the process of artificial cloning. He was very nervous considering that his every word would be caught on TV. He was also very careful of what he wore. (He was told not to wear anything offensive to Russians to this presentation. Ironically, he came in wearing a shirt that had the N-word on it, with a giant middle finger on the front of it, with the word under it.
"So as you can see by these diagrams," Peter began, pointing out to the various pictures of the cloning process up on his projector. "Artificial cloning is a very complex medical procedure. It requires all sorts of DNA samples: hair, skin, teeth, urine, and feces."
"What was that last one?" A bypasser yelled.
"Urine? Uh, anyway, cloning is not only scientifically difficult and unpredictable, but it also against the law. But enough about politics. Yes folks, cloning is highly unpredictable. Even though it may be an exact replica of a person, it may never have the same life of that person. After all, everybody knows that there are 3 life masses that may never see puberty: clones, robots, and Russians!" Peter laughed at his statement, thinking his was not only scientific, but funny too. Unfortunately, what he failed to realize was that he was giving this presentation in Russia, and that his 37,000 people audience was actually filled with Russians. They were all angered by this statement and immediately pulled out guns on him. "Uh-oh." Upon hearing them loading their guns and shotguns, Peter ran out of the room.
(End Cutaway)
After 5 strenuous hours of intense research and training, Stewiehadfinally unlocked the potential of his new powers. He had tested out his intangibility, invisibility, flight, ghost ray, super strength, and his ability to overshadow different life forms and control their every action.
"Well Karen, I think for now we're done." Stewie said, wiping his brow after finishing the tests. I must say, this has been one hell of a day. I've gotten undead powers, the fatmangot his asskicked by an adolescent, and best of all, with my newfound powers, I'll be the big news in town, even bigger than the Caylee Anthony disappearance! Then again, nothing tops the incident of last Fourth of July."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cut to the open skies on the 4th of July. Nothing exciting is going on except for fireworks being shot into the skies. One firework in particular, however, has a naked Quagmire hooked onto the string at the end of it. Somehow Quagmire got tied up in it and is now flying through the skies, screaming. When his rocket exploded, it exploded into thousands of tiny stars that formed the word 'Erection' in the sky.
Peter, ironically, was the one who unleashed the rockets, and when he saw this, he freaked out, though it was for all the wrong reasons. "Oh come on! I ordered the blue rockets and they sent me pink instead!"
(End Cutaway)
After all the tests were completed, Stewiedecidedto go out and explore the world with his new found abilities, and immediately went to picking out his costume.
"And you're doing this because..."
"Because, Karen, I'm ready to give Rhode Island a piece of my mind. I'm just about sick of that idiot Mayor West running this town! 'Fraid of Zombies, eh? Well here's a tip, dumbass! They do not exist! They're just a figment of their imagination! With my new power, I'll overthrown that bastard and recreate this town into what I want! Now," He held up two costumes in his hands. The one in his left hand was a Black-suited Spiderman costume (The one from the movie) and in his right hand, a Darth Vader costume. "Now I'm trying to decide which costume to wear. Which do you think? The Symbiote Spiderman or the Darth Vader one?"
"Well, to be honest, both costumes look incredibly gay."
"Oh, you think everything and everyone looks gay, like Donna Teller from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can't decide which to wear. So, like most Americans, the boys, girls, and the Portuguese, I'll settle this dispute by flipping a coin." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a coin. He then flipped it into the air, and then tilted his head back to see where it went since he flipped it so high. Instead, it came down so fast that it accidentally went down his throat and he swallowed it. He began choking, and his computer had to send out a mechanical fist and punch him hard in the stomach to make him cough it up. "Oh god!" He yelled, panting really hard. "OH why the hell do they make these out of metal! Why don't they make them out of copper so we babies don't choke on them!"
"That's because babies aren't supposed to be playing with coins in the first place!"
"Oh shut up, Karen! You think you know everything." Stewie scoffed, putting down the DarthVader costume down. "I'll go with Spiderman, since I remember wearing the Darth Vadar one during last Halloween. That was the year the fatman was arrested for attempted petty theft on Quagmire."
"Good choice."
"Now there's just one more thing to decide. Should I use my new powers for the good of the community, or just for my own personal gains. Eh, I'll flip another coin." Stewie took out another coin and then flipped it into the air. This time, though, instead of it coming down and choking him, it simply didn't come down at all. Stewiestayed there for a few minutes, looking up to the ceiling, his attitude quickly turning negative as the seconds passed. "Huh? Well that's new. Usually, it comes down and chokes me to death. Oh well, I'll decide depending on the situation. Now, to make this official..." Stewie proceeded to put on the spiderman costume. "Karen, do you think I should wear the mask?"
"No."
"Yeah, I didn't want to, either." Then he pulled out a remote and pressed the button on it, and out popped a small, red chamber from the ground. "Hey, what the hell? Where's my blue transformation chamber?"
"Oh I'm having it cleaned in the E.R.?"
"Well, what for?"
"Your father stumbled in here days ago."
"What!?"
"Don't worry, he thought it was Toby Keith's house. He had to make stool so he mistook the chamber for a porta-potty."
"How could you-how do you mistake something that doesn't have a seat for a porta-potty!? Oh I don't understand him anymore." Stewiestepped into the chamber wearing the black suit, and had it closed. Then, with a flash of light, he stepped out in his regular outfit. "Alright, if this worked, then I should have full control over my new powers, being able to transform into my alter ego anytime I wish." Stewieput his arms to his side, and focused all of his energy on his transformation. Then, with another light flash, a red-orange ring formed around his body, and split into two, traveling up and down his body, turning his outfit into his Spiderman outfit.
"Eureka! I've done it! I am now half-boy, half-ghost, also known as Dick Cheney! No, but seriously: From this day forth, my ghost half shall be referred to as 'Snake' Griffin! Yes, yes, Snake. I like that, Snake. God, right now I feel just like that Alien from 'American Dad' that has the many personas that make him look like a drunken fool."
"Is that the show with the mediocre rock star singer whose secret identity is that of a whore who got pregnant off-screeen?"
"No, that's Hanna Montana. And the actress you're thinking of is Jamie Lynn Spears, the star of that crappy sitcom 'Zoey 101'. God, first they make 'Zoey 101', the next thing you know, that ex-prostitute Miranda Cosgrove gets her spin-off series. Pff! She'll be pregnant before the end of Season 2!"
End of Chapter 6!
A/N: I'm in an inner debate whether to put this fanfiction on hiatus or not, because I just recently came up with a brand new fanfiction series for Family Guy, called "Family Guy's Road Trip" where the cast of Family Guy takes a trip around the Cartoon World while Brian is on a road trip with Frank Sinatra & Stewie promoting classical music. But even if I do put this on hiatus, unlike my PPG/FG series, I will return to this one because it is a good story and I want people to have time to absorb it.
But in the meantime...
Chapter 7 preview:
Jack pleads to Peter to help Danielle destress before it keels her over. Meanwhile, Stewie unleashes his new ghost powers to the world.
Family Guy's Road Trip Expected Publish: January 29th.
Chapter 7 Expected Update: Sometime in late April, early May.