A/N: Yes, the pranking Emmett from Twilight returns! You know you wanted him too! (Read Intertwilight please--it's pretty good.) The first scientific myth he'll test--girls and spiders. bet you can guess what happens.

Disclaimer: Let me go dig out my birth certificate and check...WHAT! MY NAME IS SECRETLY ISABELLA MARIE SWAN? I NEVER KNEW! Well, it isn't Stephenie Meyer...so be satisfied and begone with you. Now read on!

Emmett's Log: Case 1 (A/N: I have removed all the spelling errors from his account, because it bugs me to write that way...and I wanted you guys to be able to read it. Enjoy. ;D)

So I was sitting in English last week--the one class I have without anyone else--and someone screamed.

I mean, this mousy brown-haired girl just jumped out of her chair and screamed! It was earsplitting, the sound went on and on until the person sitting next to her looked (another girl, positively homely next to my Rose) went to look. Then she started screaming, and everyone came over to look, and the teacher kept calling for order but was drowned out because when they saw what it was all the other girls started screaming.

So then, naturally I had to go and see what it was, and I pushed my way to the front of the crowd. (Super vampire strength is useful sometimes, not like I couldn't have done it before.)

And, get this--all there was was a little brown spider! Perfectly harmless! Even for a ridiculously fragile human!

I may have made some small sound of disbelief (okay, a big giant snort) and some guy that I didn't know the name of (why would I know his name? It's never going to matter) looked at me and said, "Didn't you know? It's a universal fact that all girls hate spiders."

Hmmm...this sounds like a job for Professor Emmett! Da da duh!

Well, the first step I took was to get the proper materials. I pretended I went hunting (I blamed Bella, works for Edward, why not me?) and went to the pet store instead (mm, some variety) and purchased the cutest tarantula! It was big and furry and had bands of irridescent gold and blue and such cute big black beady eyes! Who's the little snookum...

Ahem. I decided to save Bella for last, figuring she would be the most stereotypical human reaction. I decided to do Esme first, since I could hear her humming in the living room...cleaning most likely. Even though the house is already spotless! I mean, seriously, doesn't she have better things to do?

Like what, you ask? What is there to do in a town like Forks? Well, I could teach her to play video games...

I decided, for dramatic effect, that I would just put little Goldie (I named her) on top of my head and act completely unaware, the best for a reaction. Now for the test...

"Hi, Esme," I said cheerfully, doing my best clueless act as I looked at the living room. She was dusting, which was weird how there could be so much dust since according to my science teacher dust was made from dead skin cells and vampire's skin didn't come off... "Looks good."

She smiled and looked up, saying, "Thank you, sweet--"

And then she screamed.

Now, I'm assuming you've never heard Esme scream. If you think Rosalie or Alice are bad, you should try Esme. She's careful not to scream with any humans around, though, because it shatters their fragile eardrums. Right now, she just shattered all the windows in the house.

"What is that--that THING!" she screeched, taking out a priceless vase from the Ming dynasty. And the crystal chandelier. "I'll save you, Emmett! Just hold still!"

She raised the duster like a warrior and let out a battle cry that shattered all of our crystal and glassware, not to mention the cabinet we kept it in, and if I hadn't moved would have smashed poor Goldie into blood and entrails. Esme kept going, unable to stop, and slammed into the floor created a duster smashed to bits and splintered pieces with a giant rift in the floor. She fell into it,

and I scooped Goldie off my head and ran for it. This part of the experiment was over.

"COME BACK HERE EMMETT!! I HAVE TO KILL THAT THING!!" Esme yelled as I hightailed it out of there. Time to get the other's reactions.

Alice and Rose were, as this being a weekend (I had already had that classroom experience), shopping. Normally Jasper and I did guy things (videogames, extreme sports, vacationing in exotic tropical places with hot girls) and of course, hunting every other weekend.

I followed their scent, luckily not having to go in some of the more questionable stores they had gone in. some of the clerks gave me questioning looks, the females appraising, some a little weirded as I lingered by the doors of fancy girls boutiques and sniffed the air.

I followed the trail and then paused...damn. The Victoria's Secret mannequins, dressed and parading some of their lacy lingerie, seemed to mock me as I realized the trail ended here. i would have to go in there to find them.

But, hey, at least i would get some other women as a test result...

I didn't put Goldie on my head again until right before I found them, for the full effect. No need for other screams to tip them off. They knew i was coming, of course, they could sense me, but apparently shopping was more important.

I got to the aisle and plopped Goldie on my head before striding down as if nothing was wrong. Rose glanced up, giving a save-me expression before she caught sight of the thing on my head. I bet if Edward was here, he would have winced at her thoughts.

"EMMETT!! WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?!" she screeched, causing every patron in the store to look over in interest. This was going to be good.

I decided to play clueless again. "Huh? What do you mean?"

"THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD!!" A few people outside the mall turned to look two; a few of the salesclerks were hurrying our way. Rose picked up a mannequin and threw it at me, I dodged easily. Alice, her interest finally piqued, glanced up. "What? Emmett got himself a pet. It's not worth missing this lingerie sale." She went back to her shopping. I laughed out loud, trust Alice not to remember to be scared of spiders when there was shopping to be done. She was nearly always the exception.

By now a few of the other patrons had spotted Goldie, and had joined their shrill screams to Rose's. One lady actually fainted, revealing her black Victoria's Secret lingerie. Not a sight I wanted to see.

By now rose had picked up something else, namely one of the clothing racks (not the one Alice was looking at, or she would have had a lot more to contend with) and threw it at me. I slid Goldie off as I dodged and ran out of the store, using my vamp speed so Rose wouldn't catch up. I needed to get the last test done before I even thought about facing her.

Bella and Edward were at their special clearing, and normally I wouldn't dream of interrupting (I like both of my arms where they are, thank you), but I had to finish the experiment. i was looking forward to Bella's reaction. Maybe she'd try to run away and fall down.

I wasn't thinking about what would happen after on purpose, we were in a deserted place and he could run faster than i could. Maybe he would have to tend to Bella first...this pissed people up almost as much as a good prank. Maybe I should plan more experiments.

Edward was just lying there, sparkling, while Bella very gently stroked his face. Sheesh, someone needed to teach them how to have fun. Emmett style...

The wind blew against my back and Edward stiffened, up and whirling in an instant. I cussed. I had to get there before he saw the--damn, I forgot he could read my thoughts--so I all-out sprinted. Bella, startled, had moved back and asked anxiously, "Edward, what's wrong?"

"Emmett being an idiot, love," he replied, flashing his trademark crooked grin at her as she melted. "We'll see what he's up to soon enough."

I got there in another second and put Goldie atop my head, from where I had cupped her safely behind my back. I stopped right before Bella, Edward stiffened but made no move to attack. "Hey Bella, hey Edward," I said as cheerfully as I could. Now to wait until she notices it--

"Eeek!" Bella exclaimed, falling back onto Edward.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked anxiously, eying me with hostility. I practiced my wide-eyed innocent look. Then he caught a good look at the spider on my head. "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!"

he shrieked. Edward retreated from Bella and scrambled to his feet, turning and sprinting away as fast as he was able.

That was funny. Perfect Edward, afraid of spiders? That was good for a few centuries of teasing, at the very least. Not to mention all the pranks...

Before my mind could wander any further, I pulled Goldie off and waved to Bella with my free hand. "Bye, Bella!" I called to her distraught form. "Edward should be back soon!" Then I dashed off, to feed Goldie. She deserved it, with all her hard work.

When I got to my room I put Golide back on my head, just for fun. Rose wasn't there, which was good. I needed to get Goldie settled and explain it to Rose so she didn't accidentally-on-purpose destroy her.

Goldie started twitching atop my head, but I figured that was normal for spiders. Then I felt something wet, and a bunch of little...scurryings. uh-oh.

Then I felt prickling as five baby spiders scurried down me to the floor, while Goldie collapsed against my head in exhaustion. I tried to catch them (after removing her carefully first) but they were so damn fast! They scurried off to corners of the room, places I couldn't reach and couldn't find. Damn! The person at the pet store didn't tell me she was pregnant!

When Rose finds out I'm going to be even deader than I already am...

Hehehee...poor Emmett. Sorry that took so much longer, it was a lot of typing. I've got a great idea for the next chapter, so review if you want to read it! The next chapter to Intertwilight should be posted soon...I'm halfway done. As always, R&R...

Your suggestions are appreciated...I may run out of ideas. And expect a memo about my new Save the Mountain Lions Club! You know you want to join!