A/N: Welcome, all, to the seventh chapter of Ramblings of a Twilighter! I thought I'd give you all another one of my junk poems, considering that's probably why you started reading.

And here's the clincher on this one: it's not merely mocking twilight, it's mocking fanfic's version! (My apologies, to people who have stories along these lines. It's not like I don't like them, it's just that there's a lot of them, and everything there is too much of MUST BE MOCKED!!) Hehe. Sorry about that.

Disclaimer: If I were Stephenie Meyer, do you think I would be a half gigantic fan and half cynicist who writes about it? Well, perhaps ... believe what you may.

On the Art of a Twilight Cliche

Edward the player's out with the guys

Some days he's bad-boy druggie clubbin',

And others he's just bored and hides his "sensitive self"

Away with his piano

Beneath messy bronze hair and a well-sculpted face

And a desire to "do."

Sometimes Bella's the goodie sometimes she's not

Been messed up depressed up

A klutz, a geek

An Emo, a freak

Popular, but still shy

Just another little girl inside, about ready to cry

Whether she's been there or has yet to go

All Bellas need an Edward to show

Whether it's love or whether it's hate

Or maybe he's come just a little too late

There's always someone in her thoughts

Bookworm, goth girl,

Love on her mind.

Emo Jasper screaming at the wall

HIs wife won't let him go to Hot Topic for his black eyeliner

Or maybe he's the quiet one, the dreamer

The guitarist, but never the singer.

Always the nice one, the sensitive

Bella's protector but never her brother

Bella's best friend but never her lover.

Or maybe Jasper the prankster,

Conned in by Emmett

Always getting his

From Edward and Alice.

Prank-loving Emmett, the vamp

Sometimes with Jasper and sometimes against

Sometimes with pink and Hannah's CDs

Sometimes a human the football team's muscle

Bella's big strong brother, humbled only by Rosalie.

Hardly ever serious, never

Losing his love for muscles, Rose, and videogames.

Pretty-pixie Alice,

Wearing only the best

And on a diet

All-sugar, all the time

Maybe she's like one of those little wind-up toys

That just never winds down?

Bella's BFF, the trio of popularity

The extrovert, the new girl

Edward's sis and Jasper's world.

Fire to his water,

Bull-terrier who never lets go

Pixie with powers, you'd better watch

Out.

The fashion adviser, whether they like it or not,

Knows all about love, except for herself.

Lovely Rosie

The haute couture of bitch

Rarely sympathized with, at least as a vampire

Otherwise that shy irresistible mechanic

With only Bella and Alice in the world

Or maybe one of the popular three, guess what part

She is?

Human it's Emmett

All the time anywhere

Not afraid to flaunt him

But when he messes up?

She's out of there.

Otherwise their relationship

Is quite a piece of work

An overgrown boy

And a bitter old girl.

He plays, she hits

He screams, she relents

She sulks, he tries

To win her back.

When it comes to love,

It's a good thing

She has him.

Esme the mother

Loves both her pretend sons and her daughters

Gives to Bella, too

You'd think since she doesn't bark

There's no bite to be found,

But if you read some more fanfic

You're wrong on both accounts.

There's an Esme out there who could rival Alice for voice,

The house her daughter's wardrobe

With cookies, of course.

Carlisle's there, the two mature parents

They have their fights, too,

And sweet romantic moments,

But through all of it you know

There isn't any way

That Esme's looking for love.

And of course we have Carlisle

The calm father figure,

So angelic

He can spend every day of his eternity

Steeped in the scent of human blood.

He likes to rap, to roleplay, to be obsessed

With cleaning,

To have

The most embarrassing secrets,

Excepting, of course, for Edward and

Emmett.

Acts like a father, best ever doctor,

Afraid of squirrels sometimes,

Mocked for his accent

Taken in

By pranking Emmett and crazy

Aro.

Esme's his life, though he sometimes forgets

But never over another, just over a mess

They've had their fights and sweet touches,

A team

And more than that, a pair

Of people who know the true meaning of

'Together forever.'

Meet the Twilight crew, the cast

If you will,

Of so many stories,

Fluffy and terrible and pranking and sick,

Bella and Edward's problems

For the world to see.

Go crazy with them, use what's already been done

And build, a crazy caricature

Of a family stuck together for far too long.

Or maybe a new meeting, sweet little humans

With their high school and college dramas and traumas.

Or maybe

Something new,

Audacious

Daring to defy

The standards of Twilight, set

By the fanfics of people

Just like you.

Okay, not quite sure what happened ... but I liked it. You people better review after this! My first two chapters in forever and only two reviews, and they're from new people! Thank you very much, by the way. You know who you are.

If you want to see what quirky thing silly old me will come up with next, you'd better review ... I think I'll hold the next chapter hostage and you have to pay ransom. I demand five reviews, at least. Is that so much to ask?