Chapter 15

Mariah heard Leif and Michael howling with laughter in the next room as Leif had been reading from something she couldn't quite make out. Occasionally, she would hear Michael ask what a certain word was and Leif figure it out, but outside of that, Mariah figured it was some boyish thing and thought nothing more of it.

When they had gone upstairs to hang out in Leif's room, it hadn't taken long for Mariah to figure out what had been so amusing to the two of them.

Brian had been ticketed for parking in a handicapped space a few days before and been irritated about it; along with the $260 fine, he had been instructed to write an essay and turn it in to the courthouse by the following week.

Mariah now spotted the "essay" on the desk where the boys left it, presuming Brian had carelessly left it out in the open to begin with where Leif could easily spy it. Little hairs began to raise on the back of her neck as she began to read:

Dear Judge (name omitted),

I wish I really knew what to say in six pages about handicapped parking. Yeah, I didn't see the wheelchair parking sign, it was rubbed off, you should work on getting that repainted before pinning other poor bastards like myself, The Brian Kendrick.

I guess it's kind of a shitty thing to do, restricting those seriously impaired with disabilities from parking so much closer to the restaurant then us lazy 'normal-folk'… like they couldn't wheel their asses just THAT much further! Anyway, I'm trying to make a point here, I forgot. Why don't normal folks get close parking spaces too? Do you think we enjoy walking extra to do things?

I'm a grown man with a nine year old son and twin daughters on the way; I only have so much energy, Judge! Honestly, I think everyone should walk the same distance, but I could just be one of many Americans, who might just be lazier and less sincere then the rest. This probably isn't helping my case at all, but I mean, I paid the 260 dollar fine, what else do you want from me? My firstborn?

What would you do if a handicapped person parked in one of us 'normal-folks' parking spaces? Hmmm? Probably nothing! Am I right? I bet I am. I'd bet my firstborn but you already want that.

As you can tell, I'm not your average Joe. I pay my taxes, but your handicapped parking paint jobs suck so much hairy ass, it's not even funny. Yes, I said hairy ass.

So Judge, tell me, have you ever parked in a handicap space by accident? I bet your wife has. Or your son. Or your granddaughter. Did you make them write a fucking six-page essay? I'll bet you didn't. Jerk. I wouldn't make my own son or even my cat do this bullshit.

You realize I still have five pages to go? I'll bet you'll read the first paragraph and get sick of me. Would you like me to do a dance? I can do a space-dance if it counts as part of the essay.

Does that count? I hope the fuck so, cause I'm a busy man, Judge, I've got stuff to do. I'm a WWE Entertainer, I travel, I wrestle nearly every night, I made more money wearing a Speedo in my day then you'll ever make wearing your robe and swinging your little fucking… hammer thing. I'd like to hit you with that mallet, but, I don't want an assault charge as well. This one's already bullshit.

Is your wife hot? Just a serious question, I don't think she is, cause if she was, you wouldn't be so bitter, making a grown man write an essay like some high-school dropout caught in an MIP scandal… oh yes, Judge… I went there.

I have another question, do judges wear anything under those robes? You probably don't, so you can be like the Flasher, right? I bet you wear it at home in bed for role playing… you sick, sick man.

Still got four and a half pages to go. I'm yawning as I type this, it's boring. If I slept with you, could I get out of this? I really will. I'm still a hot blond with a good body (at least the wife thinks so; I knocked her up twice anyway). I think it'd be your homosexual fantasy come true.

I've got big friends, you know. Big, wrestling, steroid-taking friends. I could sic them on you, I just kind of don't like the idea of jail, I'd go in a tight-end and leave a wide-receiver. I kind of like my ass how it is.

Is a jury going to read this? If so, I did not have sexual relations with this judge, guys, I just would, if it got me out of a fine and writing anymore of this boring ass essay.

Have you ever been with a man, Judge? I bet I could rock your world. Nine inches. I bet you're a bottom. If I called you pig boy, would you get offended? Just a question. You'd kind of need to brush your teeth first. I bet you bite, and I don't want scabies.

Am I done with this fucking essay yet? I'm supposed to be talking about handicapped people, but what is there to talk about? They have closer parking, those fucking bastards, why should I feel sorry?

Look! More space-dancing! Hammertime! Peanut butter, jelly time! Yeah!

Well, that passed about six lines.

Maybe if I keep typing one sentence at a time.

Or better yet, one word!

Fuck.

This.

Essay.

I'm sorry, that was completely inappropriate. And now I can stop acting like I care!

Well, I can't think of anymore to say. I'm sorry I parked in a holy motherfucking parking space. Paint it over so no one else has to suffer through this. I'd rather get stabbed forty times in the face with an ice pick then type another one of these.

I hope you enjoyed reading! I hope you get those that stick up your ass taken out!

Xxx

That's The Brian Kendrick to you.

"BRIAN!" Mariah yelled.

"What?" he called back before coming where she was.

She held up the paper. "What the hell is this supposed to be?"

"Oh, thanks. I forgot to mail that. I showed it to Paul and he about pissed himself."

"I can see why. Surely you are not serious about sending this."

"Why not? I couldn't think of anything to say about handicapped parking so I ranted instead."

"And you're going to end up behind bars at this rate. Maybe I better learn to make file cake and inform Montana we should begin raising bail money early."

"Hey, PL liked it. What were you doing looking at it anyway?"

"You left it out and the boys found it. Evidently they were entertained too, which I wouldn't minded had it not been for the graphic content and language."

"Jesus, Mimi, it isn't like they were reading Penthouse. They're not exactly totally in the dark about sex and eight year olds drop the F bomb in school."

"Well, if your son or Michael starts dropping it, there's going to be issues." Mariah shot him a stern look. "Mon and I are trying to raise them to be decent boys, not hoodlums."

"I'll keep that in mind and make sure Leif doesn't turn into a killer. I can't guarantee anything about Mikey, though; given who he has for a father."

"Don't be funny. You know what I mean."

"Where is my budding devil spawn anyway?"

"He and Michael are up in his room."

"Ahh, planning more mischief. That's my boy."

"So help me, Brian David, if that child picks up any of your silliness or I get any phone calls from school because he's imitated some of your hijinks, the next place you'll be sleeping will be Squishy's cat bed."

"Oh well," Brian grinned, "at least he's warm too. A little more fuzzy, but warm. On a serious note, let me check on the boys to see if they're all right. I'll even pay for dinner tonight to compensate if they're getting in trouble."

Mariah managed a smile. "Now that I can deal with."