A/N: Yeah, finally another chapter, because my grandma was singing the Sound of Music and she commented earlier about how Twilight was impossible to read. And I talked to my BFF M, who I saw the movie with, which started us on the mirror scene, and thought about the EMO-ness of Jasper on the phone with her this morning. The other one is completely my random and possibly twisted mind at work. I apologize very much for not updating in an eternity and neglecting my absolutely astounding and amazingly patient reviewers. This goes out to all of you as well, for actually caring about my randomness.
Disclaimer: There is no way I'm that old and married. Just … no. Wrong. Not Mormon either, sorry. So I don't own Twilight or the Sound of Music, and I'm not sure I'd want to, either!
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Original lyrics to the Sound of Music "Do Ray Mi":
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a drop of setting sun,
Me, a name, I call myself,
Far, a long long way to run,
Sew, a needle-pulling thread,
La, a note to follow sew,
Tea, a drink with jam and bread,
And that will bring us back to doe, doe, doe, doe!
My modified Twilight lyrics:
Dough, enough, the Cullens have,
Ray, what makes sparkles on their skin,
Mii, Rosalie new, on Emmett's Wii,
So, the description that fits Bella's insecurities to a tee,
Far, a word, that Edward can't know,
La, what Edward sings to Bella, slow,
Tea, what Carlisle used to drink before,
And that will bring us back to dough, dough, dough, dough!
Bella (EMO sob): "Stop reminding me! Edward's inhumanly perfect and rich, too!"
Edward: "You know, Bella love, if you let me give you half of my fortune, we'd be equals and then you could afford college on your own and I could finally give you gifts."
Bella (Shoulders jerking now, speaking through totally unattractive tears): "B-b-but I can't! That's j-just too logical, and I'm so undeserving! Plus, then I wouldn't be so utterly helpless and you might leave m-me!"
Edward: "…"
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James, with Bella, in the Movie-Mirrored Ballet Studio:
"And now, Bella, I'd like to leave Edward a little message in this visually dramatic setting –"
He stalked forward towards the cowering, undeniably plain-looking foolish human girl, intending to send her flying into the mirrors, but caught sight of his reflection just then – smexcilious in the extreme. The pony tail, as always, had been a good choice, giving him that rugged outdoorsy look like that idiot Victoria always admired … but he digressed. James shook himself hurriedly, gave his hair a brush and hooded his brilliantly crimson eyes for a better effect, and reapproached.
Snap, maniacal cackling, humans were so boringly predictable, really … as if a klutzy, broken-legged human could really get away from him. The scent of her blood, so much stronger now that it hit his nose, made his throat burn as painfully as if a werewolf dipped in Febreze had raked their claws down the inside of his throat, and James moved in for the kill … he had just barely begin to feast, the place didn't matter with pure life coursing through him and sating his thirst, when he was hit from behind by something like a finely toned rock and went crish-crash FLYING.
He was up instantly, brushing off the wreckage, and turned – to meet instant love.
Oh, God. Now that he was actually seeing them, the topaz of this Edward's eyes, even creased with worry – delicious. He'd take this over a human any day. James moved closer, mesmerized, to that defensive crouch … he whispered as Edward, his beautiful Edward, tensed, "Come on, leave the ugly human. I changed her so she's no use to you anyway. I can show you a much better time."
Edward looked confused, straightening a bit as Bella continued to scream in pain ignored in her corner, reading the sincerity in James's thoughts as he said, "But … I'm not gay?"
"Of course you are, sweetheart," James said, going over to him and draping an arm about his shoulders, two perfect people reflected in all the mirrors except the one they'd broke. "Someone as perfect as you simply has to be gay. Now come on, let's find us a decent guy to suck. Girls always scream too early."
Bella continued to scream, alone and abandoned on the floor. The rest of the Cullens, having gotten sidetracked by a McDonalds where all the employees tasted like fast food, conveniently forgot as well. She was found and staked by a renegade that had a cannibal fetish two and a half days later.
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Something the Mormon Author Didn't Quite Contemplate:
Bella: "Oh, Edward, you got me pregnant! And somehow that's magically possible now, as a warning against condom-free sex!"
Edward: "I don't understand! This goes against all science!"
Bella: "How? Aren't two people who love each other supposed to be blessed?"
Carlisle: "Actually, Edward is right. Vampires are frozen, and while we don't have fertility cycles, we also shouldn't produce sperm, since we're essentially dead. Which means that the sperm Edward ejaculated into you …"
Edward: "Was created before I was changed. So it's endured for approximately eighty-something years. Can you see why I might be the tiniest bit worried, darling?"
Bella: "So you mean … ew. Ew. Ew! That's like having a ninety-year-old's sperm! It is that! That's so gross! I've heard with the age of the father the mental deficiency effects increase! What if my precious son has defects because of you? You know, if I'd chosen Jacob nothing would have come of this …"
Edward: "I'm going to assume that you're so distraught that you can't help being hurtful. Now come on, Bella dear, it's time to go back so we can get you an abortion and buy some health-approved condoms to get back to our … honeymoon-style … life."
Bella: "I'm not giving him up, and you're not getting any until my precious baby's born, Mr. Old Guy. I don't need more ancient sperm festering."
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My Theory On How, Exactly, Jasper Accomplishes His EMO Acts:
Jasper's Diary, Day 98 of Vampirism
I was in a fight today with the other newborns, and even though I killed two one got his mouth on my wrist. Can I ever describe such sweet sensation? It burned, yes, venom is painful, but it also felt … good, to feel like that again. The vampirism healed all of my earlier scars – I couldn't think of how to get back to it before today, since the only thing hard enough penetrate vampiric skin is vampire teeth – and that's it!
God, it feels so good … pay no heed to the bloodstains, diary. I've missed the pain so much, and even Maria can't make me feel as good as this … doesn't matter. God, I really should leave some skin for tomorrow …
It's a good thing that there's no one important left to feel guilty for, again. So why should I?
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So there it is. I was thinking of doing a cliché spin-off, another mockery thing for this, with all of the characters reversed and living in a haunted house boarding school kind of thing, to mock all those annoying high school fics out there for them. So if you want to read it, let me know and I'll get to work.
And I've changed my name more than ten times since my last update. Go me.
-N