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The Problem with Ryan

Chapter 17: Broken ice.

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Ryan knew what Troy was doing.

He felt Troy's eyes on him. He felt the tingly sensation of it on his neck before it spread throughout his entire body.

Ryan's face heated unexpectedly as he thought about how intensely Troy must be watching him. He restrained the urge to fidget in his seat, focusing on a point on the blackboard, his body was rigid. He heard nothing but the whoosh of his blood rushing through his ears intermixed with the drone of the teacher at the front of the classroom.

Even though Ryan never dared to turn his head and glance back to actually catch Troy in the act, he could imagine how he must look like. Ryan's mind supplied him with a hazy memory of hard deep blue eyes looking at him longingly, without hesitation, from some distance away. It was the same look Troy gave him in the cafeteria.

It was the same look Ryan dreamed about late nights before he awoke achingly frustrated, skin burning and sweaty.

The heat seeping from his skin, Ryan abruptly tore away from thoughts of those dreams, suddenly very aware that he was in class and shouldn't be having such thoughts.

But the way Troy kept staring at him, it was driving Ryan insane. The iron-clad wall of self-control he had built up this past week was threatening to crack.

…I wish I had more strength, Ryan thought.

He glanced at his sister beside him. She looked at the teacher, bored and clearly unimpressed. She had been acting strangely the past week. Ryan couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, mostly because she hadn't been talking to him much.

Ryan knew she wasn't angry with him, instead he had a sinking feeling she was plotting something, and if not, then at least thinking about something a little too deeply for his liking.

On his other side sat Chad, who had taken habit to sticking by him a lot more this past week. Ryan figured it was because he needed someone to talk to that wasn't so close to Troy. And the fact that he was that person made him feel a little sad. But Ryan didn't mind having Chad around so much. The curly brunet was a really good friend, one who wouldn't pry into his personal thoughts.

Suddenly Gabriella's voice broke his thoughts and he watched her answer a question the teacher must have asked. He appreciated her friendship too but sometimes Ryan got the feeling that she had the need to fix everything around her, and that bothered Ryan, especially when she kept trying to fix him. What made her think something was wrong with him? Why did she keep asking him questions about his feelings? He didn't get it.

The bang rang. It was the last class of the day, and everyone was rushing through the halls to get to their lockers and then go home.

"Ry, I'll meet you outside," his sister said simply, leaving him by the classroom door without as much as a demand to make him walk her to her locker.

It was strange. Ryan knew something was wrong but at the same time he couldn't help but feel that quiet-nice Sharpay was so much better than loud-demanding Sharpay.

"Hey dude."

Ryan turned and spotted Chad just stepping out of the classroom.

"Hi Chad," Ryan smiled. He gave one more worried glance to his sister's retreating figure before looking back at the curly brunet.

"Man, was that class boring," Chad said, then he grinned, "But I bet Ms. Rubin won't give us any homework during winter break."

"I wouldn't count on it," Ryan said gravely.

"How much you wanna bet?" Chad raised his eyebrow briefly before a sly grin slid on his face.

Then Ryan watched as Chad's grin faltered before falling away all together. Troy had just walked passed them head-down, his bangs covering his eyes, as he went to his locker.

"I don't know what's up with him," Chad said steely. His brown eyes were hard as they flickered over to Troy before looking away.

In the brief moment, Ryan allowed himself to really look at Troy, taking in his tired form, and his shaggy hair misplaced as if he had recently ran his fingers through it.

Ryan held his breath as Troy turned slightly, but he never looked at Ryan. And for some reason, Ryan felt disappointment mixed in with relief.

"Ryan?"

Ryan turned quickly, startled, "Yeah?"

Chad gave him a strange look before shaking his head, "Come on, man, let's go," he nodded in the direction of Ryan's locker.

"So, I'm guessing your apology didn't go over so well with Troy," Ryan said quietly as they walked beside each other to his locker.

Chad snorted, "Yeah, if I even got a chance to talk to him," he said.

"What do you mean?" Ryan asked.

"I mean, he won't even look at me," Chad sounded upset but then he sighed, "Whatever, I'm not going to push it. If he wants to talk, he'll come to me."

"But, didn't you say the fight was your fault? I would've thought Troy would want to talk, I mean, at least hear you out," Ryan said.

"It was my fault. I got all mad at him when I really should've just backed off, but…I don't know, there's something up with him too and I have a feeling that it has nothin' to do with me."

What Chad said troubled Ryan, but he didn't ask anymore questions. Instead, he said, "Well, I'm sure everything will turn out okay."

"Dude," Chad said, looking at the blond with complete disbelief plastered across his face.

Ryan shrugged sheepishly, as if saying that was all the advice he could offer.

Chad shook his head in amusement. "Whatever, man, I gotta get ready for basketball practice, see ya later," Chad said. He gave Ryan a pat on his shoulder before he started to walk toward the boy's locker room. "And don't think I forgot about that bet, I'll be collecting my winnings in a week," Chad shouted down the hallway.

Ryan rolled his eyes. Yeah right.

Chad was gone, and Ryan was left to wonder about Troy. Ryan didn't understand why Troy would avoid Chad. But he didn't want to dwell on the reasons. It led him to wonder about what exactly was bother Troy, and as much as Ryan still found it surprising, he knew it had something to do with him; how Troy might be thinking about him.

Worrying his lip, Ryan thought about how maybe ignoring Troy might be too harsh. Maybe that wasn't the best way to handle it.

But how Troy felt about him had nothing to do with Chad, Ryan thought suddenly, so why would he not talk to Chad?

Either way, Chad seemed better than he did last week. He wasn't freaked out about the future anymore. He even went to the school's guidance counselor to discuss all the options that were out there for him besides basketball. So whatever the problem was between Troy and Chad, Chad was right in that it had to lie within Troy.

Closing his locker, Ryan left the now emptying school, and went to meet his sister by the long black gate guarding the school parking lot.

He stood outside for awhile, waiting for his sister's pink car to drive out and take him home, watching as car after car passed him, students clearing the school grounds, school busses passing, and then the sky darkening.

Ryan kept checking his wrist-watch, but the chilly air made his arm stiff, so he pulled at the sleeve of his jacket, wondering irritably why he didn't decide to wear his coat today. It was freezing outside.

Getting tired, he let his messenger bag slip off his arm and plop on the pavement. He leaned back on the gate and looked up at the cloudy sky.

Where is she?

Suddenly, a sleek black car rolled slowly in front of him. Ryan straightened up, griping the strap of his bag, and holding it tightly as he looked warily at the tinted car window that was rolling down.

The same short jet-black hair, chilling green eyes, and irritating smirk—Ryan felt his heart's dull pounding against his ribcage as Michael looked back at him.

Then the smirk said, "Someone told me you need a ride."

And Ryan concluded that there was no such thing as a quiet-nice Sharpay.

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Troy supposed he was acting like a jerk right about now, well, sort of. He wasn't being such a great friend or even a decent person for that matter.

Every time he saw Chad approaching him, eyes apologetic, looking nervous, Troy pretended not to see and avoided him all together.

And every time he talked to Gabriella and her smile started to turn hesitant, her eyes looking up at him with a determined edge, he knew she was going to change the subject of their conversation. And he knew it was a subject he didn't want to discuss, so, he high-tailed out of there, leaving her looking exasperated and worried all at once.

And sometimes he caught Sharpay looking …not evil but something else…something that threw him off guard—she seemed drained, and cautious around him. At first, Troy admitted he was relieved, and even a little happy but then he remembered how badly he had treated her in the cafeteria. He shouldn't have been so harsh, telling her to leave him alone like that—so angrily.

He wasn't even really mad at her. He was just upset and frustrated.

All he wanted was to get away from every ones stares.

All he wanted was to make Chad stop looking at him like—like he was something strange and not the same old Troy, his best-friend.

All he wanted was to find some comfort in the one person that made him feel warm just by his simple presence; to be able to reach up and touch Ryan through all that space and distance that separated them.

His pale blue eyes were so far but at the same time…it felt really close. And when Sharpay pulled him away from that warm feeling—he snapped.

Sometimes, well, maybe more than some of the time, Sharpay can be irritating beyond belief. But she didn't deserve to be talked to like that, not when she wasn't doing anything that Troy wasn't already used to.

The rest of that lunch period was spent trying to drown out all the gossip spreading throughout the cafeteria, and trying not to meet the startled and unsure glances of his teammates.

The rest of the week passed with Troy miserably trying not to stare at Ryan, and repeatedly telling himself that Ryan and Chad were just friends. But it was hard watching Chad make Ryan smile, to see them talking and laughing…

And basketball practice was unbearable. His dad had kept asking why everyone looked so lost and out of it. Yet, he couldn't blame his teammates; it wasn't easy being careful and cautious just to avoid upsetting either him or Chad.

Being in the locker room was even worse. The tension was suffocating. All the conversations were careful and never important.

He tried keeping his cool to act like everything was fine, but then he realized he was really slowly detaching himself from his team. He didn't even notice he was doing that until just now.

Now, everyone was talking amongst themselves, quiet and not exactly excluding him but he didn't exactly feel included either. He was stuck in some weird, awful feeling, middle.

He changed out of his clothes quickly. He didn't want Chad to talk to him and apologize. He just needed more space; he could deal with not talking to Chad. Because he knew not talking to Chad meant never telling him why he got so upset and aloof in the first place. He couldn't handle telling him everything. He couldn't.

Yeah, he was being a coward. And yeah, he was being a complete jerk. He knew that already. Thank you.

He already knew how horrible it was to make his best-friend think he was mad at him just so he could avoid telling him something he knew in his heart Chad wouldn't be upset about. He wasn't afraid of Chad's reaction. He was afraid of telling him. Because it was one thing to have Gabriella guess it and to have himself know it, it was an entirely different thing for him to say it. To say, 'I am Gay,' a statement, aloud. It was like a confirmation, like a stamp stuck on his forehead—it could never, ever be taken back. It would be out there…forever.

Man, am I an idiot... Even in his head, he knew what a wuss he was being.

After practice, his dad was supposed to drop him off at work and then he usually took a bus back home since it wasn't that far away. Ever since he saw Ryan and his date there he sort of felt anxious entering the fancy restaurant, always half-expecting Ryan to show up on another date with that jerk.

Finally packed up, he said a rushed good-bye to his teammates, who all said their byes in a scattered chorus. Suddenly, he heard someone shout his name.

OhFuck.

Troy really, really hoped it wasn't Chad. He turned around slowly and was a bit startled to find Jason behind him, looking at him all tilted-faced and easy-going. Troy felt himself relax.

"Hey, Jase, what's up?"

"Uh, can I talk to you for a sec?"

Troy backed away slightly. "I kinda need to get to work, now."

"Oh, I'll just walk with you, then."

Troy felt uneasy, but shrugged anyway. "Okay," he said.

He was glad Chad didn't catch him out the door. But Jason? He didn't seem like the confrontational type. So, Troy really shouldn't have any reason to feel uneasy about the raven-haired teen. But…sometimes you could never be too sure.

"So, how's everything?" Jason smiled.

"Uh, good," Troy replied, feeling a little wary of this line of questioning…and kind of confused too.

"That's good," Jason smiled.

As they walked, Troy looked at the boy's profile. Jason slung his backpack on one arm but he still had his basketball uniform on with his jacket over it. The brushing together of windbreaker pants was the only noise in the hall. Most of the guys usually changed back into their usual clothes but Troy guessed maybe Jason rushed out to catch up to him.

Suddenly, Troy remembered a similar instance, when Jason wanted talk to him about Gabriella a couple of months ago. Troy, at the time, felt angry at how soon Jason and Gabriella were going on a date; it was just after she broke up with Troy. But then, the way Jason got nervous about Troy's reaction and how he even turned Gabriella down when she first asked him. Well, it was hard to hate Jason. And Troy, being the kind of guy he was, gave them his blessing, even if Gabriella rolled her eyes every time he said that.

And it sort of helped too, when Troy heard that the date had been a flop. But he kept that part to himself.

"It was…kinda tense back there," Jason said after a moment.

For a second, Troy thought he heard that in his head. But when he looked at Jason, he was surprised to find him looking back at him, with a thoughtful expression.

"Yeah," Troy said. He wasn't expecting Jason to be so…blunt. But then again, Troy thought, it was Jason. He wasn't exactly known for his subtly.

"I just wanted to talk, you know," Jason said, "Coach kept sayin' 'why's every body lookin' like they need a map to get around the court,'" he did a good imitation of his dad, Troy thought in amusement. "I guess, I am kinda lost," Jason said.

They reached the end of the hall, just before the school entrance. Troy could see his father's truck out on the curb, and Troy had the sudden urge to run to it.

It was such a bad habit, he knew, but he didn't want deal with anything. He just felt better pushing away things that closed in on his problems.

"We'll talk about this later, Jase, I really need t—"

"Wait," Jason said suddenly, his hand flew to catch Troy's sleeve before he pushed open the door, blocking him from his escape. "I don't need a pep talk or anything," Jason half-smiled as his hand fell away.

"Well, then what?" Troy asked warily.

"I don't know," Jason shrugged, "I was gonna ask you what's up? ...but then you said good…so, uh, I guess that didn't go like I thought it would," Jason said lamely.

"Jase…I really need to go."

"Wait!" Jason quickly, "I just wanna know what's goin' on with you and Chad. How come you guys aren't talking?"

Troy felt panic at the brief silence, urging him to answer. But then, Jason kept talking.

"I mean, I just don't get it. Chad comes to my house saying things like: this is the last time we're gonna hang out and the future and everything not being the same—and then all the guys aren't sayin' anything, so then I thought maybe I missed something but then Zeke had no idea either, and then you guys stare each other down, and I can't find Chad, and Gabriella's trying to find Ryan, and I miss pizza day, and Chad and Ryan are best buds, and everyone's actin' like they know something I don't, and I'm lost—but then I figure out today that everyone is freakin' lost"—Jason took a quick deep breath before he finally said, "You know?"

His eyes were huge as he looked at Troy imploringly, as if willing Troy to know.

Troy gaped briefly, lost for words, and very confused as he tried to work through the mass of jumbled words that had just tumbled out of Jason's mouth.

"I-I, uh," Troy stuttered. Then he blinked several times before he said, "What?"

Jason's mouth opened as if he was about to say something but then he shut it as his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pulled into a pout, clearly confused. "I, actually, don't…know." Then he shook his head, "Just...all I wanted to say was that everyone is lost, you know, so don't feel like you're on your own cuz' you're not."

"I'm not alone?" Troy repeated.

"Yeah," Jason shrugged as if the notion was obvious by now.

Troy stared at Jason for a long moment. Jason might as well have dumped a bucket of ice water on Troy's head. Troy was stunned. Every thought that had passed Troy's mind the past week was exactly the opposite of what Jason said.

'I'm not alone.'

But he doesn't get it. No one can understand how I feel. It's not like he knows what it's like to care for someone so much so that it starts to physically hurt. And he doesn't know how it feels to not even be able to really talk to the person that he may even l-love…to have that person run away from you—to settle for watching him from afar because of all these stupid restrictions and boundaries blocking every chance we-they- really get at being close—how can he say I'm not alone?

I am alone.

When Troy looked at Jason, it was like Gabriella's determined gaze and Chad's nervous but apologetic eyes were looking back at him too; and a small bit of light started to chip away at the darkening cloud that was Troy's thoughts.

Suddenly, Troy started to feel really stupid. All this time he had been pushing away the very thing he thought he didn't have: a listening ear, his support, his friends.

He was used to being the leader, the guy everyone looked up to, and now, he realized he just isolated himself by trying to handle everything on his own. And by pushing away his friends, avoiding them, he was alienating himself and hurting his friends.

Hearing Jason say he was lost made Troy feel less heavy-hearted. Because if Jason was lost, then Troy wasn't really alone, was he? It made Troy realize that everyone was sort of lost in their own way. And if everyone was lost in their own way, then they could understand Troy's feelings in their own way too. That should be enough for Troy. And now, it was enough for Troy.

"I mean, I'm always lost," Jason said, startling Troy out of his thoughts.

"Y-yeah," Troy nodded absently, "Thanks."

"No prob," Jason said as he gave him a worry-free grin. And Troy had the sudden feeling that Jason was completely unaware of just how much his words had really affected Troy.

Troy shook his head lightly, feeling a smile tug at his lips as he said, "I'll see ya later, Jase."

"Bye," Troy heard Jason say behind him as the cool winter air hit his face.

I'm not alone, Troy thought dumbly.

He still felt scared, but of course he still would be. He couldn't be confident in every single aspect of his life. Maybe that was what was bugging him about this whole situation, the uncertainty. He knew he hated feeling unsure, but now, he realized he hadn't dealt with it properly.

Maybe, he should talk to Chad. Maybe, he should call Gabriella. Maybe, he should approach Ryan…

But he still felt an unsettling something in the pit of his gut. It was a nagging feeling that stuck to Troy all throughout work, following him around and around until—

Wait.

Did Jason say Gabriella was looking for Ryan?

x x x TBC x x x