Chapter 28

"Mimi, what the hell are you doing?" Brian asked while they were getting ready to join Paul and Montana for New Year's.

Mariah was looking at the scale, concerned that perhaps she may have had a few too many Christmas cookies and it would catch up to her. "What does it look like?"

"We are not getting into 'my ass is getting fatter' discussion again.."

"I'd like to stay in decent shape and not be some kind of embarrassment to you and the kids."

"Jesus Christ, Mimi, you gave birth to beautiful little twin girls and the other blond thing that happened to grow up to be a moody vacuum cleaner with teeth. Fuck weight; I don't care how much you weigh; you're gorgeous and carry yourself well just as you are."

He then picked up the scale, about to leave the room.

"What are you doing?" Mariah wondered.

"Taking this fucking scale to the Dumpster," Brian replied. "We're going to start the new year off right by having you as the role model to our girls that women don't have to be perfect to have worth. Believe it or not, even your own son worships the ground you walk on and doesn't give a shit what you weigh either, though Leif may not always act it. Why do you think he's all batshit about Naomi since they were kids? She reminds him of his ma!"

Mariah had to smile. "Actually, she looks more like Montana, but I think I know what you're getting at."

He patted her. "That's my Mimi. Hey, can you wear the pink outfit tonight? I like how the pants show off your ass. Plus Paul hates that thing and I feel like annoying him."

"I should have known there was a motive behind that," she laughed. "But since you happened to bolster my ego up five hundred percent, I can at least do that much."

Meanwhile:

"For the love of God, Paul!" Montana complained when he had let a rampant fart. "Couldn't that have been done in the bathrooom?"

"You expect me to go clear upstairs just to fart?"

She shook her head. "One would think after all these years, I would have you figured out."

"Nobody figures out the Londonator."

"Brian's right about one thing, Pops; those things can be heard two rooms away," Michael said.

"Don't you have anything better to do, boy?" Paul asked. "I thought you were going with your buddies and girlfriend tonight."

"I am. I'm waiting for Jason to call back when he gets the car from his pops."

Kira had come down, dressed to go meet Mac and then clubbing with their own friends. "I'm off to see Mac, guys," she announced.

"Just a minute, missy," Paul said, stopping her. "Surely you are not going out looking like that."

"What?" Kira looked herself over. "I don't exactly look like a hooker."

"That skirt is too short; you bend the wrong way, the world will see your ass."

"Paul, it's barely above her knees," Montana pointed out.

"Really, Papi, you can't expect me to look like a prairie girl all the time, do you? This is probably modest compared to what Mac will likely have on."

"You'll get cold," he protested, "and you'll have slimy guys all over you."

"Papi, Kent is going to be with us. The club will be warm and if any 'slimy guys' as you call them bother me, he will be more than happy to chase them off."

"Don't be drinking," he ordered. "It's against the law for you anyway."

"I have no choice even if it wasn't," Kira shook her head. "I'm the designated driver."

"Good girl." He then turned to Montana. "Are you sure her skirt isn't too short?"

"It's perfectly fine, Father," she replied, shaking her head in disbelief. "May I remind you that Kira is almost twenty years old, a young woman."

"You look great, Sis!" Michael called from the next room.

Paul gave her some money. "Oh, all right. But don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Kira gave him a kiss. "Thank you, Papi."

Later that night:

"Mac just called," Montana said, hanging up the phone. "She wanted to check in to say she and Kira are fine and will be home around two thirty."

"Works for me," Paul nodded.

"At least all of them got invited somewhere," Naomi sulked. "I'm stuck here."

"Me too," Leif snorted. "Happy New Year. Yee haw. I'd be bored out of my butt if Naomi wasn't here."

"You two say that like it's a bad thing," Brian said. "You think I didn't sit home a lot of nights when I was your age? And face it, boy, you wouldn't have agreed to come with your mother and me if Naomi wasn't here."

Naomi lit up. "You came because of me?"

"Um…yeah, I guess." Leif blushed a little.

"I'm glad," she nodded. "At least I can talk to somebody."

"And Mom got a babysitter for the Pesky Twins so I don't have to deal with them either," he grinned back. "You want to do something?"

"Papi got me some new movies for Christmas," Naomi nodded, unaware her father was grinning behind her. "We can watch them in the basement."

"The wrestling channel is on too!" Brian added with a cheesy grin.

"Like I don't see enough of that at home, Dad," Leif rolled his eyes. "Come on, Nom, we can go see the movies while the old folks play Scrabble or whatever."

Paul looked up as they made their way to the basement. "Old folks?"

"To them we are," Mariah clarified.

"And heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's the game board," Brian announced, putting out the Scrabble. "Ready to get your ass handed to you, PL?"

"More like watch you cheat," Paul replied.

"Are we going to go through this again?" Mariah asked.

Montana had come up with snacks and drinks, setting them down. "Paul, you left the garage door open again when you came home earlier."

"Oh, Jesus. The damn opener must be acting up."

"Will you please make it one of your resolutions to have the new one your mother got us put in?"

"Yeah, yeah, if you make a resolution not to nag so much."

"Very funny." Her mood then changed. "I got the last of the Doritos at the store today and the picante sauce you like."

"I think I'm in love with you all over again."

"So I see you're geared up for Scrabble."

"Yep, ready for Brian to cheat yet again."

"I don't cheat," Brian protested. "I'm just smart."

"Since when?" Paul asked jokingly. Brian rewarded him with a whack on the head.

"All right, kids, settle down," Montana teased. "Let's get this game started."

"That isn't a word," Paul said at one point, scowling.

"Oh shit, here we go," Mariah groaned.

"Is so," Brian said, shoving over the dictionary. "Look it up, fuck-o."

"Where are you getting all these weird words?"

"Comes with have a genius kid that's in gifted classes," Brian replied, before looking up to see Leif. "As a matter of fact, here he is now."

"What?" Leif asked. "I was just coming to get snacks for me and Naomi."

A loud sound then filled the room, distracting them.

"God, Paul, not again!" Montana cried. "I've had to deal with this all day."

"Better out than in, and it's just all of you," he answered. "Not like no one in this room heard me rip one before."

"Now you know what I put up with when we were touring together," Brian spoke up. "I hated sleeping in the same room with him, because his ass sounded like a French horn all night."

"You aren't kidding," Montana agreed. "I'm married to him, remember?"

"Thanks you two," Paul said. "Are you finished now?"

"Well, they don't SMELL or ANYTHING, they're just LOUD," Brian continued.

Leif got into the spirit. "Dad's smell, though."

"Oh hell yes," Paul answered. "Good God, I had to leave the room."

"I still do," Mariah added. "I think that man's gas could be a deadly weapon."

Paul laughed. "SMELLED LIKE ROTTEN SPINACH ROASTING ON DEAD RATS HAVING SEX!"

"Well, gee, I apologize," Brian said.

"What's worse is that they're silent," Mariah made a face.

"And deadly," Leif added.

"Boy, you aren't much better," Brian scoffed.

"He got it from his old man," Paul said. "Oquela, you don't hear them, but you smell them."

"And every time either of them do it, I always know because both of them have to restrain themselves from laughing."

"I know!" Paul cried. "When we'd share a room, all I had to do was look and see a smirk, before putting a pillow over my face and thinking 'This is bullshit.'"

"So there you have it," Brian concluded. "Paul's and Mike's are the loud and smell-less ones, mine and Leif's are silent but deadly."

Brian then put down a few more tiles. "Hey, more points for me!"

"That isn't a word, Silent But Deadly," Paul gruffed.

"Is," Brian said with a smug look. "Look….."

"I know, I know," Paul grabbed the dictionary. "Look it up."