Shadow's First Life

Chapter XIII

Doubt

My junior year in high school had started. I was filled with disdain as I thought about the enigmatic disaster my life was developing into. My dormant nightmares resurfaced and persevered, causing me great sorrow. I would not be disencumbered from its burden for a long time.

Granddad started teaching me about Chaos Energy. I had controlled it before. Yet it was through him that I learned the two basic functions, and one of those a function that helped me the most and still does. I was taught how to use "Chaos Spear" and "Chaos Control". Chaos Spear was nothing really new. I already tried to incinerate two of the men that assaulted me. For some reason, and I do not know why, my attacks are yellow. I thought red was more appropriate for it matches my color, or at least my eyes. Chaos Control was more interesting.

One typical Saturday, my grandfather, Gerald Robotnik, called me to arrive in a secret laboratory near the ARK's core. There he showed me a Chaos Crystal. The energy in my heart was enhanced by the crystal, making my attacks and harnessing more efficient. I cannot describe exactly how the Chaos Control works, but I know what I did.

There as I held the red Chaos Ruby in my hand, I focused on its energy and the energy in my soul. I then moved the energy of my heart to a different location in a nearby room. In a flash of light, I was thrown through space and onto the spot I had focused. It was startling, and I felt uneasy in my stomach afterwards. It also was shocking, obviously. I liked it!

I had one question about the technique, or more specifically, the grammar behind the technique. As grandpa stared at my eyes through his thick glasses I said reluctantly, "Why is this warping jump named after an oxymoron?" My grandfather was in stupor for a minute, then he rubbed his thick moustache and simply shrugged. I mean come on! Chaos? Control? Chaos is the absence of control!!

I became overwhelmed with guilt. After enduring the abuse I did, I felt like I was to blame. I became emotionally unsound, at times having these... tantrums where I would be close to hurting someone else or myself. My control of Chaos made it worse. I recall this single time I felt so depressed. It was after I launched a Chaos Spear at some insignificant fool that had stated my sister was wasting her life on me. I nearly shot a Spear at him, but I was startled and missed as a guard jumped on top of me.

I was ashamed by what I did. I was placed in an empty room to cool off, and the first person to approach me was Maria. She was guarded by soldiers that had loaded weapons trained on me as she approached me. The guards lingered there and I felt tense, unable to relax and talk to my favorite sister. She turned and glared at them, but they hesitated. "Leave us alone, now." Her voice was firm, and so they left.

"Shadow," she started as she turned to me. "You know this is not your fault." "Yes it is," I said solemnly. "I shot the Spear, I had the fit, and it is my fault." My eyes stared down, reflecting my self-esteem. "But you know what you have been through," she protested. "That is no excuse." Tears filled my eyes. "Why am I here? I cause so much trouble! I cause pain! It is like I should not be here at all..." I mused. Maria stared at me in surprise, startled by my negative attitude. "I cause trouble. I hate myself..." My ears folded out in shame. Maria gasped in shock.

"Shadow! Do not say that!" I ignored her. I felt my face burn after a hand slapped me. In surprise, I let tears fall from my eyes. I touched where she struck me with my fingers. I turned to face her, an expression of shock on my face. "Listen to me! Do not ever hate yourself! You are far more caring and kind than you believe you are! Don't ever give up!" Her eyes had fire in them. She had pretty eyes. I clung onto her with tears burning my eyes. I felt her arms firmly wrap around me. "I love you, Shadow," she spoke softly as her embrace tightened. I closed my eyes in fear. "I know. I love you too, Maria..."

My nightmares returned with vengeance. They came back before I shot a Spear at this fool. The dreams about the beating I had earlier was extended, replaced with an even crueler incubus. I had these nightmares every single night without fail.

I was again in darkness. I saw a door of light that floated away, and I chased it. But it is after that my dream deviates. I opened my eyes, or at least I thought I did. I saw nothing. Black. Darkness. A void. I tried vainly to look around, only to see nothing. It was as if my eyes were still closed. An area before me was shining in the darkness. Desperately, I stood up and rushed to the doorway to escape, but the door stayed still. I got not an inch closer to it, so I ran faster. On the other side of the door, I saw light. The light was peaceful, and I wanted it so badly. My lungs pumped air into my body as I continued running.

The door hovered just meters ahead of me, mocking my feeble efforts as it stayed out of reach. Soon the gate of light started to drift away, so I panicked and sprinted for it. I could feel wind gust through my fur and my feet shuffle rapidly, but the door drifted farther and farther from me. I tripped as the door became a speck of light in the darkness. I felt my body jolt as I flopped onto the invisible ground beneath me.

As I staggered back up, I saw three red eyes. My breath froze. The eyes loomed over me as I trembled in fear. The eyes smashed into me and knocked me down as I cried out. I looked back at the light, only to discover that it was gone. What do I do now? How will I escape? The three eyes stared at me as two more large shadows appeared. I fell down under the impact of something one of the shadows was holding as my mind filled with terror. Something else slammed into me and I flew through the darkness.

I screamed. Laughing seemed to echo in the void of black. I tried to scream again, only to realize that I could not. I then heard the two men talking. "You are that experiment, aren't ya? The artificial life form, that is you?" I started to cry in a torrent of tears. "This thing is a demon! It is evil!" "I am not evil..." I said back softly.

"Yes you are!!" The voices snapped fiercely. "Get ready for a fixing, Project!" I emitted a shuddering sob. "You are useless, little monster, nothing good will ever come from you." "No one cares about you, Project! No one likes you!" I shrieked as I was struck by one of the shadows.

My heart filled with terror. I could not feel physical pain because I was dreaming, but my heart alone ached with agony. I sobbed as the voices composed more insults. "Worthless!" "Pathetic!" "Stupid!" The colonel's voice sounded out. "This thing is stupid, it will not talk." I shuddered with each sob from my chest and gave up to the voices and fears I felt. "I am sorry," I whispered to the haunting echoes.

The voices of the colonel, the two men, and Black Doom bellowed in chorus. "Do us all a favor and die!" I realized that I could not breathe. In panic, I clutched my throat and tried to gasp, only to find that I could not. "Do us all a favor and DIE!!!"

Tears rolled off my face and down my chest as I fell down on my face, still fighting for life. I choked as I heard the voices again. "DO US ALL A FAVOR AND DIE!!!!!" I could feel warmth leaving my body as my heart grew cold. I heard someone speak one last time. "You are useless, little monster. Nothing good will ever come from you." The seemingly impossibly dark gloom became even darker as I heard my heartbeat slow to a stop... "Do us all a favor and die..."

After I had fallen and cried as the voices of hatred cursed me, I was paralyzed. I could not move. I struggled against this imagined chain that held me firmly in my place. My heart was devastated as I heard Adam say coldly, "I want something from you." I cried out in shame and embarrassment as he raped me. Tears flooded out of my eyes in a cascade as I could not gather my breath. After I was ravished the voices of three men, not two men, laughed at me. I wanted to get away. I was terrified; my heart raced as my breathing was in shallow gasping fits.

I was ashamed. I wanted to hide. I wanted to hide the abomination I am far from everyone around me. I was a burden, a pathetic wretch that had nothing of value, a worthless punching bag and a sex toy. I was just a puppet! I was of the same importance to others as an object! I felt that I am not worthy of being considered a person!

I would wake from the dreams in shivering chills. Sweat dripped on my fur and quills as tears stained my cheeks and my nose was stuffed with leftover tears. I would stay in the darkness of my room and silently cry. I hated myself. Maria could no longer sooth me. My heart was going numb, numb yet forever condemned with agony. Just as the body becomes numb of a constant pain, or more used to it, my heart became numb of the pain it felt. But having a heart without any real feeling actually hurts worse in the end...