A/N: My life, it's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I'm terribly sorry, if there are any original readers who are still waiting for updates. I suck at life, okay? We all know it. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's more emotion than plot, but that's okay. We're all a bunch of sensitive freaks anyways, obviously.

Btw, beware of the language present in this chapter. Other than that, have fun!

-diamonds

Disclaimer: Yeah, right.

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LiD: Rise and Crescendo

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Chapter Fifteen: To Thine Own Self Be True

Axel felt lost.

It'd been fourteen hours, thirty-two minutes, and six seconds since he last saw (felt was more like it) Rox, and it'd ended badly. He'd always imagined Roxas to be surprised when Axel finally honed in on his feelings, and give the kid a clue, but... but... damn, okay. So, maybe Axel always had an inkling that his itsy-bitsy blondie would be a little … overwhelmed with the sheer passion of Axel's undying love, but still. Totally running out on him? Like, c'mon!

And now his Roxas was missing. The blond hadn't called – not that Axel had been expecting him too, but jeez, he coulda called Dem, for crap's sake – but no, nothing. The streets had been throbbing with people and music and drinks, and Roxas could've been anywhere last night. No matter how many people he'd questioned about a probably-stoned-blond that was about yay-big, with stark blue gems for eyes (did he just really think that?), and a small, thin frame that he could just wrap his arms around and never-ever-ever let go because Roxas was his...

What exactly? His what? Huh? What was going on with their relationship? How did Roxas feel about him?

Axel smouldered. Crap. He was never going to find out now. Rox probably fled the friggin' city.

Ohhh... clutching his glass hard (and wishing it would shatter dramatically, like it did in the movies), Axel threw his head into his arms, resting numbly on the bar's counter.

"Hey, cheer up, man." He felt a pat on his shoulder.

"Go away, Dem." He could practically hear the smirk that had plastered itself over the blond's face.

"Dude. Come on. You've been drinking all night long – I think you've seriously had enough. We're not going to find Roxas like this," Demyx insisted, and Axel tilted his head so one eye was peaking out. Waving his hand around, Dem continued, "Do you think Roxas would want to see you like this? Don't you wanna be... oh I dunno, sober, when you talk to him?"

"If I talk to him, Dem, if." Axel was damned sure that Roxas was hiding, and hiding well. It was a trademark of dear Roxas' to be able to blend in with the walls. He was such an elusive beast! And Axel, of course, was a beast himself, in his own ways. It had been love at first sight – meant to be! Oh, hell, why couldn't Roxas see this?

Psht. For as long as Axel had known him, Roxas always wrestled with reality, fighting for control of his surroundings. He'd always try and swing things in his favour, and it hadn't been long when the kid figured out he couldn't make Axel budge. Oh, yeah – he'd definitely learned that the hard way. (Well, okay, Roxas had managed to make Axel "swing" in certain directions, but that was a totally out-of-the-blue, uncalled for, Axel-had-no-defenses sort of thing.)

But that was so many years ago. Still, now, Roxas was fighting off the unfamiliar – Axel was sure of it. He wanted to be there for him, even now, after the blow-out yesterday, all he wanted was to hold Rox in his arms. He wanted him to be okay. To friggin' bad that all of a sudden, it was freaking Axel who was the big bad scary one. Well, Axel was back to being the big bad scary one.

The redhead cringed.

"Roxas..." he'd groaned loudly, and buried his head further. Again, Demyx patted his shoulders briefly, before Axel was suddenly being jerked up, his face forced to turn and look at Dem.

"Ax, serious, dude, you're a mess. You need to keep moving – or at least, let's go back to the 'rent and rest." Axel held his drink closer, refusing to part from his little sanctuary. Demyx's eyes shone a light blue as he hopped off his barstool. "He has to be somewhere, right? He didn't just disappear off the face of the planet, right?"

Axel groaned once more and downed the glass. He was about to order more, when Demyx pulled him from the hood of his sweater, forcing the older teen off the stool.

"Let's go. Maybe Xiggy knows something."

Moping with his eyes downcast, Axel trudged along. Fine.

LiD


The sunlight hurt her eyes, and Kairi groaned. Man, where was she again? Sitting up precariously, she realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch. Wait, who's couch, again? Before she could contemplate on it too much, though, she felt a jab on her arm. "Ow! What's your – "

Two different-coloured eyes blinked at her, and Kairi gave a yelp. "Yuna?" she exclaimed. Yuna giggled a bit, and smacked Kairi on the head.

"Awake, I see." She winked and then moved to the kitchen, bustling around and making a lot of noise as she prepared breakfast.

Quickly, Kairi threw off her blanket and moaned slightly; her had begun to pound. Looking down, she noted that she was still wearing last night's outfit. Last night … hmm … right. They had run into that pig-headed asshole, and totally kicked his ass. That, Kairi could remember clear as bell. But why was she totally hung-over, flopped on Yuna's hotel-room couch. What …

… Sora! He must be worried sick about his girlfriend, oh crap, where was her cell phone? Kairi fumbled blearily through her purse (which had been dropped carelessly at the foot of the couch) and attempted to feel around for her phone. There it - ! Oh, wait, that was her make-up compact. Oh! There she – damn, nope, that was her portable gamer.

Bzzzzt.

Ah. That thing that was vibrating in her purse was probably it. Well, Kairi hoped so. She didn't think she kept any other vibrators just like, on her. That would be a little weird, even for her.

"Hello?" She asked groggily, forcing her sluggish tongue to form words.

"Yo, Kai, where are you?" she was dismayed to hear it was Tidus, not Sora.

"Tidus, you're such a douche. I'm with Yuna and the girls."

"Dude! You skank-whore. I totally wanted the three chicks, but you just had to go and steal them."

"Ugh, Tidus, you're such a man-slut."

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

"Femi-nazi."

"Go eff yourself, you patriarchal piece of crap."

Kairi grumpily snapped her phone shut. She collapsed back onto the couch, feeling nauseous. Not enough to want to vomit, but a little queasy. Thinking back, to what she could pick out from her swirling memory, she and the girls had gone to celebrate whooping-Seifer's ass with a few beers. Nothing to potent, which would explain why Kairi was actually able to function (sort of) this morning. Wait, it hadn't just been the girls … Kairi thought hard.

Struggling only mildly, Kairi managed to stand. Albeit a little wobbly, Kairi walked over to the kitchen area, and watched Yuna as she poured five fresh cups of coffee. Mmmm, coffee. Thank goodness – Kairi needed to sober up, badly.

"Hey, Yuna," Kairi asked, resting her chin on one hand. "Did anyone call me last night?" Kairi could recall now, after all, that Yuna had agreed to be their DD. Well, okay, she was responsible for making sure they all walked back to the hotel okay, but still. An important job to do while sober, none-the-less.

Yuna nodded, pushing a cup towards her. "Yeah, I think it was your boyfriend." Kairi quirked an eyebrow, and Yuna smiled, continuing, "You answered the phone, but you were a little to … ah … intoxicated to give a decent response."

"Decent?"

"Yeah, like, you sounded like you were answering a booty call."

Kairi, in spite of herself, snickered. She could just imagine how Sora would handle that; there was a reason that Kairi was head over heels for the guy. He'd be flustering away, maybe a little pink, trying to talk sense into her … jeez.

"Please tell me you took the phone away from me," Kairi implored, taking a sip of the freshly brewed coffee. Roasted almond, yummy. Needed more sugar, though.

Yuna giggled, "Oh, trust me. I had no idea who you were talking to, so I grabbed the phone and told him off. When I realized who it was, I explained what had, you know, gone down, and I think he was okay with it."

"Really?" It wasn't like Sora to give up on worrying that easily. Even though he played Mr. Cool when Naminé came back late that one night, Kairi knew he'd been freaking out just as much as she had inside.

"Well …" Yuna chewed her lip thoughtfully, sipping her own coffee, which was straight black. Kairi noticed that once again, Yuna's choice of dress wasn't exactly the most … self-respecting thing anyone would wear. It was a cute baby-tee with cap-sleeves and a high neckline, but it was made of sheer white fabric that made Kairi want to cringe. Not to mention that coupled with that, Yuna was wearing baby blue plaid hot pants that rode up, like, way too high. Shaking her head slightly, Kairi sighed. She supposed she should be happy that it was just a girl's thing, otherwise, it could get really awkward.

Speaking of which …

"Yuna, where's that other dork? Tidus?"

Yuna's lips twitched, and her eyes went past Kairi's head. Confused, Kairi turned around. And her friggin' jaw dropped.

"PUT SOME PANTS ON, YOU MAN-WHORE!"

LiD

He could feel everything and nothing at all. His fingers and toes and nose were numb – kind of like coming out of a harsh winter storm and slowly thawing. His eyes felt glued shut, and his lips were dry. Dry … oh, hell, were his lips dry. And his throat … completely parched, every inch crawling with the need for saliva. Maybe a drink?

His stomach riled in protest, and Roxas moaned. Shit, no no no no no nooo don't think of drinks. Aw crap – squeezing his eyes tight, Roxas felt a tingly sensation spread through his body.

" … just let him ... maybe … can't know for …"

There was a soft, angelic voice talking. Did Roxas know that voice? What did Roxas know, again? Thinking hurt too much, dammit. Ugh.

" … asshole, thinks he … doesn't … why not? You're such a …"

He was lying on his back, he knew that much. And he was cold, very cold, so he curled his toes and shifted. Where was he, again? Roxas tried to open his eye open a crack, but the an arrow of light pierced his vision and Roxas almost cried. So he closed his eyes, and shifted. The wall next to him was comfy and squishy … wait. Cracking an eye open, he realized he was, in fact, lying on a couch. That would make sense. Axel would throw out on the couch again.

Wait, Axel was mad at him. Or was he mad at Axel? What the friggin' hell had he been doing last night? Why was everyone so angry? And who was talking right now? He didn't know that voice, but he did at the same time. Their voice was sharp; spitting out words like poison-tipped shurikens. Roxas felt his stomach twist uneasily, and … and … oh. Close call. Roxas bit his lip. There was an uneasy feeling stifling the air, and Roxas got the distinct impression that he shouldn't make himself awake right now. Even if he was already awake. Dammit. Couldn't the guys just leave, and let him sleep? Blood was coursing through his limbs, and now rushing to his head. The pounding was as brutal as a heavy-metal band, and Roxas whimpered a bit. He wanted his piano, his nice, quiet, friendly piano.

" … guys! Shh!"

That was a sound the Roxas recognized, somewhere in the recesses of his swirling memory. He knew it from somewhere, but his brain refused to function. Holy crap, why had he gotten so trashed last night? He hadn't felt this burned out in a while.

"Guys, I … noise. I think … awake …"

Where had he heard that sound before? That voice, that noise? Roxas liked where he was, curled up on the couch, but damn, he was going to go crazy. Using sheer force of will, Roxas maneuvered under the blanket on forced himself to turn around. He would open his eyes, he would. But that one act seem to drain his lethargic body, and there was no way he was exerting any more energy right now.

"Look! I think he's … alone, maybe? I …"

"Forget it! He …"

Okay, seriously, this guy had issues. Roxas opened his eyes (hissed at the light, closed them again for a second, then tried again) and immediately regretted the sight before him.

Oh shit, oh shit. How how how – what? When did this happen? How could this have happened? The sudden rush of adrenaline through his system made his muscles tense and his head ache even more.

Maybe they wouldn't notice him. Maybe if he lied very still, they'd forget he was there, and leave the room – wherever he was – and then he could slip away and pretend none of this had happened. Please, oh please, they don't even see me. Tell me they don't even see me.

"Roxas?" Roxas squeezed his eyes shut. "Roxas, buddy, are you awake?" He felt a cool hand on his warm, warm forehead. Roxas was feeling sick, so sick when his stomach lurched and,

"Oh hell, I'm gonna – " Roxas didn't get to say anymore, but Sora had already lifted the garbage bin up; Roxas leaned over and hurled. The acerbic rush of chunky fluid ripped its way through his mouth, kicking and biting and causing as much pain as possible wherever it touched. Bastard, Roxas moaned and collapsed back onto the couch, covering his eyes with his arm. He hadn't even realized he had exerted the strength to prop himself up on his elbows and heave up his stomach, but he could feel the sluggish humour crawl back under his skin.

This is some kind of hellish nightmare. This is what I get for taking Xiggy's shit. It's all in my head, I'm still tripping out. I am still tripping out. I –

But it was hard to ignore the disgusted noise coming from the other side of the room. Roxas stubbornly kept his arm in place, repeating the mantra. This was so not happening, it couldn't be. Just thinking about it was ludicrous – Sora? Yeah, right. Probably one of his jerkwad friends messing with him. Roxas had specifically spent the last while avoiding him, and Roxas never messed up …

"Roxas? Roxas! Look, I know you're awake, and … and … we-we need to talk, I think. Are-are you listening? Roxas?"

What the frig. Yeah, yeah, it just had to be Sora. Of all the people that might have run into him, it had to be Sora. Roxas would have preferred Larxene to grab him by the ear and drag him to respectability, and that was saying something. He would have preferred the bruises to show for it, than this. It was actually kind of … ironic. Witty. Freaking hilarious.

Roxas didn't realize he was laughing hysterically until there was a sharp tug on the front of his undershirt. The sudden force of him being jerked up made his head swim, but Roxas just kept right on laughing. Holy hell, here he was! Over two years of carefully planned, perfectly executed visits and cover-ups, and this was what he had to show for it! Oh hell, it was a riot!

"Shut up! You think this is funny, you dick – "

"Riku!" a sharp voice interrupted him. "Riku! Put him down, okay? Just put him down!" Riku complied, and Roxas was dropped back onto the couch. The endeavor had sent the contents of his stomach swirling again, though, and Roxas leaned over and vomited again. Not much came out – he had aimed all right, though, into the garbage bin – but crap. That had seared through his throat.

Roxas didn't like the note of hysteria in his cousin's voice. To be honest, Sora's voice was the last thing he wanted to hear while looking like this. Roxas wasa total douche bag, how the hell did he let this happen? After working so hard for so long, and now, aww shit …

"Roxas," Sora began softly.

"I'm cold," Roxas croaked in response, before any of more of the terrible tidal waves of shame could come crashing in. "I'm really, really cold."

"Uh, Roxas, I, uh …" it was the softer voice, the timid one.

"Naminé?" Roxas asked groggily. She was standing at the foot of the couch, his Jordan Falcon sweater in her arms. Sora grimaced, but Roxas was too wrapped up in his own hell to decipher that. Naminé, to her credit, avoided Sora's eyes and walked over swiftly, handing him his black hoodie. Since he was only wearing his undershirt, Roxas slipped the hoodie on clumsily. He forced himself to sit upright, but kept the hood of his sweatshirt on. Tufts of feathery blond hair tumbled over his eyes, but Roxas hardly noticed, considering he was staring at the floor.

Licking his cracked lips, Roxas wondered if he was supposed to begin. And if so, where he was supposed to begin. Was he supposed to explain why he was down here? How he knew Naminé? Oh, Naminé … Roxas wondered, briefly, if she had a role in all this. Maybe … maybe … he should ask? But in what place was he, to be asking questions?

"Rox," Sora began again. He was seated on the coffee table, right in front of Roxas. "I think you know I've got a lot of questions. Do you want to answer them?"

No! Nononono! His head screamed, but already his heart was sobering up, and Roxas nearly let out a sigh. Oh, typical Sora. Typical, wonderful Sora, to do this. Sora would never coerce information from anyone, but in his own charming way, no one would ever refuse. So of course, Roxas nodded, though a bit reluctantly.

"Do you want to ask me anything first? Do you need anything? Are you okay?"

A brief stirring, before a voice roughly grumbled, "A black eye is what he needs –"

"Rik –"

"Sor, you sure you don't want me to out him over the balcony? It's right there, and –"

"Riku."

Roxas could hear the exchange of glares, and his own temper began to flare. Sure, the dumbass was right; maybe he did deserve to be thrown over the balcony, but hell, Sora would be doing that, not the dickwad emo-boy.

There was a low grumble, a loud thump as Riku probably threw himself against the couch, and he could hear the following drumming of fingers in a fierce display of impatience.

Whatever. Forget him.

"How – " Roxas flicked his blue orbs up to meet Sora's identical ones, before dropping his gaze again. "What happened?"

A small grimace tugged on Sora's lips. "I was going to ask you the same thing, Rox." Roxas didn't respond. Sighing, Sora continued, "I don't know, honestly. I was wandering around during the bash last night, and found you surrounded by a pack of animals. You – " Sora faltered a bit here, but quickly continued, "were acting like a dumbass, to be honest. I thought you were going to kill yourself, so I dragged you back into our hotel room."

So Roxas had only himself to blame, as usual. Digging his hands into his hoodie's pocket, Roxas asked, "Sora?" There was no need to try and get his attention, because the chocolate-haired teenager hadn't taken his eyes off his cousin since he'd woken up. "Do you think we could talk about this … like … alone?" He winced, expecting yet another snappy remark from Riku.

Sora instead replied, "Yeah, okay. Hey, Riku, Naminé? Could you guys … ?"

"Sora, you've got to be kidding. The stupid kid ruins everyone's night, goes into a freaking coma on our couch and was being a total turd, and you're actually list – "

"Riku!" Naminé interrupted softly. "Riku, look, let's just go downstairs or something, okay?" Roxas didn't lift his head, didn't see what was going on, but there was a moment of silence before he heard the creak of the couch, and shuffling around. The door clicked shut behind them, and Sora punched Roxas' upper-arm affectionately.

"So?"

"So what?" was the immediate response in Roxas' head, but somehow, he didn't think that was what Sora wanted to hear. There was a strained silence between the two; both of them were on either end, stretching it out between them until finally, Sora snapped and said simply, "You're not okay, are you?"

Roxas shook his head.

"How long has it been then, since you were all right?"

Roxas choked, a little, because he couldn't bring himself to say anything. His mouth was already dry and his vision blurred, but it seemed to have increased twice fold in the last second. No answer from him, even though Roxas was swimming through his head, trying to piece together some sort of sentence that wouldn't make Sora hate him forever.

LiD

Sora sighed, and dropped his own gaze to the floor. "Rox … you've got to take this more seriously, okay? I know – " he was interrupted though, by a stifled gasp from his cousin. Brow furrowed, Sora dipped his head so that he could see Roxas' face under his hood. Sora was startled – but in an odd way, relieved – to see anguish scribbled over face. Roxas – despite all of his startling behavior – was still capable of feeling remorse, if nothing else.

Sora moved to stand up, saying softly, "Okay, Rox, if you don't want to talk about – "

There was a sharp intake of breath, and Roxas mumbled quickly, ducking into his hood.

"Huh?" Sora asked, teetering between sitting down again or moving away from his cousin. Roxas sighed – a weary, jaded sigh – and looking up to meet Sora's eyes for a moment and repeated, dejectedly,

"I don't – Sora, it's really … you know, I couldn't ever talk about this before, so, I mean, I don't know if … " Roxas glanced up, and saw that Sora was still looking at him expectantly, so Roxas finished so softly it was inaudible.

"Rox …"

"I felt like shit, okay? That's why … that's why you never heard about any of this before. Because I thought you'd think I was a total …" he let his sentence trail off, and Roxas bit his lip.

Sora sat back down, waiting for Roxas to continue. How strange, his cousin looked right now. His skin, normally lively and toned, was chalk-white and almost pasty; his clothes, normally so pristine and cutting-edge, consisted of last night's jeans and an oversized hoodie; but it was his eyes, that Sora noted the most. There was … there was nothing different at all, in those eyes. Sora wondered how he couldn't have noticed it before. There was not a glimmer or a spark, but a lackluster quality and … a jaded, exhausted haunting to them. Maybe Sora had recognized it, many times, but had just refused to accept that something was wrong.

Sora knew that two years ago, Roxas had dropped out of his elite academy and opted for the local high-school instead. But they visited each other a few times a year – more often, Roxas would come to Destiny Islands instead of vice versa. After all, after Roxas' parents split up, his mother – Sora's late father's sister – came back to live close to her family in Destiny Islands while Roxas' father got custody of the boy and remained in D'Arc City. But that was … what, ten years ago? It had been difficult for Roxas to understand at the time, Sora remembered, because it had been difficult for him to grasp too. He just remembered thinking that if Auntie was coming to live in Destiny Islands, why couldn't Rox come too?

But still … Roxas always came to visit, always. And nothing had ever seemed out of place – okay, he got cockier and cockier with Riku, but that was to be expected. But he always had a good time, and seemed to enjoy Sora's company. Right?

Roxas' eyes flicked up, and Sora realized he'd been staring. Sora couldn't remove his gaze though – when had his cousin become this reclusive? Roxas lowered his eyes again, his fingers fiddling with a loose thread from the couch. Maybe he mistook Sora's silence, because Roxas stuttered, "Please – please don't be mad, Sora. I just … I wasn't thinking straight, you know?"

"Then, or last night?" Sora asked, and he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Roxas shifted uncomfortably. "Sora … I …" He paused, and lifted his gaze so that he was staring at the wall past Sora's head. "What do you want me to say?" A touch of pleading had shimmied its way into his voice.

"Can I have the real story, Roxas? Do you want to let me know what's going for real?"

"I – I guess," Roxas replied in a non-committal tone. Raising an appraising eyebrow, Sora was about to respond but Roxas cut in, saying, "I'll try, okay? But I mean, it's not that simple. So I mean, it's like … You know how I switched schools, a few years ago? Dropped out of Radiant Garden?"

"I remember that," Sora conceded. "Your dad wasn't happy with it; your mom always said."

Roxas sighed, and it sounded like the weight of a hundred thousand stones. "It … well, in the beginning, it didn't go so well, you know? I … public school was really different than Radiant Garden, from like, the people who attended the school to how the school was run. I was really, really out of place. And I mean, I guess, I mean, there were all these different groups and it just didn't make any sense – I mean, I wasn't a total idiot, like, I'd seen it in movies in stuff, but, like, I mean … High-school's a pretty vicious place, you know? Sure, movies make fun of it, but the real thing is nothing and everything like what you think it would be."

Sora frowned worriedly. High-school was a cruel place, he knew. Honestly, though, Sora wasn't one to brag, but back at Destiny Islands Collegiate, he didn't really have to deal with that kind of drama. Not so much because it didn't exist, but because Sora got along with almost everyone really well, and he knew that he was well-liked by the student body. He tactfully decided not to mention any of this.

Roxas continued, not looking at Sora, "And then … I had a run in with this total asshole – the cockiest dickwad I'd met. Like, he came to class, I swear, just to put me on the spot and try and humiliate me. That, or just creep the hell out of me and … frig, I don't know. Him and me, just totally clashed."

Worriedly, Sora couldn't help but interrupt, "He isn't still harassing you, or anything? Please tell me he grew the hell up and – "

"Yeah! Yeah, actually," Roxas reassured, and Sora actually saw a touch of a nostalgic smile to Roxas' face. "Yeah, don't – it's cool. He's actually kinda … yeah. It's complicated. But, uh – I met this other guy who was pretty cool, and his name was Demyx. Like, Demyx and the other guy, they didn't come to class very often, but Dem asked me to hang out one time and I took him up on the offer. And then – " Roxas' lip twitched a bit again, as if he were sharing a private memory with himself, " – and then, I remember walking outside and finding out that Dem – the coolest guy I've met so far – is actually best friends with the other guy that I just couldn't stand."

"Sounds a little familiar, huh?" Sora teased gently. Roxas grimaced a bit and nodded. Sora, before Roxas could continued, asked, "What was this other guy's name, by the way?"

Roxas bit his lip before answering softly, "Axel. His name's Axel." There was an unreadable emotion lingering around Roxas, but Sora wasn't going to ask. Now that Roxas was talking, he didn't want to stop him. His cousin was quiet for a moment, before he continued, ducking deeper into his hood,

"These guys – I don't know, Sora, you're probably going to want to kill me, but …

"They weren't the best … influence, to be around? I mean, I … I don't know. One minute they were offering me cigarettes while we were skipping class, then I was getting booze shoved at me after they dragged me to parties, and … and … then it was hanging out at Axel's house, passing a joint between us, or crashing at Demyx's, where Xiggy always had something up his sleeve …"

Sora was more than just a little unnerved. Oh, he wasn't naïve, his school had their fair share of potheads and stoners. But …

Roxas carried on, not looking at his cousin's face, "I don't know Sora, I really don't – it was really … hard, okay?" Roxas struggled, and managed to add, "It wasn't – maybe I shouldn't have done some of the stuff that I did, but I did, but whatever, you know? You can't change what's already gone down."

Sora couldn't argue with that, necessarily, but he had to bite his lip from saying anything all the same. Picking his words carefully, however, Sora commented, "Roxas, why didn't you say anything? If you were that … out of place, why didn't you call me? We always talk."

"I – " Silence. Roxas tried again. "I … Sora, it's not that simple. I don't know how to explain it, but … it wasn't a good year for me, you know?"

"Obviously, with the kind of stuff – "

"No, Sora, as in, even before that. I don't know – what I said before? It's been a long, long time since I had felt that … alive, that real. And I – "

A mixture of hurt, agitation and concern was wringing itself through Sora's system, and he couldn't help but bite out, "Great way to remedy the problem, Roxas. Because you're the only one who's ever felt that kind of pain."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Roxas asked meekly.

"Rox, come on. This has everything to do with your parents splitting, and then your dad gets married a year later. And I get that it must have hurt – " Sora couldn't believe the things they were saying, where was this coming from? He saw Roxas stiffen on the couch, but Sora ploughed on, "If you were feeling so shitty, didn't you think that I could have at least had something to say?"

Roxas replied carefully, "Sora, you wouldn't understand …"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I don't know what it feels like, to feel totally abandoned? What about my dad, huh? You think it's been easy, not having – "

"That's not what I meant! Look, Sora, no, no! You've got me all wrong! See, this is why I didn't – "

The hurt was evident in his voice now, Sora knew. He couldn't contain it, but … hell, it stung; Sora had always considered Roxas a number one confidant, and had always thought that this was a mutually understood thing. But knowing that during one of his cousin's darkest hours, Sora was pushed into the shadows? How was that – what did that –

"Right," Sora began, more heatedly then he'd meant, "So I guess those friends of yours were the best answer to that, huh? You were feeling like shit, and so why not find people to push you through the downward spiral, right? What the hell were you thinking, hanging out with – "

"DON'T!" Roxas burst out angrily. Startled at the interruption to his ranting, Sora blinked and studied his cousin. The blond was trembling, just a bit, and biting his lip very hard. And just as the trickles of shame were beginning to crawl in for Sora, Roxas spat bitterly, "Don't even go there, Sora. Look, you need to let me talk, if you want to hear this. And – and I'm trying my best, but if you're going to talk about my friends like that …"

To his grace, Sora bowed his head. He realized that his own fists had been clenched rather tightly, and little crescent moons were digging into his palms. Where had that come? That hadn't sounded like the himself at all – damn, so much pent up distress and fear at his ignorance, at his worries … Sora stood up, and began pacing the room. He didn't like this side of himself, not at all. Taking a deep breath, Sora realized he did need to hear this. And, regardless of his indignation, he supposed he didn't have a right to judge Roxas' friends. Friends were found in the strangest places and took the weirdest, harshest form, sometimes.

Sora stopped pacing for a minute, and looked at his cousin directly. "Okay. I'm sorry." Roxas nodded, mumbling his acceptance through parched lips. He supposed he should offer Roxas a drink, but for once, Sora couldn't bring himself to be that hospitable.

There was a pregnant pause, an awkward silence. Ever the instigator, Sora attempted to break it by venturing forward with, "So, then what happened, Rox?" He was relieved that his voice was softer, and far less confrontational now. "The rest is history?"

Roxas, even though he was sitting upright on the couch, somehow managed to curl up tighter. Closing his eyes for a moment, he took a deep breath and replied, "Ye-no. Sort of … well, I don't know. I think even Axel and Demyx started to notice that something was wrong, maybe. If anything was wrong. I was friggin' crazy, Sora, I think. I don't know, maybe I still am. But …

"It just, it just started to feel like I was working so hard. I was shoveling and shoveling away at this huge-ass hole in my own head, and-and … I was sinking deeper and deeper, and I was just so tired all the time, but I kept on shoveling. I'd keep doing things that even they thought was dumb shit, and I lost track, I think." Roxas was even paler now, paler than the chalk-white he had been before. Was that possible? Could a person be that ill? Sora's lower lip trembled a bit, but he said nothing. Giving a half-shrug, Roxas continued, "I just couldn't take it anymore. I had dropped out of the stupid freaking prep school, I was in this totally … foreign place and I was in over my head, but there was no way I could ask my dad to go back, I …

"And I always hated that place, you know?" There was a flush of colour to his cheeks now. An angry sort of pinkish tinge had settled in, and Roxas' eyes were brighter now.

Sora shook his head, not wanting to ruin the moment. Indeed, Roxas, glaring at the coffee table, spat it out: "Radiant Garden: home to the world's most pretentious, arrogant, big-headed elitists who spent all of their time, and all of their money creating crappy, phony art to reflect their pathetic, phony lives. I'm one of the dickheads, too, you know."

"That's not true – " Sora tried to cut in, but Roxas was in a full-blown rage.

"Don't even start that with me, Sora! We both know it. I sat in those drama classes, spending my days throwing myself into realities that didn't even exist because my daddy had the money so I didn't have to worry about the real world. Watch the pain set in, though, just watch, Sora. Watch how kids like us deal with actual shit, and watch them all do the same thing I'm doing now, only they've got expensive wines and grade-A speedballs instead of the shit I was tanking on."

Eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline, Sora wondered silently how he had never caught a hint of this vast expanse of bitterness from his cousin. Quietly, Sora sank into the single-seater and watched his cousin. Blue orbs flicking up to meet blue, Roxas continued, "I couldn't do it anymore, Sora. I had tried so freaking hard to get away from it all by dropping out the school, but it was always there. It's always there, at my house, you know? With my dad, and my step-mom, always … just …"

"What about Larxene?" Sora asked softly, because his curiosity got the best of him at the worst of times. If he hadn't been watching his cousin so intently, he might have missed the dark shadow that passed over Roxas' face before he answered,

"Yeah, her too. Not a lot of help, she is."

"So …"

"So I was frickin' crazy, Sora! I'm freaking stupid and the biggest dickhead in the whole world, and I tanked Sora, like you don't even know – "(Sora winced a bit here, but Roxas was too caught up to notice) " – and then, one day … I just … " Roxas chewed his lip thoughtfully, before finishing, "… snapped. That's it." He gave a pathetic, what-can-you-do sort of shrug, not looking at his cousin. Between them, a quiet settled. Sora, thinking Roxas was finished, was about to say something when his cousin very added, very mellifluously, "They took care of me, Sor. Maybe some people think it was their fault in the first place, but they've always looked after me."

Sora understood, but the pain was blossoming like a thorny rose in his chest. This time, though, instead of anger, Sora could feel the back of his eyes growing hot, and a lump in his throat when he managed to ask, "Rox … we were in touch that year. You came and visited for winter break. I sent you letter after letter, and you stopped responding after a while, remember?" Sora squeezed his eyes shut, and took a shuttering breath, before he continued,

"I called and you were barely there, even when you answered the phone. You – we've always been each other's closest family, I don't know, maybe I'm a sentimental dork – " Roxas made a noise of protest, but Sora shook his head, continuing, " … but I don't get it. Roxas, I was there. Roxas, it's been three years. How … how could you have kept this from me? Did something change? What's been happening with you for these last few years?"

It seemed impossible, but Roxas managed to duck himself somehow, even farther into his hood. Sora wasn't sure if Roxas was going to reply, but then it seemed his cousin mustered the courage to shake off his hood. His hands still in the hoodie's pockets, Roxas looked up and met Sora's eyes for the first time in what Sora realized was a long, long time. He held Sora's gaze, too, for an endless stretch of time, before breaking away and squeezing his eyes shut. Eyes still tight and jaw clenched, Roxas managed to say with painstakingly,

"I lied, Sora, okay? Not just once, or twice, but again and again and a-friggin-gain. It was one after the other, and I was on a roll, and you never questioned me, so I just kept getting away with it, and I just – I looked you straight in the eye and would say the same bullshit I'd tell my dad, or my mom, or –"

"Stop it!" Sora didn't even realize it was his own voice that had shouted. Roxas stopped immediately, eyes bright and face flushed.

Okay, okay. Sora was shaking a bit now, trembling. He was gripping his knees very tightly, and he just wanted Roxas to stop talking for just a few freaking seconds so that he could pull himself together. Sora couldn't even think of an answer to that. What was he supposed to say? "Why'd you do it? How could you do this to me? Don't I mean anything?" All of them sounded like stupid melodramatic lines from a craptacular soap opera, and Sora was not going to let things spin out of control like that. His life wasn't a TV show, it never had been, and happy endings did seem to elude him at every corner. Oh hell… Roxas had no idea …

" … I – I'm … I …"

"You're what, Rox? What are you?" That was harsh, but Sora couldn't stop.

"Sora – don't – I …"

"Who the hell are you, anyways?" he reeled, maddeningly running his fingers through his hair. "Apparently, everything I thought you were was one big act, right? Your teachers would be so freaking proud, had even the best of us fooled – "

"Sora, cut it out, don't – "

"Good job, Rox!" Sora didn't realize he was on his feet until Roxas looked up, and he realized they weren't eye-to-eye. "We're so freaking proud of you. You were trying to fool all of us – you were trying to dick around with me, and it worked. Okay? You win."

"That's not – "

Sora was shaking again, and he hadn't felt this angry in years. He felt so … stupid. So totally used. He always, always gave Roxas the benefit of the doubt – even when his best friend, his girlfriend, even when his mom pointed out that Roxas wasn't being Roxas, Roxas was being weird, Roxas …

"You really don't get it, do you? I've spent forever sticking up for you, forever trying to be there for you, but if you think it's okay to just toss that around, than fine! You don't think – "

"I know!" Roxas burst out, leaping to his feet. Anger and hostility had cloaked itself around him, and maybe, just a little bit, Sora was scared. "I know I don't think, I know you think I don't use my head, but you're the one who doesn't friggin' get it. You think this has been easy? You think I've enjoyed – "

"Oh, I see! You're the victim here, Roxas, poor you; you just had to lie to the people that actually care about you – "

"Yes! Yes, shit, Sora, I did! Because every time you called, and every letter you sent, was the best friggin' news I'd heard. It was always: you had your first girlfriend, you'd started your first band, high-school was awesome, you'd made a bunch of new friends, life was so freaking awesome, wasn't it? Just a walk in the friggin' park!"

Sora was so alarmed, he knew his eyes must have been as wide as saucers. Not only was Roxas bitter, but here, for the first time in his life, the poison of jealousy had laced itself through his cousin's words. Roxas – upper-class, ridiculously rich, fabulously dressed, witty, artsy, sarcastic Roxas – was seemingly full of treacherous envy. All the same, Sora didn't know what the hell was wrong with the both of them, because the next words out of Sora's mouth were,

"That's not an excuse. So if I was so freaking happy, than why didn't you try sharing the friggin' load on your back? Why not actually open – "

"Oh, come off it, Sora," Roxas spat. He wasn't shouting anymore, thankfully, but this quiet temperament ripped through Sora even more. "Who the hell would choose to make your life more difficult?"

"What's – "

Roxas gave a hollow laugh, and reached back, throwing his hood back up. Stuffing his hands into his hoodie pocket, he said acrimoniously, "You really don't get it, do you?"

Perhaps tactfully, perhaps callously, Roxas walked right past his chocolate-haired cousin.

The door clicked shut behind him, and Sora swallowed the hard lump in his throat.

LiD

What an incoherent mess.

Things had just spiralled from bad to worse within a span of twelve hours, and the fact that Roxas had lain there, nearly unconscious; the unspeakable giant chocobo of him hovering throughout the room had blown the tension out of proportions.

Naminé bit her lip as Riku followed silently behind her. A glance back told her that he had his hands shoved in his pockets, and he'd drawn the silver fringe of hair over his eyes. She had absolutely no idea what he was thinking, and it scared her.

She knew that he was pretty upset with the Roxas fiasco – what she didn't know was how upset he was over the fact that Naminé had known where Roxas had been the entire time – and that she'd been mingling with the enemy, so to speak. His anger served her right, though, she supposed – she herself had broken down in guilt and confessed to having known about Roxas within an hour of Sora bringing him into the room. But all the same, Riku's hate for Roxas was unfathomable, and she was uncertain of what it had done to her own relationship with Riku. He didn't really seem like the forgiving type.

Poor Sora. How had he managed with the two of them together was beyond her. Riku was ready to kill Roxas within a few seconds' glance – what would've happened over the course of several days? She cringed at the thought.

Naminé sighed. Finally arriving downstairs, standing undecided at the archway into the cafeteria, Riku still hadn't said anything, and she was wary of him. With an effort, she forced herself to turn and face him. He didn't meet her eyes.

"Riku…" Again, she chewed on her lip. An apology was in order here, even though she'd apologized a dozen times over the past couple of hours for her behaviour. She had an inkling, though, that it went unnoticed with both of the boys' minds preoccupied.

So she'd try again.

Clearing her throat, Naminé pleaded, "Riku." It was a moment before his intense aqua eyes met her own calm blue. Forcing herself to remain in control, Naminé continued, "Riku, please, I-I'm really …"

"Sorry?" Riku finished dryly. "Yeah, I bet the asshole is spewing the same crap to Sora back upstairs." Naminé bit back a groan of frustration as Riku swept past her, now that they were in the front lobby. The front doors were revolving around and around, as fellow hotel guests bustled through, carrying on with their own errands and affairs. Riku stopped before the doors, turning around for a brief second – Naminé couldn't hold it though, and let her gaze slip and hide behind a curtain of blonde bangs.

When she looked up again, Riku had left.