I sat in my room for a while, staring at the door. After a while I went out on deck to watch Sabin set off fireworks; we'd landed on the Veldt for that purpose. Celes and Setzer were over at the other end of the ship, and Gau was down on the plain, watching avidly but keeping his distance from the explosions. I didn't see Locke anywhere. I guess he'd gone to bed like a lot of the others. Relm showed up later, though, in her pajamas.
"Old man thought he could make me go to bed!" she reported scornfully, then climbed up to perch on the railing and call out vaguely ribald comments, first at Sabin, then at Setzer and Celes, who she accused of "necking." I'm not sure she knew what that was, since they clearly weren't doing anything of the sort. At Sabin's suggestion, I joined him in lighting a few rockets and moogle candles, but the supply was running low. When he and Setzer went to get more, I slipped back into the living quarters.
And ran straight into Locke. "Hey," he greeted me, with a wan smile. "Enjoy the fireworks?"
"I guess," I said, and edged past him, making for my room.
"Terra?" he said, and I stopped, half-turned. "Is something wrong?"
"I'm probably just tired."
"So something is wrong."
"I guess," I repeated, and turned to start walking again.
"Terra, wait. What is it?"
I halted, still with my back to him. "I don't know," I said, feeling my downcast mood strengthen. "I really don't."
"It's not about... I mean, I didn't upset you, did I?"
I shook my head. I had no right to be upset over that. It was just the reasonable course of action. But I made no move to face him, and then I said, "It's not just that," for no good reason at all.
"What is it? I mean, what else?"
"I don't know. I should be all happy. I mean, I'm alive, Kefka's not, the world's going to be okay. But it's not just you, I was sort of feeling that way to begin with. Like I lost something, missed a chance or.... something." I wavered, as if it might come to me, and then repeated, helplessly, "I don't know."
"You seemed happy, when you were doing the fireworks. I was watching from the kitchen."
"That's the first time since I can remember that I've lit a fire with a match," I said, softly, and then my eyes blurred with tears as I realized exactly what I'd lost. Godsdammit, I thought, hating to look weak yet again, and then he turned me to face him and pulled me into his arms.
"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked the top of my head, and I wrapped my arms around his waist.
"I have to be, I have the kids and all," I mumbled against his chest, and I felt his arms tighten. I don't know how long we stood that way, but it was long enough for me to stop crying.
"Listen, if you want to talk about it..." he offered, and pulled back, but his arms were still around me. I watched him as he studied my face. "Terra, you look exhausted," he said.
"I should," I answered dryly, and he half-smiled.
"I guess you don't want to talk, then," he said, and I shook my head.
"It's not that I don't want to, it's just I'm so tired I almost feel sick. Maybe tomorrow?"
"Yeah. You know where to find me..."
"Unless you're planning to hide," I agreed, pulling my face into a smile. He kissed me on the forehead.
"Now get to bed," he ordered, and I half-heartedly teased "Yes, master," before I turned to go.
I didn't sleep very well. I just laid there, trying not to think about anything, but especially not the way he'd held me or the kissing or the look on his face when he asked me to dance. Or about how Celes would feel if she knew. Or about the weird lack I was feeling. I dozed off, eventually, but I kept waking up again. Even so, I did feel better the next morning. Still not as buoyant as I had just after the victory, but better. After all, I was alive, even if I had no magic, and that was better than I'd been expecting a few days ago.
I brushed my hair, dressed, and wandered into the kitchen – Setzer's crew gave up long ago on trying to make us call it the galley – and then stopped dead in the doorway. Locke was lounging against the counter by the coffee percolator, and Celes was sitting at the table, holding a mug in both hands. But then they both smiled at me, so I guessed I hadn't interrupted anything.
"Feeling better?" Locke greeted me, and I nodded.
"It's strange, isn't it?" Celes asked, as I sat in the chair across from hers. "It's like having your thumbs tied to your palms or something. You just deal with the world differently." I guess he'd talked to her about how I was feeling, or maybe it had just hit her as hard.
"It's like I used to have another arm and it's not there anymore. Not like it was cut off!" I added, seeing their horrified looks. "Just like I reach for something that's not there. Which I guess is a better metaphor than a missing limb anyway."
"Like walking down a flight of stairs and missing a step," Celes added, and I nodded agreement.
"It's strange," I mused, leaning back in the chair. "I never thought I'd miss it." I always thought of it as a curse, something that frightened my children and my friends and gave me nothing in return.
"You're not in pain, though?" he asked us both, seeking confirmation. I shook my head, Celes said no, and he poured a cup of coffee for me.
"It just hit me last night, that's all," I continued. "I'm fine, I promise."
"Delayed shock," Celes agreed, as Locke handed me the coffee cup. "It happened to me too. Probably not as bad, magic wasn't as much a part of me as it was for you."
"It still was, though," I said, shovelling sugar into the cup. "I mean... you know what I mean. Is the cream over there on the counter?"
"I don't see how you can drink it like that," Celes said wonderingly, but Locke handed me the small pitcher. "If you're done, could we, um..."
"Oh, if you guys want to talk I'll get out of the way," he offered. I stopped myself from protesting. Surely I'd get another chance to talk to him before I left.
"Well, it's not exactly private... Setzer asked me to marry him."
"Again?" Locke asked, sounding amused, as I gaped. I turned some of the gaping towards him.
"It was while you were gone, Terra," she told me briskly. "He was going to make it a condition of using the airship, but I talked him out of it. Actually, I hustled him. It helped that he was blinded by hormones. At any rate, he asked me again."
"Did you accept?" Locke asked, and I think we both searched his face for traces of jealousy.
"No. He made the offer in case I couldn't find anything else to do."
"I thought he had a higher opinion of himself than that," I said, grasping the only part of this situation that made much sense.
"He was partially joking," she explained. "But I do have something else to do. Edgar's offered me a generalship in the Figaro military, overseeing the Narshe cleanup. Reclamation, we're calling it."
"Oh. Do you want it?" I asked, because I had some vague idea that she didn't, really.
"Actually, I do in a way. It's a nice, clear mission, for a good cause. And it's a volunteer military, so there go most of my concerns right away. I hope the troops will respect me, which would be the last one."
"I bet they're terrified of you, actually," Locke said, and I saw a shadow of irritation cross over her face.
"Probably," she said, practically biting out the word, and stood abruptly. "Terra, I need to discuss some things with Edgar. If you need to talk, you should be able to find me."
I nodded, and took a long drink of my coffee. When I lowered the cup, Locke was staring at me. "You're feeling better, at least, right?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Well, good." He sat down across from me. "You kind of had me worried..."
"I was just really tired, and it all sort of hit me at once. That's all. I'm fine now."
"Well, good." There was a pause. I smiled. He smiled, or maybe 'beamed' would be a better word. "You know what?"
"Um, what?"
"I'm getting into that castle. Edgar knows some scholars who are interested in that kind of thing, but they don't have much practical experience, because so many of those old sites have just been completely lost. But he's going to fund an expedition and I'll go along as an assistant or something, so I can learn."
"Locke, that's great!" I exclaimed, and he grabbed my hand, still smiling broadly. I sort of blinked at that, but he didn't seem to notice.
"Terra, you should come visit! Or write to me. You could at least write, couldn't you?" Maybe I hesitated, or looked uneasy, because he added, "Just as friends."
"Yeah," I agreed, quietly. "Locke, I'm really happy for you."
"Me too," he said, and we both laughed. I pulled my hand free, got up from the table.
"I'm going to go look for Celes," I said. "I think she might be feeling worse than she realized. I mean, that might be why she, um, sort of snapped at you."
"Yeah, good idea. I doubt she'd want to hear from me," he agreed. I just shrugged. I had a feeling that she would, though she'd probably want to hear different things from him than he'd actually say.
When I found her, she was staring at one of the paintings in the lounge. Setzer had brought in some of his collection, shortly after I'd rejoined them.
"Celes?" I said, and she jumped.
"Terra! You startled me."
"Sorry. Celes, are you okay? You seemed upset earlier."
"Oh, I don't know. Sometimes Locke just really gets on my nerves." It was an odd choice of phrase for her. She didn't use slang much.
"I thought you were in love with him," I blurted, and then braced myself; I'd never actually said that to her before. Which was odd, since goodness knows I'd asked everyone else I'd met about their romantic lives. Something about her always kept me from it.
"That doesn't mean he can't annoy me," she pointed out. "Besides, I think love might be overstating the case a bit. I don't know him that well, really, and we don't even have much in common. And I don't think he's actually interested in me."
"Oh." She was protesting too much. I never know when to shut up, because I added, "You really seemed—"
"I guess I was a bit stupid over him," she interrupted hastily, and then there was an uncomfortable pause. I cast about for a change of subject, any change of subject, and hit the worst one imaginable.
"Um, did Setzer really propose to you?" I'd managed to phrase it as though I doubted her story. This wasn't one of my better days.
"Not exactly. We were talking about what everyone would do now that it's over, and I said I had no idea, so he offered to marry me. Or make me a kept woman." I just stared at her. Of all the people I could not imagine as a rich man's mistress, Celes was at the top of the list. Not that there was much of a list. It's not a question I ponder much. "I declined, of course," she continued. "And then Edgar offered me the command. I'm not sure how well the troops will take it. That was really why I wanted to speak to you privately."
"They'll be fine," I said. "I mean, you'll be fine. You were always an amazing leader before, I don't see how that'd change."
She stared at me for a moment before she spoke. "...before? Terra, is your memory coming back?" she asked me, slowly, as if I were a frightened child. I guess that's the natural reaction to me.
"Some of it. Nothing specific, just bits and pieces. I remember that we knew each other, though I can't remember when we met or any details at all, really. It's all confused. I remember those horrible desks in school, and I remember your maid Elsie. She had red hair, didn't she? And she'd let us actually get messy when we played. We must have known each other since we were pretty young."
Celes just nodded, looking stunned.
"Is it... not good that I'm remembering things?" I asked, choosing my words carefully.
She straightened her shoulders a bit, managing to give the impression of shaking something off. "Well, no one's life is perfect," she replied.
"That's not an answer at all, Celes."
"I can't tell you what's good or not about your memories. Only you can do that."
"I'm glad I'm remembering. Even if it's not all good." I had a definite suspicion that it wasn't. A memory of a room full of glass, of a pale face with eyes like ice. A memory of more recent vintage, at Figaro castle, just after we'd escaped Narshe. I'd heard Kefka laugh, and my blood had run cold, a reaction closer to instinct than to logic.
"I'm glad that's how you feel," she answered, still evasive.
There was a footstep, while I was still trying to think what to say, and we both jumped and looked up, as if guilty. Sabin didn't seem to notice, though, just grinned at both of us. "I've been looking all over for you two! Come on out on deck, Edgar's gotten all royal again."
I think I saw Celes roll her eyes, and Sabin winked at her as she passed him on her way through the door. I hadn't moved. "Come on, Terra. If the speech runs on too long I'm not above loud snoring noises, so it shouldn't be that bad."
"You promise?" I asked, making myself sound deliberately hopeful as he ushered me out the door, and he threw his head back and laughed.