Chapter Thirteen
Once he was gone, I washed my face in cold water, and I spent most of the evening trying my best not to look puffy. When Locke and Celes came back they were talking, seriously but pleasantly enough, though they both went subdued when they saw me. I cracked some stupid joke to lighten the mood, and they laughed too much at it, and things were normal again for the rest of the evening.
Despite my best efforts, I was puffy, red-eyed, and while the kids didn't comment, I saw Kat and Duane exchange looks. I was determined not to give them a chance to ask, so I kept Locke and Celes around after dinner. Locke had let the kids drag him upstairs, possibly so that Celes and I could talk, or maybe just because he rather liked the kids. Probably the latter.
"Terra, I'm sorry," was the first thing out of Celes's mouth once we were alone.
"It's okay," I said. "I remember how you used to deal with arguments before."
"Yes, and I'm not one bit more mature," she said, and just as I was considering how to respond to that, she added "Obviously," and smiled, which let me guess it was a joke. I smiled back. "I also meant... in general," she added. "Sorry about what happened to you."
"Celes, it wasn't your fault!"
"I know that. I can still be sorry that it happened," she said. "Sorry I wasn't able to do more for you at the time."
"You were posted in Doma," I pointed out.
"Doma, Maranda... and I went, no argument. I just wrote irate letters to Gestahl about you. I never did anything."
"Like what? A jailbreak? I never expected anything like that," I said. "It was our life. I wouldn't have expected you to give it up just because I managed to ruin mine." That might have been part of my reason for not telling her; I hadn't wanted to make her feel guilty or obligated. Or maybe I just wanted to avoid pity, though. It could have been both. "And treason... do you remember ever thinking about it?"
"Not even when I committed it," she said with a sort of half-laugh. "I didn't even realize."
"What did you do?" I asked. "I don't think anyone ever said. You certainly didn't, and you went vague when I asked. I couldn't think up any kind of treason I could actually imagine you doing." When we were much younger, thirteen or fourteen, we used to make fun of the Returners, because what kind of idiots would seriously think they could overthrow the Empire?
"They never knew. It was your pendant."
Automatically, I reached for it, fingers closing around the stone at my neckline, warmed by my body. "What, did you booby-trap it?"
She gave me the strangest look. "You spend too much time with Locke. You're starting to think like him. But I guess I did. I mean, I gave it to you." That didn't make any sense, and it must have showed, because she continued, "I think the pendant was the thing the Espers reacted to when your powers flared up. Or it helped, it amplified your powers, something like that. You were wearing it when you went into the lab, weren't you?"
I nodded, hesitantly. Between the passage of time and Slave Crown, I could't remember. But I always wore the pendant, so I must have been. "I think it was the key to the Esper world," I added. "My father gave it to my mother..."
"I don't think even Cid realized the effect it had on Espers in your hands. He had no reason to. But all of your things were confiscated, and I knew that was the only thing you'd had since you were a baby, so I swiped it and gave it back." She shrugged. "That wasn't the only thing, but they were all little, stupid things like that. I was thinking seditiously, I just wasn't doing anything important about it, I thought. But I'd been in unauthorized contact with you, just before you escaped, and we'd been friends before that, of course, so we must have been conspiring. I pieced it together while I was being held in South Figaro, and Leo confirmed it later when I was recaptured in Vector."
"Gods. Celes, I should be the one apologizing to you."
"Don't be stupid," she said, then tried to soften it with a smile. "Neither of us had any idea, and it's obviously for the best. Can you imagine how things might have been if we'd both stayed on the side that had Kefka?"
I nodded, fidgeted with the flowers in the centerpiece. "Celes, can we, ah..."
"Change subjects, right." There was silence for a moment. "So how are you doing?" she asked.
"Not that one!" I protested.
"I'm sorry, Terra. It's on my mind, that's all."
"Mine too," I said, in a very small voice. "I don't want it to be. I lived and it's over, and... Did you ever see me back then? What did I act like?"
She hesitated. "Strange," she said, finally. "You were trying to act normal, but things were sort of awkward. You never got to leave your room and I was busy all the time, so we didn't have much to talk about. You didn't even have a calendar. You never knew what day it was. I'd tell you, but you'd lose track..." She trailed off, shook her head as if to clear it. "One thing I remember is that I wouldn't talk about Kefka – it seemed like you were trying to convince me it wasn't that bad, and I wouldn't hear it."
"But if it wasn't that bad—"
"The point is I wasn't sure if you were being honest about it. I didn't see how you could be."
"Why would I lie?"
"Why would you try to take responsibility for what he did?" she retorted. "Obviously I don't understand how your mind works. Don't you remember how you felt?"
Only in flashes. I had isolated memories, and I could tell myself I was afraid then, but I couldn't reconstruct the feelings, or even, really, the time of my captivity as a whole. Just parts of it. I shook my head. "Not really."
"So we'll never know for sure how you really felt back then," she said.
I worried a dead leaf off a daisy's stem. "I don't think I'd have pretended if I were really miserable, unless I've changed. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings now, am I?" She shook her head with a faint smile. "So I guess however I acted was how I felt." Unless I was just trying to convince her I was all right, the way I'd been doing these past few weeks.
"About what?" Locke asked, from the doorway, and I jumped.
"Uh, about, about..."
"This guy who's been calling on her lately."
"Celes!" I hissed, feeling my ears grow hot. A line appeared between his eyebrows. "He hasn't been lately anyway," I added.
"This that guy that's been after you most of the year?"
"Well, yeah, I mean, not after me... And not most of the year, either!"
"You ever need to get rid him, just let me know," he said, with that bravado I remembered from when we first met, and he winked. I huffed a little, or tried to at least, but I couldn't help grinning at him and ducking my head as if he'd paid me a compliment.
"Why would she want to get rid of him?" Celes asked. "She might like him."
"She could probably tell you if you asked," I said, but without irritation. "It's getting late, and we need to get these dishes put away. Ready to help?"
Celes looked tired, and like she was about to provide an excuse, but Locke said "Sure," and they both stayed. I kept quiet, subdued; at first we all did, but then Celes fumbled a wet glass and managed to catch it partway down, and then Locke and I applauded, and the two of them made occasional jabs and jokes for the rest of the time. I'd smile, or laugh, but keep quiet. I knew they were both keeping an eye on me, but I figured they'd notice if I were acting false.
I walked them out to the porch when they both headed back to the inn. Celes gave me a sympathetic smile and, after a moment's hesitation, she squeezed my arm and then moved away. Locke took her place in front of me.
"Listen, you need to talk, you know where I am. In the middle of the night, whenever." His hands sort of hovered, as if he wanted to touch me but feared actual contact might shatter me.
"I know," I said. Celes started down the porch steps.
"And if there's anything, I mean, if you get more of your memories back, you can tell me," he said. I just nodded, started to say 'I know' again and stopped myself. "I can't believe you went through remembering all this alone," he said, finally settling on touching my face, lightly. "How did you—"
"I didn't want anyone to know," I said, and there was stillness for a second. I pulled together a reassuring smile, looking into his face, and said, "We all need to get some sleep." He nodded, and I touched his hand before he dropped it. I watched him walk out across the square – Celes had waited, and when he caught up to her they walked back to the inn in step. It occurred to me that maybe we'd looked a little too close there on the porch, but it couldn't have been that bad, could it? She hadn't come back to attack me or anything. And I'd have to tell her sooner or later. Besides, she might figure it was nothing. It probably was nothing.
I worried over the thought like a dog with a bone as I changed for bed, but I was asleep almost instantly, and I slept soundly and all through the night for the first time in what seemed like ages.
The next day was a weekend, and the weather was beautiful. I left the diary on my desk, went outside to desultorily weed the garden. As the sun warmed my back and I smelled fresh earth, listened to the kids laugh and bicker and the dogs bark, Kefka seemed a part of the distant, implausible past. This was my life now. I was quietly happy, and more at peace than I'd been for a long while.
Locke joined me later, once the sun had really settled in and started baking my shoulders, and kept pretending like he didn't know which plants were weeds and which were vegetables. He was trying to make me laugh, and it worked, easily enough that he noticed and seemed to cheer up in return.
It was into the afternoon by the time Celes joined us. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" she asked.
"Mama, she's crazy," Margie called out to me from the shady spot by the shed.
"No, she just hadn't been out in it all day," I replied. "Or running herself ragged," I added, meaningfully. She, Henry and Annie were slouched in the shade, looking uncomfortable. Cassie, as usual, was sticking near me – and Locke. Charles had gone inside, Isabella was minding the store, and the boys had ventured off to go swimming. We were within a short walk of the shore, but I'd initially forbidden them to swim in the ocean, fearing monsters, the buried wreckage of their homes, the ocean turning to poison, anything – and the ban had become habit. They had a place some distance from the house, essentially a wide spot in the stream, but no monsters.
"You told us to play outside," Annie complained, listlessly.
"I actually asked you to help me in the garden," I said, and that quieted them down. I glanced up at Celes. "It is nice today, isn't it?" I said, even though I'd been out in it since the washing-up was done. I was wearing an old dress, full-skirted but without petticoats, and even with it hiked up to my knees I was still sweaty.
"What are you doing?" she asked, crouching down at the garden's edge. She must have just been trying to make conversation.
"Weeding," I said, and looked up to such an odd look on her face that I had to burst out laughing.
"I can see that," she said, mouth quirking into a grin. "Sorry," she added. "Needed a break from packing."
"Packing? You're leaving already?" Locke said, behind me. I watched her face, thought I saw a flicker of reaction, too quick to identify.
"Well, eventually. I have to start a bit in advance. When I travel now I don't just live out of my pack the way we used to," she said.
"Speak for yourself! I wear the same clothes days on end," Locke reported proudly. And inaccurately, but Celes still wrinkled her nose and replied "We'd noticed." We all laughed, went on to talking about other things – mostly news on Sabin and Setzer that Locke hadn't heard before but I had. The kids were playing some kind of game that involved hitting each other. I think it could have been rock-paper-scissors, but maybe they just felt like hitting each other.
"Dinner on the airship?" Locke asked, snapping me out of my reverie, such as it was. "Sounds to me like you two are seeing each other."
"That's what Terra said, too," she said, looking down at her hands for a moment. "I don't know, maybe we are."
"Well, congratulations?" he said. "As long as there's no kidnapping or forced marriage involved, you two have my blessing."
"That's a relief," she retorted, and he grinned at her until he finally made her grin back. Things lapsed into silence just for a moment, and then Annie announced they were going swimming, so I had to brush my hands clean and go over to argue with them, because the younger three could only go swimming if someone older was with them. The boys would do, but the boys dashed Annie's hopes by returning, damp and, for once, not sullen.
"But it's hot," Henry was whining, when I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Locke.
"I'll take them," he said, so they were off like a shot and I was left to call instructions after him – don't let them dive, don't let them get in the deep parts, watch for the poison ivy and the vampire vines – while he followed them. Cassie followed him, and when I called to him to wait, he turned and saw her, slowed down until she could catch up. They followed at her speed. I hoped my middle three wouldn't drown before he got there.
Celes didn't seem to have budged while the negotiations had been taking place, though Byram and Theo were both talking to her – like Isabella, they thought she was wonderful, though they thought so in a different way than Isabella did. Theo was chattering at her, something about a giant turtle – and I hoped very much that he'd been exaggerating about the size and viciousness of the turtle – while Byram just stared at her. She smiled, said something that sounded like "Very good," and Theo beamed at her. As I approached, Byram started to leave, and Theo followed, reluctantly, calling over his shoulder "I'll show it to you later!"
"I can't wait," she said, vaguely, but I doubt he cared about her tone.
"Boys," I said, meaninglessly, as I started on the tomato rows again. Cassie had not been kind to the marigolds, which meant I should have been watching her more closely.
"Yeah," she agreed.
"When is Setzer coming?" I asked. "When he brought you, he told me he'd stay a while when he came to get you."
"Ah, I'm not sure if he's going to manage that this time or not," she said.
"Why's that?"
"I'd... really rather get back to Narshe right away."
"Did we keep you too long?"
"Not on purpose," she said. I poked around a dandelion with a trowel. I actually kind of like the flowers, but I also like keeping my garden neat. "Terra, I know you're in love with Locke."
I stopped dead. It might only have been a second. It might just have been my heart not beating, so maybe I seemed normal. "I... How did you know?"
"Terra, you said it yourself. You don't hide your feelings. I sort of suspected, and..." She shrugged, stood up, shook out her shoulders. After a moment she knelt again, balancing so her light-colored pants didn't touch the soil.
"I'm sorry," I said. My hands were trembling, and the trowel tip was dug into the earth by the dandelion.
She just shrugged. I saw it in her shadow. Or maybe she just nearly lost her balance, crouched as she was. "It's... stupid. I was so proud of myself, being able to come here and hear about him and not... react like that. I could see him and just think of him as a friend, and then I start to notice the way you two smile at each other— It's ridiculous."
"It's not—"
"Terra, don't— I can handle it. Just be honest with me."
"What do you mean honest?" I asked. "I'm not lying to you, I just didn't..."
"Didn't tell me," she said.
"I didn't even tell him!" I blurted, and that was admitting it. "I'm not even sure he feels the same way," I continued, more quietly. I saw another shrug in her shadow. "Celes, I'm sorry," I said again. "I wasn't trying to—"
"Just stop it, Terra," she said, sounding angry. "I don't want to—" The shadow unfolded, her clothes rustled as she stood. "Listen, I'll see you later."
I finally made myself look up as she walked off. I watched the set of her shoulders and back, stiff and straight, proud, and I felt my stomach eating itself.