Chapter 5: Razor Boy and Brad Pitt

AN: Sorry I haven't updated in a while but my parents deleted everything off my computer including this story, so I had to rewrite this chapter all over again! They suck! But anyways, hope you enjoy it!

"And then they made me their chief!" Jack declared rather enthusiastically. Maria, who had been examining her cuticles while Jack proceeded to fabricate some loony tale about the Pineapple People of Tomato Island, looked up. She had no idea what pineappples had to do with tomatoes or the other way around but Murtogg and Mullroy seemed to be buying it so she didn't say anything.

Suddenly, and with perfect timing, Elizabeth's fashionably dressed body flew past them and hit the water with a rather painful sounding smack. She was followed by Rachel, who was screaming bloody murder and cursing like a sailor before she too hit the water, and her scream was cut off. Maria winced. Rachel could swim but the humongous dress she was wearing would probably drown her; she would never let her and Jane live it down.

"So, which one of you dipsticks plan on saving them?" Maria turned towards them with a smirk. "'Cause I definitely ain't" She grinned inwardly at her bad grammar. Her English teacher couldn't put an F on that one! She could already hear him screaming in agony somewhere in the present begging her to take her sentence back.

"Well, I can't swim." Mullroy offered, glancing between Jack and Maria. Jack rolled his eyes and Maria sighed in pity. Honestly, who would hire a soldier who couldn't swim? Whoever had put them to work had obviously flown off his rocker.

"Pride of the King's Navy you are." Jack sighed before pulling off his guns and effects and handing them to Mullroy. He turned to Maria. "Don't let them lose those alright, darlin'?"

She nodded and he turned and dove off the dock, straight into the water, leaving the guards and Maria in silence. She decided not to waste the opportunity and glared at them with a you-guys-are-such-losers-that-you-probably-still-live-with-your-moms face, one she normally used with her science teacher. They shrank away, huddling closer together if possible, and Maria rolled her eyes. They are so gay together.

"Grab the girl lass, I'm going back for the other one!"Jack suddenly appeared in the water, lugging an unconscious Rachel. Maria pulled her friend up on dock and Jack disappeared underwater again. Maria yanked a dagger from Mullroy, and sliced through Rachel's dress and corset. The second she pulled them off Rachel woke up coughing up water all over the place and swearing, unsurprisingly enough.

"I never want to ever, EVER have to experience that again, or so help me God I will fricking flip a sh-" SMACK! Maria slapped her friend hard across the face. Rachel's mouth opened and closed in shock for about ten seconds before she sat up and massaged her temples.

"I needed that, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did." Rachel nodded at Maria, who was wiping saltwater/saliva off her chin. They both stood up as Jack reappeared again, dumping Elizabeth's scrawny pale body onto the dock. Maria tossed him the dagger and he took it without a word, slicing open her corset. She reacted the same way as Rachel, sputtering up water, except it was Jack who got bombed in the face with her saliva instead of Maria, who dodged it with a grin.

"Darn it! I really thought the corset trick wouldn't work this time." Rachel muttered under breath. Maria rolled her eyes. "You know it always does, or else there wouldn't be a movie, smart one!"

Rachel frowned. "I know." She brightened again. "But I'm gonna keep hope ALIVE!" She pumped a defiant fist in the air. Maria sighed. All of this Elizabeth nonsense bored her.

Jack, meanwhile, was staring mesmorized at Elizabeth's chest where the medallion appeared to be almost glowing. Murtogg and Mullroy were discussing prices for boat rides to Singapore in whispers when suddenly Norrington's sword was suddenly glinting directly under Jack's chin.

"On your feet!" He demanded, looking rather flustered and quite angry. Another sword appeared under Maria's chin and she stood up defiantly. It was the man clothes. They had done her in.

"Watch where you poke that thing razor boy!" She muttered at Gillette and she heard Rachel mumble "Kinky!" under her breath. She flashed her friend a sly grin and winked at Norrington's right hand homie, who's cheeks burned pink in obvious embarrassment at her innuendo. Rachel laughed then tried to act solemn as some of Norrington's men rushed to surround her with a wall of safety. As if she needed it. Her mother hadn't made her take karate for 9 years without a reason! But, she realized it wasn't so bad when she noticed one of the soldiers, who happened to look strikingly like Brad Pitt, was checking her out.

"Are you alright?" Gov'na Swann bellowed as he helped his soaking wet daughter up. His face held a look of panic as Elizabeth assured him that she was fine. He then proceeded to look up at Murtogg and noticed him holding his daughter's precious torture device, and gasped. Murtogg pointed at Jack with a loyal he-did-it face.

"Shoot HIM!" The governor commanded and Rachel almost karate chopped through her wall of hot soldiers to shout a dramatic NOOOOO!!!! Unfortunately, Lizzie in all her moral and just glory, beat her to it, and Rachel stepped back to pout. Could she ever have her one moment of justice? Apparently not.

"Father, Commodore, do you really intend to kill our rescuer?" She stepped back to reveal Rachel, who in turn started to shiver in the almost non-existent breeze. Maria rolled her eyes and then scowled as another soldier's bayonet poked her in the arm.

"Watch it buddy, you can't buy these on ebay." She made a gesture at her chest and the soldier backed away. "I may look like a man but that doesn't mean I don't got the goods." Jack, who appeared to have heard their one-sided conversation glanced out of the corner of his eye at Maria and she smiled sweetly...while flipping him the bird. There was no way that guy was gettin' in her pants. He looked like he made of of AIDS.

Meanwhile, Jack was explaining the reason why is ship was an absentee. "I'm in the market as it were." he said, glancing shiftily around. Murtogg looked like he was about to burst as he tattled

"He said he'd come to commandeer one!"

"Told ya he was tellin' the truth."

"Oh shut up, the both of you!" Suddenly everyone turned to look at Maria as if truly noticing her for the first time. Everyone, except Gillette and the other guy.

"Who are you?" Governor Swann said confusedly at Maria and she gulped. Uh, who was she again?

"The name's Maria ...Maria Ambrosia Morgan!" She cringed at using the name of some wack, anorexic Vicki Secret underwear model (well of them modeled underwear, didn't they?), but that was the first thing that came to mind.

"Lies! Bloody blasphemy!" Mullroy shouted, scaring the crap outta them all. "You said your name was Maria Angelica Deep! Or Death or something..." He let his voice trail off into nothing as he noticed the wicked Doom-On-You glare Maria was firing his way.

"It's Depp, lard-bucket, if you had half a brain you'd get it right. Now shut up before I castrate you!" All the men in the surrounding area gasped, and a few were unable to shield their groin areas in shear terror. Who knew a woman was capable of such horrible acts? Gillette cringed and took the shock silently, though he stepped back aways, twitching violently.

"That's enough!" Gov'na Swan shouted his face purple with rage and embarrassment. Maria snickered, knowing that castrating him was probably not necessary. " Now, somebody had better tell me who this man is, or else I will personally watch you all hang at dawn!"

Maria faked a gasp and rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at Elizabeth who was still blinking in amazement at the castration comment. How prude.

"Stop it! " The governor exploded, wagging a chubby finger in Maria's face. "I'll have no more of your smart aleck comments!"

"Hey now!!! Come on, my good friends, can't we all just hold hands around the campfire and singsome lame-ass song that everyone hates?" Everyone turned at the same time to scream "SHUT UP!!" leaving Rachel quivering quietly against Brad Pitt or whatever the hot soldier guy's name was. Everyone but Norrington. Instead he looked at Jack evilly, a sly glint in his eye.

"This lovely lady is right!" He thrust out a hand in the general direction of Jack "Truce?"

Before Maria could scream DON"T DO IT!, Jack stuck his hand out, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" Maria slapped her forehead repeatedly, wishing that all the pathetic retards surrounding her would poof into thin air and maybe a little pixie dust for added Disney affect.

"AH HA!" Norrington somehow managed to laugh gleefully and sound like a loser at the same time. " Jack Sparrow!" He practically giggled, as he shoved up Jack's sleeve and began examining Jack's arm, speculatively.

"Oh and these are his as well!" Mullroy handed him Jack's effects and Norry pored over them, muttering "No additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point North." He unsheathed Jack's sword, snorting unattractively. "And I half expected it to be made of wood! You are, without a doubt, the most worst pirate I have ever heard of."

"I know something else that's made of wood." Rachel muttered under her breath, and Maria threw an appreciative glance at her BFF. Always such perfect timing.

Gillette and the other random staring guy, hauled her and Jack along, fastening chains tightly around their wrists. Maria kneed the other guy hard enough to make him loosen hers a bit; she was not in the mood to chafe. Rachel watched, her emotions torn as her bestfriend was put in chains. What she would give to be chained into a cell with Jack Sparrow! But now, as Maria was practically about to be hauled away to jail, she felt like falling to her knees and begging for Gov'na's forgiveness! What a vile, pudgy man! Fortunately, no one would be going to jail at that moment, as Gillette finally let go off Jack.

"Finally!" Jack mumbled, before wheeling around to throw his chains around Liz's pale, anorexic-looking neck. Maria, always thinking on her feet, searched the group for the best possible victim, before throwing her chains around the Random Staring Guy's neck. He smirked at her then, and she left herself a mental note to shoot him in the balls whenever she saw him again.

Governor Swan nearly had a heart attack, screaming, "No! Don't shoot!" as bunch of soldiers wielded their guns in Jack and Maria's direction. Jack, totally enjoying this moment, grinned slightly.

"I knew you'd warm up to me. Commodore Norrington, my effects please, and my hat! Commodore!" He glanced down at Elizabeth, who scowled pathetically back. "Elizabeth. It's Elizabeth, isn't it?"

Norry sped things up, handing Lizzie Jack's effects and she quickly and spitefully, put them on wincing as his all too curious eyes roved her wet dress. How perverted of him to undress a lady with his mind! Liz did not doubt that he hadn't done it before.

But apparently, Jack did not plan on mentally undressing Lizzie very long, because as soon as his perfectly worn tri-corn hat was set in place, he grabbed Maria around the waist and swung around landing on a beam above them. All heck broke loose below and the soldiers clambered for the guns, and shouted uselessly at each other. Rachel, however could only watch in pure admiration as her best friend and her latest obsession escaped. She sighed dreamily.

Such nice biceps.....I wonder if he'll let me braid his hair later.....

AN: And there you have it folks. The 5th bloody chapter that took me all night to write! I'm just happy that it's Christmas Eve though! YAY! Later i'm gonna make gingerbread men! Review and i'll possibly save a few just for you. Love you guys and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :]