Chapter 21 In the Garden

Amy murmured her thanks when he was finished and calmed her rapidly beating heart by taking another sip. She hadn't thought such casual contact could have such an effect on her, but the gentle touch of his hand on hers as he poured the wine had set her skin to tingling and had sent her heart racing. "Would you like to go sit outside? My mother's garden is particularly lovely this time of day."

"Sure," Bobby agreed. He scooped the bottle up off the counter and followed her. Amy stopped at the door to the garden and flipped a few switches on the wall next to the door. Entering the garden, Bobby stopped to take it all in. Delicate plants were beautifully arranged in pots and beds across the entire back of the three houses. There were trees and bushes with benches and seats nestled in among them and through it all ran a cobblestone pathway. Soft subtle lighting lent the perfect glow to the dim light from nearby homes and streetlamps.

Amy made her way easily down the steps and along the walkway, stopping at a bench under an elm tree, its sweeping branches providing a canopy of leafy privacy. She sat gracefully and patted the space next to her, looking up at Bobby as she did. Bobby felt as if he had just been transported back 25 years and was seeing Amy up close for the first time. He took his time sitting next to her, going to great pains to insure that the wine bottle was set safely out of the way but still within his reach. He used this opportunity to take a few deep breaths to steady himself. They still had much to discuss and Bobby needed a clear head.

"It's nice out here," he said. "I can see why you wanted to come out here. Your mom has done an excellent job."

"Yes, she has, hasn't she? It's my favorite place in the whole house. Dad has his library, Trey has the winery and Mom and I have the garden. I love to come out here at night and just sit and listen to the sounds of the city. It's like my own private haven."

The two sat next to each other and sipped their wine. The silence soon became uncomfortable; Amy struggled to think of something to ask. Finally, she dared to broach a subject which had her concerned earlier that day, Bobby's refusal to answer the phone. "You were very hard to reach today. Where were you before you went into the squad room?"

Bobby looked at Amy carefully as he considered his answer. Should I tell her the truth, that I was so upset by what had happened and fed up with the office gossip machine that I went out and got really drunk? He weighed his answer and quickly made a decision, one he hoped he wouldn't regret later.

"Are we using this time to start over?" Bobby watched Amy as she nodded yes in response. "Okay, then; I'll be honest. I went to a bar and got drunk; really, really drunk. Eames and Logan found me and took me home. I was sleeping it off when you called this morning. I had unplugged my home phone and turned off my cell phone. Eames came over and told me you were trying to reach me." He noticed her disapproving look and sighed, running his hand through his graying curls. "Look, you asked, and I answered," he said angrily. He stopped, took a deep breath and exhaled. "It's how I cope. I know it's not the best way, but you asked and I gave you an honest answer. That is why we're here, isn't it? To be honest with each other, come clean; figure out what we're going to do?"

"Oh, my God," Amy gasped. "Bobby, I had no idea. Don't you have someone you can talk to instead of getting drunk? What about Alex?"

"Eames? She doesn't need to hear about this." Bobby leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

"Bobby, I'm sorry. I didn't know…."

Bobby opened his mouth to speak, but decided against it. Keeping his anger barely in check, he set the glass on the bench and got up and began to pace. So many thoughts and questions were running through his head, but the main question, the one he vocalized, was simply, "Why?"

Amy took a large sip of her wine and watched him pace. She knew he would ask her that question eventually. How many nights over the last 25 years had she lain awake in her bed, trying to answer that very same question? She remembered what she had told him: she didn't to be a military wife; she didn't want her kids to grow up struggling with moving regularly and not being able to have a best friend; the fear of her husband getting severely injured or even killed. She thought of the stronger excuses next, and it was one of these that she chose for her answer.

"I didn't want to saddle you with a child you didn't want."

"How could you know that," Bobby retorted. "Did I ever give you the impression that I didn't or wouldn't have wanted kids? Like you pointed out earlier, we never had that discussion, did we?" Bobby stopped suddenly, right in front of her and glared down at her from his full height. "And, what gave you the right to make that decision for me?"

Amy thought he was now the scariest person she had ever seen, and she cowered under his glare. She spoke so softly he had to strain to hear her. "I didn't want to mess up your life, either."

"What," he roared.

"You would have felt like we had to get married. I didn't want you to have to marry someone you didn't love." As Bobby listened to her talk, he realized she was shrinking away from him. He suddenly realized how scary and intimidating he could appear when he was like this, so he stepped back, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender, an apologetic look on his face.

"Amy, Amy…I-I'm sorry," he stammered. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that." He moved over to the bench and sat down, keeping plenty of space between them. "Why would you think my life would have been ruined?"

"Your career with the Army was going really well. Having to marry me and raise a child could have messed that all up. I didn't want you to think I had done that on purpose just so I could get married. I also wanted to finish school and having to marry you and be in Germany would have messed that up for me." She looked at Bobby with a pleading expression, her eyes welling up with tears. "It seemed like the best way at the time."

"And now?"

"Now, I'm not so sure. There are times when it would have been nice to have had you around. I know Trey would have loved it, having a dad who was a big, brave police officer. It would have meant everything to him." Amy hung her head and turned away from Bobby, hot tears flowing down her cheeks.

Bobby said quietly, "It would have meant everything to me, too." Bobby reached over and gently turned her face to his. "To have had both of you in my life all this time. Do you have any idea what I've gone through in the last 25 years?" Amy shook her head. "It hasn't been easy. I don't talk about it much, but I feel like I need to be honest with you. My dad was a gambler and a drunk who wasn't around much while I was growing up. I told you about my brother; he's still having problems with drinking, drugs and gambling. I only see him when he needs something. And my mom," Bobby hesitated, unsure if he should continue. Amy placed her hand on his arm. "You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to."

Bobby shook his head. "No, I need to. My mom had schizophrenia. She was in and out of the mental hospital while I was growing up. I finally had to have her committed to Carmel Ridge. She died earlier this year from lymphoma. It would have been really nice to have been able to come home to you and Trey."

Amy was now crying softly, the tears pouring down her face. She saw the pain and anguish in his eyes, and cried even harder, sobbing and choking out her words. "And I, we, could have been there with you. I could have helped you. You would have been able to come home to us instead of an empty house. Oh, God, Bobby!" She lowered her head into her hands and sobbed. Bobby found himself drawn closer to her, to her need for comfort, a need he recognized in himself. He slid over next to her and gently eased his arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him and holding her while she cried.

A few minutes later, her crying slowed to a stop and she pulled back from him. She wiped her face with her hands and pushed her hair back behind her ear. When she looked up at Bobby, she saw her emotions reflected in his brown eyes: sadness, loss, pain; and something more, emptiness. Had she been forthcoming with him all those years ago, there might not be any emptiness in his eyes, she thought. Again, she apologized. She gently caressed his cheek and leaned forward until her forehead was resting against his. "I guess I really screwed up, didn't I?"

Bobby was silent, trying to put his thoughts into words. "I think we both screwed up." She pulled back, sat up straight and looked at him confused. "I could have argued more forcefully that night on the phone," he told her. "I had time off; I could have taken it, jumped on the next plane and showed up at your dorm room, ready to fight to keep you."

"Why didn't you," Amy asked him.

"I don't know. I was so angry at being dumped over the phone. Stunned that you would think everything that had happened didn't mean anything. I had to get out of the office, cool off before I hit something, or someone; I couldn't let myself take my anger out on my co-workers, so I went for a walk and a smoke. I stood outside for 2 hours, smoking and thinking. I finally decided that if that was how you wanted it, then fine, I would let you go. I would push past my feelings, all my love for you, my desire to share everything about me with you, and let you have it your way."

"I was serious back in the squad room the other day when I told you I had planned on asking you to marry me when you came back for Christmas. I had decided that you were worth it. You touched me in a way no one had ever touched me; I just felt like you were "the one", you know?" He rose and began pacing again; spilling his heart out, saying all the things he had been planning to say to her when he proposed all those years ago. "I was going to tell you about my family. You had been so non-judgmental when I told you about Frank, that I felt like I could tell you about anything and it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't change how you felt about me or looked at me or anything. You would have just taken it in and said, 'Okay, that's cool.' No one ever acted like that. Well, except for Lewis, but he's a guy, and we grew up together, so that's different." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, gathering up his thoughts again before he continued.

"Amy, not even Eames has been allowed as far inside of me as I was willing to let you in. I learned as I child not to say too much, not to let people in. Most people pitied me. I didn't want pity, I wanted acceptance. I felt like I would get that from you and I craved that. I still do, but now, I don't know if you can give it to me. I don't even know if I want you to give it to me. Does any of that make sense; because right now, nothing makes sense to me at all." He had stopped and was facing her, his hands in his pockets, head bowed.

"Yes, it makes sense, in its own convoluted way." She gave him a sad smile. "Until I found out I was pregnant, and got scared, I was going to let you in, too." He looked up at her then, sadness on his face. Amy thought she saw tears in his brown eyes, and she clasped her hands tightly together in her lap, resisting the urge to go to him and hug him; somehow she sensed that would be the wrong thing to do. She forced herself to continue, digging deep into emotions and fears she hadn't faced in a long time.

"I never had very many friends growing up. We moved every couple of years until I reached junior high, and I always felt like an outcast at school. I was the 'new kid' and by the time I'd been there long enough to feel like I fit in, that I belonged, Daddy would get word that he was being transferred and we'd be packing up and leaving. After a while, I closed off my heart and refused to let anyone get too far in so that I wouldn't be hurt so much when we left. It just seemed easier that way at the time. Once I reached junior high, Daddy was at Ft. Hood in Texas. We were there for 6 years. I was so happy. I met Susan and Kelly there. I had thought we would all go to A&M together, but when the whole unit got transferred to Germany, they decided to spend their first year after high school over there, traveling Europe and sight-seeing. Then they decided to go to University in Germany and I only saw them over my summer and Christmas breaks."

"When I first met you, I was swept away by your looks, your charm, and your dancing." She smiled at him and they both chuckled. Bobby returned to sit next to her on the bench; this time, they faced each other, sensing a change in the air for the better. "I thought, 'Wow, he has got to be the cutest guy here, and he's talking to me. Susan and Kelly were jealous; happy for me, but jealous. I floated home that night. I could tell you wanted to kiss me, but I figured if you were really interested in me, you wouldn't be turned off by not getting a kiss, you'd be intrigued and want to find out more about me. Then you were just so nice; you took things at my pace, understood my reasons without reservations, and I fell even harder. I began to sense the same loneliness and sense of not belonging in you that I felt in me and it was nice, you know. Nice just to be able to talk and share without fear of being turned away, of having you not like me anymore. I felt like I belonged with you, but was still so afraid that if I did anything to mess it up, you wouldn't want me anymore, you'd push me away."

"Why? What happened to you to make you so untrusting?"

"Do you really want to hear that tonight, Bobby? It's getting late and you have to work tomorrow. Can it keep for another time," Amy asked him softly, a slight tinge of regret in her voice at the lateness of the hour.

"I guess so," Bobby said as he stood. He reached down for Amy's hand and helped her rise from the bench. He tucked her hand in the crook of his elbow and they began to walk towards the house. "Can I see you again? Tomorrow, maybe," Bobby asked her.

"Hmmm," Amy thought. "Tomorrow I have a wine tasting for this year's vintage at a gallery in SoHo. I have to be there to schmooze and talk about the wine. I could use a date," Amy looked up at him hopefully. Bobby looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "I promise you, it will be fun. These things aren't usually stuffy. Once everybody gets a few glasses in them, they loosen up and we all have a good time. Please," she begged, pleading at him with her eyes. Playfully, she batted her eyelashes at him and smiled wide.

Bobby surprised her by throwing his head back and laughing. He threw his free arm around her and pulled her in for a hug, rocking them from side to side, before he planted a kiss on the top of her head. He leaned his head back and looked at her, a smile still on his face, this time his eyes were smiling at her as well. "Oh, Amy," he breathed. "I've missed you." He hugged her again. This time she pulled back and looked at him questioningly. "Okay, okay, you've convinced me," he chuckled. "I'll be your date tomorrow night. You'll have to tell me when and where, though. Work may mean I have to meet you there instead of here."

"That may work better; Trey and I have to be over there by noon to help get everything set up. I usually take everything I need with me and change there when we do these."

They were standing at the back door now, and Bobby opened it to allow her to go up the steps and enter before him. They made their way down the hall towards the front door. Amy stopped in her sitting room to write down the time and location for Bobby. He folded the piece of pale pink note paper in half and placed it in his pocket next to the picture he had shown her earlier. "What should I wear? Is this a formal occasion, or would a suit like this work fine?"

Amy smiled at him, taking in again just how handsome he looked tonight. "A suit like that will work just fine. Oh, you'd better leave your badge and gun in your car. I want everyone there to know you're my date, not the security detail." She flashed him another big smile and Bobby thought he would melt right there in the doorway.

He swallowed hard before he could speak. He kept his eyes on hers, unwilling to let the evening end. "Thank you for dinner," he said softly. "It was really good." Amy blushed under his intense gaze and compliments; Bobby thought she looked even more beautiful. He reached out and gently pushed her dark hair back behind her ear, as he did so, he heard Amy's sharp intake of breath and he looked intently at her, keeping his hand on her neck and caressing her cheek with his thumb as he spoke softly to her.

"I really did have a nice time. I know our conversation was hard and emotional, but I think it was necessary and worth it, don't you?" She nodded slightly, unable to take her eyes of him and unable to speak; the gentle caresses from his thumb were doing strange things to her voice and her thoughts were becoming jumbled. "We still have more to talk about, don't we?" Once again, Amy nodded dumbly. Bobby chuckled softly then, fully aware of the effect he was having on her. "I'll see you tomorrow night, then, okay?" Before she could nod, he leaned forward and planted the softest of kisses on her forehead then he slipped out her front door and was gone.