Anime Jeopardy

Here's the ninth game. Oh, and you know I only own Charles Tolle. I think this one is pretty funny because one of its contestants is fun and easy to ridicule.

Episode 9

Charles- And welcome back to Anime Jeopardy. You wouldn't believe the freaky shit that sometimes happens during games, such as all three contestants completely fucking up the first round and everyone has -12 520. Don't ask me how they did it. My guess is pure stupidity, which I never expected from you, Hiei.

Hiei- Well, Charles, expect the unexpected.

Charles- I guess. That's what I try to do as much as possible. So, I read that you get off by sucking a dildo before you stick it in a meat grinder and make odd moans.

Hiei- Actually, my identical twin brother does that.

Charles- Right.

Hiei- And to anyone who actually knows me, I'm currently seeing a few therapists.

Charles- I knew it. Might Gai, you're a very strong man.

Gai- I know. Thank you for the compliment, Charles. Lee, if you're watching this, just know that I'm telling you to always do your best. I know I'm losing right now, but I'm doing my absolute best. I owe the world, after all.

Charles- That's very deep. So, tell me, are you gay?

Gai- No. I'm a man, and men do not love other men. It's wrong. I mean, can you imagine liking touching another man's junk? That just doesn't sound right.

Charles- Here's another Republican. And finally, Himura Kenshin is also here.

Kenshin- Hello to all fans of my creator Nobuhiro Watsuki. Please, give him a big round of applause, for his success, and more importantly, me. Oh, and give Charles a big round of applause for his amazing mind and body. No homo, I'm just saying that you're very brave and powerful to take all those drugs and not get addicted.

Charles- It means I'm crazy as hell. Much like the three of you. So, Kenshin, is it true that you touch little boys?

Kenshin- Yes. I mean, no! Do you mean, you know, bad touches?

Charles- If a bad touch is one on the penis, yes.

Kenshin- Yes. I mean, no! No! Never!

Charles- Another celebrity exposed. Okay, back to the game. Because you fucked up and ate up the first board, we're going to refresh it. I don't want to do it, but the others say I have to. We were saving these categories for Double Jeopardy in this game, but I think we can use them here. They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS, FRUIT OR OCEAN, METALS THAT START WITH "TITANI", PLANETS, and MANSLAYERS. And remember, this is still considered the first round, so we've removed one of the Daily Doubles. Okay, now to determine who goes first. Which one of you can name my girlfriend?

Hiei- None.

Gai- A slut.

Kenshin- Bounty hunter.

Charles- None of those are names, but Kenshin knows her job, so he goes first.

Kenshin- I knew I could do it. Now, where to do it. Oh, by the way Charles, do you have any sons?

Charles- I don't have any children.

Kenshin- Pity. Okay, I'll take Colors for 200.

Charles- Answer: opens door to reveal blue square What color is this? Gai.

Gai- It's, uh, it's square. ()

Charles- The category is colors, not shapes.

Gai- I know that, Charles. That's the color square. When you mix orange with circle, you get square. Duh.

Charles- I am now convinced that you are retarded. Kenshin.

Kenshin- It's penis! ()

Charles- Kenshin, penis is not a color, either. It's a body part.

Kenshin- No, Gai is wrong. Orange and circle gives you penis.

Charles- Subtracting circle from orange gives you penis. Hiei, what color is the board there?

Hiei- It's red. ()

Charles- Well, at least your answer was a color. The board was blue. And remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question.

Hiei- That's backwards. Questions are answers and answers are questions. That's the opposite of the world system.

Charles- Not my problem. I'm not answering the questions. Okay, I'll move on to Gai. Would you like to pick a question?

Gai- I think you're really asking me if I want to pick an answer, Charles. But the question to that answer is yes. Give me Fruit or Ocean for 500.

Charles- And that's an Audio Daily Double. How much?

Gai- If any of my students are watching this, take a lesson from my actions, and always gamble wisely. 10 000, please.

Charles- You just told your students to always gamble wisely.

Gai- Seeing as I have 12 720, 10 000 is a good safety net should I guess incorrectly. I'll still have 4 000 dollars if I'm wrong.

Charles- That's some really bad math.

Hiei- Just give us the question.

Charles- Okay, Gai, listen up and tell me if it's a fruit or an ocean. Audio: Orange Is that a fruit or an ocean?

Gai- Neither, it's a color. ()

Charles- It is, but is it also, I don't know, a fruit?

Gai- You can't fool me, Charles. It's a color.

Charles- You're hopeless. (takes a swig of alcohol) Hiei.

Hiei- It's an ocean. ()

Charles- No.

Hiei- The sixth level of Kirby: Nightmare in Dreamland is the Orange Ocean.

Charles- I know, I've played the game. That's not the answer we're looking for.

Hiei- You do know that it's grammatically incorrect to end your sentence in a preposition.

Charles- You're right, Hiei. Let me rephrase that: That's not the answer we're looking for, you three-eyed ass-fuck. And because it's not an ocean, it's a… Kenshin.

Kenshin- Remembering that this is Jeopardy, what is a vegetable? ()

Charles- Ho. Ly. Shit. An orange is a fruit. Okay, I'll save us some trouble and pick a category. Let's go to Planets for 800. This is the planet we are on currently. ...I know you know this. Thank you, Gai.

Gai-…

Charles- I'm waiting.

Gai- And I'm thinking. ()

Charles- And you're out of time.

Gai- Impatient, are we?

Charles- No, you're just stupid. Kenshin.

Kenshin- I know that the answer is Mars. ()

Charles- No.

Kenshin- Well, fuck you, then. I like to think of us living on Mars because I like it better there than here.

Charles- That's very nice, Kenshin. Do you also play with dollies in your spare time?

Kenshin- I have every Barbie Doll that ever existed.

Charles- Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Hiei. A hint, it starts with "E".

Hiei- England. ()

Charles- No.

Hiei- Oh, right. What is England? ()

Charles- That's not right.

Hiei- England starts with a goddamn E.

Charles- It does, but that's not correct.

Hiei- No, you're not correct! Capisce?

Charles- What the fuck ever. What do you want now, Gai?

Gai- I was going to try again. Unlike my esteemed rival Hiei, I know when an answer's wrong. We are on the planet of Egypt. ()

Charles- No.

Gai- Goddammit.

Charles- Come on, people. If you don't know this, you'd have to be completely brain-dead. Kenshin, on what planet are we?

Kenshin- You said it starts with E, right?

Charles- Yes.

Kenshin- What is Egg? ()

Charles- And at this point I'm convinced that the three of you have some sort of learning disability. Okay, I'm going to be fair for once and let Kenshin pick a category.

Kenshin- I don't want to pick.

Charles- Or we can go to Final Jeopardy.

Kenshin- Oh, no, we can't have that. Let's go with Fruit or Ocean for 100.

Charles- Thank you for picking our Final Jeopardy question, Kenshin.

Kenshin- Noooooooo! It can't be over now!

Charles- It's over now. Answer this question, or question this answer, depending on how you look at it: Is a banana a fruit or an ocean? Thirty seconds, good luck. ( ) Let me tell you up front that a banana's not an ocean. If it's not that, it has to be the other. I know you know what it is. ( ) Time's up. Let's see what you wrote instead of the word "fruit." We'll start with Hiei, who wrote down "What is an ocean?" That's not correct, and your wager is a million dollars. Wow. You are a total idiot.

Hiei- Charles, one put-down equals two pick-ups.

Charles- Here's two pick-ups for you, Hiei: You're a ssa-bmud and you're not dumber than a window like I thought you were. You have the intelligence of a window. Moving on, Gai wrote "Ocean." (looks away, breathes heavily, and puffs on a bong) It's a wonder these drugs haven't killed me yet. Your wager is…also a million dollars. Holy shit.

Gai- Charles, you know better than to use that kind of language.

Charles- You're the one who said "goddamn" earlier in the show. That's worse. Moving to Kenshin the pedophile, you wrote down "Where is an ocean?"

Kenshin- That's my answer and I'm sticking to it.

Charles- I feel like I want to kick you in the balls. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you wagered a million dollars. And I'm right. I'm also going to guess that you three set the game up like this on purpose.

Gai/Kenshin/Hiei- Yes, we did.

Charles- I knew it. And did Ash pay you to do this?

Hiei- No.

Gai- No.

Kenshin- Yes. No!

Charles- I thought so. Well, you all managed to finish the game with -1 024 320. You've now given 002 a goal to shoot for. I hope you're happy.

Hiei- Charles, what did I say about the prepositions?

Charles- Suck it, Hiei. This was Anime Jeopardy, I'm Charles Tolle, and you three are a burden to society.

Is it better, worse, or no change? Whatever you say is your opinion. I'm finishing the month.