Kim and Shego's latest squabble was short-circuited by an unwelcome interruption: Bonnie Rockwaller, clad in the kind of swimwear they write novelty songs about, with a volleyball tucked under one arm
Kim and Shego's latest squabble was short-circuited by an unwelcome interruption: Bonnie Rockwaller, clad in the kind of swimwear they write novelty songs about, with a volleyball tucked under one arm.
"I want to set up the volleyball net. Can you two dykes take a break from publicly groping each other and move your crap outta the way?" Bonnie shuddered theatrically. "God, Possible ... now I know you're a lesbo my skin crawls whenever I think about you ogling me when I was showering, or changing after practice!"
Kim, still kneeling over Shego, very deliberately ran her eyes up and down her former high school rival.
"Trust me, Bonbon. Lesbo or not –" So not! "- I never had the slightest interest in ogling you."
Shego twisted to look up at the third woman, giving her an appreciative leer.
"I don't know, Kimmie. From what I see, you oughta rethink that – hey!" She broke off with a yelp as Kim swatted her bikini-clad butt. "What the hell, Pumpkin?"
"Stop checking out Bonnie. Your eyes have done quite enough wandering for one morning."
"It's not my fault your mom's a MIL-"
"Shego!" Kim slapped her hand over the pale woman's mouth.
Bonnie paled.
"Oh gross! You two are perverts!"
The tanned brunette stormed off, leaving a red-faced Kim to glare at her green-skinned companion. Shego glared back, then the angry look in her eyes suddenly turned mischievous.
"Nyah!" Kim let go of the green woman's mouth. "Did you just lick my hand?"
"Made you let go, didn't it?" Shego smirked. "Just relax, Kimmie. And try not to think of where else my tongue has been."
"Trust me, I've been trying not to think of that ever since you stuck it in my mouth last night. My poor middle class sensibilities may never recover." Kim placed the back of her hand against her forehead and mockingly pretended to swoon. Despite herself, Shego chuckled.
"The lesbian taunting really doesn't work on you, does it? At least when it's not about your mom."
"You checking out my mom doesn't freak me because you're both women. It freaks me because she's my mother." Kim huffed. "My very happily married mother."
"No need to worry, Kimmie. I only plan to look, not touch." Shego waved a hand easily. Then her attention returned to her original point. "But even six months ago that line about my tongue would have sent you running to disinfect your hand. So what changed?"
Kim sighed.
"If I answer that, will you tell me what you've been doing since we fought the Lorwardians?"
Shego frowned.
"... Kimmie, you know I have to give an honest answer to any questions you ask me, right? I mean, that was one of your conditions for this whole deal."
"Yeah, I know. But I ... I don't think that gives me the right to just ask you anything I want." Kim shrugged. "I needed to know I could trust you when it mattered. That's why I asked for that condition. Not so I could pry in your private life."
"That's noble of you."
"Ha ha."
"No, really. I mean it. It's dumb as rocks, but it is noble. If you had to tell me the truth, I'd ask you all sorts of embarrassing things."
Kim laughed.
"Well, I am a hero. So, do we have a deal? You tell your story if I tell you mine?"
"You sure you want to know what I've been up to, Pumpkin?" Shego drawled, with a feline smile. "You may be disappointed in what you find out."
"I'll take that chance." Kim colored slightly, "I've been dying to ask you, actually."
"Really?" Shego raised a shapely eyebrow. "Why the interest? It can't just be my winsome personality."
"After the Lorwardians were driven off and you and Drakken got your pardons ... you just vanished. Dropped out of sight. Not even Wade could find you –"
Shego snorted.
"Sounds like your misgivings about prying in my personal life weren't such a big deal back then."
"... yeah. Sorry." Kim shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. "But things were a mess after the invasion. It was a perfect opportunity for causing trouble, and there were villains coming out of the woodwork ... I had back-to-back missions for three weeks straight. When you disappeared, it set off a lot of alarm bells. Especially when we couldn't find you, again. Global Justice had 'round the clock surveillance on Drakken for months, in case you turned up with him. Maybe they still do."
"How is Dr D?"
Kim shrugged.
"Last I heard he was still reformed, living in Boston and working for a research company. After a couple of months I figured that as long as he's not trying to take over the world ... or Canada ... his life isn't really any of my business. I figured the same about you, until you showed up at my parents' house."
"Huh. I'm kinda disappointed I was that easy to forget."
Kim rolled her eyes.
"Ego much? Anyway, I wouldn't say I forgot you. You've given me too many bruises for that. I just figured that if you weren't causing hits on my site, I should stay out of your life. And speaking of your life ..."
"Nuh uh. You first, remember?"
"Oh, right." Kim folded her hands in her lap, looking a little unsure of herself. Shego had to fight a sudden urge to give the younger woman a hug. Where the hell did that come from?
"Today would be nice, Kimmie." The green woman covered her earlier impulse with sarcasm.
"Well, you know I went to school in Paris? The only person I really knew there before I arrived was Francois Dumas -"
"The stylist?"
"You've heard of him?"
"Of course I've heard of him." Shego waved off the question. "Do you know him well? Can you get me an appointment?"
"You want an appointment?"
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to get style tips for my complexion?"
"Well, after we get out of here, I'll see if he can make some time for you." The redhead looked nonplussed by the turn of the conversation. "Uh ... where was I?"
"You were explaining how you've been holding out on me about actually having friends who aren't buffoo –" Shego paused. "Who aren't Ron."
"Good save." Kim noted dryly. "So I was scheduled to arrive a week before school was started, and Francois said he'd show me around town, and introduce me to his niece, Dominique, who was going to the same university as me."
"So far, so happy families. So what?"
"You know Francois is a bit ..."
"Gay?"
"Flamboyant." Kim said, firmly. "I've met his wife. She's lovely. Anyway, Dominique was kinda the opposite. Very straight-seeming on the surface –"
"But a raging dyke underneath it all."
Kim frowned.
"Who's telling this story? And that's kind of a mean-spirited way of putting it –"
"As a raging dyke myself, I disagree."
"TMI, Shego. Also: stop interrupting. That's a new rule."
"You and your rules." The green woman rolled her eyes.
"Whatever. So Dominique was really into other girls. And all her friends were really into girls, as well. Her female friends, anyway. So basically, I hung out with Dominique for a week, and by the time I started school, I knew practically every lesbian in the place. And you know what people are like. They see a girl who does martial arts and rarely wears dresses and hangs around with outspoken lesbians –"
"And they somehow get the impression you're a lesbian, too? I wonder why." Shego smirked. "And I gotta admit, Kimmie, you did ping my gaydar the first time we met."
"What, really?"
"Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya."
"Hate you." Despite her words, the redhead smiled.
"Hate you, too. So you hung out with lesbians, and everyone else thought you were a lesbian. That's it?"
"Pretty much. I spent four months getting propositioned by other girls, being told far more than I needed to know about their sex lives, and hearing the kind of dumb things bigots will say when they think you're gay and don't realize you know eleven forms of martial arts. I've got pretty thick-skinned about that stuff. The End."
"Huh. That story sucked. I want my money back."
"Shut up and stalk talking."
Shego just looked at the redhead, who slowly colored.
"Okay, fine. I realize that you can't do both." Kim admitted. "I meant 'stop critiquing my story and tell me yours'."
"Actually, Pumpkin, I'm glad your story was so plain, because like I said – I think you're going to be disappointed with mine."
"After the build up you've given it?"
"Smart ass. So, you already know I dropped out of sight after the UN got done handing out pardons. And you set Nerdlinger to look for me. How many of my alter egos did he find? Six? Eight?"
"Eleven."
"Not bad. Boy's got some skills. But I've been setting up and hiding fake identities for myself for years. I've got dozens of them. Had dozens, anyway. A lot of them had unfortunate accidents over the last six months. The eventual beneficiary of all those estates was Anne Shirley, a freelance travel writer who recently bought a nice house in the suburbs of Montreal."
"Anne Shirley? Not Sheila Go, or something like that?"
"The idea was not to be found, remember." Shego snorted. "Anyway, Anne's only a temporary identity. And I certainly can't keep her now I've told you about her. I might have given up crime, but I don't want GJ keeping tabs on me."
Kim frowned.
"Wait a second. 'Given up' crime? Past tense?"
"Uh ..." Shego could have slapped herself in the forehead. Nice going, you green goof. "I said 'giving up'."
"No you didn't." Kim shot her a hard look. "You said 'have given up'. Saying 'have giving up' wouldn't make sense."
"Look, it's not that big a deal, okay?" Shego sighed. "It's not like I had an epiphany and decided that my lifestyle was wrong and I had to make everything right in the world. I just realized that I'd never have a better chance to retire and enjoy my ill-gotten gains. How many times in my life was I going to be offered a full pardon for all past crimes? It was an opportunity so good, even Drakken could see it."
"But if you already gave up crime ... why did you let me make you do that cheer routine?"
Shego sighed.
"If I'd told you then that I wasn't a criminal any more – at the very time I was inviting you to a competition to crown the King of Thieves – you would have passed out from laughter."
"Fair point." Kim acknowledged. "It's pretty hard to believe, even now."
"Yeah, well it is true. Can you think of any other reason why you didn't get a single hit about me on your site in six months?"
"Actually, I did get a few hits ... but they were all imposters." Kim hastened to add, when she saw Shego's face darken. "None of them gave me anywhere near as much trouble as the real thing."
Despite herself, Shego grinned at the comment.
"Well, I hope you kicked their copycat asses. There's only one Shego."
"Thankfully."
"Screw you, Possible."
"Not without flowers and dinner first, you won't."
Five minutes later, Bonnie Rockwaller stomped her way back across the beach. She was trailed by one of the competition staff, who was struggling under the weight of the volleyball set.
"Gawd, are you two perverts still in the way? The least you could do is move, after I've done all the work bringing the net down here!"
"Yeah." Shego shot a glance at the sweating staff member. "I can see how hard you've been working."
"Are you moving or not?" Bonnie huffed.
Kim sighed.
"We'll move –"
"- as long as we get the first game." Shego interrupted.
"What?" Bonnie glared. "I get the first game."
"Calm down, drama queen. You need two players on each side anyway. All three of us can play."
"Wait a second." The tanned brunette raised a hand. "No way am I playing against you lesbo freaks. You'll be slapping each others asses and doing that stupid boob-bump thing all the time. I don't need to see that."
Shego snorted.
"You know, for such a 'phobe, you sure seem to spend a lot of time thinking about what lesbians do."
Bonnie Rockwaller. Speechless. That didn't happen very often. Kim couldn't help but giggle. I wish I had a camera.
Bonnie heard the giggle and shot Kim a glare.
"Yuck it up, Possible. The whole of Middleton is going to know about your perverted little relationship."
Shego's eyes narrowed as plasma crackled around her fingers.
"Like hell they will!"
"Shego, relax. It's no big." Kim gently touched the green woman's forearm. She smiled at the disbelieving look the older woman gave her. "Really. Think about what I told you earlier. Besides, if I can deal with all the fake nudes of me that people post on the internet, I think I can deal with this."
"I still say you should let me beat this bitch."
"That'd be assault. You're giving up your life of crime, remember?" There was the very faintest hint of a pout.
Shego sighed.
"I hate you."
"Hate you, too."
"Ugh." Bonnie folded her arms. "Get a room."
Shego growled softly, causing the tanned woman to take a half-step back. The green woman huffed and rose to her feet.
"Fine. I'm going to go find a partner for the game. Kimmie, you get bitchy boots here on your team."
"Why me?" The redhead mock-pouted. Fortunately, the pretend expression didn't have the impact of a real one.
"Because if I was on the same side of the net as her it'd be much harder to aim the ball at that nose she kicks sticking in our business."
Bonnie squeaked, hands instinctively flying to cover her face. Kim merely gave the green woman a stern look.
"Shego."
"Fine!" The pale woman spread her hands. "No more tormenting the closet case. You guys set up the net while I find a partner."
"You asked my mom?" Kim hissed.
"Hey, I'm going up against a Possible. Only fair I have one of my own." Shego looked smug, then leered a little. "Besides, every time I serve, she's going to be bending over in front of – ow!" The green woman gave the redhead a glare. "You know, Pumpkin, if you keep smacking me on the butt like that, I'm going to put you over my knee and see how much you like it."
"Not as much as you, I'm thinking."
Despite herself, Shego chuckled.
"You're probably right. So ... want to make this game a little more interesting?"
"As long as whatever you've got in mind doesn't involve spanking."
"Nice idea, but not what I had in mind. How 'bout this: if my team wins the game, you have to sleep in the bed for the rest of the tournament."
"Why do you care where I sleep?"
"I don't. But you do, so this is just one of the few ways I can still mess with you."
Kim laughed.
"Okay, you're on. But when my team wins, you have to sleep on the couch for the rest of the tournament."
"Done." They shook on it.
A coin toss gave Shego's team the first serve, and the green woman took the ball herself. She swept her arm up, and struck, and the ball zoomed over the net, crashing down between Kim and Bonnie before either had a chance to react.
"Holy sh-" Kim realized her mother was present and clamped her mouth shut. "Wow."
"One-nil!" Shego called, a smug grin on her face. A little too smug. Kim's eyes narrowed. The green woman was up to something.
So when Shego made her second serve, the redhead's eyes were firmly locked on the pale woman's hand. There was a tiny flash of green just as Shego's hand struck the ball.
"Foul!" yelled Kim, interrupting Shego's celebration of her second ace.
"What are you talking about, Pumpkin?" The older woman did her best to look offended. "That serve was perfect."
"That serve was plasma-powered." The redhead rebutted. "Plasma powers are cheating. That means they're a foul."
"There's nothing in the beach volleyball rules about not using plasma powers." Shego objected, folding her arms. Kim, not in the mood for arguments, simply looked over at Mrs Dr Possible.
"Mom?"
"No plasma powers, Shego."
The green woman sighed.
"Yes, Sarah."
"And the scores are back at nil-all."
"... yes, Sarah." The green woman's reluctance was palpable. Kim snickered, drawing a baleful glance from Shego.
"I'm glad you find something so amusing, Pumpkin. We'll see if you're still laughing come bedtime."
"Trust me, Shego. Seeing you on the couch will have me in stitches."
Unfortunately for Kim, her bravado was not born out by the events of the next fifteen minutes. Her mom and Shego raced to a 12-7 lead. While Kim and the green woman were evenly matched, their partners were not. It wasn't that Mrs Possible was that good a player. She was more athletic than Kim expected – I guess all those step classes do pay off – and had a good eye for the ball, but she had no real idea of the tactics of the game. Plus, she didn't seem to be taking it very seriously. She giggled whenever she flubbed a move, even if it meant she'd landed face first in the sand. Kim wasn't sure what to make of her mother's giggling. It was disturbing, somehow.
So the difference between the two teams wasn't Anne Possible. It was Bonnie Rockwaller. The brunette was in great shape – and she still filled out a bikini in a way that Kim couldn't help but envy – but it wasn't her athleticism that was the problem. It was the way she tentatively 'dabbed' at the ball all the time. It wasn't such a problem on defense: Bonnie could get to the ball and keep it alive just fine. It was on offense that it became a nightmare. The brunette's tentative jabs at the ball usually sent it on slow, looping arcs that Shego mercilessly smashed out of the sky. Which meant that Kim was really the only one who could score points for her team. Having only one option for attack was really hurting their score.
To make matters worse, the game had drawn a crowd. The other competitors and tournament staff alike milled on the sidelines, cheering for one team or the other. Even Mr Possible was there, wearing garishly colored swimming trunks and unashamedly barracking for his wife rather than his daughter. Kim shot him a wounded look for that, and he shrugged.
"Sorry, Kimmie-cub, but your mother's on my team for the tournament. I have to keep on her good side."
Finally, Kim lost patience with Bonnie's behavior.
"You've got to hit the ball, Bonbon!" she snapped, exasperated. "What are you afraid of? Breaking a nail?"
"Well, duh." Bonnie displayed her perfect fingers. "This is a four hundred dollar manicure, Kim. You may not have to worry about your looks any more, now you've gone all lezzie, but some of us still have standards to maintain."
"You have to be kidding!" Kim slapped a hand over her face. "Why would you start the game if you're afraid to hit the ball properly?"
Bonnie didn't answer, but her gaze shot over to Senor Senior Junior, who was lounging on one of the recliners with a complicated-looking cocktail in his hand. Kim followed the look, and groaned.
"You're doing this to please Junior? He's the only person not watching!"
"Oh please." Bonnie folded her arms. "Like my motivations are any different from the rest of you."
"What?"
"Come off it, Kim. Your mom's totally out here to please your dad. Look at the way she giggles every time she misses the ball, or hugs him every time she scores a point."
"But –"
Bonnie ignored the attempted interruption.
"And don't even get me started about you and your freaky green girlfriend. The two of you have spent this entire game showing off for each other."
"I have not –"
"That dive you did on the last point? The one where you nearly knocked over Falsetto Jones? Tell me you didn't do that for her benefit."
"Uh." Kim was tongue-tied. She couldn't exactly protest that she was trying to show up Shego, not show off for her. Bonnie would just give her grief for being in denial. "Fine, whatever. It's all just lesbian foreplay. Can we at least try to win the game?"
Bonnie did seem to make a bit more of an effort, but soon the score stood at 14-11, with Shego serving for the match. Kim sighed. Well, at least the score-line isn't a total humiliation, even if everything that comes after it will be.
"I am sorry to interrupt, ladies." Senor Senior Senior stepped out of the crowd. "But it is my duty to inform Ms Shego and Ms Possible that it is time for their mission to begin."
Kim beamed. Yes! Saved by the ... well, saved by the supervillain.
"Aw, come on, Triple-S." Shego put her hands on her hips. "I've got Kimmie beat –"
"Only in your dreams, Shego!"
Senior shrugged his shoulders at Shego's objection.
"I am sorry, Ms Shego, but rules are rules. You must leave immediately if you wish to remain in the competition."
"Just one more point."
"Immediately." Senior was steadfast. "Unless your game of volleyball is more important than this tournament."
"Arrrgh!" Shego bellowed in frustration, spearing a glowing first through the volleyball, which deflated with a sad little hissing sound. "Fine. C'mon Pumpkin. Let's go find out what we have to steal."
Author's Notes: Looks like Kim and Shego are the first to be sent on their tournament mission. Maybe that means the next chapter will actually feature something other than bikini-clad women. I'm sure you were all tired of that, anyway :)
Because I am a dork, I am hugely amused by the kids' book reference in this chapter.