Anime Jeopardy

Here's the fourteenth game. Oh, and you know I only own Charles Tolle. See one of my rivals in the second round.

Episode 14/Part I

Charles- Welcome to another episode of Anime Jeopardy. We have three contestants again, so that means the game can go. Originally, Ash Ketchum was going to be here, but thank God he fell ill, which is not because I put Ex-Lax in the cake I gave him for his birthday tomorrow. I put cyanide in that cake. Someone else put Ex-Lax in it when I wasn't looking and he must have eaten the Ex-Lax slice instead of the cyanide slices. Oh, well, at least he's not here. Replacing him is someone smart, Kurama. Welcome.

Kurama- Thanks. I originally came here hoping to watch your sketch show, but I guess that won't happen.

Charles- You know you can spend the night until Saturday. Our other contestants are Mr. 2 Bon Clay of Baroque Works…

Mr. 2- Oh, come my way, Anime Jeopardy! (pirouetting around the studio) I am the swan okama! I am the swan! I am he! I am she! I am it! I am everything!

Charles- You're everything but decent. Our other contestant is Don Kanonji from Spiritual Hot Trips or whatever the show is called.

Kanonji- It's Spontaneous Trips to Spiritual Hot Spots.

Charles- Whatever. It's a show I don't watch.

Kanonji- Then you should!

Charles- You're on season break right now, and your show is being shown while we're filming this live. Good luck to all of you in the first round. The categories are: THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T PUT IN YOUR NOSE, CRIMINAL DEMONS, BAROQUE WORKS, SPIRITUAL SHOWS, FINAL FANTASY (we're pretending that category doesn't exist), and finally, because it was brought to me that there should be at least one category all three of you can handle, SHINY OBJECTS. Kurama is our smartest person, so he'll go first.

Kurama- Okay, I'll try my luck with Things You Shouldn't Put in Your Nose for 1 000.

Charles- You would use one of these to write a letter. Mr. 2.

Mr. 2- Swaaaaaaaan, swan! What is a chair? ()

Charles- I'm afraid not.

Mr. 2- SO YOU! are saying that you shouldn't put a chair up your nose, am I right, or am I right, or am I (breathes in) DEAD WRONG!

Charles- You can't even get a chair up your nose. And you sure as hell don't write with one. Don.

Kanonji- I think the answer is a stapler. ()

Charles- I think it isn't.

Kanonji- And you're the host.

Mr. 2 (taking a new form)- Here's my Clone-Clone Montage! I now have a new body completely! (reveals himself to have Kanonji's hair, Kurama's eyes, and a new nose, as well as suspicious looking breasts) I am now Herma-man!

Charles- You're a freak.

Mr. 2 (in Charles's voice)- You're a freak.

Charles- That's what I get for shaking everyone's hand before we began the show. The answer was a pencil, a pen, a marker, a crayon, or a paintbrush.

Kanonji- You don't write a letter with a paintbrush.

Charles- It's still an implement one can use to make a picture or words on paper. The main point is that you shouldn't put it up your nose.

Mr. 2- Like a CHAIR!

Charles (growing impatient)- MOVING ON, we'll take Shiny Objects for 200. The answer is: takes out a necklace with a big jewel on it Whoever can stay mesmerized by this can win 200.

Mr. 2- I AM THE SWAN! ()

Charles- I think that might be grounds to lose money.

Kanonji (sounding hypnotized)- I love the jewel…

Charles- Glad to hear it. That's…(notices the jewel is gone)…What the hell? How'd it disappear on me? (notices Kurama is gone) And were the hell is Kurama? He's supposed to be playing this game. Wait a minute…(checks his own podium to see that all shiny objects are gone) Son of a bitch. Oh, well, I guess we'll have to go to Spiritual Shows for 500. Okay, I'll set the wager…

Mr. 2- 91 000!

Charles- I was going to set the wager at 1 000.

Mr. 2 (in Charles's form)- And I set the wager at 91 000!

Charles- Stop bastardizing my face, you rabid she-male.

Mr. 2- I am not a SHE-MALE!

Charles- Well, I have no idea what the hell you are. The wager is 1 000.

Mr. 2- The wager is 6 000!

Charles- 2 000!

Mr. 2- 91 000!

Charles- 84 000!

Mr. 2- Good enough!

Charles- 77 thou…oh, shit.

Mr. 2- Yeeeeah, not so tough now, are you, Tolle!

Charles- The answer is: This show is about a girl named Joan from Arcadia. Don.

Kanonji- What is The OC? ()

Charles- No. Since the wager is this big, I sincerely suggest you THINK before you speak. Mr. 2.

Mr. 2- Laguna Beach! () Sorry, what is Laguna Beach? ()

Charles- NO! Don, don't even…

Kanonji- What is The Hills? ()

Charles- At this point, I don't think the two of you can get any stupider. Never mind.

Mr. 2- The ANSWER to the QUESTION, or QUESTION to the ANSWER iiiiiiissssss! Swan Lake! () I MEAN WHAT is Swan Lake? ()

Charles- And you just got stupider. The answer was of course Joan of Arcadia. Okay, there is obviously no reason to continue the first round at all, so we'll take a break, and when we return, it will be time for Double Jeopardy.

Episode 14/Part II

Charles- And welcome back to Anime Jeopardy. In case you can't tell by the look on my face, yes, the first round made me want to stick my dick in a paper shredder. That said, let's look at the scores. Mr. 2 is in third place with an impressive score of -337 200.

Mr. 2- Yeah, yeah, come my way and all.

Charles- Now he's acting out of character hoping to annoy me. I'll move on, to Kurama, who's come back and is in first place with 0.

Kurama- It's not my fault. I had to go to the bathroom. Bad. Badly, if Hiei is watching.

Charles- You stole all of the shiny objects and escaped without me noticing.

Kurama- I am a thief, you know.

Charles- I know. And finally, Don Kanonji is in second place with -169 000.

Kanonji- I think my podium might be possessed. I shall now commence to exorcise it!

Charles- Do you really think I give a rat's ass? Better luck to all of you in the second round except maybe Kurama. The categories are: LETTER OR NUMBER, IS IT SAFE TO DRINK, NOD YOUR HEAD, BEFORE AND AFTER, HARD ON THE HEAD, and finally, FIGHTING FOR FOO. Before we begin, I would like to say our last category is about the Foo Fighters, so unless you really know at least one answer, we're going to skip it. What, Kurama?

Kurama- Why couldn't you have done a category about Nirvana?

Charles- Ask Akira. He writes all the categories. Okay, Mr. 2 is in third place, so we'll start with you.

Mr. 2- Oh, come my way, board! I'll take Is It Safe to Drink for 1 600!

Charles- Molten lead. (blank stare from Mr. 2, while Kanonji continues to "exorcise" his podium, and Kurama is gone again) Great, Kurama ran away again. For a fox, he's a real big pus…Mr. 2.

Mr. 2- The answer isyes! ()

Charles- That's not correct. And since there are only two possible answers and we've ruled out yes, that means the answer is…Don, you really should ring in now. Okay, Don.

Kanonji- This podium definitely…(with Mr. 2) SMELLS LIKE MEAN SPIRIT!! (())

Charles- I just took money from both of you. The answer is a resounding FUCK NO! You'll fucking DIE if you try to ingest SOLID lead, let alone molten, which means melted, as well as really fucking HOT! Okay, Don, it's now your board.

Kanonji- I'll take Letter or Number for 200.

Charles- You may wager up to two thousand dollars.

Mr. 2 (half whispering)- Wager 680 800.

Kanonji- That sounds a good number. 680 800, and that's my final decision.

Charles- I think you mean Mr. 2's final decision.

Kanonji- We made the decision together.

Charles- Fine. Your freakin' funeral. The answer is: H.

Kanonji- That's a tough one.

Charles- It's not that hard.

Kanonji- No, it is.

Charles- It shouldn't take anyone this long to figure out if the LETTER H is a LETTER or a number.

Kanonji- I'm just going to say a number. ()

Charles (breathing heavily)- It's not that bad, Charles. SOME PEOPLE are just challenged.

Mr. 2- What is a number? ()

Charles- AND SOME ARE JUST PLAIN FREAKIN' RETARDED! Mr. 2, I swear if you speak…

Mr. 2 (with Charles's face)- What is a punctuation mark? ()

Charles (totally pissed)- I don't know why you think the LETTER H is a punctuation mark, BUT IT'S NOT, YOU FUCKING MORON!

Mr. 2- Language and temper, my friend.

Charles- I hate you.

Mr. 2- It's my board, right?

Charles- Sure, why not?

Mr. 2- I'll take Hard-on Head for 400.

Charles- Hard-on Head? (looks at board, seeing that Hard on the Head has the crossed out and a hyphen inserted between Hard and on) Okay, Ash, I'd like to know…

Mr. 2- Ash? He's sick at home, remember? Someone put Ex-Lax in the cake you claimed to have laced with cyanide. If you look, you'll see I do my work with a magic marker, not spray paint.

Charles (looking at the board)- That is a marker. Then who are you?

Mr. 2- Watch this transformation trick! (takes off mask to reveal 002)

Charles- Mr. 2, I already know you can use your Devil Fruit power to change into people you've met. I'm not surprised you know 002.

002- No, I am 002. The real Mr. 2 played for me in the first round, then when you called it over, I came in disguised as him. (removes the rest of his disguise) Now that you know, I don't have to play in this gay-ass outfit.

Charles- What did you offer to Mr. 2 as an incentive for him to play for you? You offer to fuck him at the end of the show?

002- No, that's something you would do. I offered him money.

Charles- Seeing as this is your second appearance on this game, and given the way you played your first time, it's very obvious you don't care about winning money. Cyborg 009 is no longer being filmed, so how are you making money?

002- The other cyborgs and I are a baseball team. Well, Dr. Gilmore plays and 001 manages. We play like the Harlem Globetrotters, and we get paid to come to different stadiums and perform. Now that we've gotten to know each other a bit more, I'll take Hard-on Head for 400.

Charles- No, but 400 is a good number. Instead, we'll go to Is It Safe to Drink for 400. Goddammit.

002- I already have a wager. (looks at his score) Oooh, this'll be fun. 3 404 000.

Charles- No, if you're wagering that amount, that just means it's time for Final Jeopardy. The category is…

002- You have to try the Daily Double now that a wager has been offered. I checked the official game show rules.

Charles (trying not to get angry)- Now I really want to put my dick in a paper shredder. The answer is: clean water. At this point, I don't give a shit. Just say yes or no. 002.

002- …

Charles (almost whining)- C'mon, don't do this to me. I'm dying here.

002- Why are you whining? ()

Charles- Because of what you just did. (breaks down crying)

002- C'mon, Charles, no matter how gay he is, or how cheap his favorite suits are, no wildman should ever cry like that.

Charles (suddenly coming to his senses)- You're right. (hits a button and zaps 002) There, I've gotten that out of the way. Now we can go to… (notices his third contestant) Oh, now you come back, Kurama.

Kurama- I wouldn't miss Final Jeopardy for the world. For the galaxy, maybe, but not for the world.

Charles- I'm glad to hear it. The category is YEARS. And the answer is: What is the current year? ( ) This really isn't hard at all. You'd have to be dumber than dirt not to know this. ( ) Time's up. Let's see if you know this or not. We'll start with 002, who wrote down…okay. I don't want to know where you were going with that or where you wanted to go, but a year is a number.

002- That is a number.

Charles- No, me 69ing with a hippopotamus is not a number. We move on to Kurama, whom I didn't see doing anything…and I'm right. Nothing at all. Your choice. We now move on to Don Kanonji, who wrote down…

Kanonji- I now command the evil spirit possessing this podium to come out! (pulls out his Super Spirit Cane and starts singing the Cleansing Lyric)

Charles- Is that Linda Blair?

Kanonji- Where? (looks away long enough for Charles to punch him)

Charles- That's all the time we have for today's game. The final scores are in order: -5 106 000, 0, and -851 400. This was Anime Jeopardy, I'm Charles Tolle, and if I have to relive this game, I will stick a steak knife up my ass because that has more intelligence in it that any of this.

How was this one? Does anyone know the SNL game from which I borrowed Final Jeopardy? And stay tuned for Episode 15, a new rival will be born!