Anime Jeopardy
Here's the fifteenth game. Oh, and you know I only own Charles Tolle. Another rival is born.
Episode 15/Part I
Charles- Welcome to another episode of Anime Jeopardy. Even though this show has become a huge staple in my franchise, and know that I love my franchise to death, it's making me want to vomit on a plate and eat it again without any salt or pepper. To the game. Today's contestants are Shiba Ganju from Bleach…
Ganju- I'm gonna play to win!
Charles- L Lawliet from Death Note…
L- I'm not L, nor am I Ryuzaki. I'm Ronald McDonald right now.
Charles- Yeah, whatever. And our final contestant is Uzumaki Naruto from Naruto.
Naruto- I'm gonna win on Anime Jeopardy! Believe it!
Charles- I really wish he wouldn't say that. Hearing it over and over gets more annoying than a Hurricane Chris/Hanson/Soulja Boy/Jonas Bros. concert. Good luck to all three of you in the first round. The categories are: SLUMS, SIMPLE MATH, THE NUMBER 2, AN AUCKING PAIN IN THE FSS that category is about switching the first letter of one word with the first letter of another word, so we might want to skip it, TOXINS, and finally, THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T PUT UP YOUR BUTT. (looks surprised and slightly disgusted) Okay, L's our smartest man, so he ...what, Naruto?
Naruto- I don't see how this bug-eyed hunchback could beat me out as being the smartest here. I demand a recount!
L- Noisy thing, aren't you. (takes out a chocolate cake) I brought some snacks with me and I thought I'd share with you three.
Ganju- Forget it, detective boy. I hate you, I hate your series, and I'm allergic to chocolate anyway. So there.
Naruto- I don't want any of your stinkin' cake, you freak!
L- Charles?
Charles- I'd love a piece, L. Thank you very much. (goes to L's podium and takes a piece) You do know that I don't accept bribes.
L- Of course not. I'm just being friendly. Besides, Watari thinks I should go on a diet, so I didn't have dinner when I came here.
Charles- Aren't you worried he'll watch this and see you eating cake?
L- No, he doesn't watch TV much.
Charles- We're broadcasting straight to computer. (takes a bite of cake)
L- Oh. And he does spend a lot of time on YouTube. That could be trouble.
Charles (looking somewhat disgusted)- What's wrong with this cake? It's awful.
L- Oh, you're eating the slice that has shampoo and toothpaste in it. (Charles spits out the cake and glares at a snickering L)
Charles- I've just revoked your privilege of picking a category. Ganju will pick first. But before he does that, there's a rule I'd like to lay down a second time. (pulls down the chart) Today's a day where I'll enforce the rule strictly. No cursing. Understand? Ganju, pick a category.
Ganju- I'll take Simple Math for 100.
Charles- Answer: 0+0…Naruto.
Naruto- Seventeen! I'll take Simple Math for 200! () Aw, shit! Why wasn't that right?
Charles- First of all, zero plus zero is not seventeen. Second of all, I said no cursing. You lose five thousand dollars every time you say a word that's on the list here that you can clearly see. Ganju.
Ganju- I know seventeen isn't right, it's twelve () and shit is not a swear word.
Charles- Actually, it is. It's on the list.
Ganju- Well, so is whore, and that's not a swear word.
Charles- Okay, technically it isn't, but it's not a good word to say. Just say prostitute.
Ganju- Whore has fewer syllables.
Charles- I'll just take money from you and move to L if he has an answer.
L (looking up from his podium)- What? (sees everyone looking at him) Oh, I'm supposed to answer the question. I forgot. What was it?
Charles (trying to maintain his patience)- What is zero plus zero?
L- This is Jeopardy, and you're giving us weak-ass questions like that? No wonder you hate the world.
Charles- I don't hate the world, I just hate people who can't answer these simple questions. It's not that hard. You should know this.
L- I do know it, but there's no point in answering if the other two are incapable of answering this easy question. They should try and learn it. Does that mean I lose money now?
Charles- I can't penalize you for not answering because I called on you without you ringing in and you didn't attempt to answer. I am penalizing you for cursing.
L- That's a stupid-ass rule.
Charles (ignoring him completely)- The answer was zero. Zero plus zero equals zero. A pre-schooler would know that. It's still Ganju's board.
Ganju- I'm suddenly not sure if I like being here. One contestant is an annoying little butt-head, another one thinks he's high and mighty because he's some freaky big shot detective with bad posture, and the host is always insulting the contestants. I don't even know why Kukaku makes me watch this with her every night. It sucks.
Charles- I agree with you all the way, Ganju, but I insult the contestants because they often have it coming. Are you going to pick a category or not?
Ganju- No.
Charles- You could have said that sooner. Naruto, pick something.
Naruto- Finally! I'll take that category about fucking pain in the ass for 500.
Charles- No, the category is An Aucking Pain in the Fss. Wow, why'd I choose now of all times to lay down the no cursing rule? That was kind of stupid on my part.
L- Now you've reached the intelligence level of the contestants.
Charles- No, I know what zero plus zero is.
L- Only because it's written on your cue card.
Charles- I don't know why you think I'm going to let you insult me, L.
L- We all know that you actually don't know shit, Charles. You can barely read.
Charles- I can read just fine, L.
L- Would you like some lemonade? (offers him a cup)
Charles- I know you peed in that.
L- Actually, I didn't. You have my word. (Charles walks over, takes cup, and takes a sip) I jizzed in it. (Charles spits out the lemonade as L laughs)
Charles (highly angry)- I will go back to explaining the category Naruto picked. And Mr. Uzumaki might want to pay attention to this so he understands.
Naruto- Yeah, I'm listening.
Charles- I have to break the no cursing rule to explain this sufficiently, but as soon as I've finished explaining, the rule goes back into enforcement. The phrase is supposed to be "a fucking pain in the ass." I switched the f at the beginning of fucking with the a at the beginning of ass, so I have aucking and fss, which aren't really words. Thus, the category reads "an aucking pain in the fss." I know you don't get it, but let's try it anyway. The explanation's over, by the way.
Naruto- I get it. I don't know why you seem to like fucking pain in the ass, but I get it.
Charles- You don't get it, but I'll try it so that we might get somewhere. The answer is: Himi Jendrix. Naruto.
Naruto- Genital herpes. ()
Charles- No.
Naruto- Then what is the answer?
Charles- I know it without my cue cards, but I have to see if the other two know it, which they probably don't.
Ganju- I do know this, Charles. Don't count me out. I even know this is a person. Who is James Earl Jones? ()
Charles- No.
Ganju- I have no idea what you might have against the great actor who voiced Darth Vader in the Trilogy, but the answer is James Earl Jones.
Charles- I like Star Wars as much as the next guy, and James Earl Jones is a great actor, but he's not the right man. L, I suggest you use Ganju's response as a guide. He was right in coming up with a famous black man. I'll give you a hint, he's a dead rock star.
L- Who is MC Hammer? ()
Charles- MC Hammer's not dead.
L- His career is, and that makes him dead to me.
Charles- Well, time's up. The answer was of course Jimi Hendrix. I get the impression that a break would do all four of us some good, so let's take one.
Episode 15/ Part II
Charles- And welcome back to Anime Jeopardy. You may notice that I'm wearing a different tie than before the break. Also, I must apologize for what happened during the break. For those of you wondering, suffice it to say that L doesn't believe in using toilets or toilet paper. Don't ask me why he used my tie, and don't ask me how he managed to use it. I'm only going to say that he's cleaning up the mess after the game.
L- Well, I say when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Charles- That said, let's meet today's contestants. Mr. Uzumaki, you yearn to be village hokage.
Naruto- That's right! And I'm gonna do it, too! Believe it!
Charles- You're starting to get annoying. So, answer me this. Are you a Satanist like Sakura told me you were?
Naruto- No, I'm not Satanist. By the way, have you started dating Sakura?
Charles- No, I thought that's what you wanted.
Naruto- On the show. In real life, Sasuke goes out with Shino, I date Ino, and Sakura dates Chouji.
Charles- Okay, I knew Sasuke was gay, but I wasn't expecting that.
Naruto- So, are you ever going to date Sakura when she dumps Chouji's fat ass?
Charles- No. I still haven't forgiven her for her little prank in the eighth game. Okay, screw you, L. Mr. Shiba, my friend. I must say I'm a big fan of you.
Ganju- Thank you for the support, Charles, but I always hoped I'd have a bigger demographic than wildmen in cheap suits.
Charles- I don't know why my suits are such a big topic of lampooning around here. I like these suits, and I'll have anyone who doesn't like them know that this one actually cost a pretty penny, as did the first TIE THAT I WAS WEARING, L!
L- I still say when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Charles- Never mind that the men's room is that way. Back to the game! Nobody has answered correctly all game, abut L had the closest answer to the last question with a male black musician, so he'll pick.
L- I'll take the category about my previous evacuation.
Charles- I'll take that to mean The Number 2. How much?
L (sipping some coffee)- Surprise me.
Charles- I find your actions throughout this game to be highly offensive towards me. For 800, the answer is: This is how many ears you have. Ganju.
Ganju (counting on his fingers a bit before responding)- Seven. () Oh, yeah, what is seven? ()
Naruto- How much is seven? () You can't take money from me! That's bullshit! It's "how much" because you asked us about numbers!
Charles- The category is The Number 2 because the answer to every question in the category is 2.
Naruto- That's stupid!
Charles- It is, and yet you still messed up. L.
L- Would you like some coffee? ()
Charles- No, I hate coffee.
L- Dang. And this was the legit cup.
Charles- I see you pocketing the instant dissolving laxative.
L- Damn, you're sharp.
Charles- I told you, no cursing. I'll pick a category. Let's go to Simple Math for 1 000. The answer is: 7-2… Look, this isn't hard. (L giggles) What's so funny, L?
L- You just said "hard".
Charles- Obviously, you didn't eat your matur-ios this morning. Naruto.
Naruto- I know the answer! Believe it! Seven minus two equals eleven! () Twenty-three! () Fifteen! () Seven! () Oh, yeah, what is eleven? () What is twenty-three? () What is…
Charles- Naruto, I know what you're trying to do. Just stop. It's getting too sad to watch. Ganju.
Ganju- What is four? ()
Charles- No.
Ganju- Well, fine. I don't like your opinion.
Charles- It's not my opinion, Ganju. Seven minus two is not four. It's a fact.
Ganju- I say it's your opinion. You have seven, and you take two from it. Seven and two can have all sorts of meanings, and the meaning I see is that the answer is four.
Charles- At this point, Ganju, I have reason to believe that a large piece of your brain is missing. L.
L- What is nineteen? ()
Charles- No. L, you already rang in.
L- I'm not L.
Charles- All right, Ryuzaki.
L- What is nineteen? ()
Chalres- Just because you're being a different person doesn't mean the same wrong answer will work. L, if you open your mouth, I'll kill you.
L- I'm still not L. (Charles zaps him) I'm not Ryuzaki either.
Charles- I don't care if you're Ronald McDonald, you…
L- Thank you, Charles.
Charles- Okay, don't say it. I already know it's going to be "what is nineteen?"
L- No. What is nineteen and a half? ()
Charles- And now the first round is over. We'll take a break and when we come back…(starts scratching his crotch) What the hell? I wore clean underwear. Why am I itching?
L- I put itching powder in your underwear before the show.
Charles- At this point, fuck Double Jeopardy. Yes, I know I said no cursing. The game's over. All three of you get the hell out of here.
L- Don't the rules say that you can't end a game without Final Jeopardy?
Charles- Fuck the rules.
L- Rules are rules, and one rule is no cursing.
Charles (does his maniacal jump)- FINE! SEE WHAT I CARE! (calms down) The Final Jeopardy category is DAYS OF THE WEEK. And your answer is: What day is it today? Thirty seconds, think it over well. ( ) It's not that hard at all. Just tell me what today is. It starts with "Fri". ( ) Time's up. Let's see what kind of a wonderful mess you made with this one. We'll start with Ganju, who wrote down…his own name.
Ganju- That's the only thing I can spell.
Charles- Wow, Bleach certainly has low quality standards for hiring actors. Your wager is…seven thousand dollars. Could be worse. Your final score is -25 200. Good freakin' job. L, you wrote down…Are you Kira?
L- Are you? Are you?
Charles- No.
L- Bullshit. (dives over his podium and tackles Charles) Now tell me why the hell you had to kill all those people. Besides the fact that they were dangerous criminals beyond redemption.
Charles- I'm not Kira, you jackoff! Light's Kira!
L- Oh, yeah. Sorry. I got carried away.
Charles- Carried away, my dick. Let's see how much you wagered…Check out your back, Tolle. What the hell? (feels around on his back until he finds the "kick me" sign) Oh, you put a "kick me" sign on my back. Real fucking mature, Lawliet.
L- I'm not L Lawliet, I'm Ronald McDonald.
Charles- Say hello to your brother Michael for me. You finish with -29 300. Fuck you.
L- Fuck you, too.
Charles- Moving on to Naruto.
Naruto- I've answered correctly! Believe it!
Charles- If you say that one more time, I'll kill you. Your answer is…Believe. You better not have wagered it. Your wager is…it. (breathes in impatiently) Okay, I promised my girlfriend I'd get through this without drugs, and I really want to keep that promise, but it's getting harder to do that.
L (giggling)- You said hard again.
Charles- Naruto finishes with -42 400. Congratu-freakin'-lations. This was Anime Jeopardy, I'm Charles Tolle, and I will forever hate L Lawliet.
I think the games can only get worse at this point.