Author's Note: As promised a long chapter. Hope you enjoy it, it made me giggle to write it. I should also apologise, as this is actually xjuicylucyx's Christmas story she doesn't want to read it before I post it, so if there's any mistakes, that's why! The usual disclaimer, I don't own Doctor Who, the Doctor, The TARDIS or the legendary Captain Jack Harkness, they belong to the BBC. I also don't own Queen Victoria, she belongs to… well history, and Britain. Enjoy C x

Her Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria, aged 18

The TARDIS landed with a jolt and Jack paused the hologram of Frank as she started to slide off a particularly steep roof. He popped his head out and came back in. "At a rough guess, that piece of paper has a list of Royalty on it." the Doctor looked at it, bemused.

"How did you know that?" he asked, Jack just shrugged and started to say that they'd landed on Buckingham Palace, but the Doctor groaned and interrupted him "This is for 'Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria, aged 18 and 7 months.' Oh dear… oh dear…" he shook his head.

"What? What does her Imperial Majesty want for Christmas?"

"It's not that… she doesn't meet me for 32 years. And she didn't recognise me. You're going to have to go. I can't change the timelines."

"What???"

"Yes Jack that is a very good imitation of me. Now, there isn't a list, apparently the Queen gets a personal visit. Go get changed."

"But, but…"

"NOW Jack." Jack stomped off muttering to himself under his breath whilst the Doctor made up a traditional stocking with oranges and pears and a little wooden top for the Queen.

When Jack returned, the Doctor burst out laughing. He had opted for the cushion under his suit, accentuating his muffin top even more than the braces usually did.

"I didn't laugh at you." Jack huffed at him. The Doctor stopped and handing him the stocking apologised meekly.

"Now, I think that this is the chimney in Buckingham Palace that leads directly into her bedroom, you go down and I'll stand up here, then when she tells you what she wants yell up to me and I'll get it. Don't flirt with her. I know that may be hard for you but don't flirt with her." Jack nodded grinning at the Doctor.

"I always wanted to meet her Majesty." He disappeared out the door and the Doctor followed in time to see him jumping down the chimney. There was silence for a while and then a lot of screaming. The Doctor cursed, images of Jack jumping into bed with the most fertile British female monarch in history flashing through his head. The image of Jack's son being the next king of England terrified him the most. He just stopped himself from jumping down after Jack, and leaned over to call down to him instead.

"Jack? What's going on down there? Stop it, whatever it is."

"She really likes the spinning top Doc, don't worry. What, you thought I'd jump into bed with her?"

"Well I do know you." He replied. "Ask her what she would like for Christmas."

In the room below Jack turned back to her Majesty, who was seated regally in her bed, a few loose hairs escaping her lacy nightcap giggling as she watched the red and white spinning top on the floor next to her bed.

"We are very much amused by this." She giggled to Jack as he sat down in a chair near the chimney in full, soot covered, Santa costume.

"Now, your Majesty… what would you like for Christmas?" he asked solemnly.

"Oooh, I hadn't thought… I'd quite like a husband."

"I'll see what I can do." He leaned towards the chimney and yelled up to the Doctor. "She'd like a husband."

"She can't have one of those for three years." The Doctor's voice floated down the chimney.

"I'm afraid you can't have one of those for…" he was interrupted by the Doctors frantic wail.

"No Jack don't say that… Spoilers. Ask her if she'd like a Corgi, I can do one of those."

"would you like a Corgi in…" this time Jack interrupted himself and stood up to walk to the chimney. "That's the wrong bloody Queen!" he yelled.

"Oh, thought that present sounded familiar… that's what I gave Elizabeth the year we…" the Doctor coughed as he stopped himself finishing that sentence. "Ask her again."

"Terribly sorry your Majesty, but Father Christmas can't give you a husband… bit too grown up a toy for us really. Or a Corgi, because I doubt you know what that is. So I'm going to have to ask again, what would you like for Christmas."

"Who are you? I am sure you are not Father Christmas." She said, frowning at him. "You sound foreign."

"Oh, um, I spent the summer abroad your Majesty, picked it up whilst I was there."

"Well, who are you talking to?" she demanded. He grimaced.

"My elf, my Lady." She stared blankly at him. "You know, little green clad pointy eared folk? Help Father Christmas with making the presents." As she continued to star at him blankly he swallowed nervously and turned back to the chimney. "Huston, we have a problem… I think I just invented elves."

"WHAT!!" the Doctor exclaimed. He paused thinking about it, then shrugged, "Don't worry. Someone had to!" Jack nodded again and turned back to Queen Victoria.

"My lady, your Majesty, what would you like for Christmas?"

"A diamond tiara." She said simply, partially because she wanted a new one after some oafish footman had sat on her favourite one and partially because she wanted rid of the two odd men talking between a chimney.

"Done!" yelled the Doctor and a package landed in Jack's hand. He knelt and offered it too her. "Oh, give her this too. She's going to be attacked several times in her life, and she survives each and every one. Tell her to wear this, but to keep it a secret." A second present landed at Jacks feet and he gave her both the tiara and the second gift, which was a Kevlar bullet-proof vest disguised as an undergarment.

"Merry Christmas your majesty." He said, bowing. "It's been a pleasure… I only wish we had more time to get to know each other better."

"Jack!!" the Doctor yelled. "Stop flirting." Jack turned to the chimney muttering

"How does he do that? Can't say anything, jeez." He bowed again "Ma'am" just before he got pulled up the chimney. Queen Victoria jumped out of bed and peered out of the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the sleigh, but she could see nothing and after the customary 'Ho ho ho' (beautifully delivered by Captain Jack) all she heard was an odd whirring noise.