A Turkish Christmas Carol

(Original Story Concept: The Secret Lives of the Turks/ Abyss)

Author's Note: Well, my holiday celebration is almost over, and I know I've already had two Turk stories, but what can I say? I like the Turks. This story is going to follow in the roots of the two stories revealing the dark past of the Turks: The Secret Lives of the Turks and its sequel Abyss. I'm going to continue with my parody of famous Christmas stories, and thus (as you no doubt expect), this will be a parody of Charles Dickens holiday masterpiece: A Christmas Carol.

Also, I realize this joke would work a hell of a lot better with Rufus Shinra, but I've actually seen that idea done.

---

"I have a bone to pick with you," said Reno, as he burst into Tseng's office.

Tseng looked impatiently at Reno, as he set a folder down on Tseng's desk.

"You give me an assignment on Christmas Day?" Reno asked. "What the hell is up with that?"

"You're a Turk," Tseng replied harshly. "It's part of your job to take assignments, no matter how inconvenient."

"Yeah, but come on. This is an assassination mission. It can wait until the 26th," Reno replied.

Tseng drummed his fingers on the desk. He had ordered Reno to take the mission on the 25th, because he knew exactly where the target would be, and when. On the 26th, he could have disappeared to God knows where.

"I have exact information on your target. But since he's in town, I'll let you come in an hour late," Tseng replied.

"Sir, it's Christmas," Reno whined.

"Two hours then," Tseng sighed.

"Two hours is hardly customary," Reno said.

"Well, that's not my problem," Tseng retorted. "Frankly, I'm surprised you celebrate this humbug of a holiday. You're not a child, nor are you a religious man."

"Well, yeah, but still. It's always been a special day," Reno replied.

"And it's a poor reason to slack on our efforts and rob the pocket of Shinra every December 25th. But, as I'm the only one who seems to realize it…" Tseng sighed. "Fine take the day off, but I want to see you bright and early on the 26th."

"Thank you, sir," Reno bowed as he left the office.

---

The next person to enter his office was Reeve, the head of Urban Development. Tseng knew what this was about: it happened every year.

"Merry Christmas, Tseng," Reeve said.

"What do you want?" Tseng asked sharply.

"I was hoping you would donate to the Sector 7 Restoration Fund," Reeve asked.

"Why?" Tseng asked. "That's where the terrorist group was located."

"But still, not everyone there is a terrorist, and certainly not on the plate," Reeve replied. "So how much shall I put you down for?"

"Nothing," Tseng replied coldly.

"You wish to remain anonymous?" Reeve asked.

"I wish to be left alone!" Tseng shouted back.

Reeve turned, insulted, and headed out the door. He stopped and said:

"You know. There are people dying out there."

"They might as well die then," Tseng replied, coldly. "That will solve our overpopulation problem. Decrease the surplus population, you know."

---

Tseng's annoyances were not over yet. A young rookie accidentally barged into his office.

"Oh! Sorry about that, sir," he said.

The man was wearing the uniform of a SOLDIER 3rd Class.

"I'm looking for Director Lazard," he explained. "Where is he?"

"Director Lazard is dead and buried," Tseng replied coldly. "Get out of my office. You're clearly on the wrong floor."

---

Tseng walked out of the Shinra Tower at 6:00 PM, and was immediately accosted by the last person in the world he wanted to see; his subordinate Elena.

"Hey, Tseng!" Elena called. "Merry Christmas!"

"Elena. What are you up to?" Tseng asked.

"Um, I was wondering if you'd like to come to a Christmas party I'm holding tomorrow?" Elena asked.

"I'm not exactly in the mood," Tseng replied.

"Not in the mood?!" Elena asked. "It's Christmas Eve, how can anybody not be in the mood?"

"I'm sorry, Elena, but I have to be going now," Tseng said, doubling back and heading down an alley to his apartment.

Tseng lived in a small apartment in the Sector 8 Plate. His building was located just off of the Fountain Plaza, which meant that he didn't have far to travel before arriving home. He climbed up the stairs until he reached his door. He placed his key in the door, and it shot out of his hand and seemed to pass straight through the door.

"What the hell?" Tseng cursed, as he drew his gun.

He looked up at his door, and watched in horror as the frame seemed to stretch outwards until the contorted face of Director Lazard stared back at him.

"Tseng," whispered the face.

"Director?" Tseng quivered.

"Tseng!" The face shouted.

There was an explosion which sucked Tseng through the door. Everything went black for a moment. When Tseng regained consciousness, he saw the floorboards of his apartment. He looked back and saw his key a few inches from his hand.

He got up cautiously and looked back at the door, which was still open. Sitting in front of the door was one of Tseng's weights. He must have tripped over it on his way in and had a nightmare.

Nonetheless, before retiring, he did a quick search of the rooms.

---

Tseng awoke when he heard something crash in the living room. He looked at his alarm clock: 12:00 AM. Tseng grabbed his gun, and cautiously moved through the house. He saw the shadow of a man standing by his window. He let three shots ring out, but though they hit square in the chest, they seemed not to bother the man.

"You point that weapon at everything?" Came the cool voice of Director Lazard.

"Director Lazard. But you're dead!" Tseng shook.

"Well if I wasn't before, I certainly am now," said the Director.

Tseng now saw that Director Lazard was bound in heavy chains that were attached to his ankles and knees.

"Why do you wear those chains?" Tseng asked.

"These chains I earned in life," Lazard replied.

"What could you have done that was so horrible?" Tseng asked, still in shock at the fact that he appeared to be talking to a ghost. "You were a man of business."

"Business!" Lazard laughed derisively. "Mankind was my business. His welfare was my business."

"Tell me why!" Tseng shouted. "Why do you haunt me now?"

"I am here to prevent you from wearing a set of chains like these when life is done. Tonight, three spirits shall pay you a visit. Learn from them, or else there is no more hope for you," Lazard said. "Expect the first, when the bell tolls one."

Tseng shook his head. "No. No more, I've had enough ghosts for one night."

Lazard laughed. "Tseng. Wake up!"

---

Tseng awoke with a start. He was back in his bedroom, and staring at his clock which now read 12:59 AM. He got out of bed and went over to his bathroom. He turned on the light and washed his face, which was now covered in sweat. He leapt backwards as he heard his alarm-radio go off. The alarm clock now read 1:00 AM. He approached it cautiously, his arms up in a fighting stance. He only knew one thing for certain. He did not set his alarm clock for 1:00 AM.

"Yo," came a girls voice.

Tseng turned with a start, and saw a woman with bright green hair and attire sitting on a chair next to his window.

"Who are you?" Tseng shouted, as he reached for his gun.

"In life, my name was Rydia. But I come to you as the Ghost of Christmas Past," she said.

"What? You mean like long past?" Tseng asked.

"No. Your past," Rydia replied. "Now I could go on, but we've got a lot of ground to cover, so let's move it!"

And with that, Tseng felt the ground leave his feet, and it felt as though he were being pulled from his nose forward into a white blur. When the sensation stopped, he was standing in the snowy fields of Modeoheim, where Tseng had spent his childhood.

He saw his old school friends run by, in the midst of a snowball fight.

"This is amazing. There's Thomas, and Will! Hey guys!" He shouted.

"They cannot hear you," Rydia sighed. "They're just shadows of your past."

"Oh," said Tseng, with mild annoyance.

They walked down the road to an old schoolhouse, which Tseng recognized as his own.

"I remember now. I spent many a Christmas here studying to be a member of SOLDIER," Tseng laughed. "Of course, every child wanted to be in SOLDIER then."

"Yes," Rydia smiled. "I know. To you, Christmas was just another day to train."

Tseng sighed, and then felt the sudden tugging sensation again. This time, they emerged back at the Shinra Tower. Tseng saw a younger version of himself being accepted as a member of the Turks. He was shaking the hand of President Shinra.

"President Shinra," Tseng smiled. "It's a shame Sephiroth killed him. He was a great man."

"I think so too," Rydia smiled. "A tad power hungry, though. But he loved Christmas."

Tseng nodded. "Ah, yes. I remember now."

As though his minds eye could clearly be reflected onto whatever canvas was before him, the scene suddenly shifted to the Shinra Christmas party. Rydia suddenly ran off into the crowd.

"Hey! Wait!" Tseng shouted. As he followed her, he heard bits and pieces of conversation.

"That's right. I'm telling you! Mutant snowmen!" Hojo smiled. "Just bred one the other week. Killed a truant child he did!"

"…stuck in Wutai, if you can believe it. No, the chopper's fine, but we had to save some dumb kid," said a younger Reno.

"…that old guy working at Kalm. Another one died this week, eh?" Sighed Palmer.

He finally caught up with Rydia and saw what she had been looking for. A slightly younger version of himself was chatting up a woman wearing an SIA Blazer.

"My first love," Tseng said. "Catherine."

"Didn't end well did it?" Rydia asked.

"Don't mock me!" Tseng cursed.

"You spent too many Christmas's away from her. And not just Christmas either. Any day you could work, you chose to. You never spent any time with her," Rydia said.

"I was passionate about my job," Tseng replied, coldly.

"Clearly. Moreso than her at any rate," Rydia replied.

"Enough of this!" Tseng shouted. "Begone!"

And it was so.

---

Tseng awoke to the sound of boisterous carols being hummed by what was clearly something large. His alarm clock read 2:00 AM.

He walked out into the living room and heard a high pitched voice shout.

"Come on out, and know me better, man!"

Tseng rounded the corner and saw a small cat sitting on a massive stuffed Moogle, from whence the music was coming.

"You're Reeve's cat," said Tseng.

"And the Ghost of Christmas Present, if you don't mind," Cait Sith replied.

"Okay, we might as well just get this over with," Tseng said, grudgingly.

"That's the spirit!" Cait Sith said. "You oughta know what your buddies are gonna be up to tomorrow morning."

"Hey tomorrow morning is the future, not the present," Tseng said.

"Oh, okay. So shall we go watch people asleep in their beds?" Cait Sith asked. "Come on, it's close enough. Let's get moving!"

The tugging sensation was back, and now they were standing just outside a familiar house.

"This is where Elena lives. I'm guessing this is her Christmas party?" Tseng asked.

"You betcha!" Cait Sith replied.

They walked inside and saw Elena and her boyfriend Andy playing a game, with a crowd of guests watching them.

"Okay," Elena said. "Name the last thing you'd want to kiss."

"A donkey," Andy replied. "Because no matter where you kiss it, you're still kissing an ass."

The group laughed. It was Andy's turn next.

"Who's the last person you'd ask a favor from?" Andy asked.

"My boss, Tseng," she replied. "His idea of a lending helping hand is letting somebody borrow one of us Turks."

There was another raucous laugh.

"Well, so glad you brought me here to insult me," Tseng cursed. "What else have you got in store for me? Is somebody going to unearth my mother's corpse and feed upon it? What else have you got, come on?"

The tugging sensation came back, and they were now standing in front of a small house in Sector 5.

"Well this is Reno's place. What business do I have here?" Tseng asked.

They looked through the window and saw Reno going over the file that Tseng had given him.

"That's the man you've sentenced to death, you know?" Cait Sith replied.

"So?" Tseng asked.

"He's an innocent man. You botched the file. Reno is gonna go for it anyways, even though you said he could have the day off," Cait Sith replied.

"I couldn't have messed up," Tseng said. "This information came directly from Rufus Shinra."

"You put the wrong picture on the file. They were together, and you mixed them up," Cait Sith said.

Tseng shook his head. "I'll… have to double check the information."

"You won't have time. Reno will be leaving bright and early in the morning," Cait Sith sighed.

"Will he... kill the man?" Tseng asked.

"I suppose he will, that's what his mission is," Cait Sith replied. "But then, if the man's gonna die it will help our overpopulation problem. Decrease the surplus population, you know."

Tseng scoffed, and walked towards the door. He knocked on the door and…

---

3:00 AM. Tseng was already up. There was no discernable time difference between him reaching for the door and him seeing the bright red digits flash before his eyes.

"Are you planning on getting up?" Said a dark, but soft voice.

Tseng turned and saw a man wearing a dark red jacket, with spiky black hair. His eyes were concealed with sunglasses.

"Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?" Tseng asked.

"Or, Auron. Whichever you prefer," said the man. "Look, I could show you everything, but this story is already dragging on. So let me just say this. If you don't change your ways now, pretty much everybody you know is going to hate your guts, you're going to die alone and in obscurity and in the afterlife you will pushing a boulder up a hill for all eternity."

"Okay, I get the message. I'll be less of an asshole. Could you guys let me get some sleep, I have to work in the morning. No," Tseng realized. "I don't. Tomorrow is Christmas. Wow… a day off. I wonder what that's like?"

"You don't have to wonder," Auron said.

---

Tseng awoke. His alarm clock read 7:30 AM. Sun was shining through his window, birds were chirping, and the nearby church bells were ringing in Christmas morning.

"It's Christmas!" Tseng shouted, as he ran out the door and into the streets.

In front of the fountain plaza he ran into Reeve, who was standing next to a bucket trying to get funds for Sector 7.

"Tseng!" Reeve called. "Merry Christmas!"

"Reeve! There's no time. I have to go stop Reno from killing somebody. Here's my wallet: go nuts!" Tseng shouted as he sped off towards Sector 5.

At Sector 6, he met Elena.

"Hey, Elena! I'll be at your party in a little bit!" He shouted. "Save me a seat!"

Forward, faster and faster he ran, finally stopping at Reno's house in time to see him leave his door.

"Reno!" He shouted.

"Sir?" Reno asked.

"What are you doing?!" He demanded.

"I'm gonna go ahead and take the assignment. You're right. This is a stupid holiday," Reno replied.

"Stupid? It's awesome! Are you stupid?! Look, that file got botched, by… somebody and you've got the wrong guy," Tseng explained.

Reno gasped. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. Sorry, but you can't take on this mission. But why don't you and I go head to Elena's Christmas party?" Tseng asked.

"Um, okay, sure," Reno replied, setting the folder down on his table and shutting the door to his house.

They began to walk back in the direction of Sector 6. Tseng stopped them.

"Oh, and by the way. If you are ever asked the question 'who is the last person you'd like to ask a favor from', the answer is 'a banker, because he knows how much he can charge you for it.'" Tseng explained.

And so it was. Tseng was true to his word, and his name became synonymous with Christmas. Unfortunately, the man that Tseng let go was actually supposed to be assassinated by another guy, and he proceeded to go a murderous rampage that spanned five sectors. But as none of those were Sector 6, Tseng and his friends had a merry Christmas.