Chapter 10: Beginnings

(Hello and Merry Christmas! Sorry I haven't updated in what seemed like an eon---real-life drama beckoned. -_-0 anyway, please enjoy this Christmas gift! And thanks for your support---it's been a great ride! Arigatou gozaimasu!--- Sylvaene)

-Tomiko-

I watched Sei's expression change drastically as she continued to talk to the person on the phone, and realization hit me like ice cubes down my back. The person on the other end was Shiori. Sei didn't even need to tell me, as it was sure as the change in her aura. Her voice sounded awfully quiet, and like it came from the next universe. It was clear she wasn't in the dorm room anymore.

I was burning to know what Shiori had to say, but Sei wouldn't let on, not even a bit, as she sat right back down across from me. She had zapped back into this world as soon as she landed on the mats.

"That was Shiori," she had said, simply. "I don't know how she got my number. But she's in town for a few days, apparently." She surveyed her nails, every now and then picking at some offending speck of dirt. We resumed talking, and it was all I could do to keep myself from spiraling down. I barely even remembered what we had talked about that night—I was too preoccupied with how this turn of events would affect Sei—and incidentally, myself. I had constantly thought over what I could be feeling for her, if I had fallen in love; and now that

I had come to admit to myself things I kept out of my mind for a long time, things end up like this.

As I thought, the luxury of falling in love is the most expensive of all.

As she headed home for the night, Sei turned to me, looking me in the eyes.
"She wants to meet at the Aloha Café tomorrow afternoon. She… wants to… talk," she explained, barely petering out the words, reading my face for some reaction she wanted. Her eyes were searching, confused, and maybe a tad embarrassed. I felt there was only one logical thing to say.

I smiled. "It's okay, Sei. She wouldn't go through the trouble of finding out your number if she didn't have something important to say," I replied, my heart sinking further into quicksand. "Go. And make sure you know exactly to which Aloha Café to go," I joked. "Good night."

I wanted to believe I saw Sei's face fall a bit, but I guess I saw nothing as I watched her cross the street to her little yellow Beetle. I laid in my bed that night, playing the day's events over and over in my head. Everything that stretched out from the first day we met snapped itself back in the course of just one day, like a rubber band stretched out over fingers: you held your breath nervously, just waiting for the sting. And now here it was. I felt no urge to sleep, though tears needed no urging.

Day quickly broke, and I found myself sleeping in as the sky had just turned blue. It was a Sunday, and I barely remembered Rizu sneaking into my room to snitch a few pieces of food from my cupboard. The faint smell of coffee lingered in the air as I saw her take the siphon's kettle to Kei's and her room. I don't know if she had figured out by now, but however things went, she had left me to my own dreams and devices. This was something I had to go through on my own. I stubbornly refused to move, though my body was hurting to throw off the covers and run all the way to the Aloha Café. I checked my watch. 10:00. It surely must have opened by now.

-Sei-

I've never been crazy about religion. Close friends can and will attest to that. But, as I stood just a couple feet away from the Aloha Café, just a couple of seconds away from that meeting with Shiori, I felt a sudden urge to drop down to my knees and start praying.

I had no idea why, though. Or for what.

My body was being unusually uncooperative that day. For some reason, my hands wouldn't stop shaking, and my stomach was having a sports festival. There were a lot of questions that I wanted to ask, a lot of things I wanted to say—some perhaps not so very kind or gracious—but as I tried to sort them all out in my head, they simply refused to solidify; the words adamantly backed out of my reach and any effort to construct the most basic of sentences that I would say to her all came down to pot.

What the hell was I so nervous about?

Tomiko had guessed that Shiori had something important to say to me, and I had no idea what that could be. Was that what was making me nervous? What would Shiori have to say that could possibly rattle me? Was I nervous because we were finally going to have some closure after all this time? Would I lose control of my emotions?

If I saw her now…would I want her again?

I checked my watch and saw that it was already twenty minutes past 10 am. Why was I hesitating? Shiori had been so important to me, and now that I have the opportunity to meet her, why did I feel scared?

I remembered how Tomiko had acted and dressed yesterday, when she knew she was going to see her ex. Was it the same for me now? Was I hoping for something? I frowned. Somehow it didn't exactly feel that way.

I took a deep breath. I was being stupid. It was time to face the past.

Mornings at the Café were neither busy nor idle. There were about a handful of people sitting at the tables and browsing through manga. The only sounds I heard were quiet chit-chat and the soft strains of some unknown Jpop song on the speakers. I smelled coffee and pastries. Everything was at its usual, until I saw her.

I wondered, a tad belatedly, how I could've possibly not seen her right away. The severe black and white habit should've stood out among the more colorfully-dressed patrons. She sat not too far away, in a small booth by the window, with no one else occupying the tables around it. And Shiori was looking right at me.

Our gazes connected, and I swear that the world stopped for an eternity. Sight and sound focused on just that one person, sitting at that booth, with the sunlight streaming in. In that moment, in that uncertain moment, what had eluded me since the day we parted ways finally came to me, even more strongly than it had when she and I had been together. I knew what peace felt like once again.

Then the moment passed, and I was aware of everything again.

I made my way over. For some reason, I felt less scared, less confused, and more certain. Of what, well, that was what I wasn't certain about, only that I felt more reassured. With each step I took closer to her, misgivings and old hurts fell away from me, and when I was finally at the table I felt like I could sprout wings and fly.

We looked at each other again, and I felt the connection between us. It hadn't disappeared, we were still reading each other like old, familiar books we would never throw away. And I knew then that Shiori was happy, truly happy, with herself and with the path, the life she'd chosen. And because she was happy, I was happy. Her decision to leave the little world we had created for ourselves in highschool was the right one. I knew it now.

Apparently, she realized it, too, because she smiled. It was her smile, that beautiful smile that I never forgot. "Gokigenyo, Sei."

I think I actually grinned at that. "Old habits die hard, eh, Shiori?" I asked as I slid into the seat opposite her.

She giggled. "They do, don't they?" Her eyes were warm. "Hello."

I smiled. "Hello."

Then there was an awkward pause. It wasn't a bad awkward pause, I think. A lot of things had happened, years had passed, and there were so many stories to tell. One wondered where to start. Finally, "How have you been?" she asked me. "You look like a normal college student."

"That's because I am a college student," I replied easily. "I don't know about the normal bit, though." We laughed, and it was my turn to ask, "And you? You look like that shy singing nun from 'Sister Act'."

She looked slightly self-conscious. "Is it really that severe, Sei? My habit, I mean."

"Penguins don't look severe," I told her, "unless you count the red-eyed ones with the wild feather hairdo."

"Sei!"

We laughed again. After that, we were off and running, so to speak. The gazillion stories we each had to share spilled out like a small waterfall into a babbling brook, and it really did feel like walking into a bright, sun-dappled forest with said waterfall and brook. It was almost surreal. I half-expected Bambi to trot out from behind a bookshelf and nuzzle Shiori for treats.

The hours passed but I scarcely noticed. Lunch came and went (we ordered, of course), and then the afternoon sped by. The sky was an unusual orange hue for that season, which was why I looked up and realized that it was going to be early evening soon.

The image of a girl with ice-blue eyes, a face that had been ever-present in my mind during that whole time Shiori and I talked, grew clearer and stronger.
A lull in the conversation, and we looked at each other once again, both knowing that it was time to go. By now, we both knew the directions we would take. But Shiori was smiling, and so was I.

I knew what I wanted to ask.

"Shiori," I began, looking directly into her eyes. "Why did you want to meet up? I don't believe it was just to catch up, though today has certainly been fun."

She didn't answer at first, and her eyes never wavered from mine. Finally, she spoke, and she sounded a bit sad. "I want to apologize…for the way I disappeared. From your life."

I said nothing. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It was not right of me to have said goodbye through a letter. I should have told you face-to-face. But, as I explained in writing to you before, I knew that I wouldn't have had the strength to say goodbye if I saw your face." Her eyes revealed guilt. "It was a terrible thing to do to you, and for such a selfish reason. Also, I…I didn't want to see your face if you decided to hate me for wanting to leave you. I couldn't bear it."

She paused. "I am not sorry for having chosen to follow my dream. I am not sorry for having chosen this path. But, Sei, I am so truly sorry for having hurt you, when you deserve the complete opposite of pain." She looked at me then, her smile slipping, and bowed her head. She looked like she might cry.

I sighed. "It's okay."

Shiori looked up at me, surprised.

I grinned. "Really. I'm not just saying it. You made the right decision. Being separated like that…from you…was painful. But I think things turned out all right. If that night didn't happen…if you had gone along with my crazy scheme…we probably wouldn't be happy. I'd still be needing you, and you would still be chasing a dream." I held up a hand. "I'm not saying that I never loved you or anything like that. I did. I really, honestly did, and I still do, but…I think I needed you more than I actually loved you. You were everything to me because I needed you, I needed someone to accept me for who I was and not try to change me or make me conform to what society says I should be." I sighed again. "In a way, I guess I used you. And I'm not proud of that. So I should apologize, too, and I'm sorry if I made things hard for you back then."

"Oh, Sei," Shiori said, and her smile appeared again. "You're not a user; you've never used anyone, and you didn't use me. We met each other for a reason. I can't quite name it, and I'm not sure we'll ever be able to explain it to ourselves, but we were brought together to be something for each other. When that need was over, it was time to part ways and time to share our new selves with other people." There were nearly-invisible tears in her eyes, but I think she was just glad that I didn't hate her. "And Sei, I have never regretted having met you."

That statement made me feel happy. I know she said as much before, but hearing it again and knowing for certain that it was true was something I'd treasure for the rest of my life.

"Thanks. I've never regretted having met you, too."

Of course we still loved each other. But it was not the self-centered love I must have felt back then, it was not the sympathetic kind of love she must have had back then as well. Now that we didn't need each other as desperately as we did back then, the love we had was a love shared between good friends. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less.

On our way out of the café, I stopped by the counter and ordered two coffees to go. Shiori looked at me curiously for a moment, and then an understanding smile lit up her features. I felt comfortable enough with her to give her what most people might consider a lewd wink. She laughed.

"So, Sister Mary Clarence," I said as we exited into the street, "want me to walk you to the train station?"

She opened her mouth to answer but nothing came out. I laughed. "Hey, it's not like you'd give me another letter! Or is it?" I added, grinning cheekily.

Shiori laughed. "Sei will always be Sei," she said. Her eyes grew serious then. "I saw it in your eyes when you walked into the café this morning. I'm very glad that you're happy."

Even nuns still had female intuition. I shrugged and smiled. "Thanks. I'll be happy whatever the results may be."

Shiori cocked her head to one side. "Oh? You mean…she hasn't given you an answer yet?"

"She did. 'Lemme think about it'."

She gave me a mildly disapproving look and clucked her tongue. "My, my, Sei. Have you lost your touch?"

Oh, my grandma's knickers, was Shiori making fun of me? I threw back my head and laughed, and soon she was laughing too. We were both going to get a bad case of gas later on.
We hugged each other goodbye. It wasn't the last time we'd be seeing each other, certainly, and so neither of us hung on like drowning kids trying to cling to a rock. Shiori and I turned to go, she towards the station, I towards the other end of the street.

"By the way," I said suddenly, remembering something. I turned around, and so did she. "how'd you get my number?"

Without missing a beat she smiled sweetly and pointed at the sky. "God told me."

I stared at her for a long, long time, my mouth hanging open. Finally she gave in and laughed. "Silly. I rang the school and they gave me the numbers of your old friends, the old Roses. Youko-san gave me your number."

That damn meddler! I grinned. "Ah…you know, I wish it'd just been God instead."

Shiori smiled and nodded. "In a way, Sei, it was."

And with that, she turned and walked away.

I looked after her for a while. The habit really did suit her. And this 'me', this Sei that I was right now, old and new and everything in between, this suited me. I knew where I had to be, and who I longed to see.

I turned and headed home, and home had the color of warm auburn and cool blue.

-Tomiko-

I was having a dream. A nice dream.

In my dream Sei was in my dorm room, puttering about, with steaming cups of coffee. It seemed she had come home from Aloha Café. The Sei in my mind's eye set down the paper cups on the table and started tidying up the stack of dishes that had piled up unnoticed in the little sink, humming a happy little tune I recognized as one of my favorite bands' songs. She snuck a little glance at me and smiled, the kind of smile you'd give someone you loved. I smiled back, though I knew my tears had started leaking.

This Sei suddenly rushed to where I lay, her face a maze of worry. "Hey, what happened? Did Terrorko come back? Want me to beat the crap out of her?" She cupped my face in her warm hands, and that was when it all clicked into place: She WAS here.

Sei pulled away an inch and looked me over. Her eyes widened slightly and she looked even more worried than when she started. "What the heck have you been up to?"

I was incredulous, and it felt like my heart stopped, and I barely managed to choke out the words. "Why… why are you here?"

Sei's lip curled up in a crooked grin, looking mock-indignant. "Why are you asking me that? I practically LIVE here. And I bought you some coffee from Aloha, too." She made little disapproving clucking sounds as she pulled out some wipes from the drawer and started wiping my tear- and ice cream- stained face.

There were too many questions raging through my head, all of them clamoring for answers. I picked out the most pressing. "Shiori… ?"

Sei didn't look up from wiping my chin, cradling my face with her other hand. She smiled gently. "Shiori? She's on her way back to the convent." Through my eyelashes I thought I saw her pout. "Felt like talking to Sister Mary Clarence." Sei laughed, taking a sip from her coffee and handing me mine. "I thought she'd burst into song at any moment."

Eh? "It felt like talking to Whoopi Goldberg?"

Sei met my gaze for a moment, then threw her head back and laughed. "I'm confusing my nuns. Who's the shy one who couldn't sing at first?"

Nothing really came to mind except the here and now, though I loved the movie. "I don't remember." I didn't really understand anything. What was she doing here? Why wasn't she at the train station, with Shiori?

"Anyway, we both had to be getting home, so we said our goodbyes and here I am," she continued, spreading her arms. Peering into the tub on my lap, she asked, "What ice cream's that?"

I couldn't think past the last thing she said, so I just stared at her incredulously. All the questions I had for her just seemed to melt away one by one. Slowly.

"Home… ?"

She didn't seem to need an answer, since she was looking at the tub's lid with great interest. At Lawson's today they had a special on ice cream, though later on I figured out why they had to put the ice cream on sale.

"Lobster? Whoa, that's different," Sei let out a low whistle. "Tomiko, I know you've got strange taste, but that's kind of hard core, isn't it?"

I felt an all-too-familiar heat build up behind my eyes, and I had to blink several times to get the tears out of there, but to no avail. They plopped into the open tub, making little pools in the snow-white peaks of unfinished ice cream.

"Sei…"

Her grey eyes flashed in alarm, and before I knew it, I was wrapped up in those arms, those strong, slender arms. They filled me up with warmth, and love, and somehow I couldn't stop the tears anymore. Her fingers ran through my hair, and I just… well, I just started sobbing.

There were traces of panic in the voice that murmured in my ear. "What's wrong now? Really, did something happen?" she said, rocking me back and forth gently. "Tell me."

I sought refuge in Sei's warm chest, barely managing to speak coherently. "I thought… that if you saw Shiori… that if… you saw her…"

Sei stopped rocking and finished my sentence. "That if I saw her I'd rekindle our lost love?" she asked, and I could sense that she had her little crooked smile she'd reserve for her little jokes. I found myself wanting to chew her out for making fun of the situation—I had been crying buckets since this morning, after all—making me feel really, really pathetic.

I found that I could only nod.

Sei chuckled softly, and I could feel her breath ruffle the top of my head.

"She's happy with her life now, and I'm happy with mine," she murmured. "You know how I feel about you, and if you know me at all, you know I'm staying right here."

I wanted to answer, and I felt her pause a bit to see how I would react, but I could say nothing. I had cried so much any peep out of me sounded like a whimper. Sei pulled me closer to her and continued. "When I said we both had to go home, I meant exactly that."

We were silent for quite a bit of time. I felt my heart tone down its palpitations. Being with her felt so right, and for a minute I thought that it would be a good time to say something.
"I thought you'd changed your mind when you agreed…" I started, the last of my whiny voice almost gone. "I told myself I was going to support you no matter what you did, but it hurt," I said. "It really did."

Sei's rhythmic rocking stopped. And her whole body went still.

"Why… why did it hurt you?" she asked, her voice nearly a whisper.

I felt a slow warmth creeping from my spine, up my neck to blossom on my face. "Can't you tell?"

I couldn't meet her eyes then, not even when she pulled away to look at me.

"Are you saying… what I HOPE you're saying, Tonkoneko?" she asked.

Her grip on my shoulders was steady, gentle yet firm.

"…Hope?" I tried.

"You know what I've been hoping for."

It took the last of my courage to drain my embarrassment.

"… And what if it were that?"

I could feel her eyes traveling over my face, and the silence was weighing down, like a heavy cloud settling on both of us.

"Please, please say it, Tomiko. I want to hear it from you," Sei said. Her voice was surprisingly holding steady, but it had a pleading note that made mine tremble when I answered.

"Ai… Aishiteru to omou. (I think I love you.)"

I looked at her for some sort of reassurance, and found it in the steady, strong way she held onto my shoulders.

"Say that again."

Her eyes were locked onto mine now, those eyes the colour of December rain. Those eyes that didn't deserve any amount of uncertainty I blurted out with my supposedly 'grand' declaration of love. I pulled myself up a bit, wiped the tears away from my eyes and looked deeply, lovingly, into those rain-colored eyes.

"I'm sure I love you, Satou Sei."

There, I had done it, I had confessed. I felt that whether or not she rejected me (and she had good reason to, at any rate), I wouldn't regret a thing. I loved her, that was the simple bit.

She pulled me into a tight embrace, one I couldn't—or wouldn't—get out of.

"I love you too, Harada Tomiko."

-Sei-

And she was mine.