!Disclaimer! I don't own the Alex Rider series and all characters corresponding with said series.

5th of Febuary, 1987.

Alex, today has been nothing but trouble. I knew it would be a bad day from the very start. You know why? The Rider family impatience.

Even you have it Alex. You were three whole weeks early out of my womb. But I don't blame you. The world is so full. The sky is so blue. The sea is so majestic. The trees shake and dance in the wind.

John rang Ian last night and the had a huge row. A massive argument. From what I can gather John exploded down the phone and Ian called him a cold bastard. Oh no. I just swore. If I ever tell you off for swearing Alex, you better not bring that up. I'm just a bit upset at the minute, that's all.

I've never seen John so angry before. Never. He was actually shaking. So I lay down with him on the sofa and gave him a kiss and a cuddle. He's a softie, really. He loves you Alex. He really does. He told me a little more about his mission then.

He only ever tells me little fractions. Snippets about the people he deals with. Today he cried. He may be a total teddy bear when it comes to cuddles but he never cries. Never. He told me how it was his job. How thousands of peoples lives were balanced on his shoulders. And then he told me about Julia Rothman. How he'd slept with her. Slept with her. For his mission. For his country. For me.

I cried. And then I took you. I packed an overnight bag, took your nappy bag and left. So I'm writing on spare paper that I'll attach to the note book when I get the chance to. We're staying at my mum and dad's house. I don't think you're happy.

You keep wailing. You just won't stop. Please Alex. Do you know how hard you're making this for me? I love John. But it was a betrayal. Just because he did it on a mission doesn't mean it's not cheating. Why are you making this so awkward Alex? It's just a little row. A little split.

I can't lie to you. I don't know, at this point, if things will ever be the same again.

7th of Febuary, 1987

The house seems so empty without you here. I want to hear you. Cry, laugh, breathe. I'm not fussy. I just need to hear you. I need your noise. It's the soundtrack to my life.

Your mum came out today to pick up some more clothes and toys and stuff. I begged her to stay. Yes, that's right. I begged. Like a dog. Because I'm the world's biggest bastard. I hurt her. I ruined everything for us. I made her cry Al. I made her cry.

She left without saying a word. Not one word. I've screwed up big time Alex. Bigger than any other screw up I've ever made. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose it's kind of comforting to think that someday you'll read this, when this situation is long over, and you'll be able to think about it. Because it's being human Al. Making mistakes. Learning to fix them.

And I made a huge mistake Al.

I slept with another woman. Not because I loved her. Not because I wanted to. But because I needed to. I had to. It was part of my mission. But I still betrayed Helen and you. Both of you. I hope you know I still love you. I love you so much Al. I can't lose you. Not now.

I love you so much it hurts right now Alex. It hurts worse than a bullet or a punch. I have a pain in my chest where my heart should be. But without you and Helen, I have no-one left to love.

Nice little teaser chapter for you there. But I have to announce this story is now going to have nothing to do with the summary. Disregard all that. I'll have a new summary up any day now. And the next chapter will hopefully be much bigger.

So I hope you enjoyed that very brief update.

By the way, thank you very much kind reviewer, NorthernDreams. You are correct. Alex was born in 1987 whoopsy daisy. So that's fixed. Thanks for the heads up.

Em...

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