Short chapter for you today. But it's still an update. I think this story might go on hiatus for a bit if things don't start looking up. It just isn't flowing at the minute and I refuse to just eke out sub-standard work for the sake of continuing. Doing something properly but slowly is better than speedy, rubbish updates.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Alex Rider Series.

11th of February, 1987

I went through all your stuff today. I took your teddy into my big empty king sized bed with me. I know, I'm pathetic. It's crossed my mind a few times today. But I've been sleeping with Helen's pillow in my arms. A poor substitute for your amazing mum.

Chelsea are playing again today. I watched the match but I wasn't really seeing it. Ash came round again. Yassen called. Ian dragged me down to the pub. I just read back over that sentence and realised that I have three friends.

Mr. Popular or what?

I miss you. I always miss you. I just wish I could have you here with me. With your mum. All of us together would be so perfect. Things could just go and on forever, and MI6 and work and Rothman wouldn't matter because I'd have the two of you. That's all I'd ever need.

I called your mum a minute ago. She answered. I grovelled some more and then she hung up. What the hell do I have to say to make things better?

14th of February, 1987

Cancelled the plane tickets and the holiday today. And I had to go back to work. Your nan couldn't mind you so I dropped you over to your dad's. He wasn't looking so well when he answered the door. Neither was our apartment. His apartment. The apartment.

He had a three day stubble on his face and looked wrecked. There were pizza boxes and shopping bags and books and your toys lying all over the floor. He looked like he wanted to say something deep but I shushed him.

Now I'm sitting here, watching you wriggle on the floor, feet kicking the air cheerfully. John's fixing me a cup of tea in the kitchen. He insisted. You're cooing to yourself and blowing big bubbles of spit. It's strangely comforting.

John just came back in. He gave me a cup of tea. So now I'll put this aside because it would be rude to write while we talk. He loves you so much Alex. And it's hurting him. I'm hurting him. He's hurt me. What is going on?

15th of February, 1987

Ian came round again today. We spent almost all day in the centre of London. I bought new clothes.

I suppose you could call it uneconomic of me. But I have no idea how to use the washing machine and all my other clothes are filthy. So until your mum comes back with you or I learn to use a basic component of modern life, I'm going to have to buy new clothes every week.

Pssh. What a waste.

Got in touch with my parents again for the first time in a while. They knew already about me sleeping with Rothman and my mum read me the riot act. I guess what I did really is inexcusable. But was it really so wrong? It was done with the best intentions. If I got in with Rothman it would speed up the pace of my mission and get me home sooner.

Ian told me twice what a prat I am and I yelled at him. He left.

Yassen dropped in out of the blue and I finally had someone I could talk to. He might be younger than me but he knows all about putting the mission before everything else. But no. He told me I'm an unbelievably selfish idiot. I suppose I am really.

16th of February, 1987

List of Reasons Why I Am Head-Over-Heels in Love With John Rider:

1- He is the most handsome, sexiest man on the planet and he doesn't even realise it.

2- He thinks that I'm beautiful even after a twelve hour shift at the hospital.

3- He makes me feel beautiful and makes all of my insecurities just shrink away.

4- He gave me the most special little boy I could ask for.

List of Reasons Why Him Sleeping With Another Woman Bothers Me:

1- He cheated on me. It's almost self-explanatory. How do I really know that he'll always be there for me? How can he be my safety net if he's off romancing another woman? And Julia Rothman is without question incredibly beautiful. I know by the way John spoke about her.

2- Julia loves John too. I mean, how can anyone not love John? Even now when I'm trying to hate him I want to just run back to him and beg his forgiveness. John is so beautiful and charming. He's funny and sweet and thoughtful and not at all big-headed. He respects everyone.

3- He's not my John anymore. Every time I touch him, I know I'll just be thinking about how Julia Rothman has run her fingers over his perfect face. This is driving me insane. I want John here with me, Alex. I don't think anyone else really understands what I'm going through at the minute.

Reason Why I'm So Upset About This:

I'm afraid. What if John realizes how wonderful he is and sees just how useless I am compared to him? If he ever sees himself the way I do, he'll leave me and find someone a lot worthier. But he cheated on me. So is he already leaving me? That's why I left with you, Alex. If I didn't have you, I would have forgiven him straight away. But I need to raise you properly. I can't let you think for one second that you can treat someone who loves you like that.

I'm so confused. Ian has been really sweet. He called around earlier and we had a nice chat. He wanted to know if he could take us out to lunch, his treat, so he could spend some time with you. I said yes so now I have something to do other than brood tomorrow.

17th of February, 1987

Got called by the office today. Had to go in and get some paperwork done. News about Helen moving out was all over the place, Al. I think it was definitely the most mortifying day of my life.

Every single man was congratulating me. I can't believe it. I feel disgusted with myself. In fact, I think I loathe myself at the minute. I showered and shaved and dressed in a new suit and when I arrived, a man called Smith who has an office near mine shook my hand and congratulated me.

I thought he was being sarcastic.

When you read this Alex, you'll be older and more mature. I want to give you a bit of advice. Sex means nothing when love is not involved. Yes, I've slept with women. But for people to think it was okay or praise worthy...

To think that I thought this was all one big joke...

Half of the women whispered about how despicable I was behind my back. Shot me scornful looks and tutted when I walked past. The other half were like sharks. They were flirting with me. One woman kissed me in the lift. I pulled away and told her I wasn't interested but she leaned in again. I have never been as grateful to see my boss step into an elevator with me than I was that day.

When I got home, Ash was there. He asked me if I would choose love over sex. I told him love won hands down any day of the week.

Somehow I don't think he believed me.

Another chapter done. Thank you so much for reading. Okay? And, also, would you like to have pictures of what the characters of this story look like posted of my profile? The idea intrigues me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!