Chapter 7 – With Or Without You

The sun shone brightly that morning, illuminating Peyton's face. Her eyes twitched a few times before they fluttered open meeting the harsh rays of sunlight shining through the windows. She groaned quietly still feeling sleepy and it took a few moments for her vision to become clear. When it did she looked around frantically realising she wasn't in her bedroom, in her warm comfy bed, but instead she was on the uncomfortable floor of her lounge with a thin blanket draped across her naked body.

She started to move but then felt the arm wrapped around her waist, which caused her to freeze momentarily as she pondered over why she was lying on the floor naked with Lucas. She turned her head and saw her husband fast asleep beside her. The events of the previous night came flooding back and she sighed because this wasn't how things were supposed to happen. She loved her husband, she really did but this wasn't supposed to happen and if she could take it back she would. She raised her hand to his face and gently traced the outline of his cheeks and jaw. She smiled slightly as she took in his peaceful face; he always was beautiful, so beautiful that she could stare at him forever.

After a few more moments of taking in her husband's good looks Peyton carefully removed his arm from around her torso and grabbed the closest article of clothing she could find. She pulled it over her head and quickly made her way into the kitchen. It was Luke's shirt. She momentarily thought about changing but then marvelled at the feeling of wearing his clothes again, of having his scent on her. It was like old times, like it used to be and the smile on her face soon turned into a frown as she realised how drastically things had changed for them.

She contemplated making some coffee but decided against it and made her way up the stairs into a room she hadn't set foot in for quite some time. It was supposed to be their son's room. It was painted a pale green since they were unsure of the gender at the time. She traced her fingers across the white crib before she settled onto the rocking chair. She closed her eyes and rocked back and forth a few times. She thought about him, about what she had lost, about how different things would have been if he had lived. She knew for a fact Lucas would have spoiled him. He always did want a son. A sad smile framed her face as she came out of her haunting thoughts.

She slowly made her way to the set of drawers, drawers that she never got to fill with her baby's belongings. Bending down Peyton opened the bottom drawer. She pulled out a white box and seated herself on the floor. Her hands trembled as they lingered over the lid. After a few moments she opened the box up and her eyes fixated on the contents inside.

A tear slipped down her face as she pulled out the ultrasound picture and stared at what was her growing son. She wondered what he would look like now, what his smile would look like, whether his blue eyes would be just like his fathers? It was killing her inside to think of these things. In the passing months she had remained strong, she had focused on Anna and her record label instead of grieving. Yes she had cried for him, but she knew she wasn't anywhere close to being over it. She always tried to block everything out; she hated thinking of the day she lost him. It was such a traumatic experience; the feeling of having her son, her flesh and blood ripped away from her still plagued her dreams at night. She couldn't forget no matter how much she wanted to. She was always wishing to turn back time, wishing she could have changed things somehow but she knew it wasn't possible.

Peyton was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't hear him enter the room and sit beside her. It wasn't until he rested his hand on her shoulder that she snapped out of her thoughts and met his eyes. He looked at the ultrasound photograph in her hands and gave her a sad smile.

"He would have been a few weeks old now…if he was born on time that is" he said softly and she nodded her head in response before looking back down.

He placed a kiss to the side of her face and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She pulled away quickly and stood up. He frowned at her sudden coldness.

"Peyton don't shut me out not now, not after…after everything" he said standing up to meet her eyes.

"Last night was"

He could sense what she was going to say so he interrupted her before she could continue "the best night of my life in a very long time and I know you felt the same way Peyton."

"It shouldn't have happened Lucas" she said objecting.

"Yes it should, you love me and I love you."

"You should go" she replied.

"God Peyton don't do this. I did everything you wanted, I'm me again and I love you and Anna with my whole heart."

"I just…I can't deal with this right now" she said rushing out of the room.

Lucas ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He didn't know what to do anymore. He was trying his hardest to deal with the loss of his son and to be the person Peyton and Anna needed but it just didn't seem enough.

She ran to her bedroom and pulled his shirt from her body. She hastily pulled some of her own clothes from her wardrobe and quickly got dressed. A few tears slipped from her eyes; going into what would have been their son's room this morning had been too much for her to handle – hence her emotional breakdown. She felt guilty for pulling away from Lucas, she knew he was really trying but for some reason she didn't feel like she was ready to take that step to let him back in. She couldn't deal with more pain right now and letting Lucas back in was a risk.

After an awkward goodbye with Lucas, Peyton called Haley asking when Anna would be back. However, Anna and Jamie were happy playing in the pool so she wouldn't be home for a while. Peyton was slightly disappointed by this because she had nothing to do for the day. She wasn't needed at work, the house was clean, there really wasn't anything for her to do and having nothing to do only caused her to think about Lucas and how she hadn't been very fair to him.

Not being able to deal with the empty and deadly silent house Peyton grabbed her car keys and headed to the one person she could always count on; Brooke Davis.

The curly blonde entered clothes over bros to find Brooke rearranging some of her clothes.

"Hey best friend" the brunette said gesturing her over to the comfy chairs.

They both sat down and a silence loomed over them. Peyton didn't know what to say, she was contemplating over whether telling Brooke what happened was wise or not.

"Peyton what's going on?" she asked gently placing her hand on the blonde's knee.

"Nothing" she replied a little too unconvincingly for the brunette to believe.

"Come on Peyton I can tell something is up now spill."

"Lucas and I slept together last night" she said quickly hoping Brooke wouldn't hear properly but she did and her eyes widened in shock.

"Why are you here, shouldn't you be with Lucas making up for lost time?" she asked with a smile. She was waiting for Lucas and Peyton to get their act together after the last few months they had been through.

"Its not that simple Brooke…it shouldn't have happened" she replied sadly.

"Yes it should Peyton and I know you know I'm right" she said with a smile.

Peyton sighed; she never could lie to Brooke. "I'm scared" she whispered, the vulnerability present in her voice.

Brooke smiled sympathetically and then took the blonde's trembling hands into her own. "He's Lucas and he loves you and Anna more than anything, there is nothing to be scared about."

"I just…I don't know if I can take anymore heartache right now."

"Peyton stop making up excuses" Brooke said firmly shocking Peyton slightly. "I'm sorry its just…Lucas loves you, he has done everything you wanted…he won't hurt you again you have to believe that and open your heart back up" she added in a softer tone. "Just follow your heart Peyton."

They shared a comforting embrace and Peyton thanked her for everything before leaving. She drove around for a while trying to clear her head. She knew Brooke was right, she knew she had to let Lucas back in before it was too late and there was nothing left.

After a while she ended up at his house, well his mother's house. She sat in her car for a few moments. Her hands were shaking from the nerves she was feeling. After taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself she made her way to the door and knocked lightly a few times.

While she waited for an answer the nerves seemed to get worse and all she wanted to do was run in the opposite direction. However, before she could turn to move the door opened and she was face to face with him.

He looked hurt and angry. She couldn't blame him; she had been pushing him away for a while. It was only natural that he would feel this way.

"Hey" she said timidly.

He didn't speak and the nerves she was trying to keep under control kept getting worse.

"Can we talk?" she asked after receiving no response.

Again he didn't speak but he did gesture her to 'come in' which made her feel a little better.

Silence loomed over them as Peyton tried to think over in her mind how best to say what she wanted to say.

"So you wanted to talk?" he asked after the silence became too much for him to bear.

"Yeah…Lucas I'm sorry about this morning I…" she trailed off unsure of what to say.

"You what?" he asked getting more frustrated by the minute.

"I didn't mean to push you away I'm just scared" she replied sadly.

His anger melted away at her confession. She sounded so vulnerable and all he wanted to do was be there for her.

"Why?" he asked feeling a little confused and nervous at what her response could be.

"I don't know…I just…I love you so much and I'm scared to let you back in because if I do I know I won't be able to cope without you again."

He nodded his head understanding but instead of speaking he walked closer to her and pulled her lips to his. He kissed her softly with nothing but love and her fears melted away. The kiss wasn't demanding, it was a simple touch of his lips to hers conveying everything that she meant to him.

"You won't have to cope without me. I want us to be the family we used to be. You and Anna are everything to me…there's just no life without you. You have nothing to be scared of Peyton."

She smiled at him. He was too good to her and she knew she had to stop letting her fears hold her back. She had to fight for them like he had. She had to take a step forward with him and get back to what they used to be.

"I love you so much" she said as tears spilled from her eyes. "Last night was amazing…I'm so sorry for everything" she added as more tears fell down her cheeks.

He affectionately wiped them away with the pad of his thumb and stared deep into her beautiful green eyes. They weren't so hollow anymore, the emotion was there and he smiled because he loved this woman with all his heart and he was happy she was letting him in again.

"I'm sorry too" he said with so much conviction that she couldn't stop herself from smiling.

She pulled his face to hers and kissed him with everything she had. She wanted him to know that she never stopped loving him, she never stopped wanting him and more importantly she never stopped needing him. When air became an issue their lips parted but their foreheads remained touching.

"I'm ready to fight for this family again" she whispered and he smiled in response. Things were definitely looking up for once.

AN: Hope you liked the update. As you can see LP are back together but they do still have things to work through and like I have previously stated something else is going to happen later in the story.

Thanks for reading, please review :)